9 Confusing Things Men Say (DECODED)

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Matthew:

Welcome to another one of my videos. Today we are going to be talking about the confusing things that men say, but men, before in the comments you say that women are confusing too. Maybe we’ll do a future episode on the confusing things that women say, but we did put out the word on my Instagram @thematthewhussey, for those of you who aren’t following me yet. We put out the word and said, what’s something confusing a man has said to you? So we’re going to read you some of these things today. In fact, the wonderful Audrey is going to read us some of these things and I am going to be attempting to dissect them, which Lord knows isn’t easy. All right, let’s go. What’s the first one?

Audrey:

“You’re the kind of girl you marry, not the kind of girl you date.”

Matthew:

Well, it’s flattering you, isn’t it? Firstly, it’s saying there are qualities about you that one would look for in a long-term partner, but it’s also kind of… I don’t know. I don’t know what he said after that, but I feel like I’m not the only one in the room who thinks that that came with some kind of excuse about him not being ready. When you say, “No, you’re the kind of person you marry, not the kind of person you date,” that to me is a way of saying, “And I’m the kind of person who’s only willing to date right now, and therefore I can’t proceed with you.” It might also, if I’m being really honest, be a kind of cue that this person isn’t sexually attracted. “You have wonderful qualities, but I don’t feel that chemistry with you. Otherwise, I’d be trying to jump you right now.”

Audrey:

Number two, we have, “I like you too much to be with you.”

Matthew:

I like you too much to be with you. So I like you too much to be with you. That says to me, “I am absolutely 100% going to hurt you.” I like you too much to be with you is a way of saying, “I’m not really looking for anything serious, so I’m not going to invest in you in any real way, but I do like you. I like you enough that we should probably keep having sex, but I don’t want to go any further than that with you.” But it’s also, again, notice the pattern here, the flattery. “I like you too much to be with you.” Notice it’s flattery, but it’s confusing flattery. If you think about it, it’s quite clever because it says, I’m flattering you. I’m dazzling you with a compliment at the same time as telling you that I can’t give you any more than I’m giving you right now. So I’m simultaneously piquing your interest and giving you a reason to keep trying with me while excusing myself from trying it all with you.

Audrey:

Number three, we have, “‘I haven’t loved you these past two years. I was lying to both of us.’ They then ended things and two weeks later he came back and said, ‘I need you in my life. I love you. Let’s try again.””

Matthew:

Okay, well, that to me is, I used the analogy recently of he jumped ship. He decided that this ship wasn’t one that he wanted to be on anymore. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to be on it for a long time, but he finally got up the courage to leave. Maybe he never felt the way he really wanted to feel deep down, or maybe he’s confused about what love actually is, and there’s this grass is greener scenario where he thinks that there’s some elusive feeling out there that he doesn’t feel in here and so he jumped ship and then he realized he couldn’t swim.

Now, it might be that he thought that another boat was going to come by and it was going to be a better boat, and there were a bunch of boats that came by, but none of them felt better. None of them felt like the thing he was looking for. There was some rusty tugboat that came along and he thought, “I don’t want to get on that.” There’s a boat full of pirates. Or maybe it was just open water and he just found himself treading water. But he realized, “I’m not a strong enough swimmer to do this.” Because of course when we leave a relationship, we have to learn how to… Other than just jumping on another boat, which usually isn’t a good idea, we have to learn how to swim, how to be okay on our own. And I think he realized… He panicked. I think he got in the water, it was a bit cold, and I think his legs got a bit tired and he thought, “Oh no, I can’t do this.” And I don’t think he went back out of love. I think he went back out of fear and told you it was love.

The problem with what he said is he said, “For two years I’ve been lying to you and myself.” So now you’ve got in your head that for two years you’ve not been living the same reality as me. How do you recover from that in two weeks? Has he done all the healing necessary in the space of two weeks? I don’t think so. I think he panicked. I think nothing has changed on his side and someone like that, if they are let back in, should be let back in incredibly slowly.

Audrey:

Number four, “Let’s just take it day by day.”

Matthew:

Let’s just take it day by day. Well, look, firstly, that’s the sort of thing that sounds completely rational. It sounds like the voice of reason at the very beginning of dating. If someone at the end of a date two said, “So what are we?” You might be justified in saying, “Let’s just take it day by day for now and see where we are in a few dates. We’ve only been on two dates.” That would be a reasonable thing to say. But if at the point where you are starting to, or there’s this sort of expectation that you behave like a girlfriend, and that means seeing them regularly, it means comforting them on bad days, it means coming over on a sick day and bringing this person soup, it means meeting each other’s friends or family, it means being involved on a consistent basis in each other’s lives. And when you try to ask where this is going, that person says, “Let’s just take it day by day,” that is someone who wants you very much to live in the present because the present is all they can offer you. They are not looking for a relationship. They are looking for an experience.

Audrey:

Number five, “We aren’t really dating, dating.”

Matthew:

We’re not really dating, dating. We’re not? I thought we were dating, dating, dating. We’re not really dating, dating. I mean, that means what you and I are doing is we are exchanging messages with the goal of being in the same room at the same time where we can take our clothes off. Dating, dating means it’s progressing. Dating, dating means that there’s some intention behind this. There’s no intention…. Oh god, no. There’s no intention behind this. This is just you and me getting to a place, getting to a room where it’s appropriate for us to take our clothes off.

Audrey:

Number six, “You’re too independent.”

Matthew:

You’re too independent. That says to me, “I am used to feeling important by being with someone who is in need, whether it’s financially, whether it’s psychologically, they’ve got some kind of issue or challenge in their life, and I have some kind of power by what I can give, and that’s what makes me feel important. That’s what feeds my ego. That’s what makes me feel safe and indispensable. And the fact that you have your shit together, the fact that you don’t seem to need me, the fact that you have things going on in your life means that I don’t have my ego fed in that way and I don’t know how to get my significance from a more nutritional internal source, and therefore I’m worried that because I have no power over you in the way that I’m used to, I don’t have leverage over you in the way that I’m used to, that I am leavable, that I am dispensable and that makes me feel unsafe and therefore the stakes feel too high in this situation. I need to go to a place where I can feel important and powerful again.”

Audrey:

Number seven, “I can’t get away with bullshit with you. You’re too smart.”

Matthew:

Firstly, I think it’s hilarious that this person has admitted in this sentence that they’re a bullshitter in the first place. How low does he think or assume her standards are, that she’s going to be interested by the end of this sentence, having just expressed that his normal M.O. is to bullshit people? And it’s also a great kind of way of saying you’re in control when she’s not really in control. It’s a way of pandering. “Look how smart you are. I can’t even get away with my bullshit with you.” But it’s a way of making her feel like he’s naked in front of her when in fact, of course, there will be so much more bullshit she doesn’t know about, but it’s a way of saying, “Look at you. You’ve got me all figured out,” while over here I continue to bullshit you.

Number eight.

Audrey:

“I can’t give you a title, but I act like your boyfriend. Aren’t actions enough for you?”

Matthew:

We used to say all the time, and I still believe this, watch someone’s actions, not their words. If someone treats you really badly all the time but says, “I love you,” their actions are what matter. You say you love me, but you treat me horribly. That’s what matters. But there is an addendum to that. When someone is giving you the treatment you think you want, but their words say something undesirable, especially if that undesirable thing they’re saying should hurt their chances of getting a good result with you, you should believe that thing. And what he said falls into that latter category. He said, “I can’t give you a title, but I act like your boyfriend. Aren’t actions enough for you?” This is him playing on the logic that actions mean more than words, but in this case, his words mean everything because his words give away his true intentions.

If someone says to you, “I don’t want to give us a title,” well, that might upset you. That might even drive you away. And if I say something that could upset you or drive you away, but I’ve said it anyway, then that thing is much more likely to be true. That thing is much more likely to be trustworthy because what motive could I have for saying it? Other than that, I feel like I need to. When this person says, “I don’t want to give us a title,” what they’re saying is, “I want to experience being in a relationship, but I don’t want any of the commitment of being in one, and I want to make sure that I can leave this easily at any time because I don’t actually want anything with you in the future.” At worst, “I want to be able to sleep with other people. And I think by not giving us a title, I can still do that.” At best, “I’m being monogamous with you, but I have a deep-seated aversion to any real commitment or any real idea of building something. So I am liable to hurt you down the line when I realize that this is all too much.”

So this is one of those rare instances where you have to pay attention to exactly what they’re saying because what they’re saying is inconvenient for them to say. It doesn’t help their chances of winning you over. It doesn’t make them more likable. It doesn’t increase the odds of them having sex with you tonight or you still being around a month from now. It could actually push you away. And if someone is saying something that is to their own detriment and inconvenience, that thing is actually much more likely to be true.

Audrey:

And last but not least, we have the old faithful, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Matthew:

It’s not you, it’s me. A lot of the things we’ve heard today are kind of in that vein. “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m complicated. There’s something going on with me.” When you create that impression, the person goes, “Well, if there’s nothing wrong with me, then you must like me. And if you like me, then there’s hope. And if there’s something going on with you, then we can fix that.” Then it’s not you, it’s me logic can actually get us trapped in a cycle of trying with someone we shouldn’t be trying with.

Any time someone acts really complicated, for good or bad reason, remember that for the worst kinds of people, or even just for the kind of lightly manipulative people, or the people that are just kind of selfish, being complicated actually works because if I think you’re amazing. You’re just so great. I just can’t. You’re perfect. You’re marriage material, you’re incredible. I like you so much. I just can’t because of blah, blah, blah. Complication, complication, complication. Remember that people who give you complications, people who confuse you, they are achieving something very often with that confusion. It’s a bit like if I give you a riddle, you’re so distracted by the riddle and how to figure that out, how to get past this confusion that I’m feeling, or this hurt that I’ve been through in my life, or these complications in my feelings. If you’re busy with that, then you’re not paying attention to how little I’m actually giving you. And for a lot of people, that’s exactly what they’re trying to achieve. Let me distract you from how little I’m giving you by giving you this complicated scenario that your mind is now going to go to work on.

We have to always remember this, and I’ve said it many times. Someone will give you their reasons. You need to stick to your reality. And if your reality is that this person isn’t committing, they’re not giving you very much, they’re not showing up for you, they’re confusing you constantly, that’s your reality. Regardless of whether their reasons for being confusing and complicated are malicious or sympathetic, it doesn’t change your reality.

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