How Do I Learn To Be More Charismatic?

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I am a man in my early thirties and I write to consult you on arcane matters of the mysterious social realm. As the title says, I sacrificed my charisma stat and put everything into intelligence because I thought it would give me the life I wanted; and like a monkey paw wish, I succeeded at a dreadful price. I have a good job where I’m very competent, but I’m finding that others pass me by because they’re way more sociable. I can’t make new friends. Almost every interaction feels like I’m either rolling at a disadvantage or trying to perfect-parry a rapier with a giant slab of steel.

As a teenager I was never the most conventional or socially graceful person. One of my favorite teachers affectionately called me “dry”, and the two questions I probably have heard the most in my life are ‘Why am I so quiet?’ and ‘Why am I so serious?’. Slow to warm up to people. Not good at talking in groups. Awful at making conversation without pauses, silences or simply not knowing how to continue them. I rarely connected or ‘clicked’ with people. The few times I have been able to make friends were accidental: A talkative person likes me, and decides I’m their designated quiet friend; it’s a strange dynamic but I have a couple of decades-long friendships like that.

So we had awkward, strange and unusual me. Unfortunately, instead of improving I decided to lean into that and went full “academic loner”, so my social skills developed very unevenly. What followed was a very lonely college experience, and then a demanding and isolating job. After that, I needed a change in my life, so I quit, went for different work and just as I was starting to climb out of the hole, the pandemic happened and stretched for a long time, making things worse little by little. The present result is that I feel like I have turned from a socially awkward human into a half-feral cryptid.

I’m just managing to keep the few friendships I have, and my romantic life consists of two dates, a bunch of unrequited crushes, and a few hollow sexual encounters of the paid kind. Where do I even start to fix it? I’m not sure how I can make the best of my personality. I can’t compare to people who are easier to chat with, warmer or just more fun to be around. I don’t know how to connect better with people. Please help guide this maidenless foul tarnished to get to the next level.

Regards
Nosferatu No More

I’ve got good news for you, NNM: what you’re lacking are just social skills. Part of the problem that you’re having is that you’re acting as though charisma and charm are immutable, inherent abilities. They’re not; they’re something that you learn and thus can be acquired at pretty much any age. That’s why they’re called social skills; they can be improved through deliberate practice.

So most of what you need to do is just that: practice.

The bad news is what you need to do is practice. Which means that you need to be willing to embrace the pain period. This is what trips a lot of people up – not just the feeling that you have to be good right off the bat, but that you’re going to spend a not-insignificant amount of time being painfully aware of how not-good you are at it. This is an inherent part of how you make progress. It’s a radical simplification, but the easiest way to think of it is that there are four stages to skill acquisition:

1. unconscious incompetence (you don’t know what you’re doing and you aren’t aware of what you don’t know)
2. conscious incompetence (you don’t know what you’re doing and you’re aware of what you don’t know)
3. conscious competence (you know what you’re doing but you have to actively think about how to do it)
4. unconscious competence (you know what you’re doing and you can do it without thinking)

Right now, you’re functionally at stage 2. You know that you lack the skills and you have a vague idea of what’s needed, but you don’t actually have the experience or knowledge of how to make it all work.

This is the part that trips people up. Being aware that you’re doing badly at something that other folks theoretically already know makes you feel bad. You feel like everyone is looking at you with pity as you stumble your way through what everyone else could do from birth (or so your jerkbrain says).

It’s important to grit your teeth and white-knuckle your way through this period. As uncomfortable as it can be, sucking at a skill is – to paraphrase the sage – the first step towards being good at something. So if you want to improve your charisma and social skills, you have to be willing to embrace the fact that you’re going to be bad at it for a while. That means you’re going to have to be willing to accept all sorts of flubs, failures and embarrassments with grace.

The other thing is that you’re going to have to go out and actually practice those skills. At first it can feel relatively easy; the first thing I generally recommend people do is get used to asking strangers for the time or directions. This is something that most folks can do with relative ease. But as you practice, you’re going to have to deliberately seek out opportunities to talk to people. That means you’re going to have to stretch your muscles and force yourself to engage with folks outside of your immediate circle, which is where things get intimidating. This may mean striking up conversations with people at work that you don’t normally talk to, brief conversations with strangers at lunch or while getting coffee or just running errands.

Now it’s worth noting that you don’t have to be a chatterbox in order to be charismatic or skilled, socially. You can be quiet or serious and still be charismatic. Much of it comes with how you conduct yourself and the way you look at things. A simple shift of your mindset can make a huge difference; instead of being worried about awkward pauses, you’re going to be thoughtful. You’re not serious so much as very targeted with your humor, deployed with the precision of a fencer with a rapier.

Something thing to keep in mind is that while charisma is very individual and can look different from person to person, there are a few things that are true about charismatic people in general. To start with, you want to show interest in other people. Part of the reason why Tom Cruise is so magnetic is that he makes people feel like the most interesting person in the room. Wanting to get to know more about people, what interests them, makes them tick and what they think or do is an important part of charisma.

It also means that you can spend more time letting other people talk about themselves. Which can help with the whole “quiet” aspect.

Part of what will help is to find things that you and they have in common. We like people who are similar to us, so the more that you find areas where you can agree, where you have shared or similar experiences or beliefs, the more people will be drawn to you. You don’t want to be a yes-man or a suck up, so don’t agree with things you don’t actually believe; just look for commonalities and emphasize them.

The other is warmth. As with showing interest, exhibiting personal warmth and letting people feel like you like them is an important part of being more charismatic. This means being expressive – giving warm, genuine smiles, expressing admiration and targeted complements. It also means making sure you have more open and relaxed body language – keeping your body angled towards the person you’re talking to (though not fully facing them, at first), not crossing your arms or folding in on yourself or putting barriers between you and them and giving them meaningful eye contact. You also want it clear that you’re giving them your full attention; if you’re looking around the room, checking your watch or otherwise giving “not actually listening” signals, people are going to think that you’re not paying attention.

Now, if there’s one tip I can give: when you’re starting out, less is going to be more. Your letter is very florid and feels very “written” – this is going to come off to a lot of folks as being very “try hard” to an extent. At first, simple and understated is going to be easier for you, especially as you get more of a feel for what works for your personality. As you get more practice, you can put a little more flourish and it’ll feel more natural – to you and the people you’re interacting with. But at first, I suspect you’ll find it easier to keep things relatively simple; you’ll be doing less second-guessing or wondering why you said things that way and far fewer times when someone misunderstands you.

If it helps, don’t think of this as trying to hide who you are, so much as just calibrating to the situation – code switching, if you will. Just as you don’t necessarily talk to your friends the same way you talk to your boss or your teachers, you’re going to have a slightly different way of talking while you practice. And as you reach that space between the third and fourth stages, you’ll find more and more areas where you feel comfortable and confident in your individual quirks and personal style and understand how best to deploy them… and when.

But for now, start finding opportunities to just make small talk with people. Social skills are like a muscle; the more you use them, the stronger they get. Grit your teeth and push through the awkward and the weird feeling; you’ll get through it much faster than if you try to avoid it entirely.

Good luck.

Hi Doc,

My Girlfriend (22F) and I (21M) broke up after 15 months, but what was said left me very confused and lost.

My girlfriend and I split up recently, and we have been in no contact for a month now. The relationship was progressing nicely. We did have some bumpy moments but we were always able to talk things out and move forward. On the night of the breakup She said “I think I might be bisexual”, and went onto explain why. I’m completely fine with this, and happy that she was able to openly and honestly tell me this, but she then straight after confessed that she cheated on me with another girl on a trip away. They were hanging out for a couple of days and she really enjoyed their company, and then after one of their parties that’s when it happened. She was very upset about it, and tried to play it off like it was a mistake but never said that it was a mistake.

We both agreed to break up because she was confused about her feelings and I was obviously in shock. I think we both need space from each other to process our thoughts and feelings. I wasn’t angry at her, but I was disappointed that she couldn’t communicate her feelings before going behind my back.

The part that has hurt the most is she then went on to say that she does love me and wants to be with me in the end. That comment has made me feel quite lost because I love her too and want to make it work, but I can’t wrap my head around why she would say that but now treat me like a stranger.

Any advice for my situation?

Should I be reaching out to her to discuss our situation, and where I stand on it? Or do I need to wait for her to reach out me?

I look forward to your reply.

Kind regards,

Torn Between Two Loves

That’s rough bud, I’m sorry.

Unfortunately, there really isn’t that much that can be done right now. This is something that she’s trying to work through for herself, and it’s going to have to happen on her time and at her pace. Your being involved isn’t going to make things easier; if anything, it’s going to work against you. You aren’t going to be able to convince her that she should come back before she’s ready, but it’s going to be very easy to push too hard and end up pushing her away. Trying to thread that particular needle requires a very delicate touch and honestly, most people aren’t going to have it. Especially not when the wound is this fresh.

Now the good news is that I don’t think she’s lying or that she doesn’t love you. While it’s certainly possible – likely, even –  that she’s given you the sanitized version of how things went down, I think that she’s fundamentally honest at the core.

Part of why she didn’t talk to you about these feelings at first is that she may well not have been able to explain them to herself. If she’s identified as straight for most of her life, the odds are good that she may not have understood the feelings she had for women. If she had neither the experience nor the vocabulary, she may well have been unsure of what she was feeling. A lot of women who love women had to take time to recognize that their feelings for other people were more than just weird friendships or odd fascinations. If she grew up in a conservative family, she may have been actively trying to repress those feelings or felt intense guilt and shame around them.

It could also be that this happened faster and more intensely than she would’ve expected. If, again, this is something she didn’t know about herself, it may well have happened in a rush that she wasn’t expecting or braced for.

Does this make things better or less painful, especially for you? I would be surprised. But I don’t think she’s being dishonest with you or that she doesn’t care for you. And even if this does change things… well, the fact that someone doesn’t love you the way you wish they did doesn’t mean that they don’t love you as best they can or as strongly as they do.

I think what she is right now is very confused and dealing with both the fear of the unfamiliar and the thrill of the new. A first crush and a first sexual experience can be intense and occasionally overwhelming. If you remember the first time you’ve ever experienced puppy love or limerence you likely can understand just how all-consuming it can be. It can even be incredibly distressing and uncomfortable if you’re already in love with someone else – just look at all the letters I get about people who are having freak outs over getting sudden or intense crushes while they’re in happy relationships with other people.

Your ex is in a place where she’s trying to sort out what she feels, what this means for her and what she wants. She’s likely having to confront who she is, now, too. Realizing that she’s bisexual is something that can be a massive blow to her sense of identity, and it’s going to take time to sort through.

None of that is going a simple or easy process, and having someone sitting on the sidelines quietly (or not-so-quietly) urging and pushing her in one direction isn’t going to help. No matter how well-intentioned.

As cold comfort as it may be, this really is a case of “it’s not you, it’s me”.

And I’m going to be honest with you: she may not be bisexual. This discovery may be the starting point, and she may well realize that she’s closer to the gay side of the spectrum than she previously realized. So, when she’s figured things out and has a better sense of who she is and what she wants… well, unfortunately, that may well mean that what she wants isn’t going to be a romantic or sexual relationship with you. I can’t tell you how likely or unlikely that is, but it is a distinct possibility and it’s one you should be prepared for.

This is why the best thing you can do for right now is accept things at face value: she loves you and that hasn’t changed, but she needs to figure out who she is and what this means and she can’t do that while she’s in a relationship with you. By that same token, I don’t think she would want you sitting around waiting for her, especially when there’s no guarantee that she’ll come back. As someone who loves you, she’d want what’s best for you… and that means accepting that this relationship ended and the best thing you can do is find your way to move forward.

Now here’s the thing to keep in mind: this relationship has ended. She isn’t the person she was when you started dating; neither are you. If you and she are right for each other, you’ll still be right for each other down the line, when she knows more about herself and you’ve had your time to mourn the loss, move on and grow. Let her go for now. Feel the fuck out of your feels over this by all means. Your relationship ended and that hurts. It deserves to be mourned, so mourn it. But then let it go and let yourself be open to love elsewhere. In time, you and she may circle back around and make another go of it. If – and that is, admittedly, a big if – this happens, it’s going to be a new relationship and should be treated like one. You won’t be who you were when you started dating and neither will she; expecting your relationship to be the same is unfair to both of you. Trying to leap back into what you had will be a disservice to you both.

So for now, you need to let yourself move on. Holding on and waiting for her to come back isn’t fair to you and isn’t what she would want for you. She has to go on this journey by herself. She knows where to find you and how to reach you when she’s ready. Let her be the one to reach out when she’s ready.

Good luck.