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Hey Doc,
I met someone new back in December after I had decided years ago that maybe dating wasn’t for me. When I least expected it, I felt sparks with a guy I chatted with at the park. He’s kind and reliable, incredibly funny, very straightforward and earnest. He works to understand my chronic illness in a way that no one else has, and has supported me through some pretty bad episodes of depression. When we’re together it feels re-energizing for both of us, when usually we find socializing with others to be a drain after a certain point. When I told him I was ace, we had long conversations about what we were comfortable with, and he has always made sure that I enjoy our experiences together – and they’re the best I’ve ever had! It’s been amazing, beyond what I thought possible for a relationship. He says it’s been the same for him, more than he had ever imagined.
There have been complicating factors – the biggest being that he signed a lease with his ex before they broke up, who has not accepted their breakup and cries and yells at him if he is seen with me out in public, or if I come up in conversation. Moving out is not an option unless it becomes more affordable, and he and I both want him to keep the peace, within reason. It’s stressful, but through open and honest communication we have an understanding: we’re going to wait to get serious until he has the time and literal space for a full, committed relationship. In the meantime, we still enjoy each other’s company and support each other through the life changes we’ve experienced over the past few months. It’s going very well except for the ex, so I can’t help but think about the future, when we hope to be in a serious, committed relationship.
The part I’m struggling with is that he’s poly, and I don’t think that I am, or ever will be; nor am I currently comfortable with the idea of him seeing other women (both of us are straight). He’s never experienced a poly relationship because his partners have never been okay with it. We’ve talked about this, and he has said that he could always be monogamous with me once we’re serious so that I’m happy. Doc, this guy has a history of putting up with shitty behaviour from the women he dates in order to make them happy. I love his kindness but I would never want to be another woman who takes advantage of it. I know how great he is, and I know that he could find amazing polyamorous women out there – and I think he deserves that! I want him to live his life authentically, and be happy. But he’s been such an incredible part of my life these past few months – how do I give that up?
As we approach his move-out date, this question will no doubt come up again. Is it fair for me to ask him for monogamy? He’s offered, but he has a habit of offering too much, and not receiving enough in return. I would never want to hurt him. And will the relationship be doomed from the start because of this incompatibility? He’s not worried about this because he’s focused on enjoying our present time together – but I’m only going to become more attached to him as we go on, and it will be harder to go through a breakup the longer we see each other. What is your advice (if any) for prospective couples who are not both poly?
Sadly Monogamous
So, normally I don’t start these replies off by commenting on people’s pseudonyms, but I feel it’s warranted here: calling yourself Sadly Monogamous gives the impression that you feel like your being monogamous is the problem. While I realize I’m very much Captain Monogamy-Isn’t-Our-Default-State in this column, that doesn’t mean I think monogamy is bad, a limitation or a sign that someone is somehow less evolved, less secure or less whatever. You are who you are, your relationship and romance patterns are what they are and there’s nothing wrong with any of that!
This is one of those questions I get that don’t have clear-cut, easy-to-implement answers, SM. Not because there’re no good answers, so much as there’re only difficult ones, and the question is which level of difficulty are you willing to work with? But let’s roll this one from the top.
To start with: I think the bigger issue here isn’t his being poly and your being monogamous. There’re couples out there who have one-sided poly or ethically non-monogamous relationships, where only one party has partners outside of the relationship and for the most part, it works for them. However, these are usually couples that either
A) Have been together for a while, have built up a very sturdy foundation of love and trust and have top-notch communication skills and make a point of checking in with one another
B) Both parties have the option of being non-monogamous and one of them chooses not to explore that
C) The non-poly partner gets something out of their partner being with other folks (cuckolds/cuckqueens, hot-wifing, etc)
or
D) All of the above.
So there’s room for a one-sided poly relationship to work, for the right folks.
But right now I think the bigger issue may be your partner. Not because he’s a bad guy or because I think that he’s a bad partner for you, but it sounds like he has issues with establishing and maintaining boundaries. You mention that he’s in the habit of offering too much or that he lets people take advantage of his kindness. You also give a couple of great examples of how this has affected him in your letter: he’s let shitty girlfriends walk all over him in the name of being a considerate partner and he’s stuck coddling his ex’s emotions because she throws a temper tantrum over even mentioning that you exist, and honestly, that can be a problem in the long-term.
Now, it’s easy for you to say “but I’ll happily respect his boundaries! I WANT him to have boundaries!” and this says a lot about you being a caring and considerate partner. However, with the way things are now, that comes with the added burden of you ending up being responsible maintaining for his boundaries for him and that’s not a tenable position, especially not in a long-term relationship. Leaving aside that this is his job and not something for you to take on, this makes it difficult for you and him to be sure of exactly where his boundaries are. It sounds a lot like he’s gotten so used to not having his needs met or even acknowledged that he’s basically started pretending he doesn’t have them, and that’s not healthy. It also means that while you may never take advantage of his weak boundaries, other folks will.
Case in point: his ex. They’ve broken up, evidently some time ago, but she’s still letting her feels dictate his behavior, despite the fact that they’re not his responsibility. It’d be one thing if he was being cruel and rubbing your relationship in her face; it’s another entirely that she’s having performative sads and dictating terms that he’s allowed to live by. This is a perfect case of his needing to lay down the law and say “I’m sorry you’re still hurting about our break-up, but I’m not going to pretend to not have a life or a relationship because it makes you sad. I can’t process your feelings for you and I’m not responsible for your getting over our break-up, and either you can get over it yourself or you can complain to others… but not to me.”
Having boundaries – with you and with others – is going to be vital for the two of you if you go forward with this relationship. It’s especially going to be vital if – and this is a mighty big “if” – you go forward with this relationship and some degree of openness. Having strong boundaries is an important part of making ethical non-monogamy work. You (general you, not you specifically, SM) need to be a zealous advocate for your own needs and limits, or your other partners can and often will walk all over you. I’ve seen poly relationships fall apart because someone would give into demands from one partner that directly conflicted with their relationship with another – a partner insisting on a date night despite knowing that it’s the birthday or anniversary of the other partner, for example. If your beau can’t hold firm in the face of someone he’s no longer dating, how’s he going to keep limits with someone he is dating? That can’t be your job; even if he agreed to it, this would put you in the position of being Ms. Funwrecker, even unintentionally.
Plus there’s also the question of: if you ask him for monogamy, can you trust him to be sincere if he agreed to it? Or would he be agreeing to it but quietly dying inside because he feels like he can’t ask for what he really wants? And for that matter, are you going to have to be functionally reading his mind in order to find out where his boundaries truly are instead of having to guess or assume? That’s a lot of emotional labor getting stacked onto this relationship.
However, that’s something he needs to work on for himself. Just as you can’t be his boundary-enforcer, you can’t do that work for him either. So that’s one potential complication.
The next is: how do you handle this potential conflict between his being poly and your being monogamous?
In this case, the answer is: you start by figuring out if this is something you can handle. And while you can’t be 100% sure until you’re actually dealing with it, you can start by learning more about what this would actually entail by doing your due diligence. And seeing as your beau doesn’t have experience with polyamory either, that may well be something both of you might want to do – both together, to discuss what your theoretical poly relationship might look like if you were to be ok with it, but also individually so that you can decide how you feel about it in general. There’re some excellent books that are worth checking out about navigating and maintaining poly and open relationships; I recommend Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton and Building Open Relationships by Dr. Liz Powell as a way of learning more about polyamory and non-monogamous relationships.
(Full disclosure: Dr. Powell is a friend of mine, who’s contributed to this column before).
And to be clear: this isn’t to say that you should go into this under the assumption that you’re going to get cool with being poly. I recommend doing this research and study so that you can see what it would entail, what the best practices are, what the potential stumbling blocks are and decide from an informed place whether you can or can’t work with this. And hey, if you can’t, you can’t! That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, it just means that this isn’t a relationship style that you can be part of and that’s ok! Your saying “I can’t do this,” isn’t a failure or indication that you don’t feel strongly enough for him, it’s you taking care of yourself. That’s a good thing.
However, speaking of best practices… I think your partner-in-potentia is getting things backwards by saying he’ll be monogamous once you’re serious. Here’s the thing about poly or ethically non-monogamous relationships: most of them started off as closed relationships that transitioned to open. Even when someone was poly or non-monogamous from the jump, one of the things that they’ll often do – especially if the other partner is mono or has no poly experience – is start off in a closed relationship in order to build up that foundation of love, trust and communication first, before starting to open things up. And even when they do open things up, it’s may be best to do so in stages, so that folks have the chance to gauge how they feel and wrestle with any complicated emotions without, y’know, suddenly dealing with their partner going to bed with someone else. If – and again, I can’t stress the “if” enough – you decide to try, then starting off closed for an extended period and building to non-monogamy would likely be gentler on you, emotionally, and make it that much easier to make the transition.
But – speaking of mono vs. poly – I think you may be giving yourself a false binary choice of “try to make this work, even if he’s poly” and “break up and lose him from my life forever”. While this conflict in relationship styles may mean that you can’t have a life-long or long-term romantic relationship with him, a short-term relationship is also valid and incredibly rewarding. Yes, I know it’s not the most traditionally romantic thing to say “I love you but I can’t be with you forever”, but when we define successful relationships as only being ones that last for years or decades, we lose out on potentially meaningful and loving relationships just because they end before someone dies in the saddle. There’s nothing wrong with going into a relationship with your eyes open and saying “I know that this won’t be forever, but what we have now is so good that I’m willing to savor the time we do have.”
(And honestly, there’s no way of ensuring that any relationship you have will be long-term. Both partners being on the same page regarding monogamy or non-monogamy isn’t proof against breaking up; going into any relationship means being aware of the possibility of it’s end.)
By that same token, breaking up or not pursuing a romantic relationship with him doesn’t mean that you need to excise him from your life. The fact that the romantic aspect of your relationship came to an end – or never fully got off the ground – doesn’t mean that he can’t or won’t be an important and meaningful part of your life. The fact that you didn’t work out as lovers and romantic partners doesn’t mean that you don’t love, care for and support one another or bring happiness, joy and emotional intimacy to each others lives. Lots of lifelong friendships exist because folks realized that while they weren’t right as romantic partners, they’re still family of choice. And sometimes the most important relationships in your life can be the platonic ones. So while yes, it would be sad that the romance didn’t work, not being together that way doesn’t automatically mean that you’d have to give up the good you bring to each others’ lives.
Would that require a period of adjustment and healing? Of course; even break-ups that need to happen can hurt. Knowing that you tried and it just didn’t click for you both is sad, and it deserves to be mourned. But while losing a lover may be sad and require some recovery time apart, that may well be the birth of a new and incredibly important relationship for the both of you.
But, circling back around to the top, none of this can really happen until he starts to get better at boundaries. Otherwise, regardless of whether he decides to commit to being monogamous, you commit to being in some flavor of ENM or you decide to be friends, he’s going to continually be at the mercy of those who push him hard enough to get him to give in.
So, TL;DR: he needs to stiffen his spine and learn how to enforce his boundaries for himself, and both of you should do some research into what a poly relationship – even an asymmetric one – might entail. And if you decide that poly wouldn’t work for you (or monogamy won’t work for him), you can still either have a short term relationship and/or a platonic one that’s just as meaningful, just as important and just as rewarding. And don’t forget: prioritizing taking care of yourself and your emotional well-being is always a good thing.
Like I said: there’re no clean-cut, easy-to-implement answers here, SM. Just which level of difficulty you’re willing to engage in, and whether you see the reward as being worth the challenges.
Good luck.
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