Do You REALLY Know What You Want in a Partner?

Notes from the podcast:

Everyone has an ideal partner checklist that might include attributes like “6 foot, 6 figures, 6 pack abs.”

Yet, posing the question, “What do you want in a partner?” uncovers a fundamental challenge in dating that many fail to answer correctly, if at all. It’s common to assert confidently, “I KNOW what I want,” but do we really?

Research reveals a striking contradiction: individuals often fail to pursue or show interest in potential partners who meet their stated preferences. This discrepancy suggests that many people don’t truly understand their own desires in relationships.

The Core of the Misunderstanding

This misunderstanding can stem from several issues. Some might not know what they want, but it’s more likely that the target is “fuzzy” — somewhat known but unclear. This lack of clarity can be attributed to insufficient experience, introspection, reflection, and planning.

Others might know what they want but need help with implementation. For instance, someone may seek an intellectually stimulating partner and exclusively date individuals with advanced degrees, mistakenly equating education level with intelligence, thus relying on inaccurate indicators.

A Strategy for Clarity

To navigate these challenges, let’s try a two step strategy.

1. Have a Plan: Drawing inspiration from Benjamin Franklin’s wisdom, “By failing to plan, you are preparing to fail,” it’s time to develop a Love Vision. Envision your ideal relationship without making it overly complex. This vision should be simple, focused, and prioritized, akin to the metaphor of fitting large rocks, pebbles, and sand into a jar. Importantly, create this plan objectively and without any specific person in mind to prevent emotions from clouding your judgment. Treat this document as a living one, regularly updating it based on new insights and experiences, thus ensuring it reflects your true priorities and not just passing infatuations.

2. Experience is the Best Teacher: Actively date multiple people to broaden your understanding of what you truly need and want in a relationship. This approach is about moving quickly to meet a variety of individuals, using your Love Vision as a filter to narrow down prospects. Adjust your Love Vision as you gather new data from these experiences. While some may have reservations about dating multiple people, viewing it as an information-gathering phase, akin to job interviews or car test drives, can reframe these concerns. Remember, the goal is to diversify your experiences to refine your understanding of your desires.

Conclusion

We often understand our preferences and let them guide our decisions in life. Yet, when it comes to relationships, this approach can lead us astray, as what we think we want may not align with what truly fulfills us. By developing a clear Love Vision and embracing diverse dating experiences, we can move closer to understanding and finding what we genuinely seek in a partner. This journey of discovery is not just about finding someone who fits a list of criteria but about understanding ourselves and what we genuinely need to find happiness and fulfillment in love.