First Meeting With A Guy I Met Online

I met someone online and he lives 900 miles away. He’d like me to visit and is willing to pay for my plane ticket and stay in his guest room. I have creeped on his Facebook page and it doesn’t seem fishy — nor does he seem fishy. We text every day throughout the day and speak on the phone twice a week. He’d like to talk everyday but my work schedule and the time difference have not allowed more phone conversations. This has gone on for 3 weeks. My head says it’s crazy to go visit him, but my heart says otherwise. And one of the reasons I’ve continued communicating with him is because I was already thinking of moving to his area in the next 2-3 years. How do you know in situations like this when it’s ok to visit someone out of state when meeting for the first time?

Thanks,
Michelle

Dear Michelle,

One of the hardest parts of giving advice is that there is no such thing as one-size-fits all advice. In other words, anything I tell you can easily be shot down by another woman to whom the advice doesn’t apply. Hell, I can shoot down all my own advice just as easily. And yet, a question demands an answer.

Predictably, my answer is a reflection of my larger worldview.

Whether you believe it or not, there is a guy in your city who is JUST as great as this guy… you just haven’t met him yet.

First, I’m not a fan of LDR’s. Although my sister married a man she met online (she lived in NY and he lived in SF), I am, in general, against long-distance relationships for one primary reason:

They add a degree of difficulty to the dating/relationship process that is entirely unnecessary. Don’t you think dating is tricky enough without one person having to relocate? Don’t you think relationships are hard enough to get off the ground when you only live 10 minutes away? You bet. Whether you believe it or not, there is a guy in your city who is JUST as great as this guy… you just haven’t met him yet.

Next, I am a believer that men should court women — which means making the primary effort in the early phases of dating until an exclusive relationship has been established. In my opinion, it’s his job to call you, plan the date, pick up the check and follow up again to see you again. So why would YOU go to HIM to meet for the first time?

Furthermore, most women I know won’t lift a finger to buy their own Starbucks if it’s a first date. You’re gonna shell out $450 for a flight? Seems like an expensive and risky proposition for you when he can just as easily get on a plane himself. Understand, I don’t judge you. I have flown to the East Coast to meet women. I have had women fly from the East Coast to meet me. But I will tell you this: I flew to the East Coast to meet a woman I was REALLY interested in. The woman who flew out to meet me? Not so much. If she asked me to pay for a flight to visit her, I probably would have skipped out entirely.

In other words, to some degree, how much time/effort/energy/money a guy puts into courtship is a larger indicator of how interested he is. Not always. In general.

If he doesn’t have to do anything except text you and wait for you to show up, he has NOTHING to lose and everything to gain by you making the effort.

Put another way: if he doesn’t have to do anything except text you and wait for you to show up to sleep in his “guest room,” he has NOTHING to lose and everything to gain by you making the effort.

It’s not “crazy” to get on a flight to have sex with a stranger. It’s also not remotely indicative as to whether he’s truly interested in you. Allow him to make the effort for you, and if you like him enough on that first weekend when he’s staying at the hotel near your house, THEN you can visit him on your second outing (presuming he calls all the time and follows up the way a boyfriend should).