How Can I Make a Guy Who Slept With Me Want to Commit to Me?

I met a guy online couple months ago. First date, he told me he’s looking for something serious. To me, that was a sign of desperation and I wasn’t all that interested. He contacted me often, and I was willing to give him a try- went over to hang out without sex. By the third date, I felt like I could be physical without emotional attachment because I wasn’t truly attracted to him. (If I wanted something serious I wouldn’t have slept with him this soon.) I was good at distancing myself to not get attached at this point.

We are 15 years apart- friends warned me I might be his side chick or sex toy. I hated feeling like I might be used for sex by a guy who slept with me, especially because we only truly hang out at home, order in, etc. He put minimal effort into dating and I thought it was just his older age- and it was ok that we were hanging out casually, despite him wanting something serious. He wanted sex often. I didn’t feel good about it at some point (haven’t had sex since the third date.)

Due to paranoia, I told him I can’t have sex but that I want to continue seeing him. I didn’t want to be played but of course, I told him other excuses. He said he’s not like the other guys and would not insist on sex. He kept his words, kept wanting to see me. I was quite aloof, met him once every two weeks or so. He felt frustrated and said maybe we should be friends. That’s when it hit me- I didn’t want to lose this person. Maybe it was the constant attention or the false hope that I had that maybe he was the one or the idea of potential. That’s when the tables turned and I asked him to be with me- and that’s when he started bringing up how he needed sexual intimacy (not penetration). I said yes. He never made me feel uncomfortable but I could tell that sex was something high on his priority while it wasn’t on mine.

Soon, after one night of sex, I saw how he became aloof while I became attached. He left for a business trip and then I ended it few days after because he didn’t text me for three days. I felt that he changed after our second sex. He didn’t beg for me to reconsider or anything- he said he understood. I just couldn’t stand the thought that he was only after sex from me. I didn’t want to be that 24 year old he gets to fuck occasionally.

Now, forward to three months later. He comments on my bikini photos time to time and I have reached out to him, saying hello. He claims now that he found someone serious but that he would love to have sex with me or just be intimate, that he can’t forget the chemistry and connection we had. He claims he will leave the city for the girl. He is also saying that if I want him to stay I’d have to give him sex. I guess now I know he didn’t feel satisfied in what we were because of my hesitation on sex. I want him back and I want him to want me for more than sex like he made it seem in the beginning. Will having sex fix anything? If there even is a girl that he is in a relationship, why is he still asking me to come over and wants me sexually? He says he can deal with him cheating if it happens but that right now he can’t give me what I want- a relationship- because he is already in one. He has me on the palm of his hands. What can I do to turn the tables? I think everything went downhill once I got attached but I’m not too sure…

I agree that our chemistry and connection was amazing. I want sex too but I just don’t want men to want me just for sex. What can I do to either change that thought or change the guy?

-Dee

You took his interest in something serious as a sign of desperation.

You took his interest in something serious as a sign of desperation.

You slept with him on the third date because you weren’t attracted to him.

You didn’t want anything serious with him but you kept hanging out with him platonically.

You told him you wanted to keep seeing him without sleeping with him.

You decided you DID want to start seeing him and slept with him again.

You broke up with him a few days after because of his lack of follow up. He didn’t protest.

You reached out to him three months later and discovered he has a girlfriend.

You also discovered that he would still have sex with you despite this relationship.

You want him back even though he’s proven to be aloof, indifferent and unfaithful.

You are considering sleeping with him to see if this “fixes” things.

You are writing to me to “turn the tables” and “change the guy.”

Holy shit, Dee.

I feel for you, but can you see your own contradictions and inconsistencies?

Virtually everything you did is the OPPOSITE of what I’d recommend as a dating coach.

• Dismissing a guy who wants something serious.
• Sleeping with him on the third date.
• Hanging out with him even though you weren’t interested.
• Only valuing him when he shows he doesn’t value you.
• Ignoring his character issues and trying to figure out how to win him over.

The only thing you did right was dumping him after he ignored you for three days.

The answer to your question isn’t about how you can get this guy back; it’s to ask yourself why you’re making so many problematic choices without any awareness of how detrimental they are to your long-term happiness.

If you only sleep with men you don’t like and only value men who don’t value you, you’re left with situations like this.

Want to get it right the next time? Try doing the OPPOSITE of everything you did before.