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You’re happy with your friends and family.
You’re pretty happy with your job. It could be better, but it’s good, all things considered.
You’re largely happy with yourself. You could be a bit more physically and emotionally healthy, but your self-esteem is still rather high.
The question remains, however… are you happy?
I can’t answer that one for you.
Which is why I’d like you to do a little soul searching.
Reading dating advice without taking it is like reading a diet book without changing your diet!
Think about the happiest time in your entire adult life.
Think about where you lived at the time.
Think about what you were doing at the time.
Think about when you felt entirely carefree, where the weight of the world wasn’t solely on your shoulders, where you felt loved and supported and light.
Think about who you were dating at the time.
Think about how blissful it was. How everything seemed right with the world. How you wished that period of your life could have gone on forever.
That’s what I mean by happiness.
It’s a rare state, but it often coincides with the state of your relationship.
If it’s been a long time since you’ve felt the joys of being in a safe, nurturing, romantic relationship, it’s time to take action.
Reading dating advice without taking it is like reading a diet book without changing your diet!
Let me explain…
I consider myself an amateur sociologist. I’ve been observing dating and relationship patterns in men and women since the early 2000’s and have a whole bunch of theories.
Still, I appreciate that there are people who can back up their theories with studies, instead of relying on anecdotal evidence, like I do.
Which brings me to today’s point: scientists (who are even smarter than dating coaches!) have weighed in on happiness. And the best – and simplest – definition of happiness that I’ve ever heard was this:
Happiness is when your goals and your actions are aligned.
If you’re a musician and your whole life revolves around music, you’re going to be happiest when you’re making music for a living. Your goal – being a professional musician, and your actions – working hard at being a professional musician – are aligned.
Happiness is when your goals and your actions are aligned.
Similarly, if your goal is to have absolutely no responsibility to anyone but yourself, you might find that going to college was the happiest time for you. 10 hours of class a week, lots of down time for sleeping and drinking and conversing, tons of other like-minded young people around you.
If we were to flip those two situations over – and make the musician get a desk job selling insurance, and make the college student work full-time at an investment bank, then guess what? It’s pretty safe to say that neither would be happy.
Why? Their actions wouldn’t be aligned with their goals.
We all have different goals. Some people just want to make money and travel and hang out with friends. If that’s your goal and you’re doing it, bravo to you. You’re probably really happy with your decision.
However, if your goal is to have a happy, healthy, committed relationship… and you’re not currently in a happy, healthy, committed relationship… I have to ask:
Are you truly happy?
Are your actions aligned with your goals?
When my goal was to find love, these were my actions:
I was on three different dating sites, I went out to bars at least once or twice a week, I took salsa lessons, and openly solicited set-ups.
As a result, I went on between 1 and 2 dates a week for five years.
I fell in love, got dumped.
Dated prolifically.
Fell in love, got dumped.
Went back to the drawing board.
Had another relationship.
Ended that relationship.
Dated again.
Fell in love.
Got married.
Does that sound like a lot of effort?
It WAS. And it WORKED.
You may think that going on hundreds of dates sounds like a waste of time.
But from all of my dating, I learned what to expect from women, what they were looking for in a man, and what I was repeatedly doing wrong.
I learned how to communicate clearly, how to be a leader, and how to act with class and integrity. Most importantly, I learned that the woman I thought I was looking for was NOT the woman I SHOULD have been looking for.
All of this dating led to me becoming a better dating coach and a better husband.
Dating can do the same for you, too.
So, before you go back to work or close up your email, please try this one quick exercise:
Write down your relationship goal, specifically, what type of relationship you want.
Write down your actions – what, specifically, you’re doing to achieve your relationship goal.
If you’re dating online, that means you should write down how many people you’re contacting each week, and how many people you’re dating each month.
If you’re going to singles events, write down how many dates result from those events.
If you’re paying for a dating service or matchmaker, write down how often you utilize their services.
To reiterate, there’s nothing wrong with being single, if being single is your GOAL.
When you look at your actions on paper, you can see for yourself whether they are aligned with your goals.
If your paper looks like:
Goal: Long-term partnership that could lead to marriage and children.
Action: Canceled Match.com subscription, 2 dates in past year from guys in bars.
Well, you know what that means.
To reiterate, there’s nothing wrong with being single, if being single is your GOAL.
But if you want to find love, but are resisting because it’s easier to be alone, then you might not ever be as happy as you could be.
That, to me, is unacceptable.
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