Break Out Of Your Box

Let’s talk about change and why growth can feel so difficult. When you’re trying to build a life for yourself – or build a new and better one – it can feel as though you have few options and even fewer that actually work. This is especially true when it feels like all of the paths in front of you “just aren’t you, man.”

Now sometimes this means that the problem is that you’re letting your self-limiting beliefs get in the way of your own success. Other times, however, the problem is that we’re so hung up on trying to fit into a particular mold or box that we don’t realize that this box never fit in the first place… and never will.

This is actually more common than you’d think. One of the worst habits that people fall into is that we let ourselves be bound up by “rules” — rules that don’t actually exist, but that we set up for ourselves and follow anyway. These rules, such as they are, narrow our ways of thinking and create artificial limits on ourselves. They force us into false choices and prevent us from seeing alternatives that may work better for us. We end up seeing things in exactly one way and, if that way isn’t a good fit for us or doesn’t work out – especially right from the start – we assume that we’re failing at them.

What we never seem to realize is that we’re so busy trying to break ourselves into pieces and sand off bits of ourselves to fit into a particular box, we never stop to think that maybe the box is the problem, not us. In those moments we are, for all intents and purposes, passively accepting a framing that limits us. We end up in a trap of looking at other people’s path to success and assuming that it’s the only option, without considering that maybe this isn’t actually true. We’re so used to assuming that we need to fit into a particular mold or that our choices are so limited that there’s really no way to succeed. So our choices seem to be either try to magically become a completely different person… or accept that there’s no hope and we should just give up.

Instead, what we often need to do is to take a page from one James Tiberius Kirk.

If it seems like we’ve stuck ourselves in a no-win situation, then it’s time to change the rules and find alternatives. Restricting yourself to that narrow box hasn’t worked and won’t work. So it’s time to break out of the box.

 If you feel like you aren’t winning or you can’t win… sometimes what you need is to change the rules.

Here’s how.

If You Want Things To Be Different, You Need To Do Things Differently

It’s probably safe to assume that you’ve heard the old saw that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Leaving aside that the saying is pretty ableist, it’s not actually wrong. One of the reasons why people get stuck in ruts or struggle with self-improvement is that, at the end of the day, they’re not changing things. Not in ways that matter. They aren’t actually making substantive changes, either to their behaviors, their beliefs, their habits or their routines. Notice very carefully that I said substantive changes. Most of the time, people are making superficial changes… things that seem different on the surface but aren’t actually that different from the original behavior.

Geek culture, especially video game culture, is a prime example of this. For decades, the rallying cry of nerds and geeks was that they were bullied and ostracized for not fitting into a particular mold – not being as physical or socially skilled as the popular kids, not liking the “cool” bands or fitting into the supposedly narrow confines of what was considered “acceptable”. Instead, they said, they were excluded, belittled and exiled from the mainstream because they didn’t meet the standards that “real men”1 were supposed to meet.

And so they created their own communities, their own expected codes of behavior and conduct and acceptable interests, and went off to do their own thing. The nerd-equivalent of “going Galt”, if you will2.

The problem is… they didn’t actually change anything. Certainly not on a meaningful level. They filed off the serial numbers, sure, replacing “sports” with “Call of Duty” and “jocks” with “hardcore gamers”. But when it came to, say, being more inclusive, less gender essentialist or even just more emotionally supportive and understanding, they whiffed. Hard. All that they did was switch out surface level details, but kept the system in place… the same system that excluded them in the first place. The only difference was that in their little corner of the world, they were theoretically on top; everything else, including the idolization of violence and sexual prowess, aggression, status-seeking and exclusionary attitudes was exactly the same.

Hell, companies marketed games to geeks using the same insults and jokes that jocks would throw at them.

Not surprisingly, this did a whole lotta nothing for geek persecution complexes, even when geek culture had become mainstream culture.

Now, leaving aside the fact that I could rant about this for another 5000 words, we see this problem all the time when folks want different outcomes but stay within the confines of the very same box that they were just complaining about. If we zoom out, we can see this problem replicated all over the place. Short men will, for example, complain about being short and how much it keeps them from finding love. Many will look for ways to appear taller or otherwise mitigate their lack of height. Some will even pay tens of thousands of dollars for incredibly painful and risky limb-lengthening surgery. Few, however, are willing to completely disregard height stigma and, say, date tall women instead of worrying about not being tall enough.

The same goes for any number of men who don’t fit certain physical ideals, whether it’s penis size, fatness vs. muscle tone, or hair; they spend more time trying to disguise, correct or mitigate the perceived lack rather than confront the idea that those standards are bullshit and it’s better to find your own way instead. Is it harder to go against the current? Of course it is… but going with the current ends up making things worse. At the very least, it’s a tacit acceptance that there’s something wrong or deficient with you. That’s a recipe for anxiety and insecurity, no matter how hard you fight to try to match those standards.

If it seems like I’m focusing on superficial issues… well, that’s by design. Many times, the things that people feel are holding them back are systemic; they don’t fit the mold that they were told to fit into and never realize that the mold is the problem, not them. So rather than trying to find ways to fit into someone else’s restrictive ideas – whether those ideas are about masculinity, sexuality or even in-group identity – what you may need to do is discard the mold entirely and blaze your own path – often in ways that can be offbeat, unexpected or unorthodox.

Of course, sometimes the first box you have to break out of is…  well, “you”.

“YOU” are A Flexible Concept

Let’s talk about sports for a second. Stick with me, this will make sense in a moment.

I’m a classic Gen X geek. Like many of my generation, I had an active dislike of organized team sports. I saw it as the purview of the assholes who bullied me in middle-school and wanted nothing to do with it. The few times that family or friends took me to see football games, I would spend more time running around the stadium than actually watching the game. The last time I went to see a basketball game in person, I brought my laptop so I could game while watching someone else’s game. And for reference, this was back before wifi was a thing, bluetooth was a glimmer in an engineer’s eye and when laptops looked like this:

Over time, my stance on sports had softened. I went from “sports are stupid and the only people who like them are dumb” to “ok, I guess it’s cool that my home team made it to the playoffs, but it’s still dumb” to “It seems like everyone’s having a good time, it’s just a shame that lack the gene that let me appreciate sports.” So far, so typical.

Then a few weeks ago, a friend of mine invited me to a hockey game. I chose to go because hey, why not? That led to this exchange:

Yeah this was out of character for me… but then again, that’s precisely why I went. Not only was it going to be a new experience for me, I wanted to break out of my old assumptions about who I was as a person. I’d let the “I don’t like sports” thing be part of my identity for so long that I never questioned it. As it turns out… well, that’s not actually me. I may never be someone who gets into the minutia of statistics or each player’s history, but going, drinking a beer and yelling and hooting and hollering with other people was actually a damn good time.

But I never would’ve known that if I wasn’t willing to take a chance at doing something completely out of the ordinary for me. I had to be willing to challenge my sense of self and who I was and who I wasn’t.

Which is precisely what a lot of people don’t do.

How many times have you turned down invitations or opportunities because they were just “not you”… even though you’d never done it before? How many things have you cut yourself off from because they didn’t match your sense of self? Did you ever refuse to wear a certain shirt or pair of shoes because “they just weren’t you”, even though you really wanted to wear them? Have you avoided learning how to dance or go to an concert or listen to a band – a band you likely would’ve enjoyed – because that “just wasn’t something you did”? Then you’ve experienced this first hand. You’ve cut yourself off from things, things you may well want, because they don’t fit your mental idea of “you”.

Here’s the dirty little secret of this: this has nothing to do with who “you” are. When we say “that’s not me” or “that’s not something I do”, we’re not talking about immutable aspects of our character. What we are almost always doing is saying “this is a thing that I’m not comfortable with,” or “this is a thing I’m afraid to do.”

When we dismiss something as “not me”, we’re frequently responding to feelings of discomfort, shame or embarrassment. Sometimes these feelings come from past experiences and associations; I had whole eras and genres of music I refused to listen to, not because I didn’t like them, but because the people who treated me like shit in school liked it. Other times, those feelings come from speculation and fear. Approach anxiety, for example, is much more about fear of rejection and refusing to believe in your own worth than it is about not being “someone who can just talk to women”.

But rather than explore or confront these feelings – which is often uncomfortable in and of itself – we treat them as integral parts of our identity. It’s much easier to say “this just isn’t me”, than it is to say “ok, this is something I want but I’m afraid to let myself have/do/experience because I’m scared.”

And to be fair: sometimes we’re correct. Those are things that, for whatever reason, aren’t something we want, need or would enjoy. But more often than not, we’re just trying to avoid discomfort without so much as giving it a chance. And while it’s understandable that we’d want to avoid discomfort, all this does is cut us off from opportunities for growth, improvement or even success. Worse, that doesn’t even help. Avoiding discomfort or anxiety just increases our anxiety.

But here’s a truth: who you are is a concept in flux. “You” aren’t the same from one moment to the next, and the things that you assume aren’t “you” often can be if you actually put your mind to it. I long assumed I didn’t enjoy sports until I did. I long took it for granted that I wasn’t someone who could go up to random attractive women and start a conversation with them… until I had someone literally push me into doing so. And wouldn’t you know it: I absolutely could. I just avoided even trying because I was afraid.

The fact of the matter is that “you” are capable of much, much more than you believe you are. Challenging those limiting beliefs is a vital part of breaking out of that box and blasting past your sticking points. Yes, sometimes you’ll find that you’re right: that’s something that isn’t right for you. But more often than not, what you can or can’t do is based, not on reality, but on false assumptions about what your limits are, and attempts at self-protection. Challenging those assumptions and what you can or can’t do is important, because you are always capable of more than you’d believe. Honor that desire to protect yourself, but also recognize that in your desire to protect yourself, you’ve locked yourself in a cage.

When you struggle with improvement, challenge your beliefs of who “you” are and what your limits are. Many times, you’ll discover that you were wrong. Sometimes you’ll learn that things have changed over time and what may have been true before isn’t true now. Other times, you’ll realize that you were wrong this entire time and you’ve been held back by lies and false beliefs.

That’s not to say that challenging these beliefs is always easy. It’s one thing to, say, go watch a soccer match or check out a band on Bandcamp. It’s another to try to cultivate a skill you’ve long believed was off limits to you. You’ll have to push past the initial discomfort and the pain period – the moment when you are the most aware of your inexperience – but that pain period is something everyone experiences as they learn. And many times, that pain is momentary until you allow yourself to relax and accept that you can do this. The initial feeling that you’re a fraud or that everyone can tell you’re a faker for wearing that cool shirt or that awesome jacket is temporary. The truth is that you can pull it off. The key is attitude and confidence, not being the “right” person.

Don’t let the idea of who “you” are be a cage.  It’s a starting point, not the end; a journey, not a wall.

The Obvious Path Isn’t Always The Right Path

Back in the day, when I was a comic creator, there was a story I always enjoyed about another comic hopeful. He had a brilliant imagination – the kind of brain that just throws wild concepts around but somehow makes them work. However, trying to break into comics was and is famously difficult. For a long time, especially in the pre-Internet and early Internet days, the joke was that every time someone successfully found a way to break into comics, everyone else in the industry would immediately brick up that opening lest anyone else tried to get in the same way.

Despite having the sort of once-in-a-lifetime type of talent that most publishers would kill to nurture, every time he submitted his portfolio to the Big Four (Marvel, DC, Image, Dark Horse), he was rejected. Too outre, too not of the moment, just not the right “voice.” So, eventually, he put his comic dreams on hold and decided to pursue another creative passion for a while, until eventually he decided it was time to give comics a try again.

Which is how Gerard Way became a genre-defining rock star before he found a publisher for The Umbrella Academy.

There’s a reason why I bring this up… ok, well, a reason besides the fact that I love a good twist ending.  I bring this up because this is a prime example of how focusing on the most obvious path can actually be a mistake. Many times we allow ourselves to get tunnel vision when we’re pursuing our goals. We tend to focus on the shiniest, most obvious path to what we think we want. The problem is that the fact that the path is obvious doesn’t mean that it’s the only path… or even the right one. The most obvious path to success is often obvious because someone else blazed it first and made such an impact that we assume that their path is the path.

It makes sense, in its way; if someone else succeeded this way, shouldn’t that mean that we would succeed the exact same way?

What we rarely understand is that just because someone else took that path doesn’t mean that it’ll work for everyone… or even anyone else for that matter. The path may seem clear and obvious, but we never see what made that path even possible for the people who came before us.

Bill Gates is mythologized as a scrappy and hungry up-and-comer who built an empire from his garage. He’s held up as an example of how with pluck, determination, education, hard work and a can-do attitude, anyone can become a billionaire. What we rarely hear about is how, rather than being a rags-to-riches story, he came from family money. Similarly, we don’t hear about how his parents had the resources to put him in a very unique school that would recognize and nurture his talent for coding. Nor do we hear about how his parents’ resources meant that he had unprecedented access to computers and mainframes at a time when literally nobody else did.

Trying to follow that path – the seemingly obvious one, the glaring one, the one that already led to success – is a fool’s errand; it worked before because a very specific person at a very specific time blazed it. Anyone else who tries to replicate his success is doomed to fail in no small part because they aren’t that person. We lock onto those obvious paths because we’ve seen the big, splashy successes. What we don’t see are all the other people who followed that same path and failed. This is what’s known as “survivorship bias” – focusing on successes, because they’re more obvious to us than the failures.

But here’s the thing: the fact that the obvious path to success – whatever that success may look like to you – isn’t always the right one doesn’t mean that there are no paths. It just means that you want to expand your search for paths that may not be quite as obvious. Gerard Way failed as a comic creator at first, sure. But he got there eventually; he just followed a less obvious path and one that played to his strengths. He was able to parlay success in one field into entry into another. And while that path may not be one you can take, it does demonstrate that there’s more than one way to achieve your goals… as long as you’re willing to be creative and look further afield.

The tendency to follow the “obvious” path is everywhere, even in dating. A lot of people struggle with dating, not because they’re deficient or broken, but because they’re following what they assume to be the most obvious path to success. They’re modeling themselves after what they think other folks have done, rather than finding the way that works for them. In fact, in many cases, they end up locked in a cargo-cult mentality – trying to succeed by imitating the outward look and feel of others. The PUA scene is a prime example of this. The “dress like Hot Topic exploded all over you” fashion, weird nicknames, pre-scripted routines and gimmicks came about because people were trying to imitate Mystery – forgetting that a) he was a stage magician who was trying to model himself after Cris Angel and b) he wasn’t that successful in the long run either.

When you’re struggling to reach your goals, sometimes you need to ask: are you trying to replicate someone else’s success? Are you following somebody else’s path because “that’s how it’s done?” Perhaps what you need isn’t to “just grind harder”. What you need is to stop following the obvious path and, as the cliche goes, think outside the box.

What does that mean? Well, I’m glad you asked, convenient rhetorical device.

When God Closes a Door, Blow Open a Hole In The Wall

One of the most common questions I get, especially from people who are just starting to improve their dating skills, is “where is the best place to meet women?”

The answer is as simple as it is obvious: “where the kind of women you most want to date hang out.” It’s also not terribly satisfying because, well, that could mean literally anywhere. Which is actually the whole point: you can meet women anywhere. We have an almost infinite number of meet-cute stories of how people met their partners in the most unexpected of places and circumstances – from random encounters during street festivals to being late because they got lost on the first day of classes in college.

However, what people actually mean is “what’s the most efficient place to meet women,” which is a different question entirely. What they’re looking for is a place where there’re large numbers of single and available women. It’s an understandable goal. When there’re more women around, then you theoretically have better odds of getting a date, if only through sheer volume. It’s the shotgun effect; throw out enough lead and you’ll hit something, eventually. This is why so many folks focus like lasers on meeting women at bars or clubs. Not only are these held up as The Place To Pick Up Women, but it’s easier to hit on and flirt with multiple people over the course of an evening without coming across as weird or creepy.

Of course, most folks don’t meet their significant others at clubs or bars; even in 2022, a plurality of people meet their partners through mutual friends or shared activities, with dating apps a close second. But even then, this isn’t necessarily helpful. Dating apps can be stressful and take a lot of work. Meeting through friends or shared activities doesn’t help if your hobbies and interests are dude-heavy or you don’t have a robust social circle. What do you do then?

It’s incredibly easy to artificially narrow your options without realizing it, in part because you focus on the seemingly obvious choices.  Speed dating is woefully inefficient at best and more of a gimmick at worst. Mixers for single professionals are somewhat common, for example, but those can be few and far between, especially depending on your industry. Meanwhile, dating apps can be a shitshow of epic proportions, and demographics can limit just how many women are on the apps in your area at any given time.

If you look a little further afield, then your options expand… at least, in theory. If you focus on “go where the women are”, then it would  make sense to, say, go to yoga studios or dance classes. However, these tend to have significant drawbacks. Salsa dancing seems like an obvious choice for meeting women – women love dancing and salsa’s intimate and sensual style means getting very up close and personal with your dance partners. Yoga, on the other hand, rather famously has a high female-to-male ratio, making it what many would call a “target rich environment”.

But as it turns out, these aren’t the panaceas one might think. Many salsa classes have a “too many dicks on the dance floor” problem, where single women are wildly outnumbered by men who came looking to meet women. Similarly, dudes are notorious for cruising yoga classes like horny sharks, while the women are there specifically to, y’know. Do yoga. Needless to say, most of the women will have very reasonable suspicions of new guys who show up and the guy who’s there trying to treat it like a sex ATM is going to be as noticeable as a fart in church and about as appreciated.

This is where thinking outside the box and finding creative solutions becomes important. When the obvious choices don’t work or the drawbacks are too high, then you want to start looking further afield. You may not find a lot of women in a salsa class, but you may find far more in a hip hop class or a ballroom class. Dating apps can be a nightmare, but people can and do meet, date and marry people they first met in forums, Discords and MMOs. Hell, folks have dated people they met through Venmo.

Classes are another great way to meet people; not only are you more likely to find a wide variety of people, but they’re inherently social. You’re expected to mingle and talk before and after class. The same applies to local amateur sports leagues. Socializing and having fun is the entire point of an amateur beach volleyball or kickball league. The game itself is almost secondary. Plus, if you can’t field a team of your own, many leagues have a service that will place you on one.

It’s important, however, to keep in mind that you don’t want to approach these like you would a singles bar. Just as with the yoga class, if you roll in dick first and hit on everyone, you’re going to find yourself frozen out very, very quickly. The key is to view these as joining a community and connecting with people at that level. You’re not there to get laid, you’re there to meet people, make friends and enjoy being part of a group. But by treating these as joining a community and building a social circle, you’ll foster very real, very valuable relationships… ones that often spark into attraction and more. As I said: most people meet their partners through friends and shared interests. Having these commonalities makes it possible for love (or something very like it) to form.

Just as importantly, thinking outside the box means thinking one or two steps beyond who’s in the immediate vicinity. One of the reasons why men will struggle to meet women through classes or communities is because they show up to a MeetUp or a dance class, realize there’re few or no available women and bounce. This is a mistake. First and foremost, it breaks the “don’t treat this like a pickup joint” rule. More significantly, however, is that it betrays a limited mindset. Yes, you may not have seen the woman of your dreams at your local competitive ballroom class… but the people at the class have friends. Many times, those friends are single. And if you establish yourself as a good guy who’s fun and worth getting to know, your new friends may well be talking you up to their friends.

Now, this may not be as fast or flashy as rolling into the bar and trying to find someone who’s looking for some anonymous and fleeting satisfaction. It certainly means having to polish your presentation and social skills. However, the benefits of this approach tend to be proportional to the effort you put in. Not only do you build romantic relationships, but friendships and community… things you’re less likely to find as you bounce from bar to bar on a Friday night.

But let’s talk about the most important – and neglected – part of breaking out of the box.

Don’t Be An Observer in Your Own Life

One of the things we talked about earlier is how following other people’s paths too closely is a mistake. I’m about to give you the exception to this rule. There’s one thing that people who are the most successful have in common… and that the people who struggle the most with building an amazing life lack. It’s almost deceptively obvious, yet elegant in its simplicity: the people who are the most successful are active participants in their own lives. The people who struggle the most… aren’t.

This is the mindset that underpins so much success and failure when it comes to self-improvement. The reason why many, many  people get stuck in ruts and find themselves confined in their boxes is because they take the easy route. They’re passive, more observers than participants, looking for the path of least resistance. Rather than taking an active hand in directing their lives, they wait for opportunities to present themselves. They follow the obvious, well-trod paths because it’s easier and clearer. But it also is the most limited, the most restrictive. They leave themselves so few choices that they end up creating the box around themselves.

The truth is that life isn’t and shouldn’t be a spectator sport. It requires being willing to put your hand on the wheel and your foot on the gas and taking direct control. You want to have an active part in shaping the size, scope and direction of your life instead of allowing life to just happen. This means taking chances, taking risks and doing things that you might not otherwise try, just because it seems like it could be interesting. Sticking to the safe, well-lit paths is part of how you’ve gotten stuck in the first place. If that was going to work for you, you wouldn’t be struggling.

More often than not, the price of success and achieving your goals means being willing to leave the safe and obvious behind and striking out for parts unknown. Is it safe?  No. But as Anthony Bourdain once said: “My body is like a car; there’re so many dents in it by now that one more won’t matter.” Getting those dents and dings, scars, marks and tattoos are the signs that you live your life on purpose. Yes, you bang yourself up on occasion, but that’s the whole point. Bodies aren’t vintage cars; if we’re going through life so afraid of putting even the slightest scratch in the paint, we never live our lives to their full potential.

It’s important to note: there’s a difference between being stuck in your box and not knowing what to do next. Not knowing where to or what to try is nothing to be ashamed of; many times, the most critical part of learning and thinking outside the box is figuring out what questions you need to ask. But accepting that is part of the journey, too. Knowing what you don’t know is the first step. The next step is going out and finding those answers. Sometimes this means asking for help or guidance. Other times, however, it means being willing to say “screw it” and trying things just because it seems like something different.

It doesn’t always work, true… but we learn from our mistakes, not from our successes.

If you find yourself struggling to reach your goals or your journey to self-improvement has stalled out, it’s time to stop and take stock. Are you being a participant in your own life or are you an observer? Have you truly pushed and tested your limits, or have you passively accepted them? Are you sure the things that were true for you in the past are still true now? Is it possible that you were wrong, or that you’ve grown past your previous limits?

Here’s a truth: none of us are placed in the box. We build it around ourselves, through the choices we make and the actions we don’t take. But if we built it, we can tear it down too.

There’s no such thing as a no-win situation. It just means taking some risks, picking up some dents and dings and being willing to change the rules. Especially when those are rules you imposed on yourself.

1. Yes, I deliberately left female and non-binary geeks out; assuming geekdom was the sole province of boys was and still is a part of this outlook. [↩]
2. Yes, I feel dirty after having written that [↩]