Does My Girlfriend Want To Be With Me Or Her Ex?

Estimated reading time: 16 minutes

Doctor’s Note: We’re continuing our look back with Ask Dr. NerdLove – Revised, as we look back at some questions from the earliest days of the column, answer them from a 2023 perspective and see what – if anything – has changed in the intervening years.

This question was originally answered on July 19, 2011

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

Okay, so, I’m dating this girl, yeah its not really a get the girl story, so i’m not sure you might have some advice for this, but i’m pretty hopeful cause its actually been pretty stressful lol.

Now, back on the subject, my girl, when we’d been dating 2 months, started talking to her ex about how she wanted badly to be with him, and to give a little bit of backstory to this ass, he was her boyfriend from the time she was 14 to 17. He went out with other women while they were going out, telling her that his family was making him and that it meant nothing. He got another woman pregnant right after they broke up, a month or 2 after she found out for sure she was, she broke up with him. So, something about this guy that she hasn’t thought about most likely got a pregnant woman to prefer to raise this child by herself and balance college shes now going to along with it…

Anyway! more to the point, since then i’ve just been having tons of times where I wonder if she really wants to be with me. In her defense, ever since she talked about it with him, shes been trying hard to make it up to me, and i know this is probably something you can’t really give quality advice for, but i’ve been hearing good things about your advice so, i’m wondering what advice you can give on this, break up with her, make rules, etc? I’m not really sure what the thing to do is for getting completely past this lol…

Second Choice, Last Place

This is one of those times when I wish you’d given more information, SCLP, especially your respective ages. I’d love to know, for example, how old you and your girlfriend are, how long an interval it had been between when she broke up with her ex and when she started dating you.

This is one of those times when age and distance from the previous relationship are very, very relevant. Especially since the two of you sound so very young.

Now I realize that I am offically An Old, and I would prefer not to think of how long it’s been since my high-school days. But one thing I remember very well is just how intense and chaotic and confusing everything was and how very important everything would be.

On the one hand, I kinda envy that level of certainty and self-assurance that everything mattered, that every relationship would be A Love To Last The Ages and the ability to feel everything so very intensely.

On the other hand, I also remember how that meant that everything was a constant stream of drama that meant that everything was more important than everything else that had just preceded it. And while those highs were very, very high, those lows were abyssal, and there was very rarely ever any rest between the two. And let me tell you with the voice of experience: the roller coaster ride is only exciting because it’s brief. When everything is a constant interplay of highest highs and lowest lows with nothing in between, it becomes exhausting. And worse, without the moments of calm – the time between the last drop and the next climb to the ride – it goes from being exhilarating to nightmarish.

So I say this with the full acknowledgement that my advice is going to have a harder time landing in the face of the surge of hormones, the chaos of trying to figure out who you are, and the emotional hurricane of trying to navigate adult-ish relationships without the experience and perspective that comes with age: chill, my dude.

Here’s the thing: your respective ages and the length of time it’s been since your girlfriend broke up are going to be incredibly relevant and intertwined with each other like horny snakes.

Let’s start with that teenage chaos aspect. This is a two-fold issue. First is, like I said: you’re at a period of radical transition in your life, and that’s going to be pretty significant. The physical changes that kicked off with puberty mixed with being expected to behave like mature adults, despite having little life experience with which to gauge things, trying to create your own identity separate from your parents’ and figure out your place in the world – amongst your peers and family, at your school and in your immediate future – mean that everything is louder than everything else. The inherent drama of being a teenager is exciting, even when it’s stressful, and that excitement feels a lot like the thrill of New Relationship Energy. Especially when it’s your first relationship, and the only basis you have for comparison are what the stories you’ve read, songs you listen to and movies you’ve seen tell you to expect. 

(Incidentally, the whole “our brains aren’t fully developed until 25” bit that keeps going around is wildly misunderstood and doesn’t say what folks think it says. It doesn’t mean that people under 25 can’t make decisions; it just means the prefrontal cortex lights up differently at different ages. Everything beyond that is speculation, not proven fact.)

Then there’s the fact that she was dating him for three to four years. When you’re 17, that’s a quarter of your life. When someone’s been part of your daily existence for a full fourth of your time as a conscious being, they’re going to be an important part of it, and not having them around is going to feel like a much bigger loss than it would if everyone had started dating in their mid-20s.

So that mix of chaos and the sudden absence is going to blend to create a sense of “this was the most important thing in my life”, and it’s understandable that the pang of missing it will be pretty intense, in and of itself.

But then there’s question of how long its been since they broke up before you and she started dating. One thing that has been fairly consistent amongst teenagers since the concept of adolescence became a thing is that they tend to bounce between relationships very quickly. And this can create some weird emotional cross-talk because as it turns out, jumping straight into a new relationship can mean that you haven’t exactly dealt with how you feel about your previous one. Nostalgia is a hell of a drug, even when you’re a teenager, and it covers up a lot of sins. When you look back at a relationship – even one that’s only been over for a few months – it’s easy for the golden haze of the early days to overwhelm the bad memories. The conflicts, the cheating, the way you and your ex treated each other and so on seem less significant and less important than how it was when things were good.

So while hearing about how she misses her shithead ex – even while he’s actively being a shithead – can definitely hurt, I don’t think you need to take it as a sign that she’d rather be with him. I think she’s still processing everything that happened, with all those attendant highs and lows, and it’s very easy to let everything get jumbled in one’s head.

(Let he or she who hasn’t had the impulse to get back with a shitty ex cast the first stone, y’know?)

That having been said… I would suggest that maybe the two of you shouldn’t be dating seriously right now, especially if this is a recent break up. Giving her some time to process her feelings, come to terms with the break up and realize what she actually wants will be valuable for her. Meanwhile, you get time to try to decide what you would want – including if you want to continue pursuing this relationship – without feeling like it’s all or nothing. If you enjoy each other’s company and the connection you have, seeing each other is just fine. But if the two of you don’t take time to figure out what you want – and don’t want – then what you’re going to get are more moments of emotional lows, electric shocks of pain from hearing that maybe her feelings are more complicated than she realized and the overall insecurity of never knowing where you stand.

At the very least keeping things more casual takes away the pressure of exclusivity and an all-or-nothing relationship. You have the opportunity to decide if you’d rather wait until she knows what she wants, if you want to try to ride things out as is, or if you should be seeing other people while she’s trying to sort out her own life.

Now one thing I will suggest is that you two talk things out while you decide what you’re doing next. You don’t want lay down rules or read her the riot act; that’s going to be counterproductive. What you do want is to have an Awkward Conversation, where you lay out how you feel and want to know how she honestly feels, rather than a knee-jerk “no, wait, I meant you, I really prefer you”.

It may mean that this relationship may have to be put on hold for a bit. While that’s going to sting – a lot – that pain will be far less than if you were to continue things while she’s legitimately conflicted. Putting things on pause for now while she figures out what she wants and how she feels means that it’s much easier for the two of you to come back to things, rather than having to work past the pain of a break up mixed with the feeling of being rejected for someone who’s treated her badly.

So the lesser pain now can help you avoid a much greater one in the future… and to create a stronger foundation for your relationship in the process.

But no future is going to happen until the two of you sit and actually talk to each other. So start there.

Good luck.

This question was originally answered on July 14, 2011

Dear Doctor,

 I had a good, long think after reading your recent post about what it is I want; in a girl, in a relationship and so on. I’ve pretty much known what kind of girl I’m attracted to but your words helped me solidify my thoughts and for that I thank you. 

Personally, I’m attracted to tomboys; you know, the girls who delve more into male activities than female. Perhaps I find this attractive because I find it easier to relate but nonetheless, it’s what I like. I want my girl to be outgoing and adventurous to somewhat counterbalance my introverted nature. I want to find a girl who likes to talk about anything and everything; have stimulating conversations or just bullshit for hours. That’s just a small overview. 

Now, as I’ve found out, very few girls like this exist. Most girls my age (I am currently 20) have grown out of the tomboy phase. The ones who are, however, are already taken. Pretty much any girl that I’ve thought was perfect for me was either clearly not interested or taken. Now, I’ve tried dating sites before (OkCupid, as you suggested) and explicitly stated what kind of girl I’d like but unfortunately, I’ve had little to no luck. While it would be amazing to finally find that perfect girl, I can’t help but think that perhaps I’ve idealized her too much.

What do you think, Doctor? Have I idealized my perfect girl so much that I’ve made my standard impossibly high for any good girl to reach or should I hold out hope that I’ll fine my dream girl some day?

Put On A Pedestal

So, there’re a couple things to consider, POAP. I mean, what you describe wanting isn’t exactly definitional when it comes to being a “tomboy”. Honestly, sitting around and bullshitting for hours isn’t a masculine or feminine trait; that’s something that knows no gender, just personality type. So perhaps what you’re looking for has less to do with being a tomboy and more to do with just liking to talk. The difference may well be what you and she prefer to talk about. And if that’s the case… well, you’d do a better job if you don’t automatically assume that what more traditionally feminine presenting women talk about are less serious or stimulating than what you’d want to talk about.

But there’re a few things in your letter that suggest that maybe this goes a bit beyond looking for a stimulating conversational partner. Which is why I think the first thing to ask yourself is: are you looking for a girlfriend, or are you looking for a self-improvement project?

The second thing to ask is whether you’re choosing tomboys because you’re drawn to women with more masculine-coded qualities, or because you feel as though they’re more attainable and less intimidating than someone who’s more feminine?

Now I ask these things, because it’s going to make a pretty significant difference in who you’re actually compatible with and – importantly – whether you and they would actually be happy in a relationship.

To tackle the first question: a lot of guys, especially ones who have relatively little dating experience often find themselves attracted to women who they feel would make them different people. It’s the appeal of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl: a sexy woman who makes you the person you wish you were, but with blowjobs included. And while this is a nice fantasy… MPDGs aren’t real, and flesh-and-blood people aren’t out there hoping to foster folks while they do their self-improvement thing and then send them off to their Forever Relationships.

In the real world, there’re a host of problems with this. To start with, being the diametric opposite of the person you’re trying to date can lead to more problems, just through sheer personality conflicts. If, for example, you’re a dedicated introvert who prefers staying home or avoiding large gatherings, then you’re going to have a harder time dating an extroverted social butterfly. It’s not that an extrovert and introvert can’t make things work, but if you aren’t ready to make compromises – like being cool with them going off and doing the social thing when your batteries or drained, or their being cool with your dipping out when your reserves get low – then you’re upping the relationship difficulty factor by a lot.

A bigger issue, however, is the fact that your partners, no matter how wonderful they are, can’t bring anything out of you that isn’t already there. It’s one thing if you’re shy and your partner helps you feel secure and confident enough to come out of your shell, for example. But they can’t make you someone you’re not, and trying to do so will only frustrate and annoy the both of you.

Change has to come from within. If you want to work on your introverted nature, you’ll need to do that yourself, without a girlfriend acting like a Sherpa to you through the experience. You’ll want to get better at gauging your social energy, figuring out how to balance the expenditures with your need to recharge. A partner can’t do that for you, nor can she change that in you. And her trying to drag you out and about may feel good at first, but you’ll quickly discover how much it annoys you (and then frustrates you, then angers you, if you two don’t find an equilibrium that works for the two of you). And if she’s someone who legitimately wants to try to make you more extroverted and outgoing… well, that’s going to frustrate her when it doesn’t work.

This is why the first thing I would suggest is to make yourself the person you’d want to date – that is, if you’re hoping that a relationship is going to make you a different person, or you want a partner who’s qualities will transfer to you… focus on cultivating those qualities in yourself instead of looking outside for them.

This, incidentally ties into the second question I had for you: are you sure that you want tomboys because you’re attracted to women who have a more masculine-coded energy and vibe, or because you feel like dating them would be an easier lift?

If it’s the former, then hey, introspection done, go out and find yourself the motor mechanic maiden of your dreams. But if it’s the latter… well, that’s going to also be a problem. If your interest in them is more about their being less intimidating or thinking that they’ll be more into you than a traditionally femme woman would be, then you’re setting yourself up for a deeply uncomfortable situation.

A lot of times, people (men, women and non-binary folks; this crosses all genders and sexualities) who date this way – looking for a less intimidating, more attainable partner – often find themselves dissatisfied with their relationships. As the initial NRE starts to wear off, they often find that they wish their partners were just a little different. Maybe they could be a bit more refined, a bit more gender-conforming, a bit more… traditional, one might say.

But for the person on the receiving end of that treatment, it’s kinda dehumanizing. You’re being asked to change bits of yourself, sand off the unwanted areas, change these other things until you’re no longer who you actually are, and now you’re spending your time trying to be somebody else’s fantasy version of you, instead of your authentic self. And that’s an awful thing to feel or experience. And if you’re someone who goes along with it, it can take a lot of time to get back to who you were, instead of someone else’s vision.

Now to be clear: I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing or hoping to do. Nor, for that matter, am I saying that you’re a bad person for possibly wanting those things. What I am saying is that you should interrogate those interests and your type and figure out if that’s what you actually want in a partner, or in yourself. 

It’s also worth noting: just because someone seems girly or traditionally femme-presenting doesn’t mean that she can’t have a more masculine streak to her, or that a less feminine woman can’t also dig femme-coded activities or interests. There’re plenty of women who’re fully capable of both.

If you do this self-exploration and do come to the conclusion that you prefer a woman who has a more masculine energy to her, then have no fear: they do exist. However, to find them, you’re going to have to start looking for the women who’re out doing those more male-coded activities – however you’re defining them. Work backwards from the position of “ok, so this is what my ideal match would be into”, then find the places where people who are into those activities are most likely to gather and become a regular in those spaces.

If you’re hoping to find someone who’s outdoorsy and adventurous, then it’s time to start getting out to the country, or joining hiking groups or other outdoor activities. If you want someone who likes working with her hands, then you’ll want to look to maker spaces or places where the more mechanically inclined are going to gather.

But again, I have to stress: these need to be organic to who you already are or what you’re into. If you’re hoping to find a woman who loves working on motorcycles, but you’re not into them yourself? You’re going to have a much harder time connecting with her than you would if you find someone who shares similar interests to you. And if it really is a matter of finding more feminine-presenting women to be more intimidating… well, that’s going to be something that you have to change in yourself by becoming more secure and confident in who you are and your own value.

So TL;DR: make sure you know what you actually want, and that you’re not basing your “type” on things besides actual compatibility. If it’s more about your being a better person? Then start with your relationship with yourself; this way you won’t deal with heartbreak and failed relationships while you learn that what you want and what you need are two very different things.

Good luck.