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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years and have been living together for 2. I had been seeing some signs that he was not happy anymore but I just tried to always be cheery and helpful and make sure to be there for him when he needed me.
Two months ago he tells me that he does not want to live together anymore. He says that he has gone cold-hearted and doesn’t feel the same as he used to. This is earth shattering for me since he had just told me a few months before this that he had asked my father for his permission for my hand in marriage over Christmas. I thought things were slowly heading in the direction that I thought we both wanted.
Well, now it is moving time. I will be in my new place at the end of the month and he will be moving out next week. I just am so lost. I truly believe with my whole heart and soul that he is my soulmate. I cannot imagine my life without him in it. He told me last week when I came back from a work trip in NYC that for us to work that he really needs to see me be self-reliant, focus on my goals and (he didn’t out-right say this but) to stop being so insecure about myself.
I have never been so insecure in my life than I am right now. I feel as though I am losing the love of my life and I have nowhere to turn. I will be filling up my schedule very soon with going back to school and work is getting busier and busier- but the thing is that none of my goals seem worth it without him to come home to. What can I do to get our relationship back on track and rekindle that overwhelming fire that we once shared?
Thanks,
Leta
Leta,
I’m gonna make this short. I’m gonna make this sweet. I’m gonna help you move on.
But this reality check is gonna sting a little bit. Ready?
He is not your soul mate.
He is not the love of your life.
You have plenty of places to turn.
You can imagine your life without him.
You will get over him.
You will fill up that hole in your life where he used to be.
Everyone has found someone who they thought was “the one” who turned out not to be the one. Everyone.
And, most importantly, you guys do NOT want to “get your relationship back on track and rekindle that overwhelming fire you once shared. “ Holy shit! Just reading that sentence makes me want to tie you to the bed until your senses have returned.
So how do I know all of this? I don’t know you. I don’t know him. How can I possibly understand the intensity of the love you shared? Aren’t I underestimating the connection you’re feeling? What if there’s no other man like this on the planet?
I know all of these things (as does everyone else reading this, by the way), not because I’m omniscient or arrogant, but because that’s life.
Everyone has found someone who they thought was “the one” who turned out not to be the one. Everyone.
Unfortunately, you’re experiencing this right now, which is undoubtedly painful and confusing, which is why you have to rely on cooler heads to set you straight.
You ever hear the phrase, “Love is blind”? Well, your love was blind. It was based on passion, not reality. Once again, how do I know this?
You moved in with your guy after six months. That’s not something people generally do when they’re thinking clearly. That’s something people do when they’re blinded by their belief that they’ve found soul mate love. And then they do everything in their power to preserve their soulmate love, even though it’s not meant to be preserved.
So, how do I know that it’s not meant to be preserved?
The second you let go of your ex is the second you can open up lasting love.
Because your “soul mate” didn’t want to preserve it! You’ve said so yourself!
I had been seeing some signs that he was not happy anymore.
Two months ago he tells me that he does not want to live together anymore. He says that he has gone cold-hearted and doesn’t feel the same as he used to.
I will be in my new place at the end of the month and he will be moving out next week.
He told me to stop being so insecure about myself.
It seems that, unlike you, your boyfriend has stopped coasting on your glorious first 6 months and has begun to see you more objectively. And, for whatever it’s worth, he sees you as weak and insecure. I’m not saying he’s right. I’m saying that this is the way he feels. Objectively, he needs a different woman to make him happy.
This is his right. At the same time, it’s your right — and mandate — to find a different man who is willing to put up with your faults, loves you unconditionally and never wants to leave you.
I know that’s hard to hear, since you want HIM, but if HE doesn’t want YOU, it doesn’t matter. Your ex-boyfriend is NOT your future husband.
But I can tell you one thing that should make you smile:
The second you let go of your ex is the second you can open up to lasting love.
I promise.
Thank you for your question, Leta. And if anyone else is reading Leta’s question and identifying with the painful process of moving on from your ex, please check out my bestselling eBook, “Why He Disappeared”.
You won’t be sorry.
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