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I’ve been reading your blog for a couple years now and it’s become my first stop when I have any kind of dating/male question. Your advice is always blunt (which I prefer) and you don’t subscribe to the silly “rules” of the games people play. I’ve applied your suggestions and am MUCH happier in my dating life. That’s why I’m writing you today! I’ve been seeing a man who doesn’t play any games and was quick to tell me he’s not seeing anyone else. We’ve seen each other frequently, about 2-3 times a week, and he’s making the majority of the plans. He’s a breath of fresh air because there are NO games with him. He never flakes on me and often brings up activities we should do together, often a few months out.
I’ve had a planned trip to San Diego for a friend’s wedding for a while. He’s known about it as I’ve had lots of wedding activities this month. Every time I talked about it, he seemed to perk up a bit, like he’s wanting an invite. But I’ve been reluctant because I like to let the man suggest those “big steps”. Well, as the trip approaches I just know much fun it would be with him, and while he was in Europe he even invited me to meet him in Scotland for a concert for a band we both like, although his work prevented him from making it there, it was on the table. He even offered to pay for my ticket when I said that was a little out of my budget. So, with that background I decided to invite him. I text him one night and asked if he would like to be my date. About an hour later I get a response, “OK, I’m in!” Of course I was ecstatic thinking about how much fun we would have exploring the city and just being silly (which we do quite often). It was sort of late at night when he responded so when I texted him the exact date so I wasn’t surprised or concerned when I didn’t get a response back night. He has to get up early for work and often passes out early. The next morning I jokingly texted to please confirm that he was somewhat conscious when he said he was “in”. His response was, “Haha, upon further review it looks like I won’t be able to make it, I have plans with Ben that weekend”. I wasn’t sure if he was kidding so I asked if he was being sarcastic. He said, “No, I’m sorry! Last night I thought it was the following weekend.” I just said it was OK and let it go.
My question is does his choice to place his plans with his buddy over a trip with the woman he’s dating mean that he’s placing me low on his list of priorities? To me, it sends a strong signal that he’s not interested in a serious relationship, as I would think a man wanting a serious relationship wouldn’t want his potential girlfriend to go stag to a wedding! In every other way he seems very into me, he’s not shy about wanting to spend more time with me and even asked if I would be interested in a concert here in town about a month from now. Is he trying to back things off with me or is he just oblivious at how hurtful it is to opt for plans with his buddy that he sees all the time instead of a relatively rare opportunity to take short fun trip with me? He has the most potential of any man I’ve dated in YEARS, he’s very sweet and consistent, but a tad oblivious at times. Either way I’m going to continue to play it cool and not be dramatic about his choice. Thanks for all you do!
Jaimy
I sure hope you’re still with your boyfriend, Jaimy. Because there’s absolutely, positively nothing wrong here, apart from all the meaning you created surrounding your friend’s wedding.
This is a useful lesson for any woman who is prone to overthinking, so gather round the campfire and, please listen to what I have to share today.
We are all prone to take things personally that aren’t personal.
We all have a set of beliefs that we take as “true” or “factual,” but they’re really just beliefs.
We all have a set of beliefs that we take as “true” or “factual,” but they’re really just beliefs.
Here’s one of your beliefs that’s not true.
“I’ve been reluctant (to invite him to the wedding) because I like to let the man suggest those big steps.”
When I talk about guys taking the lead and women mirroring, that’s at the beginning of the relationship so you can gauge his sincere interest in you. If he doesn’t call you, doesn’t make plans, and doesn’t commit, he’s just not that into you. After that, you’re in the clear.
This guy is your BOYFRIEND, Jaimy, and you were hesitant to invite him to a wedding because of your (false) belief that men SHOULD suggest those big steps. Besides, inviting your boyfriend to a wedding isn’t a big step. It’s merely a logical one. Who else would you take? Your sister?
7 years ago, I was just starting to see someone when I was invited to a close friend’s wedding in New York. I immediately RSVP’d by myself and booked a flight. Three months later, my relationship had become exclusive, but I didn’t think it was a big deal for me to go solo to this wedding.
Sure enough, my girlfriend was silently upset, especially when she heard that a mutual friend ALSO had a new girlfriend and he lobbied the bride to allow him to bring a plus-one. Way to make everyone else look bad, bro.
There’s absolutely, positively nothing wrong here, apart from all the meaning you created surrounding your friend’s wedding.
“Why didn’t I lobby for her?”, she wondered to herself. Well, my flight was already booked and I’d return home to her in three days. Just didn’t seem like a big deal to me. If I were invited THEN, I would have included my girlfriend, but I was invited three months ago before we were a couple and set my plans in advance.
As it turns out, I texted my girlfriend from the wedding, told her I missed her and wished she was there, and didn’t learn until AFTERWARDS that she was upset with me. I married that cool, drama-free girl because she listened to my explanation and forgave me for what you would term my “obliviousness.”
That’s how it’s done, Jaimy.
So you can believe that “a man wanting a serious relationship wouldn’t want his potential girlfriend to go stag to a wedding!”
You can believe that he’s “hurtful to opt for plans with his buddy that he sees all the time instead of a relatively rare opportunity to take short fun trip”.
But neither is necessarily true. That’s just what you believe.
I believe that the 99% of things he’s doing right are a better indication of how he feels, so if you need to talk about it, do so exactly as my girlfriend did: let him know how you felt without making him WRONG (because it makes perfect sense to him). He had plans with his friend first. You don’t break plans with someone to go out with someone else. That’s his (very reasonable) defense and it’s equally valid to your feelings about what a good boyfriend is SUPPOSED to do.
He will really appreciate you being diplomatic about this and I predict that, based on your behavior, he’ll be far more likely to make a different decision if the same circumstances should arise.
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