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No one wants to be merely average.
And, if you ask around, few of us think we’re average. In fact, I’ll bet that you feel you are smarter than average, kinder than average and better looking than average.
But what you may not have considered is that having high self-worth can actually be detrimental to your chances to find love.
It certainly was for me, your humble dating coach.
I tell my story – and illustrate how it reflects on you – in the first chapter of my book, “Why He Disappeared – The Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever.”
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s great to have self-esteem, especially when it comes to dating. Self-esteem carries us through tough times – through loneliness, through rejection – and allows us to keep getting out there even when things are bleak.
Moreover, when confidence comes with true self-esteem, it proves to be an extremely attractive quality. According to the Harlequin Books Romance Report (for which I was a spokesman in 2006), both men and women feel that confidence is the most important attribute in a partner. Which is why it pains me to report that confidence has a serious downside as well.
The downside of confidence is that it’s only a hair’s breadth away from arrogance. And if you think you’re better than others, it will inadvertently come across.
It’s not only cute, Ivy League investment bankers that give off a whiff of arrogance.
The downside of confidence is that it’s only a hair’s breadth away from arrogance.
It’s the vegan who can’t stand meat eaters.
It’s the born-again Christian who looks down on non-believers.
It’s the Democrat who thinks all Republicans are evil.
I’m not singling out those people, per se. After all, we all do this, to some degree – mainly by putting our own beliefs up on a pedestal. Basically, most people’s worldviews are: “If you agree with me, you’re right; if you disagree with me, you’re wrong.”
Except that’s not how the world works. People don’t want to be with someone who makes them feel “wrong.”
I couldn’t be with my wife if she were always reminding me how I’m going to hell for not being Christian.
She couldn’t be with me if I were constantly harping on her to get a more lucrative job.
This confidence (which is actually narcissism) comes out of insecurity. Instead of accepting the fact that other people have different beliefs, most of which are perfectly valid, you expect your dates to be in complete lockstep with you.
I can’t tell you how many times I have had a client – a bright, kind, lovely woman – tell me that her partner had to have certain beliefs in common to be her husband.
You don’t need a clone. You need a PARTNER.
You’ve been in relationships before. Isn’t most of your time spent talking about what you’re going to eat, where you’re going this weekend, what’s happening at work, how much money you’re saving, and all the things you’d like to do in the future? When you have kids, I’m pretty sure they’re the dominant topic of conversation.
You know how much time we spend talking about the Iraq War? Pretty much none.
So to stake your relationship – which is more dependent on kindness, consistency, values and long-term goals – on his belief about what happens after you die, or about the merits of big government – is incredibly shortsighted.
My relationship survives just fine when I go on some liberal rant to my wife. She doesn’t have to agree with everything I say in order to love me.
She loves me because I put her needs first, because I’d do anything for her, because I make her laugh, because I protect her. If she got rid of me because of politics, religion, or my inability to run a 5K, I predict she’d be making a big mistake.
I can’t stress this enough: You don’t need a clone. You need a PARTNER.
So while it’s normal to want a partner who’s on your exact wavelength, it is, by no means imperative. In fact, if you look at relationships in your past, you may just find that the man who was too similar to you did NOT make a good fit for your life.
To give you a stark portrayal of how your desires may be not only detrimental, but unrealistic, I’d like to ask you to do this simple math exercise. So, please write down your answers so you can do the multiplication…
What percentage of men is attractive enough to date?
What percentage of men is intelligent/interesting enough to date?
What percentage of men is emotionally available enough to date?
What percentage of men is financially stable enough to date?
What percentage of men do you “click” with on a date?
Finally, what percentage of men feel that YOU are attractive, intelligent, emotionally available, financially stable, and compatible?
When you go through this exercise – and multiply those numbers together – you’ll see that, by your standards, almost NOBODY qualifies for a date with you. .0001%, maybe.
But wait, there’s more!
See, amazing and unique women often aren’t content finding a mate who is in the .0001 percentile. You still need to do a little more filtering beyond being cute, smart, successful, available, and having chemistry. For example:
Frankly, I think you’re lucky if you find someone who PUTS UP with your obsession.
“I’m a huge dog person – I have three of them – and the man I’m with has to feel the same way about animals.”
“I’m a triathlete and wake up at 5:30am every day to train – and I want to be able to share my passion with my girlfriend.”
“I’m an indie music freak. There’s nothing worse to me than a guy with middle of the road taste in music.”
Factor in these kinds of things, and it becomes nearly impossible to find love. What percentage of men has three dogs? What percentage of women wants to wake up and run 5 miles? And why in God’s name do you have to share these interests anyway?
Frankly, I think you’re lucky if you find someone who PUTS UP with your obsession.
And that goes for anyone who does something in the extreme: work, travel, spend time with family.
It’s a lot to ask for someone to be agreeable; it’s unfair to ask them to feel the same as you feel. If you DO find the person who is an extreme dog person, then you may have to accept the fact that he’s may not be as financially stable or attractive as you’d like.
Relationships involve trade-offs.
Compromise isn’t just for “other” people who have to put up with you.
And if you make EVERYTHING a deal-breaker, you can’t be too surprised when you’re still standing alone.
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