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Doctor’s Note: As we start look at the start of new year, it’s a good time to look back at where we had been see how far we’ve come. New years, after all, are often a time to celebrate change and growth.
So with that in mind, for this week, I want to take a look back at some questions from the start of this column and answer them again, as though they were new. I’m answering these without looking at my old replies, so it’ll be interesting to see what’s changed, if anything. Welcome back to Ask Dr. NerdLove: Revisited.
This letter was first answered on December 21, 2011
Doc,
As a girl, I would like to know how to be obviously off the market. Uh… let me give you some background information:
I am definitely a nerdy girl. I’m relatively attractive and I can gush on about Star Trek for hours to anybody stupid enough to let me. I’m probably one of those girls that has an overinflated ego because of how geek culture generally views women and how easy it is to be like-able.
I WANT to be liked. I’m sure most people do. I don’t want to stop being liked.
The problem is, I’ve stumbled through some relationships recently that range from absolutely horrible to just damn annoying (a few that used my intense need to be liked to manipulate the hell out of me and one that seemed to view me as the prize you get if you win the dating game). I’m just absolutely sick of dating and the complications that come from it. I’m sure that feeling will eventually fade, but in the meantime I want to be able to make friends and be liked without being some kind of mythical sex goddess unicorn to every new guy I meet (this is obviously where the ego thing steps in, I do know that I’m not THAT attractive to everybody, really. I also know that sometimes I am.)
How can I and anybody else in a similar situation make it obvious that we are not currently looking to date? Is there a way to avoid the hideously awkward “Look, I don’t know if I’m reading you right but no thanks, its not you its me.” conversation?
– Not a Prize To Be Won
There’re a couple things to consider, NAPTBW, starting with the fact that there is no such thing as a perfect “don’t even think about asking me out” signal. It doesn’t matter how obvious, how firm or how blunt it is; a lot of people will miss it or ignore it under the assumption that yes you mean that for other people but not Studly GoodNight. And frankly, you could put up road barriers marked “Not On The Market, Not Interested in Talking, Do Not Cross” in front of you with the flashers on and there would still be guys who would straight Wile E. Coyote their way through it, leaving a human shaped hole in the center because they assume that they are the obvious exception to your “not on the market, not interested” message.
Part of the problem – and this is true across communities and interest groups, whether nerds and geeks, jocks, tech bros, whatever – is that motivated reasoning is a motherfucker, and it’s very easy to convince oneself that other people’s desire to not interact with folks is less important than their desire to talk to an attractive lady. They’re the hero of their own narrative, the main character of the universe, so of course, they’re allowed to push past that initial resistance and prove that they are, in fact, the droids you’ve been looking for.
This gets all the more “amusing” when you factor in how many of them will then get upset that you’re not following along in the script that they’ve written for you in their heads.
But one thing that jumped out at me in your letter was that you mentioned an intense desire to be liked. Having people-pleasing tendencies can really get in the way of trying to establish a firm boundary with people, especially people you know. This, combined with the way that women are still socialized to prioritize men’s feelings over women’s own comfort and interests can lead to a lot of soft “no”s – that is, refusals or deflections that’re concealed in socially plausible reasons why you couldn’t do something without turning them down, directly.
The problem is: people tend to ignore soft no’s when they want to. It’s not that they don’t hear them or don’t recognize them when they happen, it’s that they’re doing the classic gambit of “I reject your reality and substitute my own!” So if you say “I’m just not looking for a relationship right now” or “I’m taking a break from dating” or some other equally soft refusal, they’ll zero in on the “right now” part and now “Not interested in dating” part.
At best, all that happens is that you’ve kicked the can down the road, and they hope that they can hang around long enough that they’ll be first in line (metaphorically) when the window of opportunity reopens. At worst, they’ll take that as a challenge and try to prove to you that you should be dating them. Often through continuing to pester you for dates.
So you’re going to have to start getting comfortable with being blunt and direct. That doesn’t mean you need to be rude, but you can be direct and still be polite. Now, if you’re not sure that someone’s giving “I want to date you” vibes but isn’t actually saying the words, then take it at face value. But if they’re inviting you to do things that sound suspiciously date-like and you’re not sure or they’re starting to behave in ways that seem overtly like they’re angling for more than friendship, then you’re going to have to call it out. I realize you’d prefer not to have that awkward moment, but a moment of “OK, just to be clear, are you asking me out on a date?” or “You mean like a date?” is going to be less awkward than weeks or months of trying to figure things out, only to have to have the conversation anyway.
Now, it’s possible that they’ll try to surf the quantum wave of ambiguity, where they’re both asking and not asking you on a date at the same time and hope that they can upgrade to a date while you’re on it. Or they may actually say that yes, they’re asking for a date. In those cases, then you’re going to have to turn them down, firmly, completely and unequivocally.
You want to think of it like a knife: short, sharp and to the point. “I’m flattered, but I’m not interested,” or “I appreciate the compliment but I don’t want to go on a date”. Don’t give details, don’t soft-pedal it by giving reasons or excuses. Just “thank you, but no”. Anything after that isn’t a refusal, it’s the opening position for negotiations.
Yeah, it’s uncomfortable and creates the possibility of hurt feelings, but trust me: it’s a lot better for everyone to keep it simple and clear.
Good luck.
This question was first answered on October 11, 2011
Dear Dr. NerdLove: I am 23 year old adult who has; what might be to some; a nerdy obsession. However my profound love is not an interest of high fantasy literature, video games, movies, or anime, but an overzealous devotion to heavy metal music. This seems to be my down fall as I live smack dab in the Bible Belt. This little fact means that I am surrounded by women who have picked up the social, political, and sometimes religious views of their community.
Now I like the southern girls as much as any other guy in the area, but my dilemma is that I have a hell of a time explaining to the girls that comes over to my house; that just because I own a ton of CDs that range in topic from anti-religious sentiments to brutal violence; that I am not some kind of nut case.
Let me paint the picture a little better. Say I meet a nice young lady out in public, hit it off, and hook up with her; the first few dates being outings and maybe going over to her place (If I am to be so lucky). But then she asks to see, hang, or go over to my place. I then have to spend an afternoon coming up with a series of explanations as to why I have this really obscure hobby (if you can call metal collecting a hobby; I will leave that up to you). The music in general is not a big issue; it’s not like I my placed rigged to play black metal when I walk through the door. It’s all the paraphernalia like CD cases, band posters, T-shirts, and magazines that often have graphic content on it. Some girls just get put off by it.
At first I thought it would just be a few girls that might freak out about it, but I soon realized that I was explaining my hobby to every one of the opposite sex who walked through my door.
My question is this: Is it possible to meet and hook up with people when you maintain a hobby that controversial, or does it require the person in question to lock a few skeletons in their closet.
Death Metal Head
Here’s a question for you, DMH: do you want to be dating someone who is going to see your taste in music as a disqualifier?
My second question for you is: if you take away the loaded imagery of some death metal (some folks are always going to see corpse paint, pile-o-sticks logos and trying-to-shock-and-offend-you album art as turn off) and substitute it with, say, video game paraphernalia or anime or some other interest, does your apartment look like an adult lives there or like a teenager was given free reign over the décor and interior design? That’s going to be a much bigger issue when it comes to bringing women over. Offensive or graphic imagery is just going to be the squicked out cherry on that particular sundae.
It’s important to answer both of these questions, but the latter is going to be more important than the former. What someone sees when they come to your place for the first time is going to tell them a lot about who you are – whether you intend it or not. If your apartment looks like a tornado tore through the merch tent at Wacken, your date is probably going to suddenly remember that she needs to go home and shave the cat. Not necessarily because it’s wall to wall Opeth and Thy Art Is Murder, but because it’s cluttered and messy and looks like Oscar the Grouch is living there – not a grown ass man.
If it’s not a matter of only knowing that you have a floor because all your shit hasn’t dropped into the apartment below you, everything isn’t piled up like the first ten minutes of an episode of Horders and the cockroaches haven’t moved out to find a place more upscale, then it becomes a question of style and presentation. One of the common complaints that women will often have about the ways guys will live is that their homes are clearly not meant to be shared; they’ll have a section devoted to their console setup or their battlestations or their hifi system… and then a mattress on the floor with no bedframe, a single chair or couch, no kitchen or dining room furniture and so on.
Yeah, sometimes this is as much about income and poverty as it is anything else, but it still conveys a particular message. And that message is “I have never considered sharing this space with anyone else.” The issue isn’t cost or class, so much as “will it be physically comfortable to share this space with another person?” A living room picnic can be romantic. Not having chairs and a dining table quickly loses its charm (and it loses it even faster when your knees, hips and back no longer find it as convenient as you do).
So consider whether someone – who isn’t an exact clone of you – would be physically comfortable in this space – in terms of cleanliness but also furnishings. Then it’s time to consider the décor and how you’re displaying your collection.
Part of what will make the difference is simply presentation. Posters and memorabilia hit differently when they’re framed or in a display. An autographed band shirt in a shadowbox or framed and hung on the wall is significantly different than a bunch of them draped over the backs of chairs. A wall of shelves designed to show off some killer vinyl or choice albums from your collection is different than when they’re just loose on the coffee table. These little adjustments make the difference between “immature clutter” and “a carefully curated collection”.
But just as importantly, there can be levels to what you display and where. The more public the space – that is, places where more people who aren’t as into heavy metal as you are likely to congregate – the less outre the stuff you display. Yeah, the art and imagery that’s more palatable to the general public isn’t always going to be your favorite, but it’s also less likely to turn off people who are still in the “getting to know you” stage or who aren’t as used to you and familiar with your interests.
Now, if you have the space, then designating one room as the home for your collection can be useful. Here’s where you can put house and display the stuff that’s more likely to shock and offend people. Having it off in its own space means that people who want to see it or who are ok with it can find it, but it’s not going to be as much of a sudden shock to someone coming over for the first time. It also, incidentally, gives you a chance to adjust what’s out on display; you can rotate some items in and out when you want a change or you add new items to your collection.
But let’s get back to the first question: are you really going to want to date someone who’s going to be put off by your being a metalhead in the first place? That doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re only ever going to be dating people in the scene, but you’ll at least want to focus on dating folks who a) can respect that you love metal and b) aren’t going to see dark, gothic or extreme art as a sign that you’re the last surviving cult member from Michelle Remembers. So while I’m always a believer in curating your hobbies, you are going to avoid a lot of headaches by filtering for people who’ll be cool with it in the first place – even if they’re more of a Swiftie than a Nightwish devotee.
And really, you’ll have probably filtered out the people who are going to be turned off by your hobby before you ever got to the “coming back to your place” stage anyway.
Oh, one more thing: just because you’re talking about southern women in the buckle of the bible belt doesn’t mean that people can’t surprise you. A lot of folks who may not necessarily be into the cookie-monster-growling-and-howling genres of metal might find a lot to love about, say, Halestorm or Within Temptation or Old Gods of Asgard.
Good luck.
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