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Dear Evan,
Your blogs and advice has definitely changed my life into a positive direction in regards to relationships, understanding men and myself. I just have to say I’m very grateful for the knowledge about relationships, men, dating, communication etc., that you have shared. Thank you so much!!
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. He’s a personal trainer and manages his own personal training business, so his purpose in life is based on health and fitness. He’s told me the majority of women that he has dated/prefer have been “fit”- flat stomach, abs, etc. I on the other hand, am fit, 130lbs, 5’5, I believe I have a great body (great legs, arms etc.) except that I have some fat in my stomach. My stomach is not flat and I hardly have abs. He says I’m beautiful, I have nice legs and that I’m fit but I still need to lose some fat.
When we have sex I keep my shirt on because of the fat I have in my stomach and he says for now it’s a good thing to keep it on because he may get turned off, he says keeping it on will motivate me to lose weight but at the same time he supports me on my weight loss. He says he’s not going to just end the relationship because of my weight but losing weight will increase his sexual attraction to me. He doesn’t even prefer seeing me in a bathing suit and says he gets turned off, which does hurt and he’s aware of that and has empathy towards me and I appreciate his honesty.
I understand his purpose is health and fitness but is it wrong to be with a man where I don’t feel comfortable being naked around, who doesn’t prefer seeing my stomach, who prefers that I keep a shirt on during sex but at the same time supports me losing weight? He does give me nutrition advice and sometimes I’m afraid to eat a cookie around him because he’ll think I’m not serious about losing weight. I understand he’s a fitness trainer and a fitness trainer would most likely want a woman with a nice physique but I just feel like it’s wrong to not feel comfortable being naked around your boyfriend or accepted when naked. What is your opinion on this?
I appreciate you taking time to read and offer your advice.
Amanda
This makes me furious.
Furious at him for being such an insensitive dick.
Furious at you for not even realizing that you’re dating an insensitive dick.
So listen up, and listen good:
You’re not his project.
You’re an independent woman of normal proportions.
You may want to lose weight for your own purposes.
I know, I know: Your boyfriend is into fitness. He’s “just being honest.”
Your boyfriend may even be a useful tool (word carefully chosen) to help you in that process.
But his demeaning treatment of you is completely unacceptable.
Love is about relaxing and being yourself, you cannot relax or be yourself if you are afraid of being judged or dumped.
I know, I know: Your boyfriend is into fitness. He’s “just being honest.”
But insulting your body and insisting you keep your shirt on during sex so he’s not turned off is completely different than not agreeing that you look like Angelina Jolie. And you should absolutely, positively, not spend one more second in this kind of relationship.
I know it’s a lot easier for me to say than for you to do, but here’s the quick script:
“Hey, Dick (I’m presuming his name is Dick),
I just wanted to tell you that I’ve been thinking a lot about the things you’ve said about my body. The way you always make me feel insecure. The way you always tell me to keep my shirt on during sex so you won’t lose your attraction to me. The way you seemingly threaten to break up with me because I don’t look like a personal trainer. I understand that fitness is important to you. But you know what’s important to me? Unconditional love and acceptance. I don’t want to walk on eggshells if I have a Coke or eat a cookie or order a steak. I don’t want to feel shame when I take a shower in front of you, or go in the pool with you, or undress during sex.
And so there’s nothing left for us to discuss here. You go find a woman whose body you don’t have to micromanage. I will find a man who accepts me as I am. For what it’s worth, I think I’m going to have a far easier time than you will.
Goodbye, and don’t contact me any longer. I only like to associate with people who make me feel good, not people who tear me down. No hard feelings, but I don’t have any room in my life for people like you.”
How about you dump his ass so you can both find what you’re looking for?
He will stammer. He will flail. He will apologize. He will backpedal. He will say he’ll never do it again. And you will not believe him.
He is a shallow and narcissistic personal trainer looking to mold you into his clone.
You are a normal woman looking for love and complete acceptance.
How about you dump his ass so you can both find what you’re looking for?
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