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I read your book “Why He Disappeared” and really enjoyed it. Thanks for all the great advice. Even after reading the book though, a man I recently dated disappeared. I was surprised because he even followed up with me after our last date to tell me what a great time he had. We were mutual friends before we started dating, and so we were already connected via Facebook, Twitter etc. While dating I would occasionally “like” his posts on social media, or maybe send him a funny article that I saw. I know that in your book you recommend against initiating contact during the dating phase of a relationship but because the things he posted are public, and it’s not as though I was texting him to set up a date, I assumed this form of contact would not take the fun of “the chase” away from him. Since he has stopped contacting me though, I’m not so sure that I was correct in my assumption. Can you offer me tips on how I should be treating the people I date on social media? It seems pretty silly not to “like” a public post out of fear of coming across too strongly. Thanks again!
Jill
One of the trickiest things about publishing anything is that the second you’re done with it, you realize it needs further revision. It never occurred to me that one of the main concepts in Why He Disappeared, called “mirroring” would be as nuanced as it’s turned out to be. But evidently it is. Which is why your question is a perfect opportunity for me to explain how to make mirroring work best for you.
For the uninitiated, mirroring is designed for one purpose — to prevent women from chasing down men who are not interested in them. It is not a game. It is not a throwback to the 1950’s. It requires no thought and very little effort. Mirroring presumes one basic thing about that guy you like: if he’s interested in you, he’ll let you know.
So…
If he texts you, text him back right away.
If he calls you, call him back right away.
If he says he wants to see you this weekend and you’re free, say yes.
If he says he wants to be your boyfriend and you feel the same, say yes.
Mirroring is reactive, not proactive.
Mirroring presumes one basic thing about that guy you like: if he’s interested in you, he’ll let you know.
It gives men the space they need to choose you, prevents you from looking needy and desperate, and reveals what men are thinking — all without doing ANYTHING.
Mirroring is based on confidence, not insecurity. You should never have to chase a guy down and remind him that you’re alive and available and want to see him. All you have to do is be warm, enthusiastic and available when he reaches out to you.
The primary exception to mirroring comes in the form of beta/feminine men. Beta/feminine men are often some of the best husbands out there, but they conduct themselves in a passive way, leaving women wondering how they feel. In short, these nice guys are so insecure about pursuing you and making a move that they often wait for YOU to express interest in them. “You can call me, you know,” might be their mantra. Which is fine. However, this puts you in your “masculine energy,” and forces you to be the one to reach out to him to gauge his interest and availability.
As a dating coach for women, I don’t like that model. Nor do most of my clients. They may be proactive superstars in real life, but they tend to prefer being courted by men.
Which brings us back to the beginning. When a man is interested in you, you don’t have to do anything except say yes. You never have to reach out to him because he will do it for you. It’s in his best interest — whether he wants to get laid or whether he wants to be your boyfriend. You have to trust that.
Bringing this back to you, Jill, I wouldn’t worry too much that you scared off an otherwise interested guy by liking his Facebook posts. I would say that, in general, I would avoid initiating ANYTHING with a man until he’s your full-fledged boyfriend. Let him do the chasing. Let him wonder when you’ll call him back. Let him worry about whether he’s good enough to be your boyfriend.
Do nothing, Jill, and watch the men who really want you step up to the plate.
The second you start texting him, sending him photos, and following his every move thru social media, you’ve signaled one thing to him: “You’ve already won.” You don’t have to reach out to me. You don’t have to wonder what I’m thinking. You don’t have to do anything. Because I’m pursuing you. Because I like you. Because I want you to be mine.
Suddenly, there’s no mystery, no dance, no wonder — just a girl chasing a boy through the schoolyard to get his attention and wondering why he’s not chasing her instead.
Do nothing, Jill, and watch the men who really want you step up to the plate.
If you like this post, share it with your friends who need it. You know who they are. Women who aren’t sure why he hasn’t texted back, or whether he’s going to call this weekend, or whether he wants to be exclusive.
If you don’t know where a guy stands with you, try doing nothing. If you never hear from him again, chances are, he wasn’t that interested to begin with.
Finally, click here to learn Why He Disappeared — and, more importantly, how to make the good ones want to stick around forever.
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