Help, I Find People Exhausting! What Do I Do?

Estimated reading time: 12 minutes

Hi Doc,

My question concerns all kinds of relationships, friends and romantic partners alike.

I keep noticing that people tend to get too much for me whenever a close and regular contact establishes. I feel pressure when I get the impression that I am expected to contribute a certain amount of time or mental/emotional bandwidth. And people’s quirks start getting on my nerves pretty fast. Close friends of mine (a family of 5) recently moved to my area and I was SO excited about being around them and really wanted to be involved in the care of those kids. But after a few month I often find the kids loud and selfish and the dad’s political views tiring and the granddad overbearing and I notice I’m pulling back.

On the other hand I live alone at nearly 30 and I do get lonely and have a yearning for a close community (probably romanticising it quite a bit). I don’t even make friends that easy and new people stress me out but it seems like I feel at my best in that middle ground where a connection is there but not too close.

I do have an primary partner of 10 years who is long distance and I do wish he was close by but I also suspect we wouldn’t last half a year in the same flat. At least this is an arrangement (along with being ethically non-monogamous) that seems to work quite well. I do show the same behaviour with new romantic partners too, though.

Will I always have to live alone? Am I doing Being A Social Animal wrong? I feel like I am a terrible person as I am annoyed by my friends a lot and want to get away when they feel like they can rely on me.

Thanks

I Wish To Not Be Perceived

OK, here’s where I step headlong into the introvert/extrovert discourse and probably annoy a whole lot of people.

One of the things about introversion and extroversion is that they’re ultimately about how you gain and expend energy; introverts gain energy when they’re alone and expend it around other people. Extroverts are the opposite; they feel more energized and alive when they’re around people and feel drained when they’re by themselves.

But, in my experience, both introversion and extroversion are like a muscle; you improve them (or at least, mitigate the drain) through use. Not, mind you, that spending a lot of time in a crowd (or on solitary pursuits) will turn an introvert into an extrovert or vice versa, so much as you learn to better manage how you’re expending that energy and how to expend it more efficiently, without exhausting yourself in the process.

The problem is that, as with so many labels, they almost become identities, and thus become almost excuses. Introverts, especially, tend to be prone to self-isolation, which ultimately tends to be self-reinforcing. After all, the more time you spend away from people, the less practice you have in managing your energy levels around them.

Now part of this is simply about planning; getting a few minutes alone if you’re an introvert at a gathering, finding opportunities to be around people if you’re a solitary extrovert. But some of it is about paying attention to when, how and why you’re feeling drained.

That’s something I think that might be useful in your case, IWNTBP. You mention, for example, that you feel pressure to
“contribute a certain amount of mental/emotional bandwidth”. This sounds like it’s almost self-inflicted in some ways – an expectation you’re setting for yourself rather than is actually being demanded of you by others.

I also wonder if the expectations are coloring your experience. You mention being excited to be involved with your friends’ kids and be around them more, but is it possible that you were expecting this to be an exception to the way you respond to being around people? Child care is famously exhausting and children are… well, let’s be generous and say “aren’t always the most considerate or thoughtful”, especially when they’re young. And once one hits a certain exhaustion threshold, everything becomes an annoyance.

God knows if you ask parents about how they feel about their kids (and their partners and parents/in-laws) after a long day of dealing with them, you’re going to get very similar opinions to how you’re feeling… and you’re the one who gets to hand the little rug-rats back to the parents and say “here, they’re your problem now.”

I think you might find all of it less exhausting and less frustrating if you took it in smaller doses at first and got a rhythm going. Anyone who’s a parent will tell you about how vital even a short break from dealing with the kids can be. If you’re hoping to be the Cool Auntie to them, you can still do so in more bite-size visits at first and then spending more time with them and your friends as warranted.

The same goes with having a close-knit community or even a partner who lives closer to you. Being part of the social circle doesn’t automatically mean you have to spend all of your time with them. There are a lot of introverts who are also social butterflies and part of what allows them to keep their sanity and not collapse into a puddle of goo is planning and time management. They work on being mindful of how much social energy they have and dole it out with care, including taking days for introvert recovery.

And honestly, while it does take time to increase the closeness and seriousness of a friendship, that doesn’t mean you have to expend all those hours as quickly and as concurrently as possible. Some people are like dogs or highly social cats and want to be where The People Are at all times. Some are more like feral outdoor cats –  you may see them a lot and then they vanish for days or weeks before strolling back like nothing has happened, but they still are your friends.

You may well do better to adopt a more outdoor-cat approach to the community; making the rounds to different people for different lengths of time, but never leaving for so long that people think you’ve abandoned them. It means that you have more time for people individually and then you get a break from them while you spend a little time to yourself or spend more time with others in your circle.

And similarly, having your partner in the same general zipcode doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to shack up or sleep in the same room together. The great thing about relationships is that you can make your own rules! If you and your partner (now or future ones) decide that you’d like to live together but have different bedrooms, or not even live together but in different apartments in the same building (or side-by-side duplexes or what-have-you) then more power to you. It’s your relationship after all and if living together would turn you from being lovey-dovey to two rats in a sack with paint stripper on their nipples, then don’t live together. Problem solved.

The less you try to force yourself into a mold that doesn’t fit and the more you lean into how you actually work, the happier and less annoyed you’ll be. Burning yourself out because you’re trying to behave as if you’re an extrovert isn’t any better than hiding away and avoiding everyone; it just leaves you tired, cranky and ready to hiss at the world from your corner as you glare at everyone balefully and wish they’d leave your territory.

So pay attention to how you’re using your energy and consider giving less… at least at first. The more you can be mindful of the whens, wheres and hows you’re expending the effort and energy, the better you’ll be able to manage it. And the more you understand what’s going to drain you and where your limits are, the more you’ll be able to work around it and accommodate it, instead of draining the tank every time and wondering why you don’t want to see the friends you were so excited for.

Good luck.

Hey Doctor, I hope you can help with what I suspect is a stupid question, but it still gives me anxiety: how do I exit a bad date?

For some context, I (NB, 23, femme-presenting) am dipping my toe into the serious dating pool for the first time. Most of my “dating” history, if you can call it that, were either the occasional hook up with someone I liked or just people who were around me in high-school and college. We didn’t date, we just were always around each other and eventually we agreed we were dating.

Well now I’m out in the real world, enjoying being my real self for the first time ever and I’m ready to start actually dating. I’m not going to go into the details because they’re not that important, but let’s just say it was all a giant shit show and leave it at that.

But every time, I’ve seen the date all the way through to the end and then I have to navigate the awkward “no, I don’t want a good night kiss, this was bad, let’s never do it again” or worse I give non-committal answers and then I feel like either I have to dodge their texts and DMs or I have to be rude and have that confrontation anyway.

Is there a way to gracefully leave a date that is going badly without just crawling out the bathroom window – something I would have done if I

could have fit?

Need An Exit Strategy

This is the sort of question that comes down to “it depends.” There are a lot of factors involved that affect when and how one can or should leave a bad date without causing unnecessary drama.

One of the more obvious variables are the genders of everyone involved. It’s sexist, yes, but women and more femme-presenting people are held to different standards when it comes to things like politeness and social niceties and not bending over backwards for men. Men are also more likely to react poorly if their date leaves early.

Men, on the other hand, rarely have as much to worry when it comes to ending a date sooner than expected, nor do they get as much stick for just calling it and leaving. They may get dragged on social media a little, but the difference between responses can be significant.

Another thing to consider is just how bad this bad date is. A bad date where there’s no chemistry and conversation is like pulling teeth is very different from a bad date where someone casually reveals, for example that their tattoos are actually popular white-power slogans (…and ask me how I know about that one).

All of which is a long-winded way of saying “consider the circumstances and make your best judgement”.

As a general rule of thumb, I’m of the opinion that if the date’s not great but not “I need to be away from this person at speed before someone gets hurt and it may not be me”, then it’s at least polite to white knuckle it until there’s an organic lull where a date might end, normally. You can say “Hey, this was great but I’ve got to go,” without too much worry. You don’t necessarily have to tell them you’d rather get a root canal than a second date, but you don’t want to make it sound like you’re open for another one or that you’ll talk to them later. “This was a nice time but I don’t think we’re a good match” is sufficient.

If someone’s acting like an asshole or being egregious, then I think you’re free to say “fuck this noise” and end it right then and there. “You know what, I’m just going to go”, as you put down money to cover your half of the bill will be sufficient. You can, if you feel safe enough, say precisely why you’d rather slam your fingers in a car door than spend another minute with them, but generally the “dropping money on the table and leaving” will convey that this was a shitty time, their company was awful and they should feel bad.

But if you’ve got reason to be worried for your safety… honestly, that’s when slipping out the back becomes a viable strategy. “I’ve got to go to the bathroom, be right back” and then head for the door is a classic for a reason. Hell, a lot of servers and bartenders are known for helping women with this, when things are especially bad.  

(That being said, the whole “angel shot” thing is somewhere between an urban myth popularized on social media and “well-meaning but a bad idea”. After all, if you’ve seen posts about ordering an “angel shot” or other “SOS” code, the person you’re with likely has too…)

Now all this having been said: one way to cut down on the number of dull or bad dates you may have to dip out on is to not necessarily commit to a date that would require ducking out early in the first place. I’m a big fan of either brief meet-ups to gauge chemistry and compatibility (especially for people you meet on dating apps) or having a hard cut-off time. In the former, you go on what I call the ‘pre-date date’, where you have 15-20 minutes free for a quick coffee or ice cream or something. In the worst case, you are out 15 minutes and the price of a latte.

In the latter, you go on a date but one that has a hard limit; you agree to meet at 7 but with the understanding that you’ve got other people to meet at 8 and you can’t skip out on them. This gives you a definitive end point where you’re going to bail, no matter what. This makes it much easier if you have to grit your teeth and white-knuckle your way through, especially since you won’t have to make an obvious “I’ve got to go shave my cat” style excuse.

Now, in both cases, it’s entirely possible that you’re going to end up having a great time with your date. That’s excellent. But there’s still a good reason to stick to the time-limit, even if your date is proving to be Prince Charming and not just a frog with a clever line. The old adage of “always leave them wanting more” applies to first dates too; if the date’s a good one, you can always talk about the next one before you go. This gives you a bit more emotional momentum and anticipation for the next time you see each other and the knowledge that you can plan for a longer, more leisurely get-together.

But one thing I will say: there’s a time and place for politeness and grace and then there’s a time to say ‘fuck politeness’ and get the hell out, leaving rapidly dispersing cloud behind a human-shaped hole in the wall if need be. If you’re at the point where your date is someone you need to get away from at speed, worry less about grace and manners and more about getting to your car or rideshare, ASAP.

Good luck.