An In-Depth Look at Men and Women

As you may know, I’m really big on statistics, metrics, heuristics, and anything data-driven that will bring objectivity to something as subjective and emotional as dating.

I think it’s essential that you know that 95% of people eventually get married.

Or that 95% of the country practices premarital sex.

Or that only 14% of men are over 6 feet tall.

And 5% makes over 100k.

Numbers put reality into perspective, and, from there, we can make healthy and informed decisions about love.

But nowhere do things get messier than when discussing men and women’s “sexual market value.”

Nowhere do things get messier than when discussing men and women’s “sexual market value.”

Understanding the Sexual Market Value of Men and Women

We’ve touched on it in many forms before.

Why do older men want younger women?

Why do older women want younger men?

How many emails do men and women get on dating sites?

The availability and merits of 7s vs. 10s, Lori Gottlieb’s seminal book, “Marry Him: The Case for Settling For Mr. Good Enough,” is pretty much a meditation on this very subject. Here’s why:

• Gottlieb discovered that while she was in her early 30s, passing up on the 7’s and holding out for a 10, by the time she reached her late 30s, the 10s were only interested in women in their early 30s.
• Furthermore, the quality of the men available to her as a 39-year-old who wanted her own biological children was closer to a 5 (in her mind).

Yes, I know these numbers are gauche, but we’re trying to establish a pattern. Not based on our feelings about how things should be or what would be right and just and fair. But simply by observing the behaviors and desires of men and women.

Enter Susan Walsh at Hooking Up Smart. I haven’t met Ms. Walsh, but I feel like we’re probably kindred spirits, because she decided to post this long, wonky post with a number of charts and graphs.

The premise of her post was to establish which gender, if any, had greater sexual market value – which is to say, more enduring appeal to the opposite sex over time. The term market value seems crude, but it’s the best possible term because, like economic market forces of supply and demand, these are completely self-regulating.

If a man thinks he can date a 10, but no 10’s want him, then, evidently, he’s overestimated his sexual market value. If a woman dates online and thinks she can date a man 10 years younger because she “looks good for her age,” but no men 10 years younger give her the time of day (apart from requests for NSA sex), then, well, she, too, has overestimated her sexual market value or dating power.

Essentially, whether you’re a 3 or a 10 is not your decision. The market will tell you what you can command just as it does with your own salary. Anyone who holds out for a 500K salary but finds that no one is willing to pay it will remain unemployed for a really, really long time.

SMV Perception: How Men and Women’s Worth Varies in the Dating World

Anyway, back to the original premise:

We generally agree that young women remain particularly appealing to men, even when it gets a bit creepy.

We generally agree that young women remain particularly appealing to men, even when it gets a bit creepy.

I think we can also agree that, for whatever reason, older men seem to have more dating options than older women. There are exceptions, of course, but there are more 50-60-year-old men dating 5-10 years younger than women dating men 5-10 years younger.

Based on this, there is a perception that men have greater sexual market value than women. Red pill/MGTOW men’s groups particularly espouse this opinion because it’s an appealing narrative. They say something to the effect of: “American women are way too picky, way too masculine, way too selfish. But due to biology, I can be that 45-year-old guy who is hooking up with 27-year-old women while 45-year-old women turn into angry spinsters.” These are not my sentiments. Still, we do see them occasionally expressed in the comments section below, usually by dorky guys without much game who play the “biology” card early and often.

That’s why I started this post about Susan Walsh. Using data from 200,000 people on OkCupid, Walsh takes on these men who overestimate their appeal to younger women and gives them a good old-fashioned scientific smackdown, concluding:

Mean male sexual value over 30 year period: 40.0

Mean female sexual value over 30 year period: 39.9

By this unbiased calculation of actual data, the male and female of the species exhibit the same sexual market value.

The OkCupid chart has good, reliable information for both sexes. Women need to understand that the male curve lags the female curve by about five years and is flatter and a little wider. That means you’ll have more competition from younger women as you age. You will never be hotter than you are at 22, so plan accordingly.

Final Thoughts

It’s essential to recognize that some men are motivated to elevate the SMV of aging males artificially, so ignore any wisdom characterized as a “red pill.”

In my own coaching materials, I always suggested that a woman’s peak was 27-30 in terms of her desirability to the most men and that a man’s peak was 35-39. I will stick with that premise since I think OkCupid’s data skews young. In other words, while a 22-year-old may be hot, most 41-year-old quality men would never actually date or marry one.

So to all of the readers in my core demographic: 35-55, have no fear and uplift your self-esteem. As long as most 22-year-olds are creeped out by 40-year-old guys, there is no shortage of men out there for you.

Your thoughts below are greatly appreciated.