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Estimated reading time: 10 minutes
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I really feel in a bind here. I have been with my partner for over seven years. However, based on a bunch of emotional, personal factors, we’re considering breaking up. We have to decide to renew our lease in TWO WEEKS, and we cannot decide what to do! Some background here:
After going to the same high school together, we reconnected after our respective post-secondary schooling, and pretty quickly entered into a relationship.
We clicked immediately: we had similar interests, he was goofy and fun – and after the toxic, soul-crushing, on-and-off relationship I had had in university, this lightness was a welcome surprise. It was nuts realizing that a relationship could be easy. That holding hands in public wasn’t a crime. We were happy. When I got a job in another city, he moved with me. Living with him was easy for the most part. Here I will admit that I am the controlling partner; he had to get used to my shrillness, my slightly obsessive ways… but he took it in stride. We made our house a home. We have cats together. Things were a-okay for a good five-ish years with no significant bumps in the road.
For the past two-ish years, I have felt a bit unfulfilled. My partner makes me laugh, he makes me dinner every night, he is extremely sweet. But something is missing. In many ways, there is a lack of depth that I can’t seem to pull out of him. It’s just the person he is. And over the years, this is something I’ve recognized as a need from my partner – among other things we have discussed that he can’t muster.
We’ve had hours of conversation in the last couple months about this. We are both in individual therapy, both trying to work on individual traumas, both trying to get our needs met. I am in NO WAY perfect. I have asked him repeatedly what HE needs from ME. The things he has asked for, I can only provide with a “me-spin” to it. I know this is not fair. And it feels like we’re at a crossroads.
Like I said, we need to make a commitment in the next few weeks to either continue living together, or call it quits and move out separately. But, despite all the needs and wants, the critical look at ourselves, we still love each other. We’re seven years deep and are true partners. Though something in my gut tells me there could be a better me and better partner out there FOR me, it is extremely hard for me to let go of him, and him of me. I genuinely don’t know what to do.
Help! Ah!
– In Love, In Trouble
This is a difficult situation, ILIT, and it’s one of those times when the answer is fairly self-evident, but it’s just not easy.
So this is going to sound like a bit of a digression, but stick with me for a second.
I’ve been writing this column for a while now, and like anything you do for long enough, you start to see certain patterns. In the case of long-term relationships, I see some issues that come up over and over again… but these are less issues that are about the individuals and more about the culture we live in and the stories we tell about relationships. And quite frankly, those stories tend to make relationships harder than they should be or have to be.
Take, for example, the idea that relationships are work. That’s absolutely true, but not in the way folks often think. A relationship is composed of individuals, and even the most simpatico couple or throuple or polycule will run into areas where personalities clash, different priorities create conflicts and different needs may be mutually exclusive. The work that make relationships successful are about navigating those conflicts, finding ways to compromise, find work arounds and determine when it’s appropriate to sacrifice your interests in the name of making the relationship work.
But that doesn’t mean that every conflict can be resolved or that the “work” involved means killing your soul in the name of trying to keep a relationship going. As a result it creates this feeling that if a relationship is high-conflict, then the key is to work harder. If a relationship ends, then the question of “well did you work enough at it?” often lingers like a fart in church. And it ignores that sometimes, there are no solutions; sometimes there just isn’t any amount of work that can be done. That doesn’t mean that the relationship was flawed or that the people in the relationship were wrong for each other… but we often leave those relationships feeling that way.
Similarly there’s the idea that every relationship should theoretically, hopefully be your last relationship. We have a distinct tendency as a culture to treat relationships as though longevity is the only measure of success; the longer it goes, the better it was, with dying-in-the-saddle being the ultimate end goal. But equating the duration of a relationship with its success or value or importance means that people tend to stay in relationships that are no longer working for them.
Now while it’s nice to want a relationship to last as long as possible, this cultural narrative means we discount the value, meaning and importance of short term relationships. If a couple were only together for two years and then broke up, that doesn’t mean their relationship was less significant than a relationship that lasted for decades; there may not be the weight of time behind it, but the connection, the experiences and the life lived together can be more meaningful and significant than the age would imply. As the man once said: it’s not the years, it’s the mileage.
And of course, there’s the ever-popular adage that love conquers all; if you love each other then you should be able to get through everything, right? So if you reach a point that one or all of you can’t stay in the relationship any longer, wouldn’t that imply that you simply don’t love each other enough? And if you love each other, doesn’t that mean that you should stay together?
This brings us right back around to your question, ILIT. You and your partner have seven years together. That’s a lot of shared history and connection. You still love each other. That’s no small thing either.
But neither of those mean that this relationship can or should continue.
At the same time, however, that doesn’t mean that the relationship ending would necessarily be a bad thing or an indication that you or your partner had failed somehow.
This is why one of the things that’s worth remembering is that not every relationship is meant to last a lifetime and that’s ok. We end up sacrificing our present in the name of a future that won’t come to pass, because we don’t recognize that sometimes a relationship is just for now, no forever.
Here’s the thing: a relationship doesn’t freeze people in time. People grow, they change. Just as you can’t step in the same river twice, you aren’t the same person today that you were yesterday. In a relationship, you and your partner(s) are growing together – that is, you’re growing simultaneously. That doesn’t mean you’re growing the same way or in the same direction. While we can try to influence how we grow, we can’t control it, because we can’t control the slings and arrows that life throws at us. And because we’re all individuals, even when we come together in a relationship, those slings and arrows affect us differently. So while we may be growing at the same time, we’re also growing in ways that mean we’re growing apart.
And the thing is, that doesn’t mean that you’ve done anything wrong. It just means that, just as a plant can outgrow it’s planter, you outgrew this relationship. What worked for you seven years ago isn’t always going to work for you now, because you’re not the person you were back then. Your needs have changed and so have the things you are able to give. So has your partner. You didn’t do anything wrong or made any egregious mistakes; neither did he. It’s not something that could be prevented unless you were both going to try to freeze the exact moment you met like flies in amber. There’s no good guy or bad guy, just the linear progression of time.
The fact that you have needs your partner can’t meet doesn’t mean that he’s failing or that you need too much. Nor does it mean that you can’t love each other any longer. Quite the contrary; you can love him for who he was and who he is now and vice versa… but the fact that you love someone doesn’t mean that the two of you work as a couple. Compatibility isn’t a prerequisite for love, and while love – or new relationship energy and excitement or pure physical chemistry, for that matter – can help you overlook incompatibilities, it doesn’t make them go away. It just extends the time before those conflicts can’t be ignored any longer.
This is why the key here is to realize that two things can be true: you can love each other, but you can’t work as a couple. What you need, now, is something that he isn’t able to provide. That doesn’t mean that you want too much or he’s too selfish to give it; it just means that you’ve reached the natural end point of this relationship.
Think of it as a journey. For a while, you and your partner were going in the same direction – so long that it’s hard to remember a time when you weren’t going the same way. But now you’ve reached a fork in the road – your destination is one way, and his is the other. The time you traveled together was important and meaningful and you both benefited from it. You will always have that, and that time together will always be a significant part of how you both became who you are today. But you’re now at a point where your destinations have diverged, and there is no way for one of you to follow the other… not without the risk of either losing important parts of yourself or possibly even risking what you’ve had up until now.
Yes, you could, theoretically try to not have needs or he could break himself to pieces to try to meet those needs, and you could do the same for him. You could even justify it in the name of love – love means sacrifice, right? But how long could either of you try to deny those needs, or try to give something you just don’t have, before you can’t pretend any longer? How long would it be before love curdled, annoyance became resentment or worse and what was a loving, meaningful relationship became a black, bitter canker in your soul?
Like I said: this doesn’t mean that you two don’t love each other. You can continue to love one another without being in a relationship. And while yes, you will eventually have other relationships, that doesn’t take away from the love you have for one another – now or in the future.
Now I wish I could tell you the magic words that would make all of this better and you wouldn’t have to face this fork in the road… but those words don’t exist. What I can tell you is that parting now, before those conflicts become a permanent rock in your shoe, is how you keep that love strong. It’s how you can stay connected, even in each other’s lives, without ultimately losing that love. The love you two have in the future may not be exactly the same as what you have now, but that’s not a bad thing. It’s just different.
I think you know what you both need to do, ILIT. I think it’s time to acknowledge that this relationship reached the natural end of its lifespan and it’s time for something new to be born, for the both of you. Honor what you’ve had together, honor what you have now and wish each other well for your future. That’s the best way you both can love one another now.
Good luck.
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