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Hello Doc
Sorry if this is a little long, just want to give enough background information… (hopefully?)
I met my fiancé using an online dating app at the start of the pandemic. I hadn’t dated in around a decade and was scared to date again but saw the pandemic as a good excuse to not be pressured into meeting someone right away or them just wanting sex (I have since realized I am demisexual, and am pretty sure my fiancé is too based on things he’s shared). We are both a bit geeky and love board games so for around a year we played online board games every Sunday together. We were both shy and nervous that the other only wanted to be friends despite “meeting” on a dating site, but after the first COVID shots came out he finally started to ask me out. After we were both done with the shots we planned a date, and have been dating ever since (I also moved in around Christmas time). On our one year anniversary he proposed, and I said yes. I suppose this all might seem very fast, but we’re both in our late 30s and have so many shared interests and also similar personalities. It just “feels right” and like we’ve known each other forever.
For awhile he’s had nightmares about losing me, but since the proposal it’s only gotten worse. He says that he feels like he isn’t good enough and that there’s plenty of other guys who would be better for me. I try to reassure him that he’s definitely the one I want, try to show him that I love him, etc, but I am not sure what else to do. His family was/is pretty toxic so I don’t think he’s ever had healthy self-esteem, and his ex, whom he dated for years and thought he was going to marry, also cheated on him, so that didn’t help (since then he was also single for around a decade, like me).
He also has a very stressful job, but feels like he *has* to spend all his free time after work and on weekends with me now that we’re living together. We are both introverts so I completely understand him needing time and space to decompress and de-stress on his own and have encouraged him to go play video games, etc, without me, since he said that’s how he would normally unwind. But he says he feels guilty doing that because he feels like all his free time should be with me now, especially since I don’t work as much so have more time to be an introvert and recharge (so don’t need as much “me time” when he’s around). I have discussed with him multiple times that I don’t think it’s healthy, and that I want him to make time for himself regularly (I even tried explaining that him taking care of his mental well-being like that helps me too!) and that I can play my own video games or read, etc too. This has gotten worse since the proposal and wedding planning because we’ve had things to do each weekend (even if it’s only one fairly quick thing like going to try on a suit) so he’s been feeling like he “hasn’t had any time off” and is feeling “run down.” I have tried to do most of the wedding planning stuff on my own, but he feels guilty about that too even though I have more free time and he claims to not have opinions on anything and just “wants me to be happy”…. which hasn’t made me happy, since I obviously want the wedding to be something he ultimately likes, and not just endures. We’re having a very small “microwedding” and I am trying to keep everything as simple as possible (I never wanted a big fancy wedding either), but it’s also stressful for me. He understands this, but I feel like I can’t even talk much about it with him since he’s already so on edge himself (which I know isn’t healthy but we have been very busy lately because of family things or wedding venue stuff). He keeps saying how much he’s looking forward to February, when everything will be over and things will calm down. This hurts me to hear…. I completely understand why he’s saying it, but I’d like him to at least look forward to our honeymoon in January and see that as the fun and relaxing part, not afterwards. But when I offered doing a shorter or different honeymoon destination (currently it’s Disney World but I am worried the crowds and schedules will stress him out) he went into panic-mode and cried a bit, saying he felt like that was me calling off the wedding.
So…. yeah. The wedding stuff is moving along faster than either of us had expected or originally planned (some because of my Mom who has just been beyond thrilled by it all, and the rest because at our age we see no reason to wait since we know we want to be married), and his low self-esteem and anxiety/stress has been very bad lately. I just am not sure what to do to help him since he rarely takes time for himself despite me encouraging him to do so, and just feels guilty afterwards. I asked him if he’d want to do premarital counseling but that made him really worried that I wasn’t happy with our relationship (which I feel good and secure about other than him not taking time for himself). We play games together too (video and board) but I know that’s not the same for de-stressing.
Spousal Anxiety Disorder
Alright SAD, I’m not gonna lie: some of this is going to be above my paygrade. As I’m always saying: Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor, and it sounds like your fiancé needs to be talking to an actual medical professional. There’s a lot of reason to believe that there’s a biochemical component to a number of anxiety disorders, and getting on medication may well help your fiancé find his center and get some relief. So my first suggestion would be to get him to a therapist, pronto and see what a real doctor has to say.
However, that’s a process that can take some time – from finding a doctor who’s taking patients (and takes your insurance), getting prescribed medication, taking time to find the minimum effective dose and so on. So let’s talk a little about some other things you and your fiancé can do to reign his anxiety in and allow him to actually enjoy being with you and planning the wedding.
I think it’s safe to say that whatever’s causing his anxiety is… a lot. It’s almost pointless to speculate what the ultimate source is – his toxic family situation, his shitty cheating ex or just *gestures at everything*. It’s not exactly as though we can say “hey, there’s nothing to worry about” when we’ve got all of the last six years to point to and say “um, about that.” The wedding planning also likely doesn’t help. Even if he’s not directly involved, planning a wedding brings up all kinds of stress and drama. If he’s especially sensitive to people’s moods – something that seems likely considering his family history – then there’s a pretty good chance that he’s picking up on your stress and it’s making him stressed.
And seeing as we’re still dealing with COVID, the fallout from an attempted coup by a sitting president, environmental devastation and Ted Lasso wrapping up next season… look, I’m just saying there’s a lot of shit out there that’s giving in disadvantage on his Wisdom checks.
So rather than try to solve his anxiety, it may be better to work toward managing his symptoms and triggers – looking to the short term relief while also trying to find a longer term solution.
One of the things that may help is for the two of you to figure out what some of his triggers are. The more you know what is most likely to trigger an anxiety attack, the easier it is to work around them or avoid them. Similarly, you may want to take an approach from the story The Little Prince. In one part of the story, the Little Prince encounters a fox and wants to befriend it. The fox, on the other hand, tells the prince they can’t be friends because he’s not tame. But if the price is willing to be patient, the fox will teach him how the Little Prince could tame him and then they could be friends.
Since your fiancé is the world’s greatest expert in his anxiety, then it makes sense to go to the source. What kind reassurance does he think would work to help calm him down? When he’s at his most keyed up or most worried, what would be the most effective way of soothing him so that he can unclench his muscles, dial back the adrenaline production and stop feeling like he’s about to explode in seven different directions at once.
But this is only one aspect of dealing with his anxiety. Another would be finding ways to break the cycle before it even has a chance to set in… and that means understanding the logic of his anxiety, so you can use it against… it.
Yeah, trying to parse the grammar for that sentence just gave me a nosebleed.
Now, I’m a big believer in “use what works” in life, even if what works is a bit weird. There is a famous – possibly apocryphal – anecdote of a woman who had severe OCD and anxiety over the possibility of having accidentally left her curling iron on and burning the house down. Rather than just trying to manage her anxiety or medicate it away, her therapist found a loophole: just bring it with her to work. When she’s worried about the likelihood of the unattended curling iron starting a fire, she can look in her bag, see the curling iron’s right there, unplugged, not setting things on fire… and so the moment passes. This way, she can keep her worry under control and go about her day while they worked to dig out the root causes.
Similarly, there’s another – again, likely apocryphal – story of an older man who was likely schizophrenic and worried that the government was beaming messages into his head. Medication at the time wasn’t an option, and his fear of these messages was causing him to be disruptive in public. Finally, he was arrested for being a public nuisance and brought before the judge. Once the judge heard his story, rather than fine him or send him to jail, he wrote out a restraining order: the government was hereby prohibited from beaming messages or otherwise contacting this man in any covert or secret manner. And damn if that didn’t bring the poor man some relief. Playing into the logic of his fear helped break the cycle.
Did either of these actually happen? Fuck knows. But taking these approaches could work for your fiancé and help the two of you get through the year and your wedding. Which is why I think what you may want to do is sit down and talk with your fiancé about finding some loopholes and solutions that will help settle his mind.
This is another reason why it’s good to go to the source and and talk about his specific anxieties. Treat this as a “Getting To Know Your Anxiety Mosquito” exercise, so you can brainstorm some loopholes and practical (if possibly outre) workarounds. To start with: what, precisely are his anxieties about? Encouraging him to talk them out, without judgement or commentary, could be a good start. One of the things about anxiety is that the folks dealing with it know it’s irrational and illogical, which means there’s often a sense of shame involved as well. I mean, it makes you feel like a damn idiot to say “well, I’m afraid that if I don’t do X then you’ll quit loving me and I’ll be alone forever”, when you know that’s not the case. But talking things through and letting him lay it all out there, in his own time and in his own words, knowing that you’re going to sit and listen without passing judgement may help you get the full picture of what’s bothering him.
Part of what may well help with this would be to take his anxiety seriously. Not in the sense of “anxiety is a serious condition”, but treating the things he’s anxious about as though they were rational, real possibilities. Trying to explain why it’s not “real” can backfire; he knows that. But if you treat it as a real concern, then you can start to map it out and find the full topography and boundaries. And that, in turn, leads to ways that you can find the little places that you could apply a state break. Let’s say, for example, that he’s worried that you’re going to leave him because X, Y or Z. Alright… you know that’s not gonna happen, but if you treat it as an actual possibility, what are the ways that you and he could circumvent this. Maybe you could write a contract that states you are prohibited from leaving due to X causes, that Y causes would require third party mediation by… I dunno, his best friend and that Z would require 90 days notice from both parties that Z will happen or else the penalty (your leaving) can’t be levied.
Does it make a lick of damn sense? Fuck no. But that weird little trick may be what tells his brain that everything’s fine; you’ve got the contract after all.
A similar tactic may help give him the permission structure to just relax and destress, instead of feeling like he needs to spend all his time with you. You two may want to work out a specific schedule, for example, that includes Introvert Hours, where you and he both have your alone time to recharge and Couples Skate, where you do things together. Having a set time when he’s expected to relax and do his own thing so he can recharge could well ease his feeling that being alone is somehow breaking a sacred compact of togetherness, especially when it’s one the two of you work out together.
You may even consider digging into the “not good enough aspect” by saying “ok, so what would make you feel like you were good enough” and putting together something that he could reasonably – and I stress, reasonably – do. Maybe having a designated set of tasks would appeal to that part of his brain. As much as I hate to encourage the idea of “earning” a wife by Doing Great Deeds or whatever, having a list of accomplishments that bring him more in line with what he thinks you “deserve” might help quiet that part of his brain for a bit. Hell, making him go through some couple’s counseling and cognitive behavioral therapy workbooks might be the first step. You could even frame it along the lines of getting the car checked out before going on a long road trip. No, nothing seems to be wrong, but giving it a once-over, topping off the various fluids and whatnot help prevent you from finding yourself stuck in an empty stretch of freeway with nothing but signs for The Mystery Spot to keep you and your broken-down car company.
Now I want to be clear: none of this is a long-term solution and honestly, it’s just me spitballing ideas based on some of the things that’ve helped me get through rough patches when the RSD and ADHD-inspired anxiety got bad. The ideas behind these aren’t “do this and the anxiety goes away”, it’s “use these to break the spiraling thought chain so you can pull yourself out and get through the moment.” You can’t logic your way out of an anxiety attack but breaking the downward spiral and distracting yourself goes a long way towards making it easier to get through it quicker.
Like I said: I’m not a real doctor, I’m a loudmoth with an advice column. But leaning into the logic of his anxiety (which, yes, is inherently illogical but work with me here) may well help the both of you find ways to keep things going until the more orthodox methods finally kick in.
Good luck.
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