Believe The Negatives, Ignore The Positives

Last week, I thought of something I’d never quite considered.

It was in my Love U Live Coaching call, and a new member, Natalie, asked a question:

I went to visit a friend I’ve known for a while, and we got involved. Over the next week, we exchanged flirty emails and texts. Last week he ended up coming into town, and he stayed with me, continuing the romance. He is hesitant about jumping into a relationship (i.e., not wanting to mess up our friendship, he said he’s a mess, he’s recovering from an insane relationship, etc.).

In general, I’m trying to give him sufficient space and no pressure. Aside from any general advice you have, how do I balance showing interest with giving sufficient personal space? —Natalie

Natalie’s question was a good one — but it was the wrong question. The real question is why she’d be so inclined to ignore all of this guy’s red flags.

She shouldn’t be figuring out how to be the “cool girl.” She should be figuring out how to punch up her online dating profile to find a better man.

After all, would YOU feel encouraged if your date said any one of the following:

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship by experimenting with a relationship.”
“I’m really an emotional basket case right now.”
“I’m on the rebound from an absolutely insane relationship.”

Natalie feels chemistry, and, as I’ve pointed out before, chemistry is what allows you to overlook a man’s biggest flaws. Look at your past — when you’re hot for a guy, you just sweep the red flags under the rug as if they’re not even there, just so you can keep up that passionate feeling.

And where would that passionate feeling lead Natalie if she actually gets the guy?

Right into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable, messed-up man who is the first to say that he’s probably not ready to embark on something serious.

Can you say, “huh?”

This is like booking a seat on the Titanic AFTER you knew it was going to crash.

This is like booking a seat on the Titanic AFTER you knew it was going to crash.

My advice to Natalie was to tell her friend that she thinks he’s great, but this doesn’t appear to be the best timing. If and when he decides he’s ready, he can give her a call, and if Natalie’s available, she may consider going out with him again.

The end.

But Natalie’s story really got me thinking about how hard it is to read a man.

Between your blind spots, your emotions, and most men’s communication styles, it might seem impossible to read between the lines.

Until right now.

After talking to Natalie, I hatched a very simple way to know where you stand with men. Write this down, put it on your mirror, and never forget this:

“Believe the negatives; ignore the positives.”

Contrary to what you might believe, most men do NOT lie to you.

Contrary to what you might believe, most men do NOT lie to you.

That old wives’ tale about the guy who says he loves you in order to sleep with you doesn’t really happen anymore, because saying “I love you” creates FAR more complications than sex does.

So if most men have a measure of integrity and won’t straight-out lie to you about whether they love you or are seeing other women, what do they usually do?

They hint.

Natalie’s guy is a hinter — telling her all the reasons she should stay away from him after sleeping with him — all because he’s a decent guy who wants to feel that he gave her fair warning.

I did the exact same thing when I was single, and I’m POSITIVE you’ve had it happen to you as well.

The guy you’re seeing says some version of “I don’t know if I’m ready for a committed relationship right now,” and you act like he never said it at all.

Then in 6 months, when you’re still just “seeing” him and want to know where things are going, he says, “I TOLD you I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend.”

He feels he’s covered his ass. You feel that he’s lied. But he hasn’t. He just didn’t INSIST that you ran away from him. You took your chances, and you lost.

So, from now on, heed this policy.

When a guy says something indicating that he doesn’t want a relationship with you — “I’m not ready,” “The timing is bad,” “I’m really busy at work,” “I’m not sure about my attraction to you,” or refuses to become your boyfriend in three months, guess what?

You should BELIEVE him.

And when a guy takes you on a great date, tells you you’re beautiful, makes love with you, and says he wants to take you to Cancun, you should NOT believe him.

Why?

Because it means NOTHING.

You’ve seen this yourself.

Men live in the moment.

If we are attracted to you, we’ll sleep with you first and figure out our feelings later.

You don’t operate this way, which is why you’re perpetually surprised that we do. But we do, and it’s nothing that you or I can change about men.

So take it from me — the next time you’re excited about a guy:

Ignore all the positives that come with your initial attraction. 

Great first dates. The big talk of a future. Hot sex. Just put them aside. They say nothing about his feelings for you.

What DOES mean something?

The negative red flags that you will now pay attention to.

And how quickly he follows up your date to say, “I want to see you again.”

That’s it.

Believe the negatives; ignore the positives.

Let me know if this makes sense to you and if you’ve ever ignored the negatives and had it come back to bite you.