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Estimated reading time: 17 minutes
Hey Doc I saw your column “Finding Strength Through Vulnerability” and honestly it kind of low key irked me.
In my experience with vulnerability (with both men and women) has brought me literally nothing but pain, rejection, humiliation and extreme self hatred. I taught me that the world is crap and people are shit. That I’m an overly sensitive and over emotional especially for a cis man and people will rightfully correct me and put me in place. Some will see me as a personal punching bag, some will see me as their free therapist to dump all their baggage onto and others will see you as a carpet to walk all over. I see some women complaining about men “not opening up” until they do and all the sudden they’re whinny emotionally immature petulant children. But if you’re gonna try please everybody in the end you’ll end up pleasing nobody and will rightfully get spit on.
In response to this hurt, this pain was for me to go to the polar opposite extreme of being cold, distant and even outright rude which admittedly didn’t do anything besides pushing some friends away. Like one of my friends asked me if he was gaining weight I responded with him being a lardass who’s one big mac away from a heart attack and he understandably got upset. I tried defending that comment with “I was being blunt and brutality honest” and surprise surprise that cost me that friendship and didn’t make the hurt go away. If anything it hurt even more.
There reason this extreme all or nothing thinking is because its the best way I could cope with all the pain I endured of my past.
So what do I do Doc? How do I find that healthy middle ground of not being too open and vulnerable and not being a cold and rude? How do I be the right kind of Vulnerable?
Sincerely,
Walking Binary
Part of the problem you’re having is that you’re tripping on some misconceptions. You’ve gotten a few wrong ideas, not just about vulnerability, SB, but also on not fully owning what happened.
Let’s by zeroing in on an assumption you’re making: “There reason this extreme all or nothing thinking is because its the best way I could cope with all the pain I endured of my past.“
Is it? Is it really? Is this something that’s actually helped you, or was this something you did because you were angry and upset and lashing out at other people? Did this actually make your life better or was this a way of deliberately pushing people away so you couldn’t be hurt any more?
One of the things that gets in the way of trying to live a better life or be a better person is that we don’t take an honest look at what we were doing and why. It’s hard to improve when we hold onto the little things that allow us
Let’s take the idea of “I’m just being blunt” or “I pride myself in being brutally honest”. It’s telling that the folks who are “brutally” honest tend to focus on the “brutal” part and not the honesty. You don’t, for example, see people whose brutal honesty is ever complimentary. The brutal honesty is always “yeah you look like you’re a Big Mac away from a heart attack, lardo” and not “I’m really jealous of everything you’ve achieved, you’re doing really well and I wish I had your drive and talent.”
Why? Because it’s not about giving someone the unvarnished truth… it’s about insulting someone and then telling them that they’re not allowed to be mad at you about it. It’s a way of trying to reframe being cruel to somebody as a gift.
Now I start with that because a core part of vulnerability is about honesty. Being vulnerable doesn’t mean that you just vomit your feelings all over somebody, it’s about being your authentic self and not hiding or changing who you are or pretending to be somebody you’re not for the sake of appearing cool. So admitting that you’re worried that you’re afraid of upsetting your friends would be one way of being vulnerable. Being open and unabashed about loving “uncool” things – whether it’s cheesy Eurobeat songs, sappy movies, kid’s shows or whatever – even other folks think it’s lame or dumb, is another way of being vulnerable. It’s a way of living your life authentically, without defensiveness or feeling like you have to justify yourself to others.
But that requires being honest with yourself, too… even if that honesty brings feelings of shame. It’s hard to admit when we do things out of pure emotional self-defense, or because we couldn’t handle or process how we felt about something and thus lashed out at others. It’s hard to admit when we’ve made mistakes or that our choices have led us to places where we’re not happy. It’s easier on the ego to say “I had no choice” or “this was thrust upon me”, to shake our fists at the unfairness that led us here, rather than to accept that we got to this place through a series of our own choices and decisions. We may not have realized that at the time, but that doesn’t change that we did it. Being vulnerable – and thus being authentic – means being willing to lower our self-protective layers and convenient stories and saying “yeah, I did that. It wasn’t a good decision, and now that I know better, I’m going to do things differently.”
If we apply that to your past, then I suspect part of the problem is less that you were vulnerable and more about how you were expressing yourself or how weak your boundaries were at the time. One of the reasons, for example, that women will ask guys to open up, then get upset when they do, is because guys have a very hard time dealing with our emotions. We’re taught, explicitly and implicitly, to bottle things up, keep it all inside and never actually express how we feel. It’s part of the package that comes with these restrictive and constraining ideas about masculinity; openly expressing how we feel would imply that we’re ever not strong and stoic and so we pretend we don’t have those feelings. We isolate ourselves from others, never fully letting others know how we feel, lest it be taken as “weakness”.
But pretending we don’t have those feelings isn’t the same as not having them. We still want connection, we want reassurance, we want openness and intimacy. So when we get permission to actually open up, it gushes out like a busted fire hydrant, a torrent of feelings that’ve been under pressure for a lifetime. And like puncturing a pressurized can, it explodes, messily and all over the place.
So I suspect that part of the problem you had was over-sharing, especially if this came with a side of hoping other folks would deal with it for you. If you’ve been on the other side of this – the folks hoping to use you as free therapy, for example – then you’ve got a good idea of how it feels when you do it to someone else.
Which brings us to the other misconception you have: that it’s a binary. It’s not “vomit your feelings all over the place” or “be closed off and cold or rude to everyone”. There’s a lot of space between those two, and part of vulnerability is learning when it’s appropriate to express yourself, how and how much. It’s one thing, for example, to tell your partner that you’re feeling a little jealous or that you feel like you have needs that are going unmet and asking for some reassurance or a little extra love from them. It’s another to throw every insecurity, anxiety and worry you have at them all at once, especially if the underlying message is “now fix this for me”.
If we look at an example you provided us, your friend coming to you and saying “hey, am I gaining weight”, what he was saying is “I feel like I’m becoming less attractive, could you give me some reassurance?” That was a form of vulnerability, and not an unreasonable ask. All he wanted was a bit of encouragement, a word of kindness from someone he trusted. If he were constantly complaining about feeling like he was gaining weight and requesting reassurance – and not accepting it when it was given – then he’d be doing more of the feelings-vomit that we discussed.
Note very carefully that it’s the constant demand for reassurance that’s the problem; specifically, he’s making his desire for reassurance your problem, because he’s not trying to do anything about it himself.
Now what about being “overly sensitive”? That’s a tricky thing to measure, especially when talking about men, since toxic ideas about masculinity dictate that any sensitivity is too much. If someone’s in constant high dudgeon over every single possible slight or misfortune or can’t function when faced with the slightest inconvenience… well, an argument might be made that they’re oversensitive. Or it could be that they’ve got so much bottled up or feeling so much that they don’t have the bandwidth to handle even a minor annoyance.
But this is where boundaries come in. Part of the issue I think you had is that you need to be willing to say “hey, I can’t deal with this right now,” or “This is unacceptable and I won’t be treated like this.” You can talk things through with your friends when they need some comfort and you can tell them that they should talk to a therapist when it gets to be too much. That, too, is a form of vulnerability; you’re being your authentic self and saying “this is more than I can handle”.
Now to be clear: learning how much is too much and how little is too little is a matter of trial and error. You’re going to make mistakes while you’re trying to calibrate yourself, and that’s ok. It’s when it’s all or nothing – as you’ve seen – that it becomes a problem. But being willing to say “OK, I got this wrong, I’m still learning” is also a form of vulnerability; you’re being your authentic self, and that self is still learning and growing and will make mistakes.
So take the time you need to find the right balance. Vulnerability and authenticity are good, but need to be mixed with tact and appropriateness. When you find that right mix, you’ll find that things get better.
Good luck.
Dear Dr NerdLove
I am a 29 year old male in a 7 month relationship with a 27 year old female. As per attachment theory I’m an anxious preoccupied and my girlfriend is a Fearful Avoidant. My girlfriend is away in another city 7 hours away for a short course that she is in with 7 other batchmates and they have all become fast friends.
I do have high amounts of jealousy and insecurity that stems from my attachment trauma from childhood and am working on it with a therapist. My girlfriend has been going out drinking a lot with these new friends that are both male and female. I’ve been jealous of how she gets to do fun things with them and since I have no social life of my own in the small town I’m in, and I feel she is exceptionally more exuberant with them and doesn’t have that same kind of fun with me although things have been romantic between us so far. I keep constantly comparing her time with friends with the time she has had with me before leaving for this course. Since the anxiety was building up a lot I decided to communicate with her how due to some issues of mine I’ve been feeling jealous and anxious and that it was my personal responsibility to work on these things but nonetheless I feel that way. To which she replied it’s my problem and just to test my limits says the following thing
” Right after you called a platonic friend of mine who I had a crush on 4 or 5 years back was hugging me coz we had argued and was apologetic. And after all of us batchmates got drunk we slept on the same bed. On because we are asleep bodies are in contact and limbs are intertwined and I don’t see them as male and female bodies. In fact hypothetically if one of my male batchmate (1 month of knowing him) decided to kiss my cheek with a brotherly vibe, I don’t mind it at all. I have no problem with this kind of physical intimacy. I know my boundaries mentally and a girl would know if a guy is touching her with a different intention. I’m perfect and I’m happy and for my mental health I need both friends and the relationship I have with you. I’m not going to change for anybody”
My question is despite my deep insecurity and jealousy is the scenario that she mentioned normal? Of platonic opposite sex friends sharing the same bed? ‘Cuz in sleep body parts can go here and there. And despite trying to be non-confrontationally communicative, there seems to be no understanding. I have been in quite a few relationships and this is her first. I like whatever is going with us but I seem to obsessively now thinking about her being in physical contact with her opposite sex friends, cuddling/ spooning her and don’t feel like I can bring this up again without killing her attraction and respect towards me. Going alone to Google these doesn’t help one bit. Am I being irrational? Or is what she mentioned completely normal?
Going Crazy
Well someone call the bellhop because there’s a lot to unpack here.
Let’s start with the immediate question: yes, two people sharing a bed can be completely platonic. No, parts don’t “accidentally” go into other parts when people are asleep, even when snuggled right up against one another. And yes, people can be physically and demonstrably affectionate with their friends; a guy kissing his female friend on the cheek isn’t automatically a sign of sexual or romantic interest, nor is it automatically intended that way.
Now, if the dude is trying to use a “frog-in-a-boiling-pot” approach to getting the person he’s crushing on comfortable with an escalating level of physical affection… well that’s when things get sus. But that isn’t the fault of the person who’s being kissed, and the person on the receiving end is fully capable of saying “hey, knock that off.”
But those are symptoms, not the real issues here. The way I see it, there’re three big problems that need to be dealt with.
The first is your jealousy and envy –– which I don’t think is entirely about your girlfriend sharing a bed with someone. I suspect a big part of it is that you’re feeling isolated and left out. Your girlfriend, who’s hours away, is having an active social life while you’re at home in a small town and feeling lonely. It’s entirely understandable that you’re feeling worried that she’s having these great experiences and growing closer with her friends and that this means that she will also be growing distant from you.
But I think your feeling lonely and bored is the bigger contributing factor. It seems as though she’s your only source of socialization and fun when she’s around, so the idea that she’s having fun with other folks is leaving her with less time for you, and possibly even making the time she spends with you “less special”. If you had more of a social life, with your own and were out doing fun things yourself, you wouldn’t feel quite as uncomfortable that she’s enjoying herself with her friends. Amongst other things, you’d see that the fun she’s having doesn’t take away from the fun she has with you, in part because the fun you would be having with your friends wouldn’t take away from the fun you have with her.
So I think part of the solution here is fairly simple: you want to work on making new friends and having a more active social life. This will be helpful on a number of levels – amongst other things, being the only social outlet for someone can be exhausting. But just having more friends, more adventures of your own and more people you can turn to for emotional intimacy and connection will make you feel better overall and ease that sense of FOMO.
Now to be sure, making friends as an adult isn’t as simple as when you’re in school, but the process itself can be valuable and enriching as well. So, putting yourself out there, finding more things to do and connecting with people and letting those connections build to acquaintances and then to friendships will do wonders for you.
The next thing that I think you need to focus on is communication. The way your girlfriend responded seems… oddly aggressive. Now, if those are her actual words and not a summary and interpretation, then I’m torn between whether she’s that confrontational or if you were a little overly aggressive in how you were telling her how you feel. It’s not a bad thing to say “hey, I’m feeling a bit jealous right now”. It’s what you ask for next that determines whether things become a problem or not. If you framed it as “I need a little reassurance, could you give me a bit more affection or sweetness?” then yeah, her response seems a bit much. However if it was “I want you to stop doing X, because it makes me upset”… well then you’re going to run into problems.
See, your girlfriend – an independent person with her own agency – isn’t going to appreciate being told how to live her life, especially when there’s not really anything untoward happening. Between being told what she is or isn’t allowed to do and the underlying message of “I don’t trust you”, it’s understandable that she’s going to be irked.
Knowing how to communicate your feelings and what to ask for to help – and being able to express why it would make things better – is an important skill to cultivate for the long-term success of your relationship. Saying “You need to change how you relate to your friends because I don’t like it” isn’t good, constructive or helpful. Saying “I miss you and I worry that we’re drifting apart while you’re away, so I could use some reassurance and affirmation please”, on the other hand, is.
But that leads to our third issue: do you trust your girlfriend or not? Yes, you’ve got jealousy and attachment issues, I get that. But there comes a point where either you trust your girlfriend to be monogamous, to tell you the truth and to not do things that would hurt you, or you don’t. And if you don’t… well, that’s a you problem, not a her problem, and that makes it your issue to fix. That includes not constantly going to her for reassurance. It’s one thing to ask for a little help, but if you’re not working on giving yourself that reassurance, then you’re making it her problem to fix.
Now this is another place where having more people in your life would be helpful. Having more friends and loved ones means that you have more people to turn to for support, affirmation and to be talked back from the ledge. You’re better able to spread your need for intimacy and connection around, instead of piling it all onto one or two people. It creates a more stable base for you and keeps you from accidentally dumping all over others, putting too much stress on your relationship with them. Plus, having more people to do things with means you have less time to spend just letting your jerk brain running wild with all kinds of unpleasant or unwelcome fantasies and intrusive thoughts.
But again, you still have to be able to soothe yourself and sort your own feels. You can lean on others, but also have to be your own hero and the person you can rely on to pull yourself out of the spiral.
So do yourself a favor: talk to your therapist about some self-soothing and reassurance, while you work on building a social life. The less alone you feel, the less you’ll worry that you’ll lose your only connection. Having an abundance of people in your life helps ease that desire to cling to your girlfriend like a lovesick lamprey.
Plus, you’ll have a much better life overall. And that’s always a good thing.
Good luck.
A couple more things before I go.
First: I’ll be doing a live Q&A for my Patrons on December 28th, with Q&As open to my general audience coming in the future. If you’re interested in taking part, consider supporting the site by becoming a patron at patreon.com/DrNerdLove; patron questions will get priority in future live streams.
Second: As the we’re coming to the end of the year, I have a couple requests. First, since January is National Break Up Month, I’m putting out a call for questions about ending relationships: when you need to end it, how to end a relationship the right way, when a relationship can be fixed and how to handle break ups – either as the dumper or the dumpee. As always, submit your questions via the submission form, or send them to [email protected] with “National Break Up Month Question” in the header.
Third: Since that’s also a hell of a downer, for February – especially for Valentine’s Day – I want to hear your Relationship Wins. Tell me about ways you and your sweetie turned things around, what you’ve learned about making things work, how you two solved problems together or otherwise made each other’s lives better. Let’s share some happiness and spread hope, especially in a month when a lot of folks may feel at their lowest. Who knows, maybe you’ll see your story featured here.
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