Can You Take Back “I Love You’s”?

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

First time, long time, etc. I had a question that I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cover before so I guess I get to be the first, LOL.

I (22/m) made a mistake with my first serious (22/f) relationship and I don’t know what to do about it. Backstory is that I’ve never had a “real” real relationship before. I’ve dated in high school, kinda, but nothing that I ever thought might go the distance. In college, I had a couple casual relationships I guess (they ended before we ever had any sort of DTR conversation) but then I met my girlfriend (22/f) who I’ll call Amanda. Amanda has been the first time I’ve ever really thought I could see something actually long-term. We just get each other, she’s patient with my inexperience (so many stupid little mistakes) and generally makes me want to be a better man.

Except I think I screwed up. So the other night we were at a party and I had a few beers and I was feeling pretty good. That’s not the problem. The problem is that we get home and are snuggling on the couch and Amanda looks over and says “I love you.” I’m still buzzed and I say “I love you too”.

Problem is, I don’t know if I do? This is the first time anyone’s ever said the l-word to me and I was still kind of drunk and didn’t know what to say so I kind of panicked and just said it back? I mean what do you say if you don’t feel it? “Um, thanks?” And it’s not that I don’t like Amanda or don’t want to keep dating her or anything I just don’t want to throw “love” around if I don’t feel it and I don’t think I do. I can’t even say if it’s a “I don’t feel it yet” kind of thing because like, I don’t know what’s gonna happen to us and I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep. But now I think I’ve given her the wrong  idea because it meant a lot to her and she’s really excited and I feel awful about not really feeling it so I don’t know what to say. But I also feel like a liar if I *don’t* say anything.

So, I guess, help me figure out how to take an “I love you back” without getting dumped? Or something?

Need A Rewind Feature

You know NARF, this just makes me think of an old Seinfeld episode, where George, in the heat of passion with his secretary, cries out that she’s getting a raise. Except problem is, George can’t actually give her a raise, so now he’s got to figure out how he can take that back without her quitting. Or refusing to sleep with him anymore.

So apparently there’s nothing new under the sun, Seinfeld predicted everything The Simpsons didn’t and also oh god that’s a 30 year old episode and now I shall crumble into dust and blow away.

Anyway. So let’s be clear here: your screw up, such as it is, is understandable. This is very much the sort of “open-mouth, insert-foot” experience that lots of folks have when they’re young. Doubly so when alcohol’s involved. As I’ve said before: alcohol isn’t truth serum so much as impulse-control-removal, and so it’s incredibly easy to end up saying things you didn’t actually mean. Sometimes those things are insults or cutting remarks. Other times it’s agreeing to things or with  things that you don’t realize you’re agreeing to. Or, as you found out, having a minor panic attack and saying the first thing that came to mind because you couldn’t think of anything else and the specter of letting that “I love you” just hang would almost be worse.

It’s also fairly minor a screw up in the realm of such things. Yeah, it’s not great and walking it back is gonna require some fancy steppin’, but it’s not the worst thing ever. So don’t beat yourself up over this. It’s the sort of  thing that happens when you don’t have a lot of relationship experience and you’re still new at the whole “navigating a serious relationship” thing. So don’t beat yourself up about it.

Now, let’s be up front: it’s not easy to take an “I love you” back. Nobody likes to hear “Ok, you know that thing I said before that was really significant? Yeaaah, about that…” because that tends to be a prelude to worse revelations. Unless you’ve managed to stumble into a sitcom scenario where she didn’t mean to say it either and she’s quietly dying inside to take it back too, you’re gonna have to come clean. And doing so is gonna sting.

(Also, I hope – really hope – that this was recent. Like, a couple days ago recent. Because the longer you let this go on, the worse the walk-back’s gonna be.)

How much it’s going to hurt – in as much as you can control for such things – is going to depend entirely on how you handle this and how you phrase things. So we’re going to focus on meaning more than message. This is the sort of thing where you want to be sure that you’re getting the right message across – it’s not that you don’t care for her or don’t see a future with her, it’s just you said something on automatic. So you want to make sure she understands this. You also want her to realize that you’re not trying to walk your relationship back either. You want to be very clear about this, because this is going to cause some heightened emotional reactions and people don’t do their best listening when their dander’s up.

So first thing you want to do is set aside some time to talk with Amanda. And if you want this to go well, do not say “hey, we need to talk” or anything in the same zip code as that. This will only put her on the defensive. You want to say something along the lines of “hey, I wanted to talk about what I said the other night” – assuming that this wasn’t too long ago. If it was a while (and for ease of everything, we’ll assume that “a while” means “more than three weeks”), then  you phrase it along the lines of “I want to check in with you about us and how we’re doing. Not anything bad at all, I just want to make sure everything’s working for you,too ” Granted, none of these necessarily augur great things, but they at least give an idea of what you want to talk about.  You may want to frame it in such a way that you’re asking for her help or input, giving her a greater sense of control

Next step: emphasize that you’re happy with the relationship and with her (assuming you are). Literally say, right off the bat “I couldn’t be happier with what we have” or “Our relationship is amazing and I’m thrilled with you.” Bring up specific things about the relationship that make you happy and why. Preferably things that aren’t physical about her.

This is important. The issue isn’t that you’re unhappy or that there’s a problem; you’re just correcting the record, so to speak. So you want to set that expectation early, otherwise you run the risk of coming off as “not only do I not love you but this has made me rethink our entire relationship.”

Following that, you say “The other night, I think I jumped the gun a little. When you said that you loved me, I was surprised/stunned/happy and and I responded on autopilot. You make me incredibly happy and everything we have is incredible. It’s the first time I’ve really been with someone who’s made me feel this way. But I think I was a premature with saying ‘I love you’ back and I wanted to clear that up with you. I really like for you and you’re really important to me, but I’ve never really been in love before and I don’t want to say it unless I’m absolutely sure and absolutely mean it, because you deserve that certainty. And I want to be clear: I’m just saying I don’t think I’m there, yet. I know it’s not a fun thing to hear, but I care too much and respect you too much to not tell you the truth. Not about something this important.”

And then you give her room to react. Like I said: it’s gonna sting. Hearing that your boyfriend doesn’t love you, after he said he did, is always gonna sting, no matter how hard you frame it. Even when the “yet” is emphasized. She may have questions; answer them as honestly as possible. You were caught off guard and you responded on instinct. You hadn’t said anything until now because you wanted to figure out what to say so she didn’t get the wrong message or think you were breaking up with her. You’re telling her because she deserves honesty and integrity from you and it wouldn’t be fair to let something that significant be left as a misunderstanding. No, you don’t know how long it’ll take for you to know for sure because hey, first time for you and you don’t want to throw the word around casually. Yes you still want her, you still want to be her boyfriend, keep everything going, and no nothing is at all wrong with her or with the relationship. It’s just about you wanting to be certain because, again, she deserves that.

A thing that may help: talk about what an “I love you” means to both of you and what you think you’ll need to be sure. This way, if and when you do feel ready to say it, it would come across as your saying it so that she can quit waiting in antici…

…

…

…pation.

Or taking it with suspicion. That part’s important too.

She may need time to process this. Let her have it; tell her you’re willing to listen if she needs it and you’ll give her space if she needs that. If you’re ok with her saying it, even if you can’t yet, let her know. And hey, maybe ask what she’d like to hear back instead; at least this way you won’t have to leave it lingering in the air like a fart in church.

But until then, be careful with how much you drink so your mouth doesn’t end up getting three steps ahead of your brain.

Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

This may be complicated.

I have known Someone for about five years now and have always really enjoyed their company. Over the past 3ish months, Someone and I have gotten quite a bit closer, having more in-depth conversations, sharing more of our attention and time with each other. Though they live about 5 hours away from me, we’re both quite comfortable on the internet and use it daily for our jobs. Someone has been dating their current partner for… damn, 13 years? 14 years? They’ve been dating, living together, and sharing a life for their entire adult lives, nearly.

My birthday came around and, as always, I threw a party! Small gathering, only my closest friends, really great food and music, quiet, reserved. And Someone actually decided to fly out… but asked their partner to stay home. Someone stayed with ME for several days, before and after the party, and it was marvelous. Truly marvelous. We clicked and shared great chemistry, we had so many common interests and talking was effortless for us both. They got a little physical with me, but only touching and sharing a bed to sleep in. It’s important to me to be absolutely clear we did NOT kiss, hold hands, have sex, or share any intimacy beyond lounging together and watching movies and a very long hug before they left.

Now it’s my turn to visit them. When I asked what their partner would be up to, they told me “They’ll be out of town.” Then it evolved to Someone wanting to get a hotel instead of staying with their roommates at their house – to the tune of several hundred dollars…

Someone is a very sexual person and I am certainly not. Someone also wants desperately to be in an open relationship with their 13-year partner, and they steadfastly refuse.

So we’ve reached the point where I feel I need to come out and say – I have no interest in helping them cheat on their partner. We’ve had the conversations, Someone believes it’s time for them to find a new job, move out of the shared house with their partner, and move on geographically, mentally, emotionally, and with different relationships – that after 13 years, they don’t feel the kinship they deserve. And all of Someone’s friends agree – they should have left years ago.

But I still feel unwell about the prospect of helping someone cheat. I don’t want to be a fling that grows cold in a few months or be the spark that starts a fire between two people. I don’t want to be a cause for malcontent.

I can’t help how I feel, and Someone can’t help how they feel, but I can certainly NOT help them be promiscuous with me and hurt their partner. So… how do I say that? How should I convey that I do not want to be physical despite our feelings? Am I already helping them be unfaithful because I’m letting them share such deep emotions with me while still, technically, in a monogamous relationship?

It’s All So Murky

It’s not that murky, IASM, not really. It’s actually fairly straightforward. Or rather, it would be if you and Someone were dealing with the same issues and you are emphatically not. In fact, that’s the entire problem; you and they are coming at this from radically different directions; not so much as “parallel vs. perpendicular” as “a car and a freight train on course for a head-on collision”. And unfortunately, Someone’s the freight train in this equation.

Here’s the big disconnect. Someone clearly wants out of their marriage and they are at a point where they’re not particularly subtle about it. Nor, for that matter, do they seem concerned about the manner in which they do so or the fallout that would result from it. While I don’t doubt that you and Someone have a connection or that the two of you really got closer while they were visiting you, I’d be worried that Someone is seeing you as a potential Relationship Self-Destruct Button rather than a potential partner.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m sure they legitimately care, but this has all the hallmarks of someone feeling something, anything, and being willing to round that up to… love, lust, whatever, so that they can finally have a justification to leave a relationship that they clearly want out of. This isn’t all that uncommon. Some folks have a hard time leaving a relationship if they don’t feel as though they have a crashpad waiting for them as soon as they eject. Others have a difficult time accepting that a relationship can be over because they want it to be over; they feel like they need a cause or a reason to end it. Still others worry that if they don’t burn every bridge behind them, they may not be able to leave or would just come back. Cheating – or “falling for” someone – is as good a way to meet any or all of those parameters as one is wont to find. God knows that it would make it very, very difficult for any but the most ardent partner want to try to make things work.

Now, why Someone feels like they can’t just break up with their partner is ultimately their business. The problem is that they’re making it your business too and that’s not fair.

Which is where your end of things comes in. You aren’t a sexual person. You don’t say if this is because you’re asexual, demisexual or just have a low libido or what, but that alone is a big reason why what Someone is doing is Not Cool. They’re trying very hard to pull you into their drama, and using your feelings as the lever to make it happen. The fact that they’re making it increasingly blatant that they want to cheat and to cheat with you is bad in general, but the fact that you care about them makes it worse. They may not be doing it consciously, but it is a form of manipulation. It’s not very good or effective manipulation. But it’s still manipulation. And that ain’t cool.

Just as importantly though, it’s not cool to put you in a position where you’re an accessory to their crime. Some folks may be ok with being the piece on the side for their own reasons, but you aren’t. And even if you were, it sounds like you’re not ok with being the hammer that Someone is using to smack their partner in the junk. Because I can’t emphasize this enough: that’s also not cool of them. And it’s good of you that you’re not only aware of this, but that you’re willing to draw boundaries and say “um… no.”

To be clear: I don’t think Someone is thinking “oh, I know, I’ll use IASM as my catspaw to get what I want” and then laughing while twirling a glorious villain mustache. I think they’re taking your relationship and the way it intensified recently as an opportunity to get what they’re ultimately after: a get-out-of-relationship-no-backsies card. I suspect that they’re sincere in how they think they feel, but I don’t think they’re aware that all of this seems to be an affair of mutual inconvenience, not True Love blooming in the shadow of a crumbling relationship. That’s not fair, that’s not kind and that’s not a good way to end things, no matter how badly they want out. Especially since it seems that their partners’ sins are “we’re no longer a good match for each other” rather than them being The Bad One.

So what do you tell Someone? Well, honestly, you tell them what you told me. First, that you’re not a sexual person (if you’re asexual, I suggest saying that) and that your feelings don’t have a sexual or physical aspect to them. Secondly, however, as much as you care for Someone, you’re also not interested in being the reason for or the cause of their relationship ending and you won’t be dragged into their drama. In fact, I would suggest that – assuming you want some sort of relationship with Someone going forward – that Someone needs to quit farting around and be the one to pull the trigger on the break-up they so clearly want instead of hoping that someone else will do it for them. They need to put on their grown-up pants and end things with their partner, quickly, cleanly and directly, rather than trying to engineer a confrontation. Unless and until they do, they need to dial things back with you because none of it is fair to you. And if they care and respect you as much as they imply… well, then they shouldn’t treat you like an accessory in all of this.

Draw some lines in the sand, IASM and make it clear that you won’t cross ’em for love nor money nor Pappy Van Winkle. Sex isn’t in the cards, period, and Someone needs to muscle up and deal with their relationship issues first, because they’re making it everyone’s problem. Until then? They need to step back and not expect you to take a guest-starring role in their drama, just because the two of you are close and getting closer. That’s not what friends do, that’s not what lovers do and it’s certainly not something that one does to people one respects.

Good luck.