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I’m a 31-year old woman, and have been dating a lot but have had little success. I’d say I’m in the very attractive category and have no trouble getting casual dates, but few guys seem serious. (I did see, and really appreciated, your post dedicated to the plight of pretty girls!) My last failed attempt has me really wondering what I’m doing wrong.
After about 4 dates (each time he’d follow up right away to tell me he had fun and wanted to see me soon), I spent a lot of time with this new guy one weekend and he introduced me to all his friends, who were very welcoming. The next weekend, we had a great evening together and went to his place, but I told him I wasn’t ready to have sex. He asked me why, and I told him truthfully that I really liked him, and that I wanted to be sure that we weren’t seeing other people first. I told him I could see myself getting more attached to him if we got really physical and just wanted to know there might be something there. Then I said that I was perfectly willing to talk about it all now if he was too. He said he understood, but didn’t say anything more just cuddled with me. We fell asleep together, then spent the next morning out for brunch and wandering around the local farmer’s market (his ideas). He seemed that day to be truly enjoying my company. But since then, he never called me again.
I accept that he’s no longer interested, and I’m prepared to be realistic and move on from this particular guy. I feel like it’s a good thing that I made my feelings clear — he responded by showing his true intentions were not to have a relationship but to just get laid. But how can this possibly keep happening? It’s pretty hard to think that he did such a 180 for any other reason than that I put my feelings out there. I feel fairly confident that if I had slept with him he would have made sure to see me again. You have said in your posts that sometimes you have to take a leap, but it can’t possibly be true that I have to “leap” and have sex with someone who’s just not quite willing to commit *yet* and then wait for him to decide that he’s willing to admit that he has feelings for me a few months later. Maybe in this case he really is seeing other people, but this scenario keeps repeating itself for me.
I think I must be doing something wrong, but I just refuse to accept that not having sex until he commits to me is the wrong decision. How many times do I have to go through this painful process before a guy (and a guy that I’m into) will be so crazy about me that he just says, okay, whatever you need — time, commitment, you’ve got it! I guess what I’m really asking for is some reassurance that a hot girl can hold out on sex without lowering her chances of finding a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her.
Thanks in advance for helping a girl out,
Colette
Dear Colette,
Guys want sex. Factor in that “great, sexy, confident guys” are more likely to be able to get sex in most circumstances, and, well, if you won’t give it to them, someone else will.
“Can a hot girl hold out on sex”? Yes.
“Can a hot girl hold out on sex and still hope to find a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her?” Yes.
“Can a hot girl hold out on sex without lowering her chances of finding a great, sexy and confident guy who’s really into her?” No. Holding out on sex will inherently lower your chances of finding a guy.
Why? Because guys want sex. Factor in that “great, sexy, confident guys” are more likely to be able to get sex in most circumstances, and, well, if you won’t give it to them, someone else will.
But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
In fact, I want to laud you for waiting for a commitment before sex. If more women did that, there would be a lot less post-coital heartbreak. Alas, there would be a lot more of the pre-coital disappointment you’ve described above.
Choose your poison.
You feel “fairly confident” that he would have called you again after sex. What about all the other women who felt the same way and got burned? Clearly, you’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t.
So what’s a girl to do?…
Well, if you follow my advice — and, by refusing sex before a commitment, you have been — you get to see a man’s true stripes. If he steps up and commits to you, you have an answer. If he bails on you, you have an answer.
The only thing you can do differently is consider HOW you’re refusing to have sex. From your story, it sounded like you approached it in a healthy, adult fashion. But I wasn’t there. You may have felt that you were just speaking your mind and explaining your deep-seated reasons and ethics. Maybe all he heard was, “No. I don’t find you attractive.”
The disconnect between what we mean and what other people hear is at the heart of many relationship issues. Which is why it’s always valuable to step into the shoes of your partner — to attempt to see things through his eyes.
One thing that most women don’t know about men — in fact, one thing that MEN don’t even know about themselves — is that we are like sharks. We always need to be moving forward and making progress. If we’re not, we might as well be dead.
Consider a man who writes to you on Match.com. “You look hot. I want to meet. Here’s my number.”
An inartful come-on line, to say the least. But it’s how you deal with it that determines whether he sticks around for more. If you tell him, “I don’t feel comfortable talking to strangers on the phone. Why don’t you email me more about yourself?” you can pretty much say goodbye. It’s not that your desire to get to know him better was wrong. It’s that you told him “No! Your way is wrong. My way is right. Follow my rules.”
We want to make progress in the bedroom…to know that we’re headed in that direction EVENTUALLY.
A better way to approach this would be to be playful. “You’re right. I am hot. 🙂 But you know that good girls like me don’t call boys like you first. So, before we go any further, why don’t you tell me about the first time you…visited Europe . And don’t leave out any details. Inquiring minds want to know. Talk to you soon, sweetie!”
See the difference? One is terse and negative. The other is playful and encouraging. Playing a little hard to get – while still remaining completely available – raises your value. It makes him want to chase. It makes the process of getting to know you fun. And, most of all, it doesn’t tell him NO. It tells him, LATER. All he has to do is follow your directions and he’ll get what he wants.
Your job is to make your directions fun for him to follow.
Similarly, men want to feel we’re making progress in the bedroom. It’s not that we need to sleep with you on Date 1 or 2 or 3. It’s that we want to know that we’re headed in that direction EVENTUALLY. How you handle us in this delicate arena is a big factor in whether we choose to come back for more.
Put it this way: if I go out with a woman and kiss her on Date 1, that’s great. If I go out with her, and can’t do any more than kiss her on Date 2, I might get a little frustrated. If I go out with her and get stuck in the kissing zone on Date 3, I’m pretty sure that that will be the last date. I know. It sounds awful. But I can’t be the only guy who works this way.
A woman is not wrong for keeping her shirt on. But her refusal to make any sexual progress unintentionally makes a guy feel rejected, and most guys aren’t going to like it. I’m pretty sure it’s why they invented “bases” in high school. We don’t need to go all the way, but getting to second and having a view of third shouldn’t be out of the question. Regardless of whether you agree with me, for most confident, sexy, 35-year-old men, staying on “first” for a month is not a viable option.
So without getting all sordid, Colette, ask yourself how you made your partner feel on this fourth date. Was it all about you? Your morals, your desires, your past heartbreak? Or did you consider that he might like you — and that it’s hard for him stick with a woman who doesn’t make him feel attractive or desired?
I don’t know him. Maybe he was just a run of the mill player.
I don’t know you. Maybe you did all the right things.
But just because a man’s desires run counter to yours doesn’t mean they’re wrong. It means you have to find a way to let him know that, with proper communication, you can BOTH get what you want.
This, by the way, is the key to ALL dating and relating — understanding the opposite sex and finding a path that keeps both man and woman satisfied.
To learn how to get your needs met, while still keeping a man satisfied, check out my audio series, Finding the One Online. In a few hours, you will learn the secret to attracting the best men online and screening them, using my “The 2/2/2” rule, to ensure the highest quality first dates.
In three months, you will view dating and men in an entirely new way. And that’s a good thing!
Click here to learn more.
Much love,
Your friend,
Evan
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