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I’m really struggling in my relationship. We have been together for 3.5 years and I just feel like something is missing. This is the only relationship I have ever been in and he’s the only man I’ve ever been with. First off, we have fought on every single milestone we’ve had together. Every anniversary, every birthday, holidays, etc. It’s always something. One thing I’m really struggling with is our lack of sex. I’m 27 and he’s 28, we only have sex maybe once a month and sometimes that’s pushing it. He says it’s because we fight so much and he isn’t attracted and doesn’t want to have sex with me when we fight. It’s really affecting me. Anytime I try to talk to him about it he just brushes it off or ignores it.
We also live with his parents. I keep asking when are we going to move out but he just doesn’t know. He hates his job and complains about it every day but does nothing to change it. He doesn’t try to look for another job or try to move up within his company. The other day I asked him what his goals are and he said he has none.
I think I started noticing these things when I met someone new at work. There was an instant attraction there. He is a hard worker, driven, motivated, and attractive. I instantly developed a crush on him. He even told a friend of mine that he likes me and that he would wait for me.
I just don’t know what to do? I have all these conflicting emotions. I love my boyfriend and his family is amazing and has done so much for me but my needs aren’t being met and I just want more. Is this normal to feel this way? I just don’t want to ruin what could be a good thing in hopes for something better.
Ren
Dear Ren,
This isn’t a good thing. There’s something better. Now go out and find it.
Since that’s all I have to say on that topic – seriously, that’s all I have to say – I want to extend this post to address my readers who are struggling with difficult relationships.
Right now, in front of me, I have reader questions from women dating these men:
Bachelor #1 “lost his job several weeks ago and since then he’s been distant ‘wants space/free time’. He’s said he’s not sure about marriage, and while we used to get together 2-3 times a week, now we see each other once a week.”
Bachelor #2 is “sometimes shy, spacey, hot and cold. He will read my messages and take hours to respond, or be online instead of replying to me. He is not direct…not particularly affectionate. Said to me that he doesn’t feel romantic with me but still visits me 1-2x a month. Part of me feels like he’s dragging me along until someone of his type comes in his life.”
Bachelor #3 “has not introduced his children one year into the relationship, and it feels like he’s stalling for some reason. Should I be worried about this? He’s already told me that he has no plans to remarry.”
Bachelor #4 “cheated on me, lied to me, and didn’t even tell me he cheated until 6 months after us being broken up. Now, we’re dating again and I he’s been lying to me about hooking up with his best girlfriend in the past.”
Bachelor #5 “just stopped trying and caring about sex. He was barely paying attention to me while we were having sex. I just wish he could satisfy me in every way, mind, body and soul. Which sometimes I feel like he’s not intellectually smart enough to understand. Not sure if I should just call it quits or keep fighting for what we have left.”
I don’t publish these letters because, honestly, what is there to say?
Every woman makes a point to say that he’s a good guy, he’s her best friend, they’re deeply in love, they’re trying to make things work, and they don’t want to give up.
And what do they get in return?
Relationships with selfish, emotionally unavailable, unethical, clueless, commitmentphobic men that continue to make them unhappy.
Well, I’m fucking sick of it.
If you feel the need to write me a letter asking for advice about what to do with your unique guy in your uniquely complicated situation, spare yourself the trouble.
I just posted five excerpts from five different women who – despite pretty obvious evidence – are in agreement that THIS is not the life they want to live.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, don’t write to me.
Change your situation.
There’s nothing stopping you.
Not your deep love with him. Not your long history with him. Not even your kids with him.
If you don’t trust your boyfriend…
If you don’t believe in your boyfriend…
If you don’t have sex with your boyfriend…
If you don’t share the same vision of marriage and kids with your boyfriend…
If you are not happy in your relationship with your boyfriend…
No matter how much you love each other and how much time you’ve spent “working” on things…
DUMP HIM.
Face it: if you had a car that only started half the time, you’d buy yourself a new car.
Your problems with him will INSTANTLY go away.
Sure, you’ll be scared. Sure, you’ll be lonely. But you will have rid yourself of the biggest problem that is currently plaguing you: your disappointing boyfriend.
Now that you’ve gotten rid of this drain on your energy, hope and spirit, you are free to reinvent your life with a better man in a better relationship.
One that is nurturing, supportive, and fun.
One that doesn’t require Googling answers and writing emails to a dating coach.
One that is simply EASY.
The fact is: good relationships don’t take work.
They take effort, like watering a garden, but they don’t take “work” like laboring in a coal mine or living through war or solitary confinement.
Almost all of the letters I receive are from women in relationships that should put out of their misery. These women don’t need couples counseling. They need new partners.
Yet these women are deathly afraid of change – the fear that they will be alone, the fear of dating, the fear that this is the best it gets.
It’s not. If it were, you’d be happier and you wouldn’t be writing to me.
Face it: if you had a car that only started half the time, you’d buy yourself a new car.
But when you have a relationship that makes you happy only half the time, you say, “Well, relationships take work.”
Sorry, but that’s a cop-out as well as the perfect excuse to stay unhappy.
You can always rationalize your way into staying.
“I don’t want to hurt him.”
“He’s really trying to regain my trust.”
“We have so much history together.”
“What about the money? What about the kids?”
“I’m not perfect either!”
“He says he wants to change.”
Believe me – and other couples who have seen the light – good relationships are easy.
If your relationship is not easy, it’s not that good.
Time to find a better one.
Click here if you’d like to learn more about how to do that.
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