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Hi Doc,
I’ve been reading your column for a little while now, and a lot of your advice has really been helpful for me in reframing some of my hangups around dating. Writing in now though because I have a problem that I don’t think I’ve seen addressed (or I just might have missed in the archives).
Some background, I’m a 27 year old bisexual (probably?) woman. I’ve got a new job that I’m enjoying so far, though it’s a lot more work than I’ve had in others, a great and fairly large social circle of friends and family, my own place that I really like, interests and hobbies I need to start picking back up now that the pandemic seems to be slowing down a bit, and I’m reaching a point where I want a relationship of some kind. I haven’t really dated much in general, a few first dates here and there and a 2 month thing in college that just sort of fizzled out. I mostly meet folks through dating apps nowadays, except the two month thing in college which was through a swing dancing club.
One other note is, I’ve never been diagnosed, but I definitely have some flavor of social anxiety, plus probably depression or possibly ADHD. I manage it fairly well, but it does mean that in new social situations I tend to be a bit on edge, and overcompensate by kind of putting on an over the top bubbly persona, which doesn’t always help people get to know the real me. I also somewhat regularly get overwhelmed with trying to balance work, basic life stuff (keeping apartment clean, cooking, keeping up with appointments, etc), and my social life, and usually the first thing that goes out the window for me is dating, so I’ll be the first to admit I’m not always putting effort into dating.
My main problem though is I’m having a hard time nailing down exactly what I’m looking for in a relationship. Like I said, I’m probably bisexual but I often feel more romantically attracted to masc-leaning folks but sexually attracted to femme folks, which is tricky. Additionally, I’m also not sure on the level of seriousness and commitment I’m looking for. I definitely want a long term committed partner eventually, but it takes me a while to warm up to folks. Even within my friend group, most of them are folks that I’ve known for years (still hang out with some folks I’ve been friends with in high school or earlier) and even then it took me a bit over a year to really feel comfortable and established with some of my newer friends.
On dating apps, when I’ve gone on dates with folks that are looking for something more serious, it always feels like I’m trying to force a connection, but conversely, if I go on dates with folks looking for something more casual, it often tends to just fizzle out with one of us ghosting the other. I also just have a hard time judging whether I’m even attracted to someone in the first place over an app and texts. In person, I tend to click better with people I meet and make friends fairly easily, but once again it takes me a while to figure out whether I’m actually attracted to someone. I think I’m probably somewhere on the demisexuality spectrum, but what that usually means is by the time I figure out I might be into someone, they’ve usually lost any interest they might have had or have started dating someone else by that point. And I once I do develop a crush on someone, they tend to be fairly intense and linger for ages even after I’ve confirmed that it isn’t going to happen, which makes it harder for me to be interested in other folks.
Part of the problem too is that I’m almost always the one to initiate. I don’t think I’m necessarily unattractive, but I am a bit overweight (working on getting back into dancing and weightlifting for that) and definitely not someone who has a bunch of folks pursuing them. I’ve gotten better about not being scared to be the one to initiate when I think I might be interested (thanks a great deal to a lot of your advice!) but it is kind of hard to be the initiator when you aren’t often sure of what you’re looking for yourself.
I could ramble on more, but in short, do you have any advice for how to date when you’re slow to warm to people and aren’t entirely sure what it is you’re looking for anyways?
Thanks,
Lukewarm and Indecisive
You’re not alone, LaI; there’re lots of folks out there who are unsure about precisely what they’re looking for in a relationship… or if they even want a relationship. It can be a tricky situation because there’s a lot of cultural push towards one kind of a relationship or another. You should want the spouse, 2.5 kids and a house with a lawn and white picket fence! No, monogamy is bad, you should have a poly arrangement! No, you want to marry your best friend, no you want to marry for practical reasons and so forth and so on. Get five people in a room and you’re gonna have six opinions about what kind of relationship people should have.
Of course, none of that’s terribly useful because ultimately, everyone wants the relationship that’s right for them and that’s going to vary from person to person. Hell, that’s going to vary over time with the same person. Back in the day (I remember this because apparently I am old), there were (male) celebrities who were celebrated as rakes or committed bachelors who liked to date around but never settle down and there was always rampant speculation about who would be the woman to finally “land” them and drag them to the altar. And yes, that’s the language they used, because this was seen as being a great challenge; would X be the woman who finally “won” and got Y to marry them?
It never seemed to occur to folks that it wasn’t about the “right” woman, it was about someone wanting to get married and commit to a long-term relationship instead of a series of short-term relationships. It wasn’t that X finally “broke” him like they were taming a wild horse, it’s that he started dating X at a time when he also wanted to get married and settle down and she was someone he felt he could have a long-term relationship with.
So right off the bat: it’s entirely possible – likely, even – that what you want will change over time. That’s normal. Sometimes the relationships you choose will be about what you want at this particular point in your life. Other times, they will be about learning what’s right for you and what isn’t. And despite what folks will tell you, it’s kinda hard to know what you want before you’ve even had one before. Everyone has moments where they learn that what they think they want isn’t what they actually want, or what they need. Poly folks will sometimes realize that they’re no longer polyamorous or interested in non-monogamy, and monogamous people will realize that the only reason why they’ve chosen monogamy was because they didn’t think there were other options. Some folks will realize they do best with a series of short-term relationships and others commit for life. And these are all valid choices and options. A relationship is no less significant or meaningful or important just because you or your partner(s) didn’t die in the saddle.
Similarly, your sexuality isn’t unusual either. While this has been the subject of much angst from people who live through it – and heated arguments in various aspects of the LGBTQ community – being bi or pansexual doesn’t mean that your romantic and sexual attraction are perfectly and equally split amongst various genders. Sexuality in general is a multi-axis spectrum, and plenty of folks will fall in different places on it. Lots of people may be sexually attracted to multiple genders, but form romantic attachments to one. That doesn’t mean that they’re “not really bi or pan”, it just means that hey, sexuality’s wild like that.
(Hell, even among people who’re monosexual, there’s wide variety in who people are attracted to and how; some folks have firm “types”, some have types that excite them sexually more than others but like those others too, some have types that they veer to romantically more than sexually, etc.)
What will help is to change how you’re looking at this issue. You don’t need to choose a particular relationship style right now, nor are you committed to it forever if you do. What I would suggest for you right now is to reframe the situation in your head; you’re exploring this heretofore neglected side of yourself and learning more about who you are, what you want, what you need and what works best for you. Going into dating – whether in general or with a specific person – with an attitude of “I don’t know where this is going, but I’m interested in seeing where it ends up” is an option. While this does mean that you probably don’t want to date folks looking for long-term commitment, since you can’t guarantee that’s what you want right now, it does mean that you don’t need to go looking for any one thing.
If you were going to prioritize anything, I would say that you may want to look more with an eye towards short-term relationships. That doesn’t mean strictly casual ones where there’s no expectation of commitment or monogamy, it just means not committing to a relationship with the expectation that this is going to be the last one you ever have or one that will last for decades. In general, it’s easier to pivot a short-term relationship into a long-term one than to go into a relationship with someone who wants long-term commitment and then realizing that’s not what you want.
The key here is to be upfront about what you’re open to and what you’re available for. Just as you don’t want to date someone who’s looking for the long-haul, you don’t want folks who you’re dating to think that you’re up for marriage, kids and the whole nine yards just now. That framing of “I’m exploring this side of myself and getting to know what I’m looking for” helps manage expectations. There’ll always be folks who don’t listen or think that they can change your mind, yes, but you can’t control what other people choose to assume; you can only give them information about you.
I do wonder if some of the struggles you’re having – such as your intense crushes that you know aren’t going anywhere, or your long lead-up to being attracted to someone until it’s almost too late – aren’t a self-defense mechanism of sorts. It’s entirely possible that yes, you’re demisexual; lots of people are slow burns instead of raging infernos. However, a lot of folks will develop crushes or attraction for people that are “safe”; that is, they only become attracted to people that they know on some level won’t reciprocate. It’s a perverse sort of emotional self-defense, protecting you from the fear of success. After all, if you don’t feel you “deserve” a relationship, then crushing on people who won’t return your feelings means that you’re never in the position of having to confront that supposed lack of deservedness. Similarly, if you’re never with someone, that means your relationships are strictly potential… and potential that never gets actualized is, by definition, perfect; something that doesn’t exist can’t have flaws or mistakes or even end because you screwed up.
But again, that’s a matter of exploration and self-discovery too. As you manage your anxiety and potential other complications, you may well find that these circumstances change – god knows getting my ADHD under control changed my outlook and anxieties about people. Or you may well learn that nope, you’re demi and that’s just how you roll. That’s not a problem to be solved, just a singular fact about you as a person.
I will say that the casual = fizzling out is a correlation, not causation issue. Dating is, to a certain extent, a numbers game; a lot of the folks you’ll meet, especially over dating apps aren’t going to be right for you. Sometimes people get lucky and meet the person of their dreams on the first try. Other times, it’s a matter of trial and error and self-discovery as you learn what you actually want and what you don’t want; people who seem to be perfect on paper turn out to not be a good match for you, or the things you wanted at one point in your life aren’t what you want now.
This, incidentally, is part of why I tell folks that dating apps should be a supplement to how you meet folks, not the only way. We as a species are built for in-person communication and so much gets lost when we’re not in physical proximity of one another that there’re things we just don’t know about people until we’re together in the same space. And many times, the things we don’t know – which can range from the specific pitch and timbre of someone’s voice, to the way they smell or taste, or even how they treat the waitstaff at the bar – has a direct affect on whether we’re attracted to them or not.
But as I said: if you think of this as a process of discovery and exploration, I think you’ll take the pressure off yourself and feel freer and more empowered to give things a try. It doesn’t need to be the last date you’ll ever go on or the last relationship you’ll ever have and that’s ok; you’re learning about yourself. Similarly, as you work on yourself and feel more comfortable and secure in your awesomeness, I think you’ll let down some of your defenses – like the over-the-top bubbliness – and feel secure in letting your true self shine through. The same applies to finding that work-life-relationship balance that’s so tricky for folks; you’re allowed to put things on pause while you try to get it right.
But when you do? You’re going to find that it’ll be like tipping that first domino, and things will start falling into place.
Think of it this way: you’re on the start of a great adventure of discovery. And what you find at the end is almost less important than what you’ll find on the way.
All will be well.
Dear, Dr. NerdLove,
There are some social skills that I just seem unable to confidently master, namely showing attraction through physical and sexual banter.
You see, if I’m on a date with a girl and feel attracted to her, I’d like to know if she’s in the mood to be kissed. So I need to ask “can I kiss you?”. If I just go for it, that’s running the risk of harassment and it would creep her out. So I have to ask. Different scenario: I’m on an outdoor date at a fun event or walk in the park and would like to show my interest, so I ask “Can I hold your hand?”.
I’m fine if I get rejected, as some things just don’t work out. The question is: Do I REALLY need to be smooth with somehow escalating physically or sexually with a girl even though I’m unable to read body language? I don’t think asking would make a difference if she doesn’t like me anyways. If she is attracted, then asking shouldn’t be a turnoff. Attraction is attraction, however, I’d like to hear your advice as you write some interesting articles and I’m looking forward to addressing my concern as I’m on the autism spectrum.
Am I fine with verbally asking for consent or does something need to change? I’m interested in more conservative women, so physical or sexual escalation may come a lot later for these kinds of dates. The last times my dates didn’t work out, it was with women who didn’t share my values or faith so we were not gonna mesh well anyways. But overall, should I be changing anything?
Nervous In Service
There’re a few things going on here, NIS.
First and foremost: you seem to have forgotten that being on a date with someone isn’t the same as flirting with a stranger you just met at the park or a party. If you’re on a date – and I mean an unambiguous date, not a nebulous “hang out” – then there’s a shared understanding that the two of you are at least exploring the possibility of a romantic or sexual relationship. While people may or may not be a “I don’t X on a first date” type, there’s an expectation and acknowledgement that this is about love and/or sexual attraction. Going for a kiss and getting waved off isn’t harassment or necessarily creepy. Going for it despite being waved off or at radically inappropriate moments (“wow, what a sad story about your goldfish… let’s make out” ) would be bad. If you lean in for a kiss and get cheeked or the “um, what?”, apologize. “Oh, shit, my bad, I misread the moment,” is something most folks are going to understand. The fear of misreading signals and committing a faux pas is damn near universal.
The next thing is the nature of confidence and attraction. You don’t need to have gone to the Lando Calrissian School For Players to be confident. Confidence isn’t about being smooth; confidence is about understanding your worth, your value and not relying on the validation of others. Being confident means you’re not so afraid of making mistakes that you freeze up rather than take a risk; you recognize that you may take a risk and fail, but failing won’t destroy you. You can be confident and nervous, because you want things to go well. You can be confident and still be afraid of it going badly because it’s important to you. But being confident means doing it anyway, even if your voice quivers and your knees shake.
At the same time, not being smooth isn’t the dealbreaker you seem to think it is. In fact, a lot of people, women especially, find nervousness endearing; the image of someone wanting something but being nervous and a bit shaky as they ask or go for it is like catnip for them. In many ways, that’s actually more authentic than when someone’s smooth as velvet. To put it in romance fiction terms, a Mr. Darcy confessing his feelings to Elizabeth with a tremor in his voice or in a halting, stuttery way – contrasted with his blunt, eloquent or steady speech at other times – is going to send a large number of folks looking for fresh pants in no small part because it means he’s letting his guard down and being real in a way that very few people ever get to see.
So as the general once said: stay afraid but do it anyway.
But if you’re someone who has difficulties reading signals or body language – or you just want to make sure that your date’s feeling the same moment you are – then yes, of course you should use your words and ask. Even in a non-romantic situation, making sure you understand or that other people understand you is important. Asking in order to ensure clarity and understanding are all good things, whether someone’s autistic or not.
Here’s the thing: wanting to make sure that your partner’s ready or interested in something you’re wanting isn’t a mood breaker. It’s better to err on the side of asking, especially if you’re unsure, because hey, now you have a definite answer instead of a guess. And there’re many, many ways to ask – some verbal, some non-verbal – that are not only not going to ruin the mood, but actually demonstrate confidence.
Let’s take the outdoor date example you mentioned. Asking “can I hold your hand” is acceptable. You could also hold out your hand, palm up as you get ready to walk in, or offer your arm as you escort her around. The meaning is fairly obvious: you’d like to hold her hand. The way you do it can be playful or gentlemanly, silly or debonair, but it gets the point across and doesn’t feel like some asshat’s idea of “the awkwardness of consent”.
Similarly, yes, asking to kiss someone is on the table. But not only is asking not automatically awkward or weird, it can be sexy as hell too. It’s all about the timing and method of delivery. If, for example, you have a moment during a date where, say, you’re at the park. You’ve gotten ice cream and now you’ve been walking together, talking and reach a part of the park where you have a gorgeous view of the pond and you’ve paused to take in the beauty of it all. In that moment, turning to her and saying “Could I kiss you right now?” isn’t awkward, so much as really romantic.
Another way is to not frame it as a question but as a statement. In that same situation, “I really would like to kiss you right now” is both romantic and daring. What you’re doing is making your interest clear – you want to kiss her – but saying it and waiting is giving her the chance to say “yes”, “no” or possibly even moving in and kissing you. The same applies to “I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now” during a suitably charged moment – standing close together after an emotional high-point, during a slow dance together and so on – isn’t just clearing things with her, it’s also pretty damn hot.
Even a playful or nervous (or both) “this feels like the point where we’re supposed to kiss” or something similar can work. It even plays into the “endearingly nervous” aspect I mentioned earlier. There’s a reason why “adorkable” is a thing, after all.
Now the place where you might run into trouble is if you’re dealing with conservatives. A lot of conservative people tend to romanticize ‘the way things were always done’, regardless of how awkward, painful or inconvenient it was and can still be. Many, especially if they’re particularly wed to traditions and old, outdated ideas about gender roles, would see asking as painfully awkward and weird. But that’s a them problem, not a you problem.
If someone finds your asking in order to make sure that everyone’s on the same page to be cringe or a mood killer and would prefer you pick the signs out of the ether, then all that’s happened is that you’ve found yourself on a date with someone who’s wrong for you. Someone who gives you shit for asking for communication in ways that you can understand is someone who’s revealed themselves to be an asshole and life is entirely too short to waste a minute on assholes. They’ve done you the favor of letting you know that they’re wrong for you, escorted themselves out of your dating pool and you are now free to go looking for someone who both recognizes that you’re communicating your needs and appreciates someone wanting to make sure that they want what you want.
Good luck.
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