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I’ve been dating someone seriously for over a year. We were acquaintances for 5 years until we became best of friends and eventually started dating. He moved in pretty quickly and everything was going great minus the occasional setback. 8 months into our relationship, I got pregnant. We are both in our early 30s, live in a beautiful apartment, he owns a business and makes very good money and I have a bundle of savings. I wanted the baby and he wanted to plan our lives better so we terminated the pregnancy. I started to ask him about marriage and commitment and I wasn’t getting a straight answer. He’d say things like “I am happy with the way things are going” and “we need to get to know each other more and I cannot be pressured but it will happen.” I was growing frustrated.
Then, while on birth control, I got pregnant for the second time a couple of months later. I took it as a sign and told him I was keeping it. He said things to me like how I should move into my mother’s house and he would move back into his old place, I used him to get pregnant and how our he’d be there as a father but our relationship is negotiable. His comments shocked me because he never spoke to me this way. For 8 weeks we fought and I eventually had another abortion and told him to move out. He moved out and I found out he was venting to a friend about my pregnancy in a negative way. It killed me but I missed him and have been trying to get back together. His response to my begging was “I need to heal independently” and “you made a decision so we need to stick to it.” I am not proud of it but I invited him to spend the night. We slept together and I continued to beg him to come back to me. He didn’t really give me an answer and kept saying “let’s talk about it later”.
Here’s my question…do I dump him because of the way he acted when he thought I was keeping the baby or stay with him and give him the benefit of doubt? He wants to plan better and have a more solid foundation before having a child. I get it but I am his third girlfriend who has gone through an abortion because he wasn’t ready. He’s a very decent person but this selfish side has me so confused! Please help!!
Nadine
I can see why you’re confused, Nadine, however your situation isn’t that confusing.
Your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you, nor does he want to be the father of your children. I don’t have to ask him this in person. His actions make it abundantly clear.
What you – and lots of other women often to fail to internalize – is that the actions should speak for themselves, yet they get swept under the rug by a host of emotions.
Women in situations like yours (terrible partner, afraid to let go) cling to the same things you do as justifications as to why you should give him the benefit of the doubt.
We were best friends.
He is successful and we have savings.
We moved in real fast.
All of this is irrelevant to your current dilemma but you’re treating this as evidence that your history or his credentials somehow justifies his behavior. It doesn’t.
The guy who beats his wife told her he loved her at one point. Do you really think that matters when assessing what he’s done since?
You may think I’ve gone too far with the comparison. I haven’t.
Listen to the bullshit you’ve put up with – in your words:
After you terminated your first pregnancy because he wasn’t ready – which is actually fair – you got pregnant for a second time.
My issue is how he handled things afterwards – with coldness and cruelty.
Again, he’s not wrong for not wanting to have a baby against his will or be pressured to marry you before he’s ready. He is as entitled to those feelings as you are entitled to make a choice about your own body and have a baby even when he’s not on board.
My issue is how he handled things afterwards – with coldness and cruelty.
He told you to move out. He accused you of using him to get pregnant. You had a second abortion and he didn’t comfort you through that emotional process.
Unbeknownst to you, he was demonstrating what a shitty husband he’d be.
You, naturally, invited him to spend the night and get back together with you.
Wisely, he said he’d think about it. And here you are, wondering whether you should give this guy a chance as your husband and the father of your children?
Was there ANY point in this story where he was kind? Patient? Sensitive? Thoughtful? Put your feelings first? Showed that he’d be a giving and willing partner? Demonstrated the kind of character you’d want to pass along to your children?
You may say he’s a decent person but his treatment of you (as well as his track record – THREE girlfriends with aborted children) leads me to believe that he’s doing you a great favor by bailing on you now.
Be glad he showed you his true colors and that you did not bring a child into this world with this man – and the next time you have a boyfriend, do me a favor: go slower, don’t get pregnant until you’re married, and pay attention to his kindness, communication and character before you get engaged. Good luck.
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