Did I Cheat on My Boyfriend or Was I Sexually Assaulted?

Estimated reading time: 12 minutes

Doctor’s Note: Today’s column involves the discussion of sexual assault and description of various acts. Reader discretion is advised.

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I am reaching out because I am having trouble comprehending whether I was assaulted, or if am a cheater. After visiting a bar and having a few drinks on an empty stomach, I decided to get a ride from my friend. When he was taking me home, mid-way before getting to my house. He asked if I would be down to go to the hot tub (it’s a public place we sneak into) obviously since I was already buzzed. I said yes enthusiastically. I was supposed to Facetime my long distance boyfriend that night too but I completely ignored that and still went out. Didn’t give him a heads up because then he would get mad.

He (my friend) then asked if I wanted more drinks and I said yes. I felt comfortable drinking around him b/c he’s a trusted friend and knows I’m in a relationship. Then we get to the hot tub and drink more. At this point, I am already out of it. So he asked let’s go skinny dipping. I said why not. Which I did, I just covered myself with my hands and jumped in. He then tries to make a move and I quickly push him off and say “woah” and he goes “ oh” and moves back right next to me in the hot tub. I told him “no, please go all the way to the other side of the hub tub pls and stay there” He then apologizes and says sorry I didn’t know u felt that way. I then said it’s okay just don’t do that again.

We drank some more, I don’t remember exactly what he said after but he came back next to me in the hot tub again. At this point, I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t paying attention. He then told me “are u thinking what I’m thinking?” I told him no. Then he confessed he liked me and I told him “I don’t like u.” Meanwhile when I said that he went in for a kiss but I didn’t notice it until the morning of. He never touched my lips as I was talking. I told him to stop because I care about my boyfriend and he then said “Fuck him. You’re going to break up with him anyways” and I later said stop I care about my friend (this was his ex) and he said fuck her, she’s already fucking other dudes. He kept grabbing me and tucking at me until he got me on his lap, where he penetrated me and I just sat there smiling and looking away. I said stop again and he finally did and said fine you want to go to the house then. He never said MY house so I said yes! Thinking I’m going home. I was so happy, I was smiling. Happy it was over.

I don’t remember walking to his car or the car drive there, I was just saying why would you do that, pls don’t tell anyone. He told me “I won’t say anything, I’m not trying to ruin your life.” Finally the car stopped and I got out so fast, and was looking down watching my steps. Until I heard the car door behind me and him following me. I looked up and noticed it wasn’t my house. I told him “This is isn’t my house”. He goes no it’s okay come in, no one’s home. (He was also drunk so I don’t know if he heard me.) I told him no someone’s going to see, is my friend here( he lives with roommates). Like I knew what was going to happen but at that point, I felt like an out of experience.

I didn’t feel like, I went in the house. I remember feeling stuck and wanting to run upstairs to my friends room. Instead I followed, I did what he said. I took off my clothes and laid down. I told myself if I don’t touch him or kiss him, it’s not like it happened. So I just laid there, I felt really out of it. I then remember passing out and waking up, looking at my bare naked body and seeing him. I said my boyfriend’s name and no response. I told him to stop 3x which he didn’t. I kicked him off of me and he kept back trying again. I rolled my body over and cried. I had a whole panic attack in that room. He told me I wanted it, I’m just crying because I regret it. Manipulated me while drunk and I believed it. He finally drove me back to my house because I was hysterically crying.

This is the part where it gets weird. I remember going numb and saying a whole bunch of weird things. He still kept saying it’s okay making me think it’s okay. I asked him if he wanted to finish (I don’t know if it was about the talking or the other part) he said yes and pulled over really fast in front of someone’s driveway. I told him why in someone’s driveway so he moved. He then told me to get in the backseat. I said no ( I felt stuck) and I told him I’m staying here.

I don’t remember him getting on top of me but he was at this point. Apparently I took my shorts off and laid there, I remembering feeling numb but feeling so far away from home even though I was there. I snapped out of once he penetrated me and started hurting me. I told him to stop again and he didn’t until I pushed him with my hands. He took me home and I acted like I was okay. I woke up in the morning wishing it was a dream until I woke up and saw a Snapchat from him saying he had fun. I didn’t cry, I texted back telling him please don’t tell anyone. I then went in the shower and started crying my eyes out when I was looking at myself naked. It was so gross the idea that I let him.

I then messaged him later that night and told him he took advantage of me, and asked why he didn’t listen to my no’s. Anyways I confessed to my boyfriend everything and he told me it was consensual and told me I was a disgusting human being. He told me it’s all my fault. I cried even more after that.

Is this my fault? I don’t know how to feel.

Devastated

Before we get to anything else, let me cut straight to the heart of the matter: yes, this was unquestionably sexual assault. No, you’re not a cheater. Your boyfriend is being incredibly shitty. Your “friend” raped you. You didn’t consent to anything that happened, and, in point of fact, you couldn’t consent to it. You were legally and effectively incapable of giving consent at this point and were, in fact, telling him to stop, repeatedly.   

You were raped. Your only “fault” here (for suitably low definitions of “fault”) is that you trusted someone who ultimately proved untrustworthy. That’s on him, not on you. He’s the one who took advantage of your friendship, encouraged you to get even drunker and, importantly, made the decision to assault you.  That is not your fault.  You didn’t do this, you didn’t “deserve” this and you didn’t “allow” this to happen. 

Now, there’s a lot that happened over the course of your experience that has left you very understandably confused and reeling. I want to explain a little of what happened and why you responded the way that you did. The experiences you had are normal and very common reactions to finding yourself in a situation like this. I want you to understand your responses and what they meant, because right now you’re feeling a lot of guilt and confusion and you have nothing to feel guilty about. 

First and foremost: you were drinking on an empty stomach, which means the booze is going to hit faster than it would if you had food with it (to slow the absorption) or drank water (which would dilute the alcohol before you processed it through your system). One thing about drinking, especially on an empty stomach, is that it takes time to process the alcohol. The physical sensations of intoxication can be subtle, especially if you had a couple drinks in rapid succession, and will stack over time. This means that you may not feel noticeably intoxicated at first, but you’re likely much drunker than you realize. The fact that you were feeling buzzed after several drinks wasn’t an indicator of how drunk you actually were in that moment; it was just the first of the sensations that you recognized as intoxication.

Second, getting in the hot tub while drunk had a multiplying effect on the alcohol. The heat of the water in the hot tub dilates your blood vessels, which means that any alcohol that you may have been drinking will reach your bloodstream at a much faster rate. Similarly, the temperature of the water and the intoxicating effects of booze means you’re more likely to be drowsy, dehydrated and otherwise leaving you more impaired than you realized. All of this was going to have an intensifying effect on the alcohol in your system and make you feel even more disoriented than you would have if you hadn’t gotten in.

Under the best of circumstances, you weren’t going to have full be operating in top form. You were already intoxicated and had more to drink under circumstances that would increase the rate that further alcohol would affect you. But this was hardly the best of circumstances; you had someone who was determined to take advantage of your impaired state and he did.

Which leads us to the way you behaved once it became clear that your “friend” was trying to take advantage of you. Again, I want to emphasize: these are normal and well-documented reactions to dangerous situations, including sexual assault and rape, not proof that you weren’t bothered by what happened or that it was ok. These are psychological behaviors that happen to everyone in dangerous situations and frequently require training to avoid.

I’m sure you’ve heard of the “fight or flight” response. Well, that’s actually something of a misnomer; it’s more accurately known as “Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn”. You were having what’s known as the “fawn” response – that is, you found yourself going along, trying to de-escalate the situation and generally doing the best you could to get out of the situation with as little harm as possible. This was your brain trying to keep you safe by not angering or upsetting the person who had you at his mercy. By smiling, not making more of a fuss or otherwise just not fighting, you were trying to avoid provoking him and turning this into something much more violent or potentially even fatal for you.

Again, I can’t emphasize this enough: this was you trying to protect yourself. Your unconscious was trying to keep you alive and doing what was necessary to do so. The goal was to make sure you survived and stayed intact; the way it made you feel was something to deal with after you survived. Our brains are designed to prioritize survival, not happiness.

Similarly, the way you describe acting during the act at his house and after all are very common responses and behaviors that other rape victims have described. The smiling, the asking for reassurance, the not moving or fighting, making seeming token protests… these are all part of self-preservation in the face of an incredibly volatile and dangerous situation. The out-of-body sensation and foggy memory aren’t just because of the booze; they’re part of what’s known as “disassociation”.  Again, this is an attempt by your brain to protect you from what’s happening and keep you calm and avoiding panic. Panic kills in a crisis; staying calm makes survival possible.

Notice very carefully how you were acting changed as soon as you were away from him. That wasn’t because you suddenly changed your mind about what happened, that was because you were finally safe. You were now in a place where you weren’t in immediate danger and could react much more appropriately to the circumstances. Yes, you were still disoriented – that’s entirely understandable considering both the intoxication and the assault – but your change in behavior was due to having gotten away.  You succeeded in your primary goal: you survived and you were safe again. It was only then that you could start to process everything that happened. You quite literally didn’t have the available bandwidth to do so in the moment; everything that wasn’t critical to survival and getting through that were going to be turned down so that you could make it out. 

What’s pernicious about all of this is that people who don’t understand how sexual assault survivors behave in the moment and afterwards will take these behaviors as “proof” that it “wasn’t so bad” or “you were ultimately OK with it”, rather than a natural survival instinct that’s part of the “Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn” response. You know. Like your boyfriend is doing. He’s being unquestionably shitty to you about what is ultimately a horrific experience that you survived and pinning the blame on you because hey, there was booze and sex and now you’re saying it’s not your fault but that can’t be true because reasons. So, frankly, fuck him.

If he comes around, accepts what happened and realizes how abominable he’s acting to you, then he’s going to need to do some very fucking serious apologizing just to start.

But honestly, he’s not important in all of this, and that’s not what you need to focus on right now. This is: this was not your fault. You were raped by someone you trusted. This was NOT your fault. I want you to repeat that every time you think about this: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. This was something that was done TO you. You didn’t consent, you couldn’t consent, and what was done was a crime.

This was NOT. Your. Fault.

If you haven’t talked to a rape counselor already, I would strongly recommend that you call the National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1-800-656-4673 –  or you can visit them at RAINN.org and use their online chat if that would be easier for you. Whichever way you choose, there are trained advocates available 24/7 who will talk you through what happened, assist you in getting local resources for your own health and safety, talk you through your options and otherwise help you deal with all of this.

Again, THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. I literally can’t repeat this enough. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.  This was something that was done *to* you. THIS. WAS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT.

Call the hotline and talk to a counselor. They’ll help you figure out your next steps, help connect you with resources for recovery and give you the information you need to decide what you will do next and how you can work on moving towards recovery. This was a horrific experience and I’m so, so sorry you went through it. But you survived. You may have metaphorical scars after this,  but scars are the sign of a survivor. They’re a mark of strength, and you are strong.

You’re going to be OK. I promise.

All will be well.