Am I Too Old To Have My First Relationship?

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

Hello Doc,

Long time reader. I just turned 33 this past Friday and there’s one thing that’s been bothering me since last year. For some reason whenever people (especially older people) ask me if I have any kids or a wife and I say no they act shocked. Last year, my mom’s boyfriend even told me “you’re young, but you’re not THAT young.”

I don’t feel old. I feel fine, but sometimes people say these things that make me feel like I already got one foot in the grave. Like I already missed my shot at living my life to the fullest.

I came from a poor family. I graduated college at 2014 at 24 with a useless theater degree. Then my dad kicked me and my sister and my niece out of the house. I shared an apartment with my sister and immediately entered the workforce to help take care of my niece until they moved out and now I share an apartment with my brother.

I never really dated and I’m a virgin. It never really bothered me until recently. It doesn’t help that I’ve always been poor and I don’t have rich parents to lend me money like everyone else. My dad basically destroyed my credit before I even graduated, so I’m still pulling myself out of that hole.

I was just so focused on trying to break into a career that’s difficult to break into with no money. Did I screw up? Is my life over? Did I miss my chance to date and have fun and fool around? Should I resign to my low paying job with my idiot coworkers?

~Not THAT Young

Here’s my question, NTY: are you dead? No? Because unless you’ve shuffled off this mortal coil, there’s always the opportunity for change, growth and improvement. 

But in order to do any of that? You have to stop holding onto the idea that there’s some sort of time limit to life. This ain’t Logan’s Run, where your life gem starts flashing at 30 and you’re taken off to be recycled and no matter how much the teens on TikTok act like 25 is The End of All Things, nobody is expecting you – or anyone – to accomplish everything in life by your mid 20s or its all over. 

Now in fairness, I just crested over the hill of 46 so obviously I’m going to be a bit biased to the “life doesn’t end at 30” side of things. But one of the things that kind of annoys me about the over-celebration of youth as The Ideal is that it gives some people the idea that there’s a ticking clock and a rapidly closing window; if someone hasn’t hit their ideal career/ gotten married/ hit some other arbitrary milestone before you’re… dunno, let’s say 28, just to engage in proctonumerology, that they’re just fucked. 

There’re a lot of reasons why this isn’t true. A lot of folks in their 20s may be starting out in a career, but that may not be the career for them; in fact, the average age people change careers is 39. We live longer on average than previous generations, employment has become much more precarious and job security as our parents generation doesn’t exist and retirement has become less of an inevitability and more of a pipe-dream for many. These have all been seismic shifts to the “traditional” life path – and let’s be real here, that “tradition” mostly applied to middle and upper-middle class white men, not everyone. 

There’s also the fact that – as you well know – life doesn’t always flow perfectly smoothly. You came from economic hardship and you’ve had to prioritize things like “taking care of your family” and “not being homeless because your dad screwed your credit and kicked you out of the house”.  It’s a lot harder to try to get on a career path, especially in careers that expect you to devote your entire life to work, when you’re more focused on basic survival and helping your sister raise your niece. 

Now, being in your 30s will cut you off from certain careers. You’re not likely to make it as a professional athlete, for example. But if you’re not looking to start being a pro boxer or join the AWE, it’s not likely to be as much of an issue as you’d think. 

The same goes for losing your virginity, getting married, having kids and so on. You’re at the far end of the bell curve, yes, but that doesn’t mean you’re doomed unless you decide you’re doomed. People can and do build or rebuild social lives from scratch on the regular – people move to new cities for work or new opportunities, their old social circles break up and scatter to the winds or they focused primarily on their education and financial stability rather than sex, love and dating.

You know… like you did. The fact that you’re 33 and have never been married just means that you’re 33 and you haven’t been married yet. That’s it. There’s no magical benefit to getting married or even in a long-term relationship in you 20s (outside of the value of the relationship with that particular person or people), and in fact, marrying young tends to be a recipe for divorcing young too. Waiting until you’re more established in life is hardly a bad thing, especially when – as I said before – you had to prioritize keeping your head above water for years instead.

Not to mention the number of people who’re getting married for the first time in their 40s and 50s is on the rise. So you’re hardly alone or unusual in that. And I might point out you’re also hardly the only person worried that you’re “too old” to date.

But might I point something out, here? I don’t think you have an age problem, I think you have an Other People problem. That is, your problem isn’t you, it’s other people who’re sticking their nose into your business and making you upset with ignorant or unhelpful comments. 

I mean, you say it yourself: you weren’t bothered by this until people started making a big deal out of it. That’s the part that I think you should be paying attention to. If you were cool with everything when people weren’t making cracks about it… well what’s changed? If the only thing that’s changed is that other people feel weird about your life, especially people who don’t understand your life or your circumstances… well as I’m often saying, that’s a them problem, not a you problem. Other people are welcome to think that the way you live your life is unusual or weird nor not the path that they would’ve chosen and you’re welcome to tell them to keep their opinions to themselves. In fact I’d suggest that you might want to practice some polite phrases to shut those conversations down. If someone is surprised that you’re not married or have no kids – either yet or ever – then you can just say “It’s not/ hasn’t been a priority for me right now. I’ll meet someone and settle down when the time’s right. Until then I’m doing just fine, thanks.” Anything after that, you can respond with “I said I’m fine, thanks.”

If they persist, you can say “I told you twice now that I’m fine with how things are. That’s the end of the discussion.” 

You don’t owe an explanation or rationale for why you’re still single, why you’re not at X point in your career or whatever. If you’re not bothered by it, then that’s ultimately what matters. 

But what about that nagging sense that you’re out of time. Well… what about it? No, seriously: what about it? What, precisely, says that you’re fucked, that your window has closed or that you’re out of time? If there hasn’t been actual, concrete evidence of a problem – which is to say, not just other people’s opinions, especially those of strangers in person or on the Internet – then it’s really just vibes, man. That’s all. It’s other people’s baggage and they’re trying to make it yours, without understanding you or your life. 

Of course, understanding that doesn’t mean that the anxieties just go away by magic; sadly, brain weasels aren’t satiated that easily. If they were, half my career would evaporate overnight.

However, if this is actually bothering you, then my next question would be: ok, what are you doing about it? Because right now, going by your letter, it sounds like you’ve decided that it’s hopeless before you’ve even made the attempt. That’s a great way to ensure that yes, you are screwed… because nothing can happen for you until you make it happen. If you’re feeling anxious about any of this, then my suggestion is to prioritize taking action.

Do you want to date and fool around – for whatever that means to you? Ok so… start dating. Start by building up your social circle, make more connections and put yourself in positions to meet folks you like. Make it clear that you’re looking to date and have a good time and if anything serious comes out of it, then hey, bonus! But getting started at dating means taking active steps towards your goal, including letting your friends know that this is something you’re looking for. Putting yourself out there means you can’t just nod your head and waggle your eyebrows and this will send out the message to the universe; you have to be proactive about it. Don’t worry if you’re not sure where to begin. I’ve written multiple books that can help you get started and there’s literally years of material in my archives to guide you.

And incidentally, if you find that you’re meeting folks who want to settle down, rather than date casually, then good news! You don’t have to date them! You can make it clear that you’re not looking for anything serious or committed, and the people who aren’t on the same page will self-select out of your dating pool.

That same mindset applies with work as well. You’ve got a low-paying job for now. Ok… well, what steps are you taking to change that? Are you putting yourself out there, applying for positions or making it known that you’re trying to change careers? You don’t say what field you’re trying to break into, just that it’s difficult to do without having money already. Ok… but are you networking within those fields? Are you connecting and building relationships with people who work in that industry? You don’t necessarily even want the folks who’re doing the hiring; making friends with the up-and-comers, people who are at your level or maybe one level above or below can be more valuable for your future than the folks who are there now. You don’t necessarily need an in with the person who’s making the hiring decisions; having a friend who can say “hey, you know that open spot we’re trying to fill? Well I know a guy…” can be the stepping stone you never realized you needed. 

This is also where having a better social circle can be useful. If you’re just surrounded with folks who aren’t ambitious or who aren’t interested in trying to work towards something greater… well, it’s probably a sign that you’ve grown past your “idiot coworkers” and you need to find friends who are more on your level. Not just because of the networking opportunities, but because having people around you who are as motivated as you and ambitious as you can help keep you motivated and engaged. If you’re surrounded with people who think it’s pointless or who actively shit on your dreams and goals, you’re going to lose your motivation and emotional resilience faster than you can blink. You want people who support you and cheer you on, not folks who tell you not to bother or who’ll just tell you why it’ll never work out.

But again: I think your first step should be making sure if you’re actually bothered by all of this, or you’re bothered by other people telling you that it should bother you. Because if it’s the latter, then the best thing you can do for yourself is tell folks to step the hell off. It’s your life and your journey, and it goes at the pace that works for you, not them.

Good luck.