Has My “Perfect” Relationship Turned Toxic?

Estimated reading time: 13 minutes

Doctor’s Note: We’re continuing our look back with Ask Dr. NerdLove – Revised, as we look back at some questions from the earliest days of the column, answer them from a 2023 perspective and see what – if anything – has changed in the intervening years.

This question was originally answered on September 8, 2011

Dear Dr. NerdLove: I’m the nice guy, and I managed to score an amazing girlfriend. Just a few quick notes about me: I don’t watch porn, I don’t enjoy it. I’m about as monogamous as you can get, and when I’m in a relationship, that’s who I focus on. To put it in perspective, I’m about as much of a chick as you can get from a guy on relationships.

Anyways, I’ve been with this girl for a year and a few months. We’re both super geeky together, and it is fantastic. About 95% of the time.

The question is, how much maintenance is too much maintenance?

Basically when it’s good, it’s amazing. We have everything in common, we share the same interests, we can do everything together, and sex is super fun.

However every other week she goes through a mood swing. It is irregular, and almost anything can trigger it. We could be watching a movie, and if an actress gets naked, there’s a good chance she will sulk about it. This is usually followed by questioning me on whether I find the actress more attractive than her.

Everything we do is like walking through a mine field. If It looks like I’m checking someone out, she is miserable about it. A girl adds me on Facebook, or messages me on my wall, I hear about it.

So I ask this after a big fight where she has reached over a year back to accuse me of shit, and to complain I’m hiding stuff from her. From over a year ago. What the hell do I do? Keeping in mind she admits to having been diagnosed with and suffering from clinical depression.

I know the obvious answer, which is to break up. Is there a better answer than just “find someone less complicated”?

Relationship Maintenance Technician

Ok, I preface this with the acknowledgement that it’s a minor and even petty thing but… my dude, I realize you’re young, but referring to yourself as “the chick in this relationship” isn’t the healthiest mindset, especially when the qualities you’re referring to are… being monogamous and spending quality time and effort with your partner.

I get why you bring this up, in context of your letter, but the framing of it is gonna be like a popcorn hull stuck between my teeth. It’s a seemingly small thing, but it’s part of a subtle reinforcing the idea that “not being a shithead to my partner” is somehow a gendered trait and one that men lack.

But enough of my nit-picking, let’s deal with the actual issue.

This is a classic example of a “Big But Problem” – someone writes in and starts with how amazing their relationship is… and then drops a “but” so large that Sir Mix-A-Lot is sliding into the DMs.

Case in point RMT: 95% of the time your relationship is great… BUT every other week you have to deal with the constant accusations, the tantrums and the fights where things that happened years ago are excavated and brought to light like she’s supplying the British Museum.

Never knowing if your partner’s going to accuse you of cheating or pick a fight because someone takes their clothes off on a TV show or movie or if you make a new female friend is a hell of a thing to hang a caveat on, my dude. The fact that you feel like you’re constantly walking through mine fields with your partner is a pretty good sign that this is not a good relationship. Yes, the sex is great and when she’s in a good mood, things are wonderful… but you can never be sure how or when that mood’s going to shift or what’s going to trigger it.

Now, when the relationship is new and the NRE is surging, the dopamine and the oxytocin are at their peak and the sex with her is new and novel… yeah, sometimes you can overlook the occasional disagreements as just “that’s what makes her unique”. But that 95% good/ 5% bad ratio you mention? That’s gonna change over time – especially if nothing is done.

First, you’re going to find that the landmines seem to be multiplying and the fights become more frequent as the relationship progresses. Things that didn’t seem to be a problem will now cause arguments, things that you thought were resolved will be thrown back in your face and things that were just arguments before will become full-bore fights and shouting matches.

Second, you’re going to notice that your ability to brush them aside as the price of entry to the ‘good’ parts of the relationship will decrease. Not only will the good not be as good, but you’ll start noticing that maybe the good wasn’t making up for the bad in the first place. Maybe you were choosing to ignore the parts that were making you upset, that were worrying your friends and causing you to withdraw more and more so that you didn’t accidentally hit your girlfriend’s triggers because hey, great sex… except the great sex didn’t change how the rest was making you feel, it just made it easier for you to pretend you weren’t as hurt or affected by these moments of conflict. 

I suspect that, if you were to go to your friends and ask them, they’d tell you that they noticed a change in you as the relationship’s gone on. Going by some of my own experiences with toxic relationships, I’d be willing to lay a not-insignificant amount of money that they can see mood swings in you – that your good moods don’t last as long as they used to, that you seem a lot more down more often, especially when your girlfriend’s involved.

I think you’re in a bad place with your relationship, RMT, and I think it’s only going to get worse for you. This is pretty toxic behavior on her part. Yes, into every relationship a little discord will fall; if you have two or more people, you’re going to have moments where your needs or desires will conflict with one another. But there’s a difference between competing wants or needs or hurt feelings or miscommunications, and the feeling like you’re always tiptoeing through an area that may or may not be an active minefield.

That’s not great, my dude. And the fact that she’s starting to police your friends and other relationships is an indication of where this will go. I am here from the future to tell you that this is going to lead to more isolation from your friends, more control over who does and doesn’t have access to you and what you are and aren’t “allowed” to do because “you know how it makes her feel”.

Here’s the thing: I don’t think your girlfriend is deliberately being abusive. I don’t think that she’s rubbing her hands together like a cartoon villain and twirling a mustache over her evil scheme. But what she is doing is making her moods, her jealousies and insecurities your problem and demanding that you manage her emotions for her. She is demanding that you live your life to her specs, in order for her to not have to deal with her anxieties or jealousies.

You say she has been diagnosed for depression. OK, that’s fine, and I have empathy for her over that. Depression is a motherfucker and a liar and you have to deal with what sounds like your own voice dripping poison in your ear. But having depression – or other issues with one’s emotional or mental health, for that matter – doesn’t excuse shitty behavior. She hasn’t been possessed by a foreign entity, she’s making choices to behave the way she does. They may be poor choices and informed by her depression, but they’re still choices.

I say all of this because it’s important that you recognize the trajectory this relationship is potentially on, and you need to decide what to do about it. In an ideal world, you can lay down some boundaries – make it clear that interrogating you about who you find attractive, policing your friendships, etc. are unacceptable – and prioritize handling conflicts and disagreements so that problems are actually resolved instead of being hoarded like a passive-aggressive squirrel storing hate-nuts for the winter. Just as hopefully you could persuade her to seek treatment for her depression and the self-esteem issues that seem to be triggers for her, and she’d actually put in the work. In that world, this would mean that this would just be a rough patch in your relationship, but one that you were both able to overcome and be the stronger for it on the other side.

But I’d be lying if I didn’t think that you should be putting some serious thought into whether you want to stay on this ride. Ask yourself: how long are you willing to put up with this without some significant progress from her? If things remain exactly the same, are you willing to put up with this for another month? Another six months? Another year?

Now to be clear: I think you should be establishing those boundaries, regardless. Whether you’re with your girlfriend or with someone else in the future, having and enforcing strong boundaries are a vital part of having strong and healthy relationships. This is a habit you should start immediately and put into practice until they become muscle memory. But if I’m being honest, I think the act of establishing boundaries and refusing to engage over long-resolved fights will speed the end of this relationship for you. And frankly, I think that’s probably a good thing.

As I’ve said before, you don’t have to be in perfect mental or emotional shape to date or be in relationships, but you do have to be in good working order. Even if the depression is somehow the cause, the fact remains that the way she treats you is disrespectful at best and actively harmful at worst, and you deserve better than that.

While I know you care for her, you have to care for yourself more. You can’t make her get better or get over her issues for her, and no amount of concessions or changes on your part are going to fix things for her. There’s a reason why we say “be sure to make sure your own oxygen mask is securely fastened before helping others with theirs”. Sticking around with her is going to hurt you in the process, and that’s not fair to you. Nor for that matter will it help her; all that staying would mean is that you’re letting yourself be hurt for no reason and to nobody’s benefit.

So, TL;DR: this is a bad scene my dude. This isn’t about finding someone “less complicated”, this is about someone who’s treating you badly. It may be because of her depression or it may not be, but the fact remains that this is harmful behavior, and the good you’re getting out of it isn’t going to keep you from being harmed.

Boundaries are going to be important, with her and with your future partners, and I strongly encourage you to establish and maintain them. But I think its time for you to recognize that this relationship is functionally over. Maybe if she does some serious change and sustained improvement change, you two can circle back around down the line and see where you are. But as things currently stand? This is only going to get worse for you. You can care for her and honor what you had… but the healthiest option for the both of you is for you to end things.

Good luck.

This letter was originally answered on September 15, 2011

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I have an odd predicament. I don’t blame you if you can’t give me advice.   I have no problem speaking to women. I, on normal occasions, have confidence oozing out my pores. The local women tend to like me considering young guys like me are a rare commodity where I live.

But there is one thing holding me back from having a relationship with a girl. I am not, exactly, packing heat downstairs if you know what I mean. I probably got some ‘small dick disease’ or something. Sorry, if I’m a little crude.(no pun intended) It really holds me back. I was hoping you could advise me on how to overcome this situation of mine. 

Thanks,

Short Stop

Here’s a fun fact: most folks have no idea what an average-sized penis looks like, either erect or flaccid. Even when you show them an array of cocks and ask people to identify which are average sized or not, most people will guess wrong. We can blame it on porn, where large cocks are selected for because of how they look on screen, we can blame it on the state of sex education or old-fashioned toxic and restrictive ideas about manhood and masculinity, but a large number of men have distorted ideas of what “average” is when it comes to penis size, and tend to assume that it’s bigger than reality. 

Unless you have what’s known as a micropenis – that is, a penis that’s less than 3 inches when erect – then your relative length or girth isn’t going to be that unusual. And even then, while anomalous, they’re not the end of the world for folks who have ’em.

Just as importantly though, SS, your dick size isn’t really an issue for anything besides your pride. One of the misconceptions a lot of guys have is that dick size correlates to their partner’s pleasure and orgasms during sex, and that’s just not the case. In fact, when we’re talking about heterosexual partnered sex, most women – upwards of 75% – can’t orgasm from penetration alone. They need direct clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm, and a dude’s dick isn’t going to do that, regardless of how large it may be. In fact, a large dick is more likely to be uncomfortable, especially if its hitting up against a cervix or so girthy that penetration becomes more akin to a friction burn.

While a big dick looks great on camera, in practice… well, in practice it’s not the “that’s some GOOD fuckin’” guarantee that a lot of guys think it is. In fact, a lot of women report that guys with larger-than-average cocks tend to be worse in bed; they think that having a big penis is all they need and and just pound away like fleshy jackhammers.

While there are folks out there who are size queens/kings, they tend to be the exception rather than the rule. And, I might point out that vaginas – like penises – come in different lengths and widths; what may look below average to you may be a perfect fit to your partner.

But honestly, you don’t need to feel less confident because you’re not the second coming (er… as it were) or John Holmes, SS. Instead of worrying about what you do or don’t have – as a grower or a shower – focus on what actually makes you a hit in bed – deprioritizing penetration as the end-all/be-all of sex and getting good at oral sex and manual stimulation. A large penis is visually impressive, but women are going to be far more intrigued by a dude who can lick his eyebrows and breathe through his ears. 

It’s also worth noting that if you do have a smaller than average penis – whether officially a micro-peen or not – you can always buy a bigger one. Insertion toys come in a wide variety of sizes and shapes, and being the guy who isn’t afraid of bringing sex toys into bed with you will make you stand out from the pack in a good way. And beyond the standard arrays of dildos and vibrators, there are also insertion toys that you fit directly over your own penis; you can hump away with the wang of your dreams if your partner wants or needs that “feeling filled up” sensation.

But as an aside, an ex of mine has waxed rhapsodic about one of her past lovers who did have a micropenis, and also confidence simply radiating out of him. He was in great demand amongst her and her friends because, as she put it, “his head game will make you see God”.

So at the risk of cliche, SS, it really is about how you use it… and your hands and your mouth and thighs and so on. Penetration is great for folks with penises and prostates, but it’s not the endgame. Get your head game on point, learn how to use your hands and get comfortable with sex toys and you’re going to have a very full dance card… and a string of partners who’d cheerfully brag about you to their friends.

Good luck.