Did I Get Dumped Because of My Kink?

Dear Doc, I need your help with something. I don’t know if I screwed up or not.

I (24/m/cis) am (or I guess was) dating my girlfriend (23/f/cis) for about six months. Up until two weeks ago, this was the best relationship of my life. We were deep in that whole “honeymoon period” thing you talk about and it seemed like we were just perfect for each other in every way possible. The pando surge meant we had a couple months where we couldn’t see each other but we tried to keep things going over Skype and Facetime. Naturally, this meant we were doing a lot of sexting and stuff and talking about fantasies and stuff. We’re making plans to get together for when things got better and we felt safe seeing each other again and part of that was making plans to… well, get freaky.

Like, actually freaky. My girlfriend  was dropping hints about how kinky she was and how much she wanted to try some stuff she’d been reading about and all. Me, I’m decidedly kinky so I’m all in, I’m ready to go, I wanna try. She won’t tell me over Skype tho, she wants to wait until we’re together to tell me what it is. ok sure whatever I’m cool with this.

Well, we get together and she tells me that she’s really into spanking. Like it’s a big deep dark secret and stuff. She wants me to spank her, maybe pull her hair, push her around… I guess she read 50 shades or something I dunno it’s not high on the kink scale to me but I’m down because reasons I’ll get to.

So we’ve got a room, we’re all over each other, it’s great, we get complaints about the noise. And then it all goes bad on me.

After we’re done and we’re laying there and I’m trying to do the whole cool-down/comfort/aftercare thing and she asks me about my kinks.

Doc, I’m kinky too, but I’m a punk looking guy who’s really a service sub and I like things like femdom, forced femme/sissification, forced cross-dressing, and just generally being bossed around and I guess that surprises peoplef. I think I might have a thing for feet too because I get turned on giving foot massages but that may be the service sub thing too I dunno. So like an idiot, I tell her and she blows UP at me. When we were first getting together I was doing things like giving her foot rubs or scalp massages and washing her hair and these are all things I LOVE doing especially when folks demand it from me. But I guess the fact that it turned me on WHILE I do it is bad or something? I don’t really know what the hell happened, all I know is that she’s yelling at me about my dragging her into my kink when I was rubbing her feet and that wasn’t consensual or something. I’m trying to figure out what the big deal is, but every time I either try to explain or ask what she’s talking about she just gets madder and starts going on about how I’m probably not even straight or I think I’m a girl and stealing underwear and she can’t believe this and just leaves.

She’s blocked me on everything so I can’t even apologize but I don’t even know what i’m supposed to apologize for, I guess really enjoying giving other people foot massages when asked or something? I didn’t expect any of that and the way she went off about my being gay and stuff REALLY confused me because what the hell is THAT about?

Anyway Doc i guess I’ll ask what I didn’t want to ask Reddit: am I the asshole here? Did I get dumped because of my kink?

Help?

Sid Vicious In A Dress

OK so this is going to be a long and complicated one, full of seemingly contradictory points and a lot of knee-jerk reactions all across the board because it involves the conflict between one’s right to privacy and one’s right to make informed decisions… especially when sex is involved. So, needless to say, people will probably have very strong feelings one way or another about this. It’s going to be important for people to really take a moment to sit and think about their immediate feelings and reactions.

Now with that having been said, this is one of those times that I’m reminded of the F. Scott Fitzgerald quote, SVIAD: “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” This is a case where I think two seemingly contradictory things can be true at the same time: she’s wrong for blowing up at you like this and this wasn’t entirely cool of you either.

Let me explain: in my strictly personal opinion, I don’t think that the fact that you get a naughty thrill from servicing your partner – giving somebody a foot rub or a scalp massage or whatever – is that big of a deal, when looked at in a vacuum. In and of itself  – if you’re not getting weird about it, pushing people to let you give them foot rubs or whatnot, you’re not going off bragging about how you scam people into letting you do this – it strikes me as fairly harmless, in part because nobody gets access to the inside of your head without your permission.

One of the parts of the human experience is that we’re all weird perverts and we all have seemingly innocuous things that we really dig or get into. Sometimes those things are obvious and require active participation from others. Sometimes those things are entirely in our own heads and don’t really affect other people. There’re folks whose kinks involves chips, dips, chains and whips and St. Andrew’s crosses. There’re also folks who really get a charge from being tickled or who get off on things that we would normally not consider sexual, like foot worship or balloon popping. And then there’re folks who get turned on by women smoking or women wearing stockings and who dig that they can see the things that turn them on just by going about their day.

Part of living in a society means that we interact with folks all the time…  but the fact that we’re not mind readers means that we don’t actually know everything that goes on inside people’s heads. This, I think we can all agree, is a good thing; as the joke goes, “I used to think I wanted to be able to read minds and see what people really think and then Facebook taught me I was wrong.” A lot of the time, you honestly don’t know – and don’t want to know – what the folks around you are thinking, and quite frankly, whatever goes on in the privacy of their own minds is their business.

It’s very much a case of “If a tree drops its nut in the forest and nobody’s there to see, does mean a damn thing?”

(I’m not always great at metaphors.)

A lot of our ability to operate as a society relies on that ignorance and to pretend that what we see on the surface is what we get. Part of the joy of going to the Disney theme parks, for example, is the friendliness and happiness of the cast members. The fantasy being marketed to us is that this is The Happiest Place on Earth and look at how cheery and smiling everyone is.  However, this fantasy requires us to ignore that we know this isn’t 100% genuine, it’s company policy and it’s enforced pretty vigorously. We wouldn’t be happier to know that the person doing the patter on Jungle Cruise is really just thinking about how much he or she dislikes tourists. We don’t want to think about how the people who’re sell us our over-priced snacks are wishing we’d hurry the hell up and get out or that they’re having an awful day and just want to smoke a bowl and play Apex Legends instead of having to shill churros and popcorn. So we don’t think about it. We allow ourselves to believe the experience is exactly what it appears to be on the surface, because knowing 100% of what’s going on in their heads would get in the way of the illusion,s and for no real purpose. The churros don’t taste different based on how genuinely happy the person selling them is, nor is the patter any more or less funny depending on if the person crewing the boat believes this is their dream job or not. But having that knowledge might change the experience for us… and to an extent, we know that. So part of the tacit agreement to going to Disney World is the agreement that we’re going to accept all of this corporate-mandated cheer on face value.

The same is true when it comes to getting coffee at Starbucks, buying clothes at the mall or going grocery shopping; we don’t know what the barrista, store clerks or cashiers are thinking – about us, our choices in drinks, our taste in clothes, whatever –  and we’re generally happier that way. Would knowing that your waiter at the restaurant where you’re having dinner thinks you’re basic as hell make your food taste better or worse? Would knowing that – when it doesn’t actually affect how they interact with you or do their job – really be vital to your enjoyment of your meal?

If literally the only difference between a good meal and an awful one is knowing what’s going on in someone else’s head, then ultimately I don’t think you can say that what they’re thinking is a problem with any degree of honesty. And to say that it does make a difference is to start trying to legislate mind-reading.

So it goes with secret kinksters, where the charge is ultimately internal. Part of what makes a difference between, say, the secret cross-dressing fetishist and a flasher is that, for a flasher, the shock and violation is part of the charge. It’s the violation that gets them off, not just being seen by others; he’s specifically targeting folks who aren’t consenting and forcing them to participate. On the other hand, the dude who gets heated up because he’s wearing a women’s t-back or garter belt and vintage stockings sunder his suit may be getting a thrill because he’s violating a taboo… but the thrill is in part because it’s secret.

When it’s something that folks literally don’t know is occurring because it’s all in your head, then I don’t see any harm being committed. If a guy who gets turned on by women in sundresses or seeing people smoking isn’t hanging out staring or leering or doesn’t start playing pocket pool when he sees them, then this is all stuff going on in the privacy between his ears and ultimately doesn’t affect anyone but him.

In order for folks to know that this was what was going on, that would require that they know what he’s thinking or feeling in that moment… and unless he tells them or demonstrates it through their actions, they can’t know.

If the mere existence of someone getting a naughty thrill because of someone or something else existing in the world and same space as them (and by which I mean public space, not peeping in someone’s room, for example) is somehow seen as being intolerable… well honestly, I’m not sure where you go from there. How do you reasonably enforce any sort of injunction against that? How would this work at scale?

It doesn’t really work on the interpersonal level either – not without declaring that folks have no privacy and a duty to declare every thought or feeling they have. Even people in committed relationships have rights to fantasy, rights to privacy from their partner and rights to erotic autonomy; relationships aren’t depositions, and treating them as one is a very good way to not be in one any longer. If someone is going to insist that they have a right to know exactly what you think or feel or fantasize about, then that’s someone you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with.

So on that level, I would say – in Reddit parlance – NTA.

Here’s the other side of the equation, though: when someone’s bothered or upset by something, you (general you, not you specifically, SVID) don’t get to tell them they aren’t allowed to feel that way. Just like you can’t dictate what someone is or isn’t allowed to think or fantasize about, you can’t dictate how other people feel about things. If someone feels violated by knowing that you (again, general you) were doing X in part because it’s your kink, those feelings are valid, and trying to say that they’re not allowed to feel that is a real asshole move – one that can be abusive, even. Your ex had a significant and very real reaction to finding out that you get an erotic charge from servicing your partner. This, apparently, triggered something for her and made her feel violated. Those feelings are real and legitimate.

What I said about not knowing what goes on in other people’s heads applies here, too. We don’t know who may have been abused or harmed by someone, who may have personal triggers or trauma around kink or who may just have very strong feelings about adding a sexual layer to an activity they see as non-sexual. Unless we’re told that these potential landmines or traumas exist, we don’t know they’re there and the pain they feel is very much a real thing. This is why part of the contract of living in a society is recognizing that we are always going to have moments where we bump into others and it’s important to be considerate about it. We may not be able to avoid all problems, but we can at least try to minimize the likelihood of causing them.

So in the case of your ex, while I don’t think “I get a secret thrill from X” is inherently harmful, it clearly is an issue for her, specifically. That’s real. That’s legit.

Where things get tricky is when we get to the question of “but is that a you problem or a her problem?” and whether her explosion at you is commensurate with the cause. Her feelings are valid. Her actions, on the other hand… that’s a much harder question to parse. And honestly, this is a place where it becomes a big, tangled ball of “well it depends.”

I’m gonna be honest here, SVID: I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming that everything was on the up and up. I am coming to this from the assumption that this wasn’t a case of your trying to push servicing your ex onto her, but rather this was very standard “oh, hey could you rub my feet” / “you seem tired/tense/stiff, would you like a massage and some pampering” relationship behavior. I’m also assuming that you weren’t either getting weirdly sexual about the foot rubs or what-have-you. If that’s the case, I think that the fact that she’s uncomfortable with your kink is more of a “her” problem.

However, I’m also assuming that she hasn’t previously mentioned having issues with kink before or people perving on her in non-consensual and violating ways. If she has, then that very firmly makes this a you problem and an even firmer YTA. But if she does have those issues lingering around like an unexploded landmine and didn’t tell you of the landmine’s existence… well, then we’re back to NTA; you can’t reasonably be expected to read her mind, any more than she could read yours and generally it’s important to warn partners about those emotional landmines. But then again, if she didn’t know that landmine was there…

Well, you can see how one could tie oneself up in knots trying to parse all of this.

With all that having been said, one thing that leaps out at me is that this doesn’t seem to just be about the foot rubs. She threw weird homophobia and transphobia accusations in the mix and accused you of probably stealing underwear (um… wut?) that seems to have come out of goddamn nowhere and makes it sound like maybe this is more sex-negativity and weird kink-shaming than it just being about your enjoying rubbing her feet. It could be that she has weird or conflicted feelings about enjoying spanking and rough sex and the fact that your kinks are considerably further from vanilla than hers triggered something. It could be that she doesn’t know what forced femme/sissification is – a particular type of power exchange involving playing with the reversal of gender roles  – and bought into weird some weird anti-trans hypno-porn-is-making-men-trans conspiracy shit that’s out there.

Or it really could just be that she had a negative reaction to the fact that you were getting a sexual charge from something she didn’t consider sexual and everything after that was just her getting increasingly upset as the two of you were at cross-purposes and not necessarily hearing or understanding each other. It’s all too easy for arguments escalate to lashing out, because sometimes you don’t think rationally when you’re freaked out or pissed as hell about something.

Now, while I do think that this reaction wasn’t warranted, I do think that, if you’re a kinkster, it’s better to lay that out on the table early on. The fact that you went for months without telling her about this… well, honestly, it’s not the worst thing in the world, but it’s also not the best practice either. It’s understandable why you might not want to roll it out early on, but it’s still a good idea to do it sooner rather than later.

Most people entering into a sexual relationship are going to be expecting standard-issue sex and some have strong feelings about kink – especially kinks that play with taboos and power exchange. I’m of the opinion that if you’re kinky – and especially if indulging or participating in your kink is going to be something you want or need – then you want to let people know as early as reasonable. Not only does this help folks know what to expect and allows them to decide for themselves whether they want to continue, but it also helps avoid scenes just like this. If there’re any landmines waiting around, it’s better to find out that they exist early on, rather than to find out because you stepped on one.

I realize this can be scary. You’re opening yourself up to judgement and rejection from someone you are attracted to (or have feelings for) and that can be scary. It certainly doesn’t help that we live in a sex-negative society that treats kink and kinksters with suspicion and bringing up your kinks runs the risk of getting a knee-jerk response of “NO!”  because they don’t necessarily grok it the way you do. And to be quite frank, it’s better to get that knowledge sooner, rather than later. In general, it’s better to end a relationship early on because you’re not sexually compatible than to end it because you hit a trigger and now folks are hurt.

But telling someone early on – instead of springing it on them – also gives you more of a chance for a “yes”, or at least a “well, maybe,” if you give them a chance to sit with it. That knee-jerk response is often more built in via culture than a final answer. Your first thought about something is often how you’ve been raised to think about it; your second is often closer to how you actually feel. If, for example, you’d told your ex early on about your kinks, she may have been weirded out… but if she had time to sit and process, she might have decided that she was ok with at least some of it. The forced-femme may have been a kink too far for her, but the femdom/service sub parts may have been something she could be into, or at least she could go there for you on occasion.

You don’t even necessarily needed to roll out the entire kink buffet at first. You could’ve said that you really enjoyed giving foot-rubs or what have you and let that be the start of the conversation that you would have over the course of your relationship. Sometimes letting folks know about your kinks and fantasies is an ongoing conversation, not just a “here, let me tell you ALL THE THINGS” one-and-done.

You didn’t do those things and this time, you stepped on a landmine and it blew the relationship to hell. Would this have happened eventually anyway? Possibly, but we have no way of knowing. You rolled the dice and this time it came up snake-eyes; that’s part of the risk you accept if you don’t tell people early on.

So yeah, not the best practice on your part but – again – I think she was much harsher than this warranted. But then again, I can’t say that she’s entirely wrong either. But it is what it is, it happened the way it happened, and there’s nothing to do but take this experience and learn from it for next time. When you’re with someone, kinky or not, lay your cards out on the table early on – ideally before you two start having sex. You may need to take some time having standard-issue sex so that your future vanilla partners know that a relationship with you isn’t going to be some odd 24/7 bondage extravaganza that they’re picturing in their head, but letting people know about things you are going to want or need in bed is going to be important for the future.

Oh, and one more thing. When you do show your kink cards, don’t roll it out like it’s something to be ashamed of. It’s not a deep dark secret, it’s different ways to have fun and games with your pants off; you’re asking them to join you on a sexual adventure, not to sacrifice their first born to Sithrack The Blind Gibberer. If you can explain what you’re into and why you’re into it in ways they can understand, so much the better.

But as a general rule: err on the side of more information and communication, not less.

Good luck.