How Can I Meet, Flirt With and Date New People and Still Feel Safe?

Estimated reading time: 15 minutes

Hi Doc.

This is going to be a bit of a long winded question but if you bear with me that’d be super helpful. I just want to paint a full picture so you can understand where I’m coming from.

I’m from the UK, in my 30s and never been in a relationship, but my reasons for it have been rather complicated. See, when I was in my early teens, I was sexually assaulted by a girl in my class who I’d turned down. She’d manipulated me using the “You don’t hit girls” rule to persuade me against defending myself. This was also a time of very severe bullying I experienced from both boys and girls (partly due to having autism). There were other cases where young women I knew in school had punched or kicked me for fun, or when in my mid-20s a female friend got drunk and decided to slap me, and did so hard enough to make me feel dizzy (this while I was still in therapy for childhood sexual abuse).

As a result of this, and cultural depictions of female-on-male abuse in media as “empowering” or “funny”, I ended up terribly afraid of approaching women, not just of being rejected, but of being hit, kicked in the balls, or getting in trouble. Part of it is while I have no problem interacting with women (or people in general) on a friendly social basis, I’ve always had real trouble knowing how to bridge that gap of flirting and intimacy (and having autism makes this even more complicated since I have trouble reading those subtle cues or questioning myself as to whether a girl is interested or I’m just seeing things wrong). I’m also terrified of getting it wrong and being accused of something inappropriate (this goes back well before #MeToo) and also wanting to make a partner happy and have fun, get them to like me, enjoy my company and make them feel good, I know how much sexual harassment hurts and I’d be mortified if I gave anyone else that feeling by making the wrong move at the wrong time.

I also blamed myself because I thought that no other man or boy had been abused by a girl or woman, and assumed I was the stereotype of “typical man thinking with his dick rather than his brain”. It left my confidence in ruins, and with severe anxiety. Plus, I’d asked a friend if he could introduce me to anyone only for him to laugh in my face and brush me off.

The sexual abuse, I eventually acknowledged when I was 25, and I managed to eventually come to terms with it. It’s taken a long time to get past it (and some of the traumatic memories still haunt me) but I’ve accepted the memories and forgiven myself. The difficulty is trying to move into intimacy with women now.

The closest I had to a relationship was a girl I got close to before COVID. I was super nervous and so when I tentatively tried to move into a more intimate state between us I was rejected and told we were just friends. I didn’t hold anything against her for it, we still had a good time, but I felt deeply ashamed of myself, and when COVID struck we were separate so long that she found someone else and cut me off. Other than my nerves, I still hold no regrets (other than my
own anxiety) or resentment against her (only resentment I felt was against myself).

Just to let you know though, I never subscribed to the blackpill incels because while I’ve felt angry at the women who abused and hurt me, I never had anything against anyone who gave me a “thanks but no thanks”, other than myself, so to lose your mind over that seems ridiculous and corrosive to me. (Also it’s insulting to my experience IMO).

Other than that, I did have a couple of one night stands (initiated by the woman in both cases) and have sometimes seen escorts, partly because it feels safer than trying to bridge that intimacy gap without being just scared of getting hurt or abused. While those experiences have been very enjoyable (for me and my partners), I feel super anxious about finding proper advice since the first time I looked, I could only find PUA material, which I felt uncomfortable with.

Most recently, since I finished my master’s degree, I’ve been trying to take steps by approaching women in bars just to break the ice and at some point move onto having conversations.

Any help or advice you can offer on how to flirt properly and ensure my safety, comfort and ease of a potential partner would be very helpful.

Thank you for taking the time to read my message, and I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,
Need An Instruction Manual

I’m so sorry you’ve been through all that, NAIM. I know you’ve been working with a therapist and I hope you’re continuing to do so – especially someone who’s trauma-informed and helping you with your trauma responses.

Also, holy hopping sheep shit you need better friends. You seem to be surrounded by assholes, and I suspect life would improve for you immensely if you cleaned house and kicked them to the goddamn curb like the garbage they are.

Now I know that you’re mostly asking for practical advice, but I think part of the process of getting comfortable with dating and connecting with potential partners is recognizing when and how your feelings about yourself are getting in the way of things.

One of the things that stands out to me, for example, would be the woman you were trying to connect with during COVID. I wish you’d said more about what you did – “move towards a more intimate state” covers a lot of ground – but you’re treating this as a profound mistake that only the greatest of fools could make. That sort of self-recrimination is on the same spectrum as the incel-community-style “women are just cockteases who only date Chads”, just on the other side of the scale, and it’s about as helpful. 

Which is to say: not even slightly fucking helpful. At all. 

Beating yourself up over it isn’t productive, nor does it make things better. You’re not doing penance for your sins, you’re punishing yourself because… well, because. People, including neurotypical people, make a move and get rejected all the time. That doesn’t mean that they’re horrible people, it just means that things didn’t work out for one reason or another. If you can zero in on how or why you may have misread things, that’s great… but sometimes it really just comes down to “you two just don’t click” and that’s ok.

Instead, it seems like you’re mostly punishing yourself for daring to have hope or thinking that this might work, which, again, is spectacularly unhelpful. Despite what it feels like, you can’t shame yourself into improving or doing better. All that happens when you do that is that you reinforce the idea that you’re somehow broken and hopeless and that it’s unreasonable for you to think that anyone could ever be attracted to you. So at best, you create situations in your head where you’re coming to an interaction pre-rejected and having to justify being attracted to someone, rather than saying “ok, I know I find this person attractive, but are they right for me? What do they have going on that would make them a suitable partner for me?”

And before you – or anyone else – says it: yes, you’re allowed to have standards, to say “Ok, this is what I need from a partner or a relationship, this is what I’m not willing to tolerate or have in a relationship”. Believing otherwise is how you end up with toxic partners who prey on people with low or non-existent boundaries. You don’t have to “earn” having standards or dealbreakers.

I might also point out that you frame the whole thing ending as “she found someone better and so cut me off”, when it seems like it might be more accurate to say “things didn’t pan out and we drifted apart”. I suspect you were far more invested in this than they were, and that’s part of why you use this as one more way to flagellate yourself like a pilgrim during the black plague.

So the first thing I would suggest is working on your own sense of self-worth and self-esteem; the more you can appreciate and understand your own value, the more you can focus on finding people who also recognize and appreciate it. If you can’t see it, you won’t be able to accept it when other people do and you won’t feel secure in your own relationships. You’ll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, for that moment when they “wise up” and realize they could do so much better. That’s not a solid foundation for finding a partner in a game of bridge, never mind a romantic relationship.

Now on the practical side of things, the first thing I would say is that you’re autistic, so don’t try to flirt like you’re not. Leaving aside that masking is exhausting, part of what you struggle with is uncertainty and not being as sure of your ability to read the room. Well, the easiest way to solve that is to use your words. People have a tendency to tie themselves into knots over trying to read people’s minds or never actually saying “I like you” or “Are you hitting on me?”, as though asking for confirmation or clarity are the anti-sex equation.

In reality, almost everyone is a little unsure and nervous that they’re reading things incorrectly; there’re few things more appealing than being willing to be the person to come right out and say “OK, here’s where I’m at, here’s what I’m thinking, what about you?” It’s the uncertainty that makes people uncomfortable, the nagging fear that maybe they’re wrong and they’re making a fool of themselves or wasting their time – or allowing their time to be wasted. So, while it’s good to work on being more aware of signs of interest, you shouldn’t be afraid to say “Hey, I’m bad at reading signals.” Don’t think of this as admitting a flaw or a weakness; what you’re doing is giving people the “here’s how to win with me” cheat sheet. Letting people know that you prefer open or blunt communication is giving them the tools they need to make sure that you understand them.

And this goes both ways; being up front about things makes it easier for you, too. If they’re someone who isn’t cool with that sort of communication – and in fairness, there will be folks who aren’t – then all that’s happened is that you’ve met someone who isn’t right for you. After all, you want to be in a relationship with someone where you both speak the same language. If you aren’t being understood or aren’t understanding what they’re saying, the relationship ultimately can’t work out.

Just as importantly: give yourself permission to go slower than slow if you need to. You have a lot of understandable fears and worries, fears that are the result of incredible trauma. Taking things slowly gives you the chance to build up the trust, communication and security you need to feel safe. Again: there will be people who may not want to move at that pace. That’s fine. Those are people who aren’t compatible with you. The fact that other people (not all, mind you) may move at a faster pace than you doesn’t mean you have to break yourself to pieces to keep up with them. It means that you let those people go and focus on finding people who are right for you.

If this means that you take a while before getting physically intimate beyond, say, kissing? OK, if that’s what you need then prioritize that. You’re allowed to do so. You’re allowed to look for people who would meet you where you are.

This also means that you don’t necessarily need to meet women at bars. As I’ve said before: those aren’t the only places to meet people, and they’re a poor venue if you’re not someone who likes those environments. I’m an advocate of getting to know people, rather than trying to convince a stranger to start a romantic or sexual relationship with you after having only known you for an hour or so; slowing your roll can help immensely, especially when you know you need more time to build trust and to feel secure.

But as I said: more than anything else, you need to recognize your own value, your own worth and to stop being your own worst enemy. Learning to love and value yourself is going to be an important part of your skillset. We get better at what we practice and thus far, you’ve practiced being down on yourself. It’s time to change that and to start practicing loving yourself instead.

Start there, and I think you’ll find the rest will come much more easily and organically. It’ll still take work, don’t get me wrong… but you’ll have cast off the massive weights that’re slowing you down.

Write back to let us know how you’re doing.

Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’m in a bit of a complicated situation and could really use some advice. I’m currently in a polyamorous relationship, something I was open to trying when my partner suggested it. However, I’m struggling with feelings of jealousy, which has become a significant issue between us.

I understand that, as someone who’s relatively new to poly, there can be an adjustment period. I absolutely get that my partner’s other relationships don’t mean that I’m not special to her or that she doesn’t care for me the way I do for her. It’s still been difficult and it’s become something that keeps coming up.

My partner often tells me that my jealousy is a sign that I’m not fully invested in this, that I should be feeling compersion and be pleased at the delight she’s taking in her relationships. This criticism is hard to hear, especially since I feel like I’m still learning and adapting to this new relationship dynamic. Despite my best efforts to communicate and work through my feelings, her remarks make me feel invalidated and misunderstood and she has indicated that this is something I should be working on for myself. It’s, as you might say, a “me” problem, not a “her” problem.

To add to this, there’s a double standard that I’m finding difficult to navigate. My partner frequently criticizes or outright vetoes people I’m interested in dating. This feels very controlling and hypocritical, considering her stance on my struggles with jealousy. It’s as though I’m expected to be completely accepting and supportive of her relationships, but the same doesn’t apply to her.

Moreover, she often doesn’t have time for me, citing her commitments with other partners. Yet, when I express feeling neglected or ask for more time together, she dismisses my concerns. She believes in a “relationship anarchy” model and that I’m being overly hierarchical. This imbalance is causing a lot of tension and resentment on my end.

I believe that love isn’t finite and that feelings for one person doesn’t mean that we don’t also care and love for others. I want to make this work, but I’m feeling increasingly frustrated and hurt. How can I address these issues without causing more conflict? Is there a way to navigate these feelings of jealousy and imbalance in a healthier, more constructive manner?

Sincerely, Lost in Polyland

Well this is an easy one: break up with her, LIP. Like, yesterday.

Sorry to be blunt about it this early on, but if I hadn’t seen people who behave like this with my own eyes, I’d be half-convinced this was a fake letter. As it is, every other line of your letter starts making my Spidey-sense tingle harder and harder until it’s a series of car alarms performing the Carol of the Bells at 4 AM.

There’s a lot going on here, but the big one is the way she’s brushing off your feelings, especially the feelings of jealousy.

One of the things that trip a lot of people up regarding polyamory or other forms of non-monogamy isn’t that it magically frees you from feelings of jealousy or envy or insecurity or whatnot, nor are poly people just immune to feeling jealous or neglected or the rest of the uncomfortable stew of emotions that can crop up in any relationship. Similarly, not everyone feels compersion – being happy that someone else is happy – for their partners’ relationships and feeling compersion isn’t the opposite or absence of jealousy. In fact, I’d recommend reading friend-of-the-column Dr. Liz Powell’s piece “Is Compersion Necessary for Polyamory”; as they put it, people can often feel compersion and jealousy or envy at the same time.

But here’s the thing about jealousy: a lot of times, jealousy is like the “check engine” light of the relationship. Sometimes it’s nothing; the emotional equivalent of having forgotten to tighten the gas cap all the way. Other times, however, it’s an indication that maybe there’s a need that’s not being met or a feeling that you’re not being treated as well as you should be.

This is why trying to not feel jealousy is a mistake. Feeling jealous doesn’t automatically mean that you’re doing something wrong, nor does it automatically mean that there’s an actual problem. It’s worth interrogating why you feel this way and if it’s an actual issue, or if it’s a nagging insecurity or what. Ideally, it’s also worth discussing with your partner, so that either they can provide some reassurance (if it’s nothing) or address the issue (if there is one).

But what your partner’s doing is basically abdicating her responsibilities to your relationship by brushing things off and telling you that it means you’re doing this wrong, somehow.

I suspect that part of the jealousy is stemming from the fact that you’re not getting as much time with her as you’d prefer. You, very understandably, would like to feel like a priority in her life, and she isn’t treating you like one. Now, there are times when it can feel like one’s partner is too “busy” or involved with other people – if they’re dating someone new and the New Relationship Energy is kicking in hard, for example. But part of relationship maintenance, especially in non-monogamous relationships, is being mindful of how you treat your partners and the nature of your relationship. If she’s doing the “non-hierarchical” version of poly, she certainly seems to be doing it wrong, seeing as you seem to be at the low end of her priority list.

And frankly that’s before we get to the “vetoing” your other potential partners, which, honestly, is a red flag for me. If this is truly an anarchic model of poly, then she really doesn’t have the authority to tell you who you can or can’t date. Or rather: she has the same right to feel the way she feels that you do. She can dislike things all she wants, but doesn’t have the “right” to demand that you end relationships any more than you do.

Honestly, when a more experienced partner is telling the less experienced one that they’re supposed to eat shit… well, my Spidey-sense moves on from Carol of the Bells to the Hallelujah Chorus.

I don’t know if your partner’s the type to weaponizes her jealousy to control you, if she’s just self-absorbed or just plain toxic, but this is a bad scene and you’re better off without her. My recommendation? Drop her like sixth period French and go reconnect with some of the people she “vetoed”. There’re much better matches out there, who will actually treat you with respect and not just brush off legitimate concerns with “not my problem.”

Good luck.