Do I Have To Be Poly To Stay With My Boyfriend?

Estimated reading time: 17 minutes

So, my bf and I have been dating for, maybe… 4 months. I was happy because this is the first normal, stable relationship I’ve had. And then one day, he decided he wanted to be poly.

He sent me a text that said, “Sorry, but I’m poly now” and proceeded to date two of my friends. I told him he couldn’t just do that, all of the people involved needed to agree first, INCLUDING ME!!! He didn’t really seem to care and thought that was a dumb rule. But, he asked for my consent and I said no.

I can’t really explain why I don’t want to be poly… I kinda just wanted for the first time to have a relationship that actually worked first. I just wanted one person who actually loved me and only me before I went off and started making the relationship crazier. But he didn’t get that and said I was being controlling. A lot of my friends were saying I should just do it and make him happy, so I finally agreed to try being poly for one week.

We’ll see how it goes, but so far, I’m miserable. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I need to make myself miserable just to make my bf happy, but I don’t want to break up. I’m normally really happy with our relationship.

Please help.

Monoamorous In Distress

Let me ask you something, MID: why, in pluperfect fuckery, do you want to still be dating this guy, exactly?

No, seriously: I get that the previous months were happy but your boyfriend seems to think that he can universally decide that this is an open relationship, without asking you, and then immediately start dating your friends?

And for that matter, why aren’t you upset at your friends, too?

I realize there’s a lot to unpack here but seriously I think we may just want to toss the entire suitcase out and start over because Jesus tapdancing Frog this is a goddamn mess.

Let’s start with the first in this parade of red flags, taking the poly issue out of the equation for the moment: your boyfriend decided to make a unilateral change to the nature of your relationship with no warning and no discussion beforehand, and without asking or obtaining your consent.

It’s tempting to get unhelpfully hyperbolic about what this means and to speculate about what other areas he’s going to be equally shitty in, but we’re going to stick with the facts right in front of us: he thought it was ok for him to do this and he’s telling you that you’re wrong (“being controlling”) for not being cool with it.

That is what we in the relationship advice biz call “a very bad sign”. Like, while you don’t need anyone’s permission to break up with someone and you can leave a relationship at any time for any reason… this is a very good reason to at the very least, seriously ask whether staying in this relationship is a good idea. This is precisely the sort of reason why strong boundaries are important in a relationship; when you don’t push back against this sort of thing, people will take it as permission to ignore your boundaries in other areas and push even harder against them.

What he has effectively done is demonstrate to you, in very clear terms, what he thinks of your preferences or desires in this relationship. The fact that he frames your not being cool with it as being ‘controlling’… well that’s something we’ll come back to in a moment.

But let’s get to the next red flag: deciding that you’re in an open relationship now and immediately dating two of your friends.

Here’s the thing: polyamory and non-monogamy isn’t for everyone. While I’m a general believer that monogamy should be opt-in as part of the Defining The Relationship talk, rather than assumed to be automatically in effect, discussing what an open, ethical non-monogamous relationship would look like and entail for you both is vitally important. It’s not a 100% proof effective vaccine against mistakes or problems. Even people who hash things out in advance can end up having things crop up that they didn’t expect, and people can have the best of intentions but still mess up.  But discussing things in advance minimizes the likelihood of relationship-extinction level events happening, especially in the fallout of said mistakes. 

Leaping in with both feet without discussing things, on the other hand, is very bad. Even if someone has the best of intentions, it’s a great way to damage the trust and connection of the relationship when someone is that careless about things. And if they don’t… well, then they’re causing harm to someone they supposedly care about and don’t seem to give a damn because they’re getting theirs. 

A lot of couples who are dipping their toes into non-monogamy will often agree to rules that (initially) will put limits on who can see whom and what sorts of relationships people can have. The purpose of this is to help create a structure so that the  person who isn’t necessarily the most excited about or experienced in non-monogamy can feel a measure of trust and security. It’s a way of demonstrating that both partners care about each other’s feelings, of building and demonstrating trust and creates a foundation for expanding what is or isn’t permissible in that relationship.

To pull an absolutely random example: for a lot of folks, dating a partner’s close friends right off the bat can be a no-go. Some people are cool with it, some people get cool with it over time, and for some, it’s a big fat deal breaker, no exceptions. It can be emotionally fraught, feel like a betrayal or that this is a little too close to home (metaphorically and possibly literally). It’s one of the things that couples will usually discuss in advance prior to opening things.

The fact that he just immediately started dating two people who were in your close orbit, with no hesitation? That’s another big ol’ red flag.

But it’s not just unsafe emotionally, it’s unsafe physically. Part of why you want to talk things through with your partner before officially opening things is to establish procedures and rules for your physical safety… specifically around STIs. While sex is a full-contact sport and it means accepting a certain level of risk, there’s a difference between risk you have knowingly agreed to, and then there are risks that you hadn’t.

Your boyfriend choosing to date without telling you – and I’m guessing without bothering to do things like get tested or check that your friends had been tested – exposes you to risks that you didn’t consent to. Even if he’s careful and using condoms religiously, some infections like HPV and herpes are spread by skin-to-skin contact. I also highly doubt that he – like most people – uses condoms or barrier methods for oral sex, which means that he could still contract an STI and pass it on to you. 

As I said: sex comes with risks, including some infections. And while some of those infections may be relatively minor or easily treated, they’re still risks, and he’s increased the chances of your contracting one. By not talking things through with you first, he’s taken away your ability to assess how you feel about these risks, discuss what steps you both might take to mitigate them and unilaterally decided on it for you.

And yet another red flag: that this all happened within a few months of you all starting to date. Four months is not a lot of time. Hell with the honeymoon/NRE stage, you’re not even in the “fart around each other” stage yet. The fact that he felt comfortable just springing this on you with no discussion and no regard for your feelings is the sort of behavior that says that you really should be questioning just how much he actually cares. Because his actions say that he fucking doesn’t.

I also want to point out that you don’t need to explain or justify not wanting to be poly. You don’t need a reason that’s “good enough”; you aren’t arguing before The Relationship Court who can decide for or against you and override your choices. “I just don’t,” is an entirely valid reason. If that’s not enough for someone and they’re pressuring you to explain why… well, that’s yet another red flag to add to the parade.

Sometimes people need a little time to collect their thoughts and actually put words to things that they never had to explain or even think about before. If someone is pushing and pushing for you to say why and won’t take “because I said so” as an answer, then what they’re doing is saying “if you can’t express a cogent opinion to my satisfaction about something I have dropped on you with no warning, then your opinion doesn’t matter”. It’s a pressure tactic, the same sort of thing that high-pressure salesmen use to keep you from thinking or organizing your thoughts. There isn’t a deadline; you don’t need to have an answer right away. You can say “No, now give me some time to think about it and I’ll explain why.”.

Hell, if they gave you time to think, you might actually realize that your reaction was a knee-jerk response and not what you actually feel. But if someone can’t give you the space to think and decide, then we’re back to “more red flags than the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona”.

Incidentally, what you explained in your letter to me is a very good summation of why this might not be the right relationship model for you, either right now or in the future. You have every reason and right to want to have things be stable and feel safe and secure before taking the relationship to a new and more complicated level… something your boyfriend absolutely just trampled all over with no regard.

And then there’s the last red flag and it is a fucking doozy: the “you’re just being controlling” comment. This is the part where my Spidey-sense stopped tingling and started going like a car alarm at 4 in the morning. HELL YES you’re being controlling, you’re being controlling over your body, your autonomy, and your choosing what kind of relationship you want to be in. THOSE ARE ALL THINGS YOU GET TO CONTROL. Saying that you’re being “controlling” is him telling you that you’re not allowed to have opinions on this, to decide for yourself whether you want to be in a different relationship than the one you agreed to and that you’re the bad guy for not just letting him do this.

That honestly is the part that makes me think you really should’ve kicked him to the curb next to the trash and compost, not humor him with a week long trial period.

(And while this isn’t really relevant to your situation, a week isn’t long enough to assess how you would feel about this under better circumstances, never mind these.)

BUT NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT YOUR GODDAMN FRIENDS FOR A SECOND.

The fact that your friends were cool with his unilaterally deciding that you’re in an open relationship with no discussion and leaping straight into something with him is also a giant goddamn red flag. So too is the fact that your friends – who I presume are the ones who he’s also seeing; you don’t say if it’s them or others – are telling you to “just do it and make him happy”. Um, cool… except for the part where it makes you unhappy. They seem to glide right over that part with seemingly very little concern. That’s concerning under the best of circumstances.

This is the sort of behavior that makes me wonder if these are actually your friends. The fact that they don’t seem to be concerned with any of this and are going along with it with no problems or thought for you is seriously fucked up. Friends aren’t obligated to automatically be on your side, but they should, at the very fucking least, take your feelings into consideration and think about how this sort of thing might affect you. But from the sounds of it, they fucking well did not. And that tells me that you, MID, need way better fucking friends.

This is precisely what I mean by “throw the whole suitcase away”. I know you said that you don’t want to break up, and I understand that leaving a relationship that seemed promising can be scary… especially after you’ve had some shitty ones in the past. But here’s the thing: part of finding a stable and promising relationship means not tolerating fuckshit behavior from people. That’s the whole point of having and enforcing your boundaries. If you don’t enforce them, then it just means that your boundaries are more like strongly worded suggestions.

I can promise you that if your boyfriend felt comfortable pulling this sort of shit and calling you “controlling” for protesting, then this is just the start of said fuckshit behavior. This isn’t a case of raptors testing the fences; that would require a lot more care and subtlety. This is more like the T-rex just straight charging the gate.  

And your so-called “friends” aren’t just enabling him but actively participating in it.

FUCK. THAT. NOISE.

If I’m being blunt, I think you would be better off dumping your boyfriend and your friends and starting over from scratch. None of them are acting like friends or like they have the slightest concern for you. You’re already miserable and questioning whether you have to accept this because… well, because. And I am here to tell you: no you fucking don’t. You deserve better treatment than this from your partner and you deserve much better quality friends. And you absolutely deserve to tell your boyfriend and his new dates to stick it while you hop on the Nope Train to Fuck-This-Shitville, with stops in Bye Felicia Acres and FOADelphia.

This is the time to enforce your boundaries. He wants to be poly? Great, more power to him… you don’t, and certainly not under these circumstances. You aren’t obligated to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. If he wants to be poly, then he can be poly… but he can’t do that and be in a relationship with you. So do yourself a favor and just leave him behind. Dump his ass so hard he bounces, do the same to your friends and realize you deserve so much more and go out and get what you’re worth. ‘Cuz it ain’t this guy.

Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove: I just can’t seem to find a fully-grown, functioning adult of a man. Instead I always seem to attract man children who take advantage of my kindness and still expect to be coddled and spoiled after repeatedly disrespecting me.

I’ve had a number of abusive relationships in the past that I’ve managed to get out of, but even when a relationship seems somewhat stable, and the current partner isn’t actively being emotionally abusive as past partners have been, I find that I keep getting disrespected, and that my partners continue to devolve into man children…

Things might start out fine, they present themselves in the beginning as normal, functional adults capable of loving and caring for me, but then it seems like over time, the man devolves into a child – trying to fight me whenever I set a hard boundary, trying to debate aspects of my personality to try changing my mind about something I’m firm on; refusing to learn new things and adapt when adaptation is needed. Out of nowhere, he suddenly can’t help me, he might want to help but he keeps making excuses as to why he can’t, he seems like a helpless kitten who just can’t get anything right (and whether it’s weaponized incompetence or ACTUAL incompetence because they’re naïve varies).

Somehow I keep attracting man children. Actual, fully functional men just don’t seem to come my way, and when they do, they just don’t stick around long enough to consider a serious relationship with me.

So how do I stop attracting man children and attract a man capable of being a functional adult?

And if man children are all I can attract, how do I avoid becoming his mother and get the respect I deserve as a female partner in a hetero/hetero-passing relationship?

Not A Daycare Service

DEAR NOT A DAYCARE SERVICE: There are two different questions embedded in this, NADS, and it’s the second one that’s more important.

It’s not so much a question about why you’re attracting man-children; that would imply that this is a fault in you, rather than the fact that they’re overrepresented in the general populace. There’s a reason why “women only want the top 10% of men” and “the bar women expect men to clear is so low that it’s in Hell” can both be true. It’s not women only want the top tier elite, it’s that an astonishingly low number of men seem to be willing to put in work to be a good partner. And please note the deliberate emphasis on the word partner.

There are a lot of men out there who seem to feel that personal development, responsibility and actually recognizing a relationship as a partnership are things that happen to other people. This has been a significant reason why more and more women are choosing to forgo relationships and marriage and why more and more men are having a hard time finding dates.

Hysterically (and yes, that was a deliberate word choice), much like the increasing emotional isolation and loneliness that’s plaguing men, this is being presented as something women are expected to fix, rather than examining and addressing the social structures that men construct that isolate them and hinder their emotional development.

It’s worth examining where you’re meeting these men and what commonalities they may have, especially if those commonalities are things that you find attractive. It may well be that the pool you’re choosing from, or some of the things about them that draw you in correlate to this sort of behavior. If that’s the case, then it may be worth doing some self-examining and asking why those aspects appeal to you or if there’s something else going on under the surface. Some folks, regardless of gender, who find themselves dating the same “types” are often following a pattern that was set earlier – whether it’s the sort of relationships their parents modeled for them, early relationship experiences or even a sort of self-protection that no longer serves their needs.

However, that doesn’t always mean that there is something else going on. Sometimes it can be just plain bad luck. Your odds of running into a few in any random sample are relatively high, just by nature of how a lot of men have been socialized. Even finding several in a row doesn’t mean that it’s more than random chance. Things being improbable doesn’t mean that they’re impossible. Probability means that sometimes weird shit happens.

It may also be worth asking if there are any commonalities among the men who had their shit together but didn’t stick around. Taking a look at how those relationships progressed and if there’re moments in common where they bounced might tell you if there’s anything going on that you may not be aware of. There may well not be; they may just have been men that you weren’t compatible with through no fault of your own. That too, can just be bad luck.

But as I said: the important question isn’t why do you attract these man-children. You’re not going out looking for them, nor is it as though they’re wearing their douchiness on the outside like some sort of reverse aposematism. Like you said: the guys you’ve dated have hidden that aspect of themselves at first. The important question is: why do you let them stay once they reveal themselves?

Strong boundaries are how you keep them from getting purchase in your life. It’s much easier to ward them off when they’re still doing the “raptors testing the fences” behavior about what you will or won’t put up with.

While I wouldn’t advocate a “one strike and you’re out” policy, it’s probably a good idea to be mindful of the initial signs that someone you’re dating is acting like some of your previous exes – the pushing against your boundaries, the trying to debate your personality – and respond appropriately when they do. A warning is appropriate; it’s entirely reasonable to say “hey, I don’t appreciate this behavior and I won’t tolerate it if it continues. If you want to stay in this relationship with me, then knock it off”.

The men who’re worth dating are the ones who’ll realize that their behavior isn’t acceptable and they’ll make a good faith effort to work on it. Not all of the behavior is active or malicious; sometimes it’s just how they’ve been raised and socialized and nobody’s called them on it before, so they don’t realize it’s an issue. Because they’re generally good people, they’ll recognize that this is something they need to improve on and will actually do their best to do the work. They may not be perfect, but they’re also not expecting a bang-maid/mommy either, nor are they going to expect you to teach them.

So if they’re a little imperfect but sincerely willing to work on it – and prove it through their actions? You can cut them a little slack.

If, on the other hand, they then continue to act that way, or to act as though your having hard boundaries is a problem… well, you told them what you were willing to put up with and what you would do if they didn’t listen. Having a low tolerance for the initial line-stepping means that they won’t have a chance to stick around, and it’ll mean you’re wasting less of your precious time.

There may need to be a calibration period while you figure things out. If you’re especially sensitive to this sort of behavior (not to mention just being fatigued in general), you may end up with some false-positives or be a little extra prickly around certain issues.

It may take you some time and practice to figure out what areas are hard deal breakers and where you might be a little more forgiving (if any), and to reach a point where you feel safe and secure enough to lower your guard. That’s ok. You’re allowed to give yourself some grace after having a series of shitty experiences. You can work towards being generous and hopeful while also not taking people’s shit. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

It may take a little time… but hey, better to spend that time on yourself than to waste it on another man-child. Because as I’m often saying: nobody said it would be easy… just that it would be worth it.

Good luck.