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If this was a blog for men, I would spend a whole lot more time talking about how men need to change. But since this is a blog for women, usually my focus is on women’s blind spots, what they can learn, how they can understand men and take responsibility for their piece of all relationships.
Today, we’re going to turn the tables and talk about one thing men really suck at:
De-escalating conflict.
Now, to be clear, there is a lot of complaining/nagging/attacking on the part of the fairer sex – a behavior that Dr. Jamie Turndorf ably outlined in her seminal book, “Kiss Your Fights Goodbye.” In short, if you attack your male partner, it’s either fight or flight. He’s either going to push back or pull away from the conflict.
Today’s post is courtesy of Dr. John Gottman, the Godfather of Couples Counseling.
If you attack your male partner, it’s either fight or flight. He’s either going to push back or pull away from the conflict.
In it, he talks about how insensitive men trigger their wives by INCREASING the negativity in a conflict instead of attempting to listen, validate and calm things down.
It’s not terribly surprising, but, for many couples, failure to de-escalate is like throwing a match onto a pile of kindling. Things blow up fast and get out of control.
The typical male response to female input: “You are not the boss of me!” is not the way women operate. Women actually take others opinions into account. The irony is that couples would be happier if men allowed their wives’ opinions to matter more.
The problem is that only 35% of men are emotionally intelligent.
You ever wonder why I tell women to be the CEO and treat men like interns? That’s why. 65% of guys are incapable of being good partners.
“The husband who lacks emotional intelligence rejects his wife’s influence because he fears a loss of power. And because he is unwilling to accept influence, he will not be influential.
The emotionally intelligent husband is interested in his wife’s emotions because he honors and respects her. While this man may not express his emotions in the same way his wife does, he will learn how to better connect with her.
65% of guys are incapable of being good partners!
When she needs to talk, he’ll turn off the football game and listen. He will pick “we” over “me.” He will understand his wife’s inner world, continue to admire her, and communicate this respect by turning towards her. His relationship, sex life, and overall joy will be far greater than the man who lacks emotional intelligence.”
We can go on and on about how women need to be more patient, sensitive, understanding, easygoing, and supportive of their partners. It’s true.
But if anybody needs to take this advice to heart TWICE as much, it’s men.
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
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