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I’m an attractive young woman (26) who is not super experienced with dating. I’ve been doing online dating and it’s been going pretty well and I’ve met some great guys. The problem I’m coming across is that they try to move really fast physically. I can’t blame or judge them, they’re guys and they’re different. The problem is I don’t know how to let them know I may not want to kiss until the 3rd or 4th date to feel comfortable and enjoy it. I’ll never be a first date kisser or even second date kisser and I think that’s perfectly reasonable especially if it’s a stranger I meet online. I could maybe get through it on the 2nd date but I’m still learning more about them and I don’t want to think of a kiss as “getting through it”.
How do I navigate this without pursuing a guy but letting him know I’m interested? I’m a slower mover and just because I don’t kiss on date one and have sex on date 5-6 doesn’t mean I’m not interested in them or that I’m a prude.
How do I date without giving in to their timeline and letting them make all the decisions on timing with the physical? I don’t judge them for wanting to move really fast so I don’t want them to judge me for needing some sort of emotional connection or a bit more time to feel excited and enjoy it. I know I’m a minority but I feel like I [we] need some advice.
Sincerely,
Brooke
Nick is a modern man who considers himself highly evolved. He thinks that women are equal to (and often greater than) men. And since he is bright and analytical — the kind of guy who questions things — it’s occurred to him that the old tradition of men paying for women on dates just seems so…anachronistic. Unfair. Silly, even. Nick’s concluded that the kind of woman he’s looking for is the one who doesn’t expect men to have to call and plan and pay for first dates. He’s looking for an equal, and an equal would have no problem with this obviously fair arrangement.
Nick wonders why he doesn’t get any second dates.
After all, he’s a great guy — honest, ethical, creative, and yes, even GENEROUS — once he feels a woman has earned the right to be the recipient of his generosity.
What would you tell Nick to do?
He could stick with the way he’s doing things. That’s what he feels is right. That’s what he’s comfortable with. He’s just not getting the response from women that he’d like.
On the other hand, he could adjust and pick up the check because it’s far more effective in making a good first impression.
Life is but a big Venn Diagram. There’s what you want. There’s what he wants.
Your situation really isn’t that different, Brooke.
Life is but a big Venn Diagram.
There’s what you want. There’s what he wants. The point on the graph where your two circles overlap is your relationship. The more overlap you have, the healthier the relationship. The more people you overlap with, the easier it will be to find a relationship.
I’m a Jewish atheist. If I made “Jewish atheist” a requirement for marriage, I would have restricted my search to .2% of the American population. And that’s before factoring in things like looks, personality, intelligence, kindness, emotional availability, common goals, etc.
I chose to open up. It’s not that it’s impossible to find people like me. There are just a lot fewer than I’d like. My “compromise” was marrying an attractive, cool, funny, smart, generous, kind, easygoing Catholic woman – and it’s a choice that makes me happy every single day.
You don’t want to compromise in this situation. You want men to compromise on your behalf.
You’re not giving men what they want. You’re doing what you want.
Unfortunately, that’s not how things work.
In any situation, you have two choices:
Do what you’re doing. Do something different.
You wrote to me because you “think it’s perfectly reasonable” to delay kissing until the third date, you don’t want to “give into their timeline” and insist that you’re not a prude.
Fine by me. No judgment here. You are not obliged to change one bit.
The problem is that your way isn’t working. You’re not happy with the results. So you turn to me for — what, exactly?
Permission to continue to do what you’re doing? Advice on how to make it work better? A script for how to explain your stance to men without sounding too uptight or awkward?
Honestly, I don’t get it.
You are not “wrong” for needing more time and connection before kissing.
You are wrong if you think that most men will be fine getting a speech and a hug when they’re going in for the kiss.
In short, Brooke, you’re not giving men what they want. You’re doing what you want.
That’s okay, but, from here, you’re no different than Nick, another wonderful person who remains shocked that women don’t respond to him, but refuses to compromise on his stance.
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