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3 Ways to Build True Confidence (Beat Imposter Syndrome)
Many a love guru, dating coach, or relationship expert tell you that to build true confidence you have to know you’re good enough by simply existing…
…but the truth is we live in a world that measures worth based on what can be observed of us.
And while it may seem simple to start loving yourself how God made you…
… in reality, most of us see our worth based on our reflection in the real world.
And that is why so many of you wrongly think the Ashleys and Ayshas only want the Chads and Tyrones.
There is a fine line between outer accomplishment and inner self-esteem.
The ways to build true confidence & beat imposter syndrome fall in the middle.
In this video we’ll look at:
- How failure is your friend
- A significant trait that leads to true confidence
- Three simple ways to build true confidence
Ways To Build True Confidence
I borrowed the inspiration for how to build true confidence from a newsletter by Chris Williamson, host of the Modern Wisdom podcast. (With permission.)
Whether you want a hookup, girlfriend, job promotion, financial prosperity, better body, or anything else outside yourself, you need to build true confidence within yourself.
Without inner confidence, you’ll end up settling for less in every area of your life, not just in romantic relationships.
Chris’ newsletter begins with a quote by Alex Hormuz…
“You don’t become confident by shouting affirmations in the mirror, but by having a stack of undeniable proof you are who you say you are. Outwork your self-doubt.”
In my experience, affirmations can help but only if they’re accompanied by passionate emotion…
…and that’s difficult to conjure when you don’t really believe what you’re telling yourself.
But outworking your self-doubt is something any of you can do to build true confidence.
Failure is Your Friend
To build true confidence you need to start by stepping outside your comfort zone to accomplish something.
Notice I didn’t say master something.
You don’t master something on the first try.
You usually fail many, many times before becoming even halfway proficient.
Key Point!
If you look at failure as a negative, you’ll eventually become disappointed, disheartened, and disinterested and your confidence will actually be diminished.
Instead, you need to view failing as a positive, as progress.
You do this by making the goal about the doing, not the succeeding.
Do, fail, learn, modify, do again.
Then take the next manageable step.
Repeat until successful.
I go through this in detail in my WakeUP2Luv program.
More Confident Than Competent — Fake It Til You Make It?
This is when you act more confidently than your skill warrants.
Example
Talking to women… or anything else you want to get good at!
If you’ve never had conversations with women, then when you see someone you’re attracted to, you’re not going to feel confident even if you’re trying to fake it.
Not only did you have little or no practice with any woman, but if you’re attracted to this one, you’ll feel extra nervous.
How To Improve
Chris says, “Complete more successful iterations of your pursuit.”
In simpler words, practice until you get better!
Do, fail, learn, modify, do again. Repeat until proficient.
Key Point!
Do reps aka practice where it’s easier to build a foundational conversation muscle.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, to get good at conversing with the hotties, you’ve gotta practice on the f’uglies.
It’s a win-win because f’uglies need attention and practice, too.
You’ll both build conversational neuropathways that help later when it counts.
Chris says to create a stack of undeniable proof you are who you say you are…
…because if you have little proof you can do a thing and you’re frustrated you don’t have self-belief then you’re not asking for confidence, you’re asking for a fantasy.
Confidence without competence is delusion. ~ Chris Williamson
He also notes it might take a few months or a few years to master a skill.
But let me remind you if you don’t start you won’t get any better, and in a few months or a few years, you’ll be right where you are today.
In Chris’ experience, it takes longer to get there than you think it should but is much more robust when you do get there.
Give yourself time and don’t give up!
You’ll frustrate yourself if you try to rush the process.
AJ Examples
It took over 3 years and 300 videos before I started making any money, never mind a living, on YouTube.
If I gave up after a hundred or two hundred videos, which I did think about, I wouldn’t be here sharing this with you today.
When I was 20yrs old and started in real estate sales, I worked 80+ hours a week and called a hundred people a day or until I got an appointment.
Many days I received 100 “no’s.”
One of my very first “no’s” was nasty.
I got called every profane name in the book.
I cried.
And I wanted to quit.
But I pulled myself together and kept going.
I did exactly what I’m telling you to do. Try, fail, modify, try again.
I made a game of it and eventually became successful. MEMOIR.
More Competent Than Confident
This is commonly known as Imposter Syndrome.
Imposter Syndrome or Imposter Adaptation, as Chris calls it, is when you’re more skilled than you give yourself credit for.
Chris says, “This is the tendency for a lack of self-belief to persist even as you continue to disprove it with success in the real world…
…your confidence is yet to catch up to your competence.”
The Harsh Truth
Chris says, “There are only so many times you can disprove your own imposter syndrome in the real world … before you admit it’s got nothing to do with your capabilities and everything to do with an addiction to feeling you’re not enough.”
Put simply, you are competent but because you don’t think you’re worthy you refuse to believe it.
You still feel like a loser.
This isn’t about competence, it’s about self-image.
3 Ways to Build True Confidence & Beat Imposter Syndrome
Chris offers three ways to overcome low self-image that align with my WakeUp2Luv program.
1. Reflect on your successes!
We all tend to focus on our failures and disregard our successes.
And while it’s good to learn from our mishaps…
…when you accomplish something worthwhile, even if it’s small—like finally getting your butt to the gym—you need to give yourself a pat on the back, stat.
2. Organize celebrations for things you do well in!
Losing the 10 pounds you know you needed to, not eating crap food for a month, paying off a debt.
Notice there’s nothing here about charming a girl into giving you her number.
That can happen down the road, but if you’re here then it might not be something you are already good at.
If you are, high-five!
3. Find appropriate mentors!
Chris suggests you, “Find a community of like-minded, supportive, positive people within whatever domain you’re trying to become confident in and speak to them regularly to get external validation, feedback, and reassurance.”
If you don’t have a real-world community, I suggest:
- Watching relevant videos.
- Asking questions or for feedback in the comments.
- Engaging with each other.
- Supporting, encouraging, and helping each other.
Side rant and then the most important point!
I answer as many questions as I can in the comments over on YouTube and there are a lot of positive wise men in the Wingmam Fam who’ve learned from their own experiences and watching videos.
They’re happy to provide advice, feedback, and support. Supporting each other is not simping!
Ignore negative, insulting comments, those comments are not really about you.
Share your stories, struggles, and successes with each other in the comments on YouTube.
Or, as Chris suggests and I’ve suggested in other videos, join a men’s group, preferably one that fosters positive self-development and, if you want a girlfriend, isn’t negative toward all women.
I’d like also to suggest it’s one that meets in the real world, not just online.
Most Importantly
Chris’ parting words…
“Proof eats belief for breakfast. You don’t need faith in your abilities, [when] you have evidence.
Outwork your self-doubt.”
Remember, failure is your friend. Start with small steps, but do start.
If you want step-by-step guidance to build true confidence through developing competence in specifically targeted areas of your life, get my WakeUP2Luv program.
You can find Modern Wisdom on YouTube and where podcasts are available.
Thanks for being here and thanks again, Mr. Williamson! God bless!
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