Effort or Lack Thereof… | the Urban Dater

Boys ghost, o/r bomb, whatever the terms are these days. Grown-assed adults don’t link up or should be a sneaky link.

S’up, WYD, Hey... If you are guilty of doing these things sounds like you didn’t heal and are still harboring some kind of past relationship drama, or are still hiding people in your present life because you don’t want your ex to find out, deal with your shit! Exes are just that for a reason.

Why do their opinions still matter to you?

They matter because you aren’t over the fact that things are over between the two of you or a part of you is still holding on with a glimpse of hope that the two of you will get back together. This wishy-washy behavior only makes you look like a douche in the first place.

Get ahold of your shit before trying to involve someone else in your life.

Stay off of the dating sites.

Stop making excuses and own your shit.

Make time, put in the effort, and text back.

Or at least have the balls, to be honest, and transparent.

You don’t deserve the best of both worlds when you play with others people’s emotions.

We are not disposable; dating apps are setting this tone. Too many options, never making a strong connection, same people on every app. Boredom, loneliness, what have you. And fuck the breadcrumbing… I refuse to be an option.

I am the main character of MY life!

If you have other intentions, other side pieces, still hooked on an ex, you still struggle with having your own life and still caring what people will think? Move the fuck along…..

Chivalry is dead these days.

I’ve yet to meet a man willing to put in the effort and consistency. Yet to separate a man from these boys. Yet to find a guy mature enough to be emotionally stable.

As much as I love sex, it’s not worth the self-respect, I too have done this, I too am not an angel, but I communicate. I’ve hooked up out of curiosity and boredom. But never have I had to hide the person. And never have I been so wrapped up in what other people think. This is my life, my choices, my decisions; I never worried about what others thought. Like me or hate me either way, I own my shit.

I may not make the best choices, but that is on me. I know exactly what I have to offer.

Don’t dull my sparkle; keep up or get left behind. Be constant or never mind.

Make your intentions known, for fuck sake, answer your texts; you are constantly glued to your phones… Busy is not an excuse.

It’s a cushy term people got accustomed to using because the truth may hurt.

Don’t waste my time. There are good men out there; I don’t doubt that, same as women.

People, in general, it’s these wishy-washy ones that are setting them up to fail. Not everyone is the same, yet again I wish technology never existed; back in the day, we had to make the effort, and go the extra mile. Dating apps have made us lazy, and not everything is as it seems.

You can have the best texting conversations, but in real life, don’t click. People aren’t as approachable these days. Take me back to the chase. The seeing that person in front of you and approaching them, shooting your shot, getting to know them, spending quality time in real-time. Why are we settling for less these days… When did we change our patterns? To my fellow Gen-Xers: Why aren’t we staying true?

We grew up in a time when effort was needed. I want to go back to my roots…

When you meet the right guy, you’ll just know it, right? That’s what we’ve always been told.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could avoid heartbreak and bad relationships, and uncertainty because we’d automatically know? Sometimes we know the truth but we don’t pay attention; something else distracting us (maybe his penis size or how amazing of a kisser he is) that we tend not to read more into him and ignore the red flags.

Sometimes, it’s not all so cut and dry. It’s very confusing to know if the guy you meet will be forever. What if your feelings just haven’t gotten there yet? What if you dump this guy and end up regretting it? Sometimes you need to spend more time. Invest a little more. Sometimes it’s not instant.

A relationship based on sex and one based on love are totally different; one with both is ideal. The kind of guy who wants substance should be able to see you at your worst. A guy who’s here, for now, can barely be bothered with a text or is breadcrumbing you. You want to be with a man who thinks of you the minute he wakes up. He never leaves you guessing or doubting his intentions. A guy who doesn’t only call you when he is drunk but texts to check-in. He is a guy who is upfront about his feelings.

A true sign of a lasting relationship isn’t a lack of arguments; it’s knowing how to resolve those inevitable ones.

Mr. Right Now has one foot out the door, still swiping right, still keeping you at a distance. Mr. Right takes the initiative and makes future plans to spend time with you. Mr. Right Now keeps his options open. In contrast, Mr. Right will make you a priority. Sharing even the littlest moments. Open communication and open hearts, not just a romp in the sack. Mr. Right won’t bring up other women. He only has eyes for you. He won’t compare you to his exes. Mr. Right Now won’t care if you walk away; he already has someone else on standby.

The difference between a failing relationship and your forever relationship is how you handle conflict together or so I have been told anyway.

I am far from a relationship expert, but I know deep down that my previous relationships didn’t pan out because my heart knew they weren’t the ones. My forever is still out there. My heart will know when it’s true. Dating sucks. Life gets busy. It’s about creating balance. Hold nothing back. Go all in. Love takes time but it will be worth it and that I am banking on.

To my girls… especially the single ones… If we could find a guy who values us like we value each other, treats us like we do each other, and makes our lives a little brighter. I wish guys can see us like we see each other, our perfectly imperfect selves. I love you..and if you are in my life, you will never have to doubt my intentions. We are friends for life!! As long as we have each other, we will be ok!!

Why is it so hard to make connections? We are not teenagers anymore. Being single in my 40’s has been an eye-opener. While navigating the online world of dating sites, basing our potential partners on a few words and some pictures. Still single, What does that mean? Many people will have a different answer.

Every person has an opinion or a valid reason. One thing is that being single doesn’t mean that you are unlikeable or that anything is wrong with you. In a world of technology, we are missing connections. While swiping continuously or so absorbed in our socials, we are missing what’s right in front of us, a world apart from our screens, a world that existed long before dating apps. I don’t trust relationship experts that are not in a relationship themselves.

They can spew out all this “knowledge” but not use it to their own advantage. I have given some of their advice a try and have come up short; so these methods don’t work for everyone; not the same formula or equation applies to every person; we are all different. Is it ideal? It takes minimal effort to log on; you could be sitting there like I am right now in my pajamas, sporting bedhead, make-up free, and in the comfort of home. When you feel like you have nothing in common, you unmatch, not break up. The person is getting a little too weird; you block them, not seek out a restraining order. You swiped right. They didn’t; no big deal!

Dating apps are making us lazy. Also, if date one doesn’t go well, you can come back and talk to other matches, still converse with other people, still play the field, still weigh your options, and still go on multiple dates. (Well I don’t dare) More possible options. Texting that is going nowhere but just passing the time, or in other words; textationships. Dating these days starts with a text and usually ends with one.

Questions that make me feel I am being interviewed or a contestant on a game show or auditioning for a XXX movie. The same questions over and over; it’s getting stale. Multiple men blow up my phone throughout the day. To be honest, it is really hard to keep up. I almost feel like adding them all to a group chat, so no repetition is needed. Then categorize them based on their dick pics. Why are some men so fascinated by their dicks? Some full-on masturbating, so proud. I’m not offended by dick pics; realistically, it shows me the goods before we proceed. But in the same sense leaves nothing to the imagination. I have met some, and there was no connection when we meet, no initial spark that makes me want to proceed. Texting was so much better. I have also unintentionally caught feelings for someone too. Next time that happens, please stab me in the heart and duct tape my vagina closed. I thought it stung more when I was younger, but I was wrong.

Now we seem like mere strangers. When once I gave him all of me. It’s because, at this age, my days of hooking up need to come to an end. It’s time my heart finds that one guy who walks into my life and feels like he has belonged there this whole time. A man who makes me his last swipe right. Effort turns me on more, a guy that has his shit together, is strong but soft, someone who knows exactly what he wants and doesn’t leave you guessing or second-guessing his intentions or interest, someone who takes initiative. Now that really makes me wet! Who will I chat with tonight to kill an hour?

Change your pattern; things didn’t work out in the past. Take a different approach. Be real, be honest, be vulnerable, be genuine, but most of all, be yourself.

I’ve learned that people don’t talk on the phone. That conversation is a thing of the past. I want a real guy, a real connection, someone willing to take that leap to learn more about me and vice versa. A guy willing to see if it goes anywhere, to put in the effort, no uncertainty, no breadcrumbing, fuck this small talk bullshit. Good morning how are you? Wash, rinse, repeat. Dry conversation, just to breadcrumb. Yes, sexting can be fun, but dick pics are getting tiresome. To the point where I don’t know what the guy physically looks like anymore. We are a resilient and resourceful species, which is why bored and aroused people have turned to sexting. Which I have been guilty of.

I get it; being single in a worldwide pandemic is challenging, but if your only intention for being on a dating site is to see breasts and jerk off, then I suggest you watch porn instead. Video chats, virtual sex. How many times a day are these guys jerking off? To the guys who state that they want a serious relationship but are emotionally unstable and second guess their intentions, before you lead someone on, I suggest you erase your profile, take a long hard pause and be extra clear, extra sure before making contact. Make your intentions crystal clear, if you are looking for a hookup, and want nothing more than just casual sex or someone to keep around for convenience, if you have mixed feelings or uncertainty, you need to verbally communicate this. We are not mind readers. Sometimes we develop feelings that we never had any intentions of having.

I know what I want. My shit is together; I know what I bring to the metaphorical table. Man up, step up, and game over. People are scared to get their hearts broken, but if you’re just on a dating website to like somebody’s picture and you’re not going to take a chance and at the least chat, what the hell are you doing?

Not everyone you meet will hurt you. Everyone on a dating site has dealt with some kind of heartbreak. Yet here we all are still swiping. Not everyone you meet will check all the boxes, either. In a world of uncertainty, it’s better to live and learn. I get being lonely. But I best be single than ever to lead someone on. We are human, and yes, we may develop feelings that freak us out, leaving us to get in our heads, panic, pull back, ghost, breadcrumb, and second guess our every move. Join Instagram join Facebook, and don’t join a dating website. I want that butterfly feeling you get in the pit of your stomach. But here we all are, basing people on empty words and pictures. Constantly swiping left, sometimes right. I don’t want a cyber buddy. I want to feel your body against mine, not play with myself. I want intimacy at its finest. If another guy tells me that I have nice lips, bedroom eyes, and nice breasts and wonders what I would taste like. Or how my mouth would feel on his dick…I may just vomit. Believe me; if we met and there was a connection, you wouldn’t need to ask or guess, but if it turns you on thinking of that, then have at it!

If I am being honest, I have had no complaints… also it would feel very good. I’m old school; I love spoken words, real conversation, eye contact, facial expressions, physical touch, intimacy, and yes, sex, lots of sex. Not sure about this catalog shopping; people are often not who they seem. Not looking for a pen pal; if we click, let’s meet!

Whatever happened to playing for keeps?