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Hi Dr NerdLove,
This question may be a little all over the place but hopefully you can help me out.
I’ve been dating this girl for around four months. I am really into her, but the mixed signals she is giving me has me in a constant tailspin and I’m about to throw in the towel !
The mixed signals started immediately after our first date, she shot me a message a few dates later saying she did not want to come to the second as she doesn’t think it would work out. I was surprised as we got along well, but I thought “it is what it is” and shot her a message back saying “sorry to hear that, let me know if you change your mind”. A few hours later she asked to see me and we met up, she apologised and said she was having a bad time and that she shouldn’t have messaged me that. I told her its fine but simply if we see each other again, not to dick me around.
We have spent a lot of time together since then. Whenever we have been together in person she is great, out with that, not so much. After a month or two we agreed to be exclusive but not put a label on it.
She then proceeded to constantly post provocative photos to social media etc, make jokes about “other guys” to me and in many cases, be quite disrespectful. Often times her texts would be extremely and frustratingly short, to the point where I assumed she was no longer interested. On at least two occasions I was going to just drop it due to this, but she convinced me in person that I was taking her the wrong way and she really likes me.
These behaviours gradually tapered off, and I stopped having doubts about the relationship and chalked it up to “playing hard to get”. She could still be quite disrespectful, but each time I would say to her I don’t like it and to stop, and she did so.
She then began introducing me to family and friends, which I went along with willingly. I took that as a sign she was sure of me and that this “game playing” was behind us. Bear in mind, in person we got along very well, or I wouldn’t have bothered to continue it. She lied about various things such as her “body count” and openly told me despite me being the only person supposedly to make her orgasm I’m maybe in the “top 3” of her former partners.
Upon meeting her friends, they pestered me as to why I hadn’t made it official. These factors made me feel secure in that it was going somewhere and on the same page and I began to think about introducing her to my family and friends, have agreed to go to more of her family functions with her and have agreed a trip abroad in a few weeks time.
Then out of nowhere, the same game playing behaviours have began once again. Leaving me on read for hours at a time, short replies, and now even acting confrontational and snippy in person. However, she is still visiting me in person very often and we are still having sex often.
At the moment I have simply backed off a bit as I’m not exactly sure what to do here. I powered through the initial “game playing” however I’m not sure I can be bothered going through it a second time, especially now I have seen how sweet and affectionate she can be.
Any advice would help,
Thanks
Signal Confusion
First things first, SC, let me give you some advice that’ll help you immensely in the future: if you’re referring to someone over the age of 18, you’re better off calling her a woman. Calling her a girl, at best, comes off as patronizing, and I’m sure you don’t want people to think that.
But actually, while we’re on the subject, let’s talk a bit about phrasing, meaning and understanding what someone’s saying. So, if you’re a long-term reader, I’m sure you’ve seen me say “the problem you have isn’t the problem you think you have”. On the surface, that seems pretty obvious; it means that someone is talking about an issue that isn’t actually there, when the REAL issue is something else entirely.
Well, there’re other ways that can work as well. Sometimes what it means is that you’re seeing a problem where there isn’t one, interpreting things in a way that actually works against you and, as a result, creating a problem where one doesn’t really exist. Or, at least, one that doesn’t need to exist and ultimately exists in you, not in them.
In this case, the problem is that you think your partner’s playing games. Here’s the thing: there’re two types of folks who play games. There’re people who get off on being in control or who think relationships are about power and play games in order to keep the upper hand. The other type are people who’re afraid of being honest or vulnerable and so play games to avoid having to put their true selves out there. But the people who are truly just playing hard-to-get or weird head games are relatively rare; most of the time it’s a case of one person not understanding what the other is doing and making assumptions instead of just using their words or, in some cases, laying down some boundaries. And quite frankly, the people who tend to play weird head-games and deliberately send mixed signals tend to be pretty easy to spot. Most folks aren’t nearly as Machiavellian as they like to think they are. It’s almost always pretty obvious in intent and deed.
So what about the case of your girlfriend? Is she playing games? Well, if I’m being honest, I don’t think she is. I think what’s happening here is that you’re seeing someone’s personality and interpreting this as playing games rather than it just being who they are. This is a problem I see across the gender spectrum: people ultimately being upset at someone for who they aren’t instead of recognizing them for who they are. One of the most common examples of this is a difference in texting styles – something that’s relevant to your particular issue here. Some people – myself included – are prolific texters. They’re glued to their phones and are John or Jane-on-The-Spot whenever a text or DM or instant message comes in, often responding in multiple paragraphs, possibly even using separate chat bubbles like carriage returns.
Other folks… aren’t. They’ll talk your ear off in person or on Skype or Zoom, but they return texts at a seemingly random schedule; some replies come instantly, others get left on read for hours or even a day or two until they get back around to it. When they do write back, their texts are often short and to the point, rather than mirroring someone’s conversational patterns. And if you’re of a certain age or generation, the way they text may come of as curt, snippy or even upset; who knew that a period could come across as so aggressive?
But the key to a mismatch like this isn’t to be upset that they don’t text you the way that YOU prefer to text others; it’s to recognize that hey, this is just how they text. They’re not a prolific texter, it’s just how they roll; it’s not a sign of anything other than this is how they communicate in this particular medium. If you recognize that and accept that about them, instead of trying to parse it through the lens of how you respond or what you think is the “appropriate” way to text, then it makes things so much easier. You’re able to stop feeling like there’s something wrong and instead you know that when it comes to that particular person, you just get short snippits instead of long diatribes.
The understanding part is the most important aspect of this; it requires you being able to look at things from their perspective and at their way of doing things. It’s easy enough to assume that our way of doing things is The Right Way, or to not realize that their personalities or experiences influence their decisions. This is, in part, because we’re individuals, not a hive mind. Yeah, I know, obvious, right? But here’s the thing: we get a 24 hour continual scroll of the inside of our own heads. We know (well… sort of) what we’re thinking, why we’re doing certain things, not doing others, and so on. We don’t have that same sort of insight into what other people think or see or imagine… but we believe that what we think is obvious to us is also obvious to others. So it’s easy to forget that other folks are going to interpret what we see, do or say differently than we might.
Case in point: your partner’s told you things that weren’t true – how many people she’s had sex with, where you fall in her ranking of previous lovers, etc. To you this seems like playing games. But what if I told you that the reason why she did things like downplay her “body count” is because of how other people responded? After all, it may be 2022, but we still live in a culture that equates female “purity” and “virtue” and overall value with the amount of sex they haven’t had, and punishes women for the sin of being sexually active. Small wonder, then, that women downplay how many partner’s they’ve actually had; men often will react badly if the number is over whatever arbitrary limit they’ve decided is “allowable” for a “good” woman.
The same goes for praising your sexual prowess to the skies. A lot of dudes get their egos caught up in how much they make a woman orgasm – often to the point of making sex a trial – and there’re few things more dangerous than a dude with a wounded ego. So there’s incentive for women to butter someone up a bit – not just to make him feel good about himself but also because NOT doing so can expose them to an inordinate amount of risk. Yeah, you may not be that kinda guy… but hospitals (and morgues) are full of women who would’ve sworn that he wasn’t That Kind of Guy at first. So, rather than playing games, it seems to me that the fact that she’s telling you the truth now – instead of a white lie – is much more likely to be a sign that she trusts you.
And quite frankly, I think the number of partners’ she’s had and where you fall in the rankings is ultimately irrelevant outside of actual need-to-know information like STI status. The more important thing is that she’s dating you, now, not who she’s been with before.
(Personally, I think it would probably have been more tactful to NOT bring up your exact placement in her Top 5 Lovers list, but that’s a judgement call for others to make.)
What about the way she posts online though? Well… what about it? Some people like posting thirst traps. Big fat hairy deal. That ultimately has nothing to do with your relationship with her; whether other people see that she has cleavage or like her sexy pics doesn’t change how she feels about you. You may not like seeing other folks drool over her pictures but its easy enough to not read the comments. And if she was doing those before she was dating you – and you enjoyed seeing those pictures – then telling her that NOW she has to stop is gonna get some well-deserved side-eye. This is very much a case of “do you trust her or not”, and if you do, then you can ignore the pics or enjoy them and turn a blind eye to the other folks who are also enjoying them. If you don’t trust her, then you’re better off breaking up now, because that’s not gonna get any better.
But unless she’s holding those over your head and saying “hey, better step up because I could find a replacement for you in minutes”, then that’s not playing games or giving mixed signals. If she is doing that? Well, then we’re back to “you’re better off ending things now” territory; in this case, however, it’s a matter of “do you really want to date someone who pulls shit like that”?
Now the jokes about “other guys”… that is a moment where it’s worth saying “hey, could you not make jokes like that? I find them hurtful/upsetting”. That’s an area where you want to establish some boundaries, rather than treating it as some sort of game she’s playing to keep you off balance. If she ignores your boundary or tells you that you’re wrong for trying to establish one, then you’re right back to “probably best to leave”. But if she’s just being playful or teasing and didn’t realize those jokes upset you? Then she’ll probably knock it off.
Having said all that, I do want to say that I think you were at least somewhat primed to see things this way by her sudden about face about not wanting to date you to suddenly saying “sorry, I was in a shitty mood when I wrote that”. That’s something that could understandably make you feel some whiplash and wonder how someone could pull a 180. But think of it this way: are there no times when you’ve been in a shitty mood or not feeling great and said something in the moment that you either didn’t mean or felt in that specific moment but wasn’t how you actually felt? Keeping that sense of perspective and realizing that people can and do the same dumb shit for the same dumb reasons can help avoid needless drama.
Which brings us to the question of “so…what now?” That is going to depend on whether you think you can adjust your expectations around this woman or not. This relationship’s only four months old, and that’s a pretty short amount of time for this much drama. Sometimes that just means that the two of you hit a rough patch because of different communication styles and expectations and can ultimately be worked out with clear communication and honesty. Other times… well, other times, it’s a sign of some fundamental incompatibilities that mean that the relationship just isn’t going to work.
At the end of the day, it comes down to how much you think you’re going to be able to adjust your thinking. There’re things to accept that are just who she is – the texting, for example – instead of being upset at who she isn’t or not being able to be someone she isn’t for long periods of time. If you can recognize that the way she texts isn’t the same way you do and that the way she acts in person is a truer indication of how she feels then things could work out. Otherwise, you’ll be doing her and yourself a favor by ending things now, and allowing both of you to move on and find someone better suited for the both of you.
Good luck.
Hello Doc,
Four months ago, I saw a woman that I was hoping to ask out. Unfortunately, my anxiety kicked in and just as I was about to talk to her, I panicked, and naturally she looked the other direction. I see her every now and then, and part of me I wants to walk up to her, and try and explain what happened, but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t matter. What do you think I should do?
Second Chance First Impression
Don’t explain, SCFI. It’s unnecessary and it wouldn’t help if you did. If anything, it’ll make things more awkward.
Here’s the thing: I can all but guarantee you that she didn’t notice you having a mild panic at the idea of asking her out. In fact, if you weren’t actually already talking to her, odds are good she didn’t notice you at all. A dude walking towards her is just a dude walking in her general direction; he may be walking up to her or she may just be in his path. In all likelihood, she didn’t consciously register you as more than a physical body moving in proximity, and the whole incident was likely forgotten the moment that you left her line of sight.
On the other hand, if she did intuit that you were walking towards her to ask her out and she turned and looked in another direction, then she was giving you the wave off. In this case, she was making a point of avoiding eye contact so as to not give an inadvertent invitation to approach; looking away is a plausibly deniable, socially acceptable way of avoiding an encounter that was only going to end awkwardly for everybody involved. Again, it’s likely that this never made it out of short term memory and into long-term memory. As harsh as it may sound – how could ‘you weren’t memorable’ not sound harsh? – it has nothing to do with you, specifically and everything to do with her just trying to make her way through the world.
But in any case – if she didn’t notice or if she did, if she remembers or if she doesn’t – apologizing and/or explaining isn’t going to make things better. Either you’ll be explaining an event that she didn’t even realize happened, or you’ll be drawing attention to something that she did in order to avoid awkwardness and making it awkward after all. And to be quite frank, most of the time when folks try to explain these sorts of situations, it only ends up making things more awkward or uncomfortable.
More importantly, however: it’s just not something that requires explanation. If she missed it, then no explanation is necessary. If it were deliberate, then no explanation will help. If she remembers you doing it… well, it’s hardly as though she’s unfamiliar with what it feels like to have a bout of stage fright when you’re trying to go talk to someone you find attractive, and thus already understands. So on the whole, you benefit more by just letting the moment sink into the memory hole and not bringing it up.
Now for future reference, if this is someone you see regularly but don’t interact with often? You’ll do a lot better to start off by just talking and having conversations with her than trying to cold approach out of the blue and turn that first time talking into an attempt to get a date. So instead of explaining, you’ll be better off making small talk or giving a plausible conversation starter instead.
But hey, if you do that and you do end up hitting it off and going on a date, maybe even leading to something over time? That’s when you can say “you know, I tried to approach you before and totally freaked out about it”, and the two of you can laugh about the crazy memory of the missed opportunity that lead to where you are now.
Good luck.
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