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Sexual exploration is a lot of fun!
Today, it is also more available to more people than ever before.
Kink and BDSM have become a mainstay of American sexual culture.
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People are talking about it more, exploring the various components of it more, and trying new and fun things more often than in the past. (Elevath, 2014)
Visiting a dungeon or public play space can be part of the sexual exploration.
So as someone who’s a life-long submissive and has dabbled in the community, today I’m going to show you everything you need to know to get into (and enjoy!) your first experience in a BDSM dungeon or sex party.
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What Is A BDSM Dungeon?
Dungeons (sometimes referred to as play spaces) are places where consenting adults gather to enjoy kinky/fetish play.
Some are public, such as the Citadel in San Francisco and Voodoo Leatherworks in Colorado Springs.
Others are in private homes and clubs around the country.
These spaces contain equipment for BDSM play.
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They also contain space for socializing, eating, and often education or presentations.
They are commonly run by folks who are established members of the local kink/BDSM community.
Everything You Need To Know About Public Vs. Private Sex Parties & Dungeons…
Public play spaces are open to the public in general.
Often they require a membership fee, following a code of conduct, and may have “party fees” for participating in a given night or event.
Public dungeons maintain websites which list their location, dates and times of operation, requirements to enter, and codes of conduct.
1) If you are visiting a public dungeon for the first time, you should review their house rules and codes of conduct online before you go.
Because dungeons do not operate like fast food franchises, what you get when you visit and what is required to enter and play differs from location to location.
Private play spaces are dungeons maintained in homes or other locations where a private individual allows vetted members to come and participate in parties and events.
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Most of these spaces can be found through Fetlife.com.
These spaces generally have “Group” pages on Fetlife.
A Fetlife member can join the Group page for a local play space and find out about the membership qualifications, rules of participation and contact information for the person running the play space.
Depending on the person organizing the space it may be small, such as a dungeon set up in someone’s two-car garage in the suburbs or much more extensive such as a 5,000 square foot space in a local warehouse district.
Equipment can range from minimal to elaborate.
Because these spaces are private and not official businesses, people can limit participation and activities allowed to suit their own preferences.
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How To Contact A Dungeon Or Play Space…
Before you attend a party or event at a play space, you may want to contact the Dungeon Master or the owner.
In the case of a public dungeon, this generally isn’t necessary.
Private spaces often require more personal vetting.
It is common for the owner of a private dungeon to require new members be vetted.
This can be a formal meeting, such as talking to the owner at a munch (a coffee for kinky people) or providing references from other known folks in the kink community who will vouch for you or an online application.
2) If you are contacting a dungeon owner or manager, be respectful.
Treat your correspondence like a business email.
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Aim to be direct, courteous, and to the point. Use the appropriate titles and pronouns for the dungeon owner/operator (if listed).
Dungeon owners take on a lot of legal risk running these spaces.
In many areas they fall within a grey area of the law.
Some localities do allow public dungeons and have licensing and legal codes for operating this type of business.
Other localities allow these organizations to function as social clubs or educational organizations and will look the other way on things like allowing people to be flogged in public as long as no one complains.
Homeowners assume the legal risk someone may be hurt on their property and could be held legally responsible for things such as falls.
Meeting with you to make sure you will not endanger their space is a reasonable request.
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What To Wear & What To Bring…
What do you wear to a dungeon? It depends.
Many require you are in streetwear up until you enter the premises.
Depending on where they are located, some may be fine with you wearing in leather, latex or other fetish wear as long as it meets public standards of decency.
3) Once you enter the space, the rules can change. Check with the owner or the website for specifics.
Special nights:
Some play spaces will host theme nights or other special nights such as leather or pony play nights.
These nights may have specific clothing requirements.
Again, check with the owner or the website to see if there are special entrance requirements.
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4) You should bring the necessary tools for your scene if you are planning one.
For example, if you plan on a rope scene, you will need your own ropes, safety equipment, and any clothing you plan to wear.
If you plan on an impact scene you will need to bring your whips, paddles or other equipment.
Most people use overnight bags or small roller bags to carry their clothing and equipment.
You do not need any special bag or case to carry what you need to the dungeon.
Finally, all spaces will have access to water and some food.
5) However, if you know you will drink a lot of water or need a quick energy boost at the end of a scene, bringing something to eat or drink is appropriate.
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What To Do When You Arrive…
Depending on the protocol of the space, the first time you attend an event, you may be required to do an orientation.
This may be simple such as reading over the rules of the space and signing waivers.
Sometime spaces have formal orientation classes people are required to attend prior to engaging in play or events.
Whichever it is, make sure you do the necessary class or paperwork.
You may also be required to pay fees.
6) Bring cash!
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While more and more spaces are taking cards, most prefer cash payments.
Take some time to orient yourself to the space.
It is normal to have a play area with equipment, a socializing area (often with food and drinks), and a space for aftercare.
7) It is good to know where the changing rooms are, where the bathrooms are located, and how the space is divided up prior to engaging in play.
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A Note About Behavior…
A public dungeon or private play space is not an invitation for a free-for-all kinky orgy.
Many people patronize these spaces with a partner or two and no intention of playing with others.
Unlike swingers clubs and hotel orgy spaces, dungeons are not spaces where everyone in them is looking to hook up with people they did not come with.
(It’s important to look for signs that a woman may be receptive before you approach her. Click here to see 3 that most men miss.)
Kinky folks and those into power exchange often have protocols set up between the partners.
In a dungeon, folks who are submissive or bottoms have different expectations for behaviors than folks who are dominants or tops.
Many submissives may require you speak to their dominant/top prior to engaging in discussions with them.
8) If you approach a person you are trying to connect with and they ask you to speak to their Dom/Top/Master, you should follow their request.
Ignoring a request to approach a submissive through their d-type is a quick way to get you booted out of a dungeon.
Respect people’s scenes!
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If people are engaging in kinky play, whether it be a rope scene, an impact scene or other type of play, this is not your invitation to join in.
9) Do not touch other people without asking their permission.
Do not start engaging in someone’s scene without being invited to engage with them.
Do not touch other people’s equipment.
Do not ask questions during someone’s scene or talk loudly near where people are playing.
You are welcome to watch a scene, but you should refrain from discussion or questions until after the people have finished.
It is perfectly fine to watch a scene from a bit of a distance and admire someone’s work.
Watching is part of the fun of attending a dungeon.
However, if it is not a “tasting party” or an educational workshop, you should allow people their space to engage in their play without having to listen to your running commentary or questions.
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Do Drugs and Alcohol Play a Role At These Parties?
Most public and private play spaces limit or prohibit drug and alcohol use.
While some spaces do have bars or allow drinking, it is important to check with the dungeon master or owner prior to drinking in the location.
In California (and in few other states) we have legal recreational marijuana.
I have not found any public dungeons which allow consumption of marijuana on their site.
As for private dungeons, most restrict the use of marijuana.
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Because alcohol and marijuana can impair the ability to consent, the general rule is play sober.
10) Unless your space specifically mentions that marijuana or alcohol use is allowed on the premises, refrain from use.
Do not show up high or intoxicated.
Most, if not all space owners, will ask you to leave if you are inebriated.
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Can I Go if I am Single?
Yes! Definitely visit a dungeon on your own if you want to.
Many dungeons offer “tasting parties.”
These are events where various experts will set up and demo different kink techniques. They are designed for people to come and try new things. Single folks are encouraged to attend.
Many play spaces also encourage pick up play (the kinky version of a one-night stand).
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This is a great opportunity to meet and play with other folks.
11) Kink Academy offers online tutorials for pick up play.
I highly recommend watching their videos before going to a dungeon.
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How To Enjoy Play Time in A Dungeon…
The best description I ever head of a dungeon is, “It’s like a gym, but you want to use the equipment.”
Dungeon equipment is like gym equipment in that is used by a lot of people, body fluids get on it, and you should always wipe it down before and after a scene.
Dungeons will provide basic cleaning supplies (wipes, towels, etc.).
12) Before and after you use the equipment, it is a good idea to wipe it down as you would workout equipment at a gym.
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If you could introduce a lot of bodily fluids (e.g., ejaculate, sweat) or things like wax, it is a good idea to bring towels or a tarp to lay down to protect the equipment.
If you engage in play which introduces fire, wax, glitter, urine or blood, make sure you run it by the dungeon master/owner prior to starting play.
Sometimes venues will ban the above substances for health, safety, or cleaning reasons.
Sometimes the venue simply wants to make sure they have the appropriate safety equipment nearby.
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A Note About Taking Photos…
Do not take out your phone or take photos in a dungeon!
Folks who are at the location may not want their image captured and posted somewhere.
People are often naked, in various fetish wear or engaging in activities they do not want strangers recording.
Many dungeons ban phones and cameras.
Even if they do not require you to keep your phone out of site, it is a good idea to put it away for the evening.
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If you and your partner(s) are engaging in an activity and want to take a photo, ask the dungeon master first.
There are times it is appropriate to take pictures.
However, like everything in a dungeon, consent is the key. Ask before your shoot!
13) Make Sure You Can “Perform”…
Dungeons are a great way to expand your sexual horizons.
They are fun social spaces and present opportunities to connect with other kinky folks. Use consent and respect as your guides and you will have a great time!
With that said… it’s very common for a guy to show up to a dungeon or “play party” for the first time… and not be able to get as rock-hard as he’d like to in the moment.
This is TOTALLY normal… usually it happens because of first-time jitters and nerves… and while I will admit it is understandable…
… it’s also a pretty big turn-off.
After all, many women go to these parties to let loose… and feel immense amounts of pleasure, without feeling guilty… which is why experts in the field recommend doing THIS to be prepared when you go ←
A LOT of guys come into these dungeons and sex parties for the first time… thinking about all the “hot, horny girls” they’re gonna be with…
They don’t realize it’s a high-anxiety environment… and it can be EXTREMELY stressful to get hard in those kinds of scenarios…
And if a woman sees that you’re having trouble getting hard.. then guess what?
She’s not going to give you a second glance… you may end up the red-headed step-child of the sex party…
… and it could ruin your chances of getting some action… (or invited to future parties).
Meanwhile, the few guys who CAN get it up “on-command” will get their pick of the women there… and they also gain status within the community… and become known for their sexual prowess. 😉
So if you don’t want to leave anything to chance… then I’d do what the pros do… (and what’s caught on at a lot of these parties)… and try this all-natural technique.
It’s a combination of 5 kinda exotic foods, that some pornstars, including the World’s Oldest Pornstar, uses to:
- Get and stay hard as steel…
- Last for HOURS… (and go multiple rounds, with multiple women in the same night)…
- And have some of the most pleasurable orgasms he has ever experienced!
As a woman, I WISH more guys knew about the power of these 5 foods… (but right now, it’s kinda confined to porn actors and isolated pockets of “the community”)…
… because I’m telling you, when I have sex at these parties, I can REALLY notice the difference…
(Especially when the guy finishes… it’s like the difference between a puny squirt gun… and a freaking super-soaker!!)
So please, try these foods before your first “sex party,” and the women there will thank you… trust me:
Click here right now to see the 5 foods that can give you INSANE erections… and a massive edge at any s*x party you attend.
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