How Do I Start Being More Physically Attractive?

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

Dear Dr. NerdLove: I (22/m) am not a good looking guy. I’m average at best, a little below if I’m being realistic. I’m under six feet tall, I’m chubby (bordering on fat), I have no muscle tone, I’ve got a baby face, mediocre hair, acne scars and a weird nose and a weak chin.

I’ve never had a girl approach me, never had them talk about how hot I am and (should be obvious) haven’t had a girlfriend or a date or so much as held a girl’s hand since I was 14.

I’ve read all the usual stuff about how looks don’t count or whatever, and I think that’s obviously bullshit. If I look at Instagram or who’s on magazine covers or listen to who girls think are hot, all of them are guys who fit the same mold: tall, thin to athletic builds, good muscles, great hair and teeth. Not weird babymen like me.

I’m dieting and hitting the gym constantly, but I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. Is there any point to doing anything other than saving up money for facial surgery and maybe leg-lengthening? Or am I just doomed?

Wee Baby Man

Dear Dr. NerdLove: I (22/m) am not a good looking guy. I’m average at best, a little below if I’m being realistic. I’m under six feet tall, I’m chubby (bordering on fat), I have no muscle tone, I’ve got a baby face, mediocre hair, acne scars and a weird nose and a weak chin.

I’ve never had a girl approach me,  never had them talk about how hot I am and (should be obvious) haven’t had a girlfriend or a date or so much as held a girl’s hand since I was 14.

I’ve read all the usual stuff about how looks don’t count or whatever, and I think that’s obviously bullshit. If I look at Instagram or who’s on magazine covers or listen to who girls think are hot, all of them are guys who fit the same mold: tall, thin to athletic builds, good muscles, great hair and teeth. Not weird babymen like me.

I’m dieting and hitting the gym constantly, but I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. Is there any point to doing anything other than saving up money for facial surgery and maybe leg-lengthening? Or am I just doomed?

Wee Baby Man

Well, I guess it’s time to talk about the evergreen subject of “why you think you’re uglier than you actually are“, a topic that comes up so frequently that I often wish I got a dime for every time I’ve answered this question.

In fact, since we talk about this so often, I thought that today – as I’m trying to recover from an extended power outage – we would talk a little less about what to do and more about the why of it all.

There’re three aspects to this that are pretty consistent across the letters I get. The first is, simply, social media. Almost every time someone writes in, one of the cornerstones to their belief that women only like X type of men involves social media, usually Instagram.

This shouldn’t be much of a surprise, honestly. There’ve been repeated studies on how social media and Instagram in particular warp people’s self-image, especially with regard to their own bodies. It’s somewhat striking in men, if only because until recently, the boys and men who struggle with body dysmorphia and eating disorders had been overlooked. It’s very easy, even for the supposed “digital natives” to forget just how curated and fake social media is. The idea that the 5% body fat look is “standard” or “expected” ignores that even fitness influencers don’t actually look like they do in their pics or reels; it’s an open secret that those looks are achieved not through hard work, discipline, diet and exercise, but primarily through hormones and steroids, along with generous filter use, apps like Snapseed, make-up, favorable lighting and good old-fashioned, kidney-threatening dehydration.

In fact, it always strikes me as ironic whenever men bring up various celebrities – especially ones who’ve portratyed superheroes – as being the standard. Most, if not all of them will openly talk about how miserable an experience it is to get into that shape, how much of it is illusion and how even the most ripped of the ripped don’t look like that as soon as the camera quits rolling. Even folks whose livelihoods were in part based on how jacked they were have talked about how they’re infinitely happier without having to live their lives around their restricted diet and exercise schedules.

The second thing that I find in common in these letters is the belief that women require these bodies. The belief, however, tends to come from other men insisting that this is true, rather than from women themselves. The evidence given frequently devolves to “look at women on social media drooling over these guys”, rather than actually, y’know, interacting with women. The sources of “anonymous people on Reddit”, “TikTokers chasing trends” and “bro, trust me” don’t exactly meet the standard that the Lancet expects.

Now to be fair: there’re definitely plenty of women out there who are vocal about how good a guy looks in his thirst traps, particularly the celebrity du jour. But while there’s definitely an air of aesthetic appreciation for them, what there usually isn’t… is actual attraction. In fact, much of the fetishization of the action hero/superhero build comes hand in hand with the desexualization of those very same bodies – a trend that’s summed up brilliantly in the RS Benedict’s essay Everyone is Beautiful and No One is Horny.  Jonathan Majors, for example, is unquestionably a gorgeous man. But while may look hot and jacked as hell in his photo shoot for Ebony, the images are oddly sexless. It’s not even “look but don’t touch”, but admiring him and his body as though it were a statue, not a person.

The third aspect I see frequently – and one that I’ll be returning to in other letters this week – is the complaint that women don’t approach them and thus they must be unattractive. This is, needless to say, a reason why the plural of “anecdote” isn’t “data”; the conclusions being drawn here have nothing to do with the circumstances. Women making the first move – even online, but especially in person – have far less to do with someone’s relative aesthetic appeal and far more to do with the social opprobrium and consequences that come from women being seen as too forward or aggressive. Yes, even in the Year of Our Lord 2023, women who initiate frequently face negative responses and consequences… despite men swearing up and down that they’d love women to make the first move.

This is no small part of why it seems clear to me that much of the complaints have less to do with attraction than validation. It’s not about being desired, so much as being told that you look good. It’s an insecurity that comes, in part as gender roles change, relationships change with them and women no longer need to prioritize relationships for basic survival. It also comes at a time when men’s relationship with their own gender is also in flux. The confusion and anxiety surrounding the recognition that the system we lived in – and still live in, to an extent – was not natural, nor psychologically healthy for anyone allows for cynical grifters and influence peddlers to target vulnerable men with a bullshit “masculinity crisis” and “cures” that range from steroids to tanning their balls to… homophobia, transphobia and fascism.

TL;DR: after literal lifetimes of not needing to do very little, many men are struggling with the feeling of wanting someone to tell them that they’re “good enough”, and that’s bleeding into all sorts of places.

This is why the answers about being more attractive aren’t getting the buccal fat removed from your face, nor years of incredibly painful and risky leg-lengthening procedures, WBM. It’s to start looking within and making yourself feel attractive, getting validation from and giving validation to your fellow men and actually doing things for yourself, rather than relying on external sources.

This is also why I differentiate between being good looking and being attractive. One is an aesthetic. The other is a state of being. Being attractive is far more about presentation and personality than it is having the right cheekbones or chest-to-hip ratio. The way you carry yourself, the way you interact with people and the way you take care of yourself all contribute to people finding you desirable, rather than just aesthetically pleasing.

The most sex-getting-est men out there are the ones who understand this. They have their style and presentation on lock. They’re well groomed, with properly-fitting clothes that work with their build rather than against it. They lean into the things that make them unique, rather than trying to follow a particular look or the latest fashion trends. One prime example would be Stanley Tucci. He’s not necessarily going to show up on the cover of Men’s Health any time soon, but he radiates charisma and charm. The effortless level of suavity he accomplishes in a simple polo shirt while making a martini smokes the self-conscious “look at meeeee” you find on Insta and TikTok from men half his age and twice as built.

This is why much of what you need isn’t surgery, WBM, it’s an attitude adjustment. Start with changing how you relate to yourself. The way you treat yourself – like a broken down house that needs to be gutted and renovated – is at the core of your issue. You’ve got far more going for you than you give yourself credit for, which is the problem. Giving yourself that credit – talking yourself up, loving what you have and working with it, instead of trying to clone someone else – will be a big part of it. Much of this will come from styling yourself better. I cant emphasize enough how much well-fitting clothes and a decent hair cut are transformative. Focusing on a look that works with you will make an incredible difference.

Now don’t get me wrong: eat sensibly and exercise if you want. I love working out. I feel better when I do, I like improving and maintaining my cardiovascular fitness and I enjoy lifting weights. But do it because it’s good for your health, not because you’re trying to get to a specific build and look – one you may never actually be able to achieve just based on genetics and body type. Exercise isn’t worthless if it doesn’t give you six-pack abs.

You also want to prioritize cultivating a sense of warmth and charm. Facial features or body fat percentage are great to look at, sure. It’s personality that make people want to interact with you, charm that makes them want to sleep with you, date you and be part of your life. Are you someone people like talking to? Are you someone who’s able to make everyone – whether you’re attracted to them or not – feel like they’re the most fascinating person in the world? Do you have that warm smile, that easy laugh and sense of bonhomie that makes people feel appreciated and liked? Those are what will make you attractive to people, not the exact width and depth of your chin.

Want to speed this process along and make the world a bit better in the process? Start providing that validation – “hey man, you’re looking great today!” – to your bros. Tell them when they’re looking sharp, when their fit is fine or their hair cut is particularly good. Help normalize giving that same sort of support, validation and camaraderie that women give to their friends.

Yes, I know that you – or someone who feels similarly – will hold up some unkempt guy and say “you’re saying personality is going to overcome THIS?” And yes, that’s precisely what I’m saying. Because nine times out of ten, the images people use to refute the idea that charm and personality are what win folks over are people looking at their worst, not someone dressed well and putting actual care into their appearance. Yeah, scraggly facial hair, acne and androgenetic alopecia aren’t appealing, but they’re also not permanent. Those are fixable problems, ones that you work with and around.

But just as importantly: ask women now how they feel about, say, Johnny Depp. Or Mel Gibson. Or some of the other celebrities who, while conventionally good looking, have proven to be angry and violent. Look at the drive to put Dave Bautista as the lead in a romantic comedy, not just action roles. Or, for that matter, how media directed at women dresses and styles men to make them more appealing.

If you want to be more attractive, WBM, then the change needs to come from within, not from without. Everything stems from there. Change the inside, and you’ll find the rest changes with it.

Good luck.