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Doctor’s Note: We’re continuing our look back with Ask Dr. NerdLove – Revised, as we look back at some questions from the earliest days of the column, answer them from a 2024 perspective and see what – if anything – has changed in the intervening years.
This letter was first answered on November 23, 2011
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I’m gonna apologize beforehand but it’s one of those “I have this friend…” questions. I’m a guy and this friend is a girl. Her boyfriend broke up with her after a very serious 2 year relationship (living together and all that stuff). The dude was very fucked up and turned my friend from a happy-go-lucky girl into a depressed, drawn-back husk of a woman.
She is on the road to recovery but every 3-4 months that guy gets in contact with her and tells her all about how he misses her and he can change and so on, they get back to together and after 3-4 weeks leaves her again, completely destroyed. She knows he’s bad for her but she has gone back to him several times even after breaks as long as 7 months.
My question is how I can help her getting over him, so she can lead a happy life again.
Emotional Life Guard
OK ELG, I’m going to start this with something I’m sure you already know. As cold as this is going to sound, you can’t save someone from themselves. Because at the end of the day, this isn’t just her ex working his magic Killgrave-esque mind-control powers over her, it’s a series of choices that she’s making every time she goes back to him. It’s not just the choice to give him a second chance or to try to start things over with him, it’s the choice to even let him contact her in the first place.
She has the ability to control who is and isn’t able to contact her, and how. She could, at any time, take The Nuclear Option on this guy – who sounds like the precise sort of person the Nuclear Option was made for – and keep him from ever talking to her in the first place. But she hasn’t. She continues to let him have access to her, to take his calls or read his texts and emails, and she lets him talk her into giving him another chance.
Those are choices that she’s making. Until she’s ready to start making different choices, there’s really not much that you can do – certainly not anything that she would thank you for. Sure, you could, say, grab her phone when she’s not looking and try to block and unfollow him on every social media app she has before she notices it’s gone… and then she’ll be unbelievably pissed at you for violating her privacy and going through her things.
And since murder-and-disposing-of-the-body is presumably off the table too… well, your options are going to be very limited.
And to be clear: this is a very common pattern in toxic and abusive relationships. People will often return to partners who’ve hurt them – physically and emotionally – multiple times before they’re ready to make a final break. It’s maddening to watch because everybody knows how it’s going to end. You know. She knows. She’s just hoping that maybe this time things will be different – maybe he really means those sweet promises and offers. Maybe he’s finally gotten the help he needs.
Or, more realistically: maybe this will be the time that lets her justify all the other times he was horrible to her and she won’t have to face the possibility that she’s someone who got into an abusive relationship and kept going back to her abuser. Because at the end of the day, one of the things that brings people back to their abusers is the desire to salve their ego; they don’t want to face the reality that they’re someone who could be stuck in an abusive relationship. They don’t want to see themselves the way they’ve looked at other people in shitty situations and thought “why don’t they just leave??”
Embarrassment and humiliation are motherfuckers, and they cause people to stick in shitty situations for far longer than they should. It’s easier to stay in an awful relationship than it is to face the potential judgement of others for being in it in the first place. Especially if they’re someone who’s judged others for similar situations.
The key is that, at some point, they’ll finally reach their breaking point. They’ll hit that place where they’re ready to make the final break, cut this relationship out for good and move on – not just shutting the door behind them but bolting it, then bricking it up and carving warning signs to future generations letting them know that this is no place of honor. Hopefully before they suffer from harm they can’t recover from.
But that’s something they have to do for themselves. You can’t make that call for them, nor can you push them to make it before they’re ready. You can certainly try, and maybe they’ll go along with it for a little while… but they’ll almost inevitably go back because it ultimately wasn’t a choice they made for themselves.
So what can you do? Well, to start with, you be the best friend she needs. That means that you make sure that she knows that you will always be there for her. If she needs you to talk her through the process of leaving for good, you’ll be there. If she needs a sanity check or a second opinion, you’re available at all hours. If she need someone to hold her hand while she finally pulls the trigger on leaving this relationship, then you will be by her side before she can blink.
One of the ways that people end up stuck in toxic relationships is that they end up being separated and isolated from their support networks. Sometimes the abuser is responsible – dripping poison in their victims ears so that they don’t trust their friends, or restricting their ability to contact people. Other times, their friends are the ones who end up making things worse – criticizing or mocking their friend (or people in her situation) so that they don’t feel safe reaching out. Or they may step away because they don’t want to deal with the frustration of the rebound cycle.
Don’t be that person. Part of breaking the cycle is having people who are unquestionably on their side, who they know they can turn to without fear of judgment and who will be the support they need in that moment. It’s a frustrating role to be sure – you’re going to be doing a lot of waiting – but being there when it counts is going to make all the difference.
The other thing you can do, which might (and I stress might) help accelerate the process, is to be the voice of reasonable doubt. You don’t necessarily want to ask things directly – “why are you letting him do this again?” – but you might get a different reaction if you point out that she’s trying to buy orange juice from the hardware store. That is: she’s likely hoping for things from this person that she’ll never get. Maybe there’s some emotional wound that she thinks that he’ll heal. Maybe it’s a form of validation or affection that she feels she needs and isn’t getting elsewhere. But it’s ultimately an illusion; whatever she thinks he’s going to finally give her will never appear, because it’s not something he has – so she’s functionally going to Home Depot trying to find family size cartons of Tropicana and wondering why she can’t find it anywhere.
And that’s part of the trap. Abusers are like angler fish; they’re very good at drawing their targets in by seeming like they’re offering something the target wants. Except it’s all an illusion, and by the time their target realizes this, it’s too late. But psychology being what it is, it’s a lot easier for someone to rationalize that it should be there than to recognize they’re looking in the wrong place. Doubly so if they’re afraid of facing up to how much time they’ve spent looking and having to admit that all that time was ultimately wasted. The sunk-cost fallacy has claimed many a victim this way.
If she’s willing to talk (and, importantly, to listen), you might ask what he’s promising her and whether he actually has the capacity to follow through. You might ask why this is going to be different, this time, instead of like every other time he’s sweet-talked her back into his clutches. But this requires a very deft, delicate touch; it’s all too easy to push a little too hard and trip the instinctive defensiveness that will drive her back into his arms.
So, as much as it sucks… the best thing you can do is be the support class here. She’s going to have to be the one to decide to break the cycle, and she’s going to do it in her own time. Your job is ultimately to make sure she knows she has the resources to do so, and that you’ll be there to back her up, no questions asked, no judgements given. It sucks, it’s maddening, and you’ll want to tear your hair out as he continues to drain the life from her. But it’ll be much easier for her to make that leap if she knows you will be ready and waiting to catch her when she does.
Good luck.
This question was first answered on October 11, 2011
Hey Doc,
I really like this girl. Ages ago I told her that I like her and we’ve been really close but we haven’t gone out. Now though she’s all over the other guy and the second she started I feel like I don’t exist anymore! Nothing changed between us and yet I feel that I mean absolutely nothing anymore and one day she’s going to cut off from talking to me all together.
Am I just getting paranoid? Should I tell her?
Left Behind
You’re not paranoid, LB, you’re just dealing with turbulent emotions. You’re feeling a mix of envy and jealousy regarding your friend, and it’s messing with your head.
“Hang on,” I hear you say, “how am I feeling envy and jealousy over this? That seems like it should be impossible.” Well, I’m glad you asked, convenient rhetorical device, because jealousy and envy aren’t synonymous, nor are they mutually exclusive. They’re very similar emotions, but they come from different places.
Envy is the desire for something that somebody else has – often, but not always something tangible. You might be envious, for example, of someone’s success in a field that you both share. Or you might be envious of their skill at a sport or game or a talent they have.
Jealousy, on the other hand, is the fear that someone else is going to take something you have. It’s anticipating not just a loss, but a loss to another person. So you if you see a co-worker getting praised by your boss for something you’re usually praised for, you might be jealous because you’re about to lose your position in your boss’ regard. Or you might feel jealous watching your girlfriend talk to somebody else because you’re worried that they’re going to somehow “steal” her away from you.
So, yeah, it’s entirely possible to feel both emotions, even when it’s ultimately over the same person or people.
In your case, you’re both envious and jealous of the guy your friend is dating. You’re envious because he’s achieved something you couldn’t – he’s in a relationship with someone you have feelings for. You like her, you want to be in a relationship with her but she doesn’t feel the same way about you. She still loves and cares for you, but not in the way you wish she did… the way she does for this other guy. You’re wishing that you could have what he does, that x-factor that made him a romantic partner and you a best friend.
You’re jealous, however, because you’re afraid that he’s going to take her away entirely. Yes, you want a romantic relationship with her, but you also want your friend in your life. Now that she’s got a new relationship, you worry that he’s going to take that from you, too.
And to be fair, it’s not an entirely unreasonable worry. Not in the sense that she’s going to drop you like fifth period French now that she’s got a new snugglebunny, but that when we’re in the early days of a new relationship, it’s really easy to lose oneself. That New Relationship Energy is intoxicating (literally; the combination of oxytocin and dopamine hit the pleasure centers of your brain like drugs and create a euphoric effect), and “got a girlfriend/boyfriend and now they don’t have time for their friends any more” is a cliché for a reason.
But there’s a vast difference from “they’re unavailable for a few weeks because they’re twitterpated” and “you’ve been discarded like week old bread and will never see them again”. The fact that she’s got a boyfriend doesn’t mean that her feelings for you have turned off like a light. It’s not like you were the off-brand substitute for what she was really looking for; you and she are close friends, good friends. That didn’t stop just because she’s dating someone.
Even if you don’t vibe with polyamory, it’s important to realize that love isn’t a zero-sum game. People love many at once. If you can love your dog (or cat or bird or lizard or…) and your family and love your friend, you already know this. The same is true for her; she can have feelings for the guy she’s seeing, and those don’t take away from the feelings she has for you. Emotions aren’t pie; what she feels for someone else doesn’t take away from what she feels for you.
Now what is finite is time – there’re only so many hours in the day and Euclidian physics mean that we can’t occupy two places at once. So it’s possible that you may see less of her for a while. That’s going to suck a little, but it’s important to realize that this isn’t forever, nor does it mean that she doesn’t care. It just means that something is looming so large in her mind at this moment that it’s easy to lose track of other things.
But I stress: may. Some people, even when they’re in the depths of NRE, are still very good at balancing their time with new partners and old friends. You know your friend and I don’t, so you’re going to have to be the one to tell me: is she someone who’s going to disappear off the face of the earth because she’s dating someone new?
But even if she is, that just means that you need to be proactive and make sure that the two of you don’t fall out of contact. You can still reach out and say “Hey, want to go do X?” or talk about the next season of Our Flag Means Death or what-have you. If it’s been a while, you can even say “Hey, it’s been a hot minute, let’s hang out!”
Yeah, you’re going to have to share her time, which can be frustrating if you haven’t had to before. You may even need to make compromises and hang out with her and the new beau as part of the price of spending time with her. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Yeah, he may be dating someone you wish you were dating, but he may still be a cool guy and worth getting to know. And you can still say to her “hey, we haven’t had any one-on-one time like we used to in a while, let’s make plans”. If she’s a good friend (and this isn’t just a hope of getting her alone to shit talk her boyfriend or try to woo her) then that shouldn’t be an issue.
Now, should you say anything? Well… honestly, I’m of the opinion that it’s better to wait until there’s a reason. Right now, you’re mostly dealing with what-if’s and brain-weasels gnawing on your anxieties. I think giving a little time so that you can see that no, it’s not going to be this nightmare scenario you fear is a good thing. A little reality in the face of the anxiety is often enough to make some anxieties go up in a puff of “well don’t I feel stupid”.
But nobody said anxieties are logical. That’s why they’re called “anxieties”. If it’s really an issue, in the “these feelings are getting in the way of actually living your life” sense, then yeah you can say “hey, I know I’m being a jealous bag of slop but I worry you’re not going to have time for me now that you’ve got this guy; can you give me a little reassurance I’m being absurd?”
But like I said: time is a zero-sum game, love is not. You and your friend have history together. It’s important to trust in your friendship and the connection you have. Her dating someone else doesn’t mean that you’re not important or no longer a priority. Just don’t be passive about it and let things fade. You have the power to reach out and stay in contact. Use it.
And in the meantime: do your best to be happy that she’s happy. After all, you’d want her to be happy for you if you found someone awesome, right?
It’s a confusing mess, but it’ll be ok. I promise.
All will be well.
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