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Hello Dr. NerdLove,
I’m a (28)F and I’ve never been interested in any sort of relationship before. However, I recently decided that I’m ready to start looking. A month ago, I went on a first date with a nice young man my same age.
The problem is, I feel like he’s moving along at Warp 9 and I’m still coasting on impulse engines. I enjoy spending time with him, and we have similar interests, but I’ve always had to take my time getting to know someone before I’m comfortable with them.
He seems to be very physically affectionate and keeps talking about how much he likes spending time with me. I’ve tried explaining to him that I feel like he’s moving too fast and that I need him to slow down a bit. But he keeps insisting on holding my hand and trying to hug me after our third date. I DO NOT like being touched by people I don’t know very well. And I’ve told him this several times.
He is also asking me out almost every day and is VERY disappointed if I’m busy with something else. I need some alone time during the week to recharge and social situations are very draining for me. I feel like he expects there to be a good excuse if I can’t see him and he gets upset if I don’t offer one. He told me once that he was “going to cry”.
The other day he asked me if I wanted to date exclusively.
I feel like we haven’t known each other long enough for that. But he didn’t really wait for an answer and just kept complimenting me so I couldn’t get a word in edgewise and kissed me when separated for the night. (If you could call it that. He basically surprise pecked me on the lips and ran away.) I would have preferred if he asked for a kiss as I’ve expressed before that I’m not even comfortable holding hands yet. But maybe he knew that I would’ve said no.
I’ve only known him for a month, and I don’t have much experience in dating at all. On top of this I’m autistic. He doesn’t know this because I don’t like telling people right away.
Sometimes when people find out they react negatively or start treating me like I’m 3. I need there to be a certain level of trust before telling someone I’m neurodivergent. So, I’m not comfortable telling him at this point.
I feel like this isn’t working out because he isn’t respecting my boundaries. But am I right? I’ll be the first to admit that a lot of social rules confuse me. Is it typical for a relationship to move this quickly? And is there a better way to tell him to slow down without telling him I’m autistic?
I’m very overwhelmed and I’m hoping that there is someone out there who will just slow down and go with me at my pace. Is this an unrealistic expectation?
-Overwhelmed and Exhausted
Alright OaE, I’m going to skip to the end and then we’ll back up and I’ll go through things and explain them. But for right now I think the most immediate thing you need is this: everything you’re feeling about this guy – how exhausting you find him, how uncomfortable he makes you – are warning signs. They’re your mind and body trying to tell you that this guy is bad news. They’re red flags, warning you about a bad situation, and it’s good to pay attention to them. It’s important to learn to trust your Spidey-sense when it starts tingling, and that’s exactly what’s going on here. Your Spidey-sense is going off and telling you that you’re in danger, girl.
Dump this guy. What he’s doing is displaying a constant disregard for you comfort, your wishes and your interests. He’s bulldozing over you boundaries, ignoring your very reasonable requests and otherwise completely disregarding how you feel. These are not good qualities in a partner and especially not in your first relationship. You deserve much better than this, and you’re not going to get it from him. And, quite frankly, I don’t think there’s any real indication that he’s going to listen, improve or change.
So, that in mind, let’s rewind a bit to where I would normally start.
This is a classic case of “the problem you’re asking about isn’t the problem you actually have“, OaE. Or rather, it’s not the only problem you have. The fact that this guy is moving far faster than you’re comfortable with is a very real problem. There is no “required” speed for a relationship to progress at; relationships move at the speed that both partners feel comfortable with. Please notice very carefully that I said both partners; this is important. Relationships are partnerships, collaborations, where all parties contribute and all parties benefit. While no relationship is going to be perfectly equitable in all things – there’s always a certain amount of compromise – everyone should feel satisfied with the balance overall.
That’s not happening here, and that’s bad.
Right off the bat, here’s information you need for this and all future relationships: you have the absolute right to decide how fast or slowly you want a relationship to progress. You have the absolute right to say “Hey, I prefer to take things at a slower pace and this is moving far faster than I’m comfortable with.” If your pace is too slow for someone you’re dating and you feel comfortable moving a little faster, that’s one thing. You can decide that you’re willing to try moving a little faster if that’s something you’re ok with trying. But again, the important part here is “if that’s something you’re ok with trying.”
By that same token, other people have the right to say “I prefer relationships that progress at this speed,” or to say “Hey, I feel like this may be moving at a slower rate than I prefer”. That’s their right too. They can also decide to slow things down and move at a pace you’re more comfortable with if that’s a thing that they’re ok with.
In both of these cases, if there’s a mismatch – if they want to move faster, and you want to move slower – then you can see about working out a compromise. You can discuss which aspects are moving too quickly for your comfort or too slowly for theirs. You can see if there are places where one or the other of you might adjust things without speeding up or slowing down the entire relationship. Or you can decide that there’s no room to compromise or no way to make a compromise work that you would both be satisfied and end the relationship.
What they don’t have is the right to unilaterally demand that you match their pace if you don’t feel comfortable with this. So if Person X wants a relationship that’s faster than you’re comfortable with and doesn’t want to compromise or slow down? Then the answer is that they can leave. Or – if they’re acting like the guy you’re currently seeing – you can leave them. You don’t need to justify it or give a “reasonable” excuse for breaking up with them. You don’t need their approval to end the relationship. You can just end it. Never forget: relationships are double opt-in affairs; both people have to agree to be in it. If one person disagrees, the relationship’s over. And you can leave a relationship for any reason or no reason at all. They might not be good or rational reasons. But that doesn’t matter. People might disagree with your reasons. That doesn’t matter either. If you decide you want to break up with someone because of the way that their nose whistles when they breathe, that’s your call.
But for the record: what this guy’s doing is a good reason to break up, because this goes beyond the speed that he’s moving at.
Remember what I said about how the problem you’re asking about isn’t the problem you have? Here’s the bigger, more concerning problem: he’s ignoring your boundaries and your protests. He’s either oblivious to your comfort and preferences or he’s ignoring them. The former is concerning. The latter is sinister.
Let’s go over some of the ways he’s ignored you and pushed past your boundaries. First, he’s ignoring you when you tell him that he’s moving too fast and you’d like him to slow down. You’ve said this several times and he’s ignored it. That’s bad. Either he’s not listening or he’s ignoring what you’re saying because he doesn’t like the answer. Neither of these are signs that he’d make a good boyfriend. A good boyfriend is concerned about your comfort and preferences, not just his own. A good boyfriend isn’t going to be a complete push-over who only does the things you want or prefer, but he’s not going to ignore your wishes either.
Then there’s the fact that he’s physically affectionate with you in ways that you are uncomfortable with. You’ve told him that you don’t like being touched by people you don’t know well, many times. And yet he keeps taking your hand, hugging you and at one point, kissed you before you were ready. Again: he’s ignoring things you’ve clearly stated. You’ve said you aren’t comfortable being touched by people you don’t know well, but he keeps insisting on touching you. Maybe – if I’m being charitable – he thinks you should know him well enough to be comfortable now. That doesn’t matter; you aren’t there yet. His opinion on how comfortable you should be with him doesn’t override how you actually feel about it yet. Since you don’t feel comfortable with him yet or that you know him well enough yet, then hey, he doesn’t get touching privileges. Your body, your rules, end of discussion.
He’s ignoring that, because he doesn’t seem to care how you feel. That’s very bad. And I say “doesn’t care” because of what you say here: “But he didn’t really wait for an answer and just kept complimenting me so I couldn’t get a word in edgewise and kissed me when separated for the night.” I strongly suspect this is deliberate. I think he knows that if he overwhelms you with a torrent of words, you won’t be able to object. And if you don’t say “no” or whatever, he can say (to himself or to you) that you didn’t actually refuse him or turn him down. So I think you are absolutely, 100% correct when you say “But maybe he knew that I would’ve said no.” Based on what you’ve said, this sounds like his modus operandi.
You’ve said, multiple times, that you don’t want him touching you the way he has. He ignores it and goes for a kiss instead. By now he should know exactly how you feel about being touched; you’ve said so enough times. So again: it seems pretty clear that he doesn’t care how you feel about it. Yes, it’s certainly possible that he’s so mind-bogglingly ignorant that he doesn’t understand that you mean it when you say that you don’t like him touching you like this. But if that’s the case, then he probably shouldn’t be allowed out in society. If he’s literally that unaware of what people say or that they mean it when they say “please don’t do X”, then he’s a potential danger to himself and others.
All of that alone is reason to dump him; this is a pattern of very concerning behavior as he disregards your stated preferences and instead pushes for what he wants every time. Even under the most charitable reading, that’s incredibly bad. And while it’s theoretically possible that he honestly is just that ignorant… well, it’s not your job to teach him.
Similarly, there’s the way he pushes to see you every day and makes you feel pressured to say yes. If you don’t have a “good” reason, then he uses his sad feelings as a cudgel against you. I’m going to be explicit here: this is incredibly toxic, and it’s very much a red flag. This is the sort of behavior that can become abusive very quickly. Not all abuse is violence. Emotional abuse – including weaponizing one’s “disappointment” or “sadness” or what-have-you – is a real thing. Pushing you to do things you’re not comfortable with or to neglect your own needs because it makes him sad when you say no is abusive behavior. It’s not your job to keep him from having a sad at all times, especially when that means you have to hurt yourself in the process. He’s setting up a dynamic where you have to do what he wants or else he gets sad and then blames you for it. That’s toxic and abusive and you want no part of this.
And to be clear: even if he’s not doing that intentionally – even if he isn’t sitting in his room, plotting out exactly how he’s going to get you to agree to whatever he wants and is just reacting out of pure instinct – that doesn’t make it less toxic or less harmful. Unintentional harm is still harm. Just because someone didn’t mean to step on your foot doesn’t mean that they didn’t step on your foot. It still hurts.
Here’s a perfectly good reason to not see someone or go out with somebody on a particular day: you don’t want to. That’s the only reason you need. You’re allowed to prioritize yourself and your needs and you’re especially allowed to say “I can only go out on X days, because I need Y time to recharge my energy” or say “I can’t do Z because I don’t have the energy or the time or the spoons to do so”. He can be disappointed, sure. It always sucks when you hope to see someone you like and they can’t make it. But there’s a difference between feeling disappointed and wielding one’s disappointment like a weapon at someone else. Which is what this guy is doing.
I don’t think telling him that you’re autistic is going to help. I have a suspicion that this would be one more thing he’d use against you. He’s already treating you with disrespect. He doesn’t respect your stated wishes or your boundaries. If you were to tell him that you’re neurodivergent, I have the suspicion that he’d say that this is why you should listen to him because he “knows” better or something equally ableist. Just as importantly though: I don’t think he’s earned your trust enough for you to disclose this to him. If anything, I would say that he’s given you ample reasons to not trust him.
So, like I said at the top: you’re seeing a lot of red flags and feeling your Spidey-senses warning you about danger. I think you should trust them. This guy is bad news, he’s not going to get better, and the best thing you can do for yourself is practice your enforcing your boundaries… starting with dumping him. Tell him that it’s over, then block his number, block him on social media and otherwise cut off any means he has of contacting you. The way he acts when you tell him you can’t see him? That’s exactly what he’s going to do when you tell him it’s over, and it doesn’t do you any good to give him the opportunity to try to push you to take it back.
Remember: “No” is a complete sentence. That means that you don’t need to justify your saying “no”, nor do you need to explain it or contextualize it. You can just say “no” and that is the end of discussion. Especially with people who are determined to not respect or not listen to your “no” in the first place.
There’re much better people out there. There are people who will respect your boundaries, who will respect your wishes and preference to move slowly. There will be people who will be worthy of your trust and who will act to earn it, who will listen to you and take you seriously instead of trying to bowl you over. You should find those men out there; they’re the ones who are worth your time.
This guy? This guy absolutely isn’t, and you will be much happier when you don’t have to worry about dealing with him any more.
And please: write back to let us know how you’re doing.
Good luck.
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