How Do I Start Over In A New Country?

Estimated reading time: 16 minutes

Hi Doc,

I am writing to you, since I have not seen this issue covered yet in your archives and maybe you can give me a solid advice as you always do. There is a huge chance that in a few months, I will move alone to another country for work. I had a job offer by a huge company, which is quite interesting and they pay really, really well. Moreover, it’s a chance for me to live abroad and expand my horizons.

What makes me anxious however, is that I will have to leave an adorable circle of friends and relatives behind and start from scratch. Moreover, the native language will be different, which means that for a long period, I may struggle to build new connections. Finally, it is very common to see people close to my age returning back to my country, since they cannot stand social life abroad. In my country (south Europe), people are very social and outgoing, which might seem not to be the same for norther countries. The mix of all these issues, combined with homesickness, is what leads a huge number of people returning back to our homeland, even though the quality of living here is poor (high cost of living, very low salaries).

From my part, although I have a huge number of friends, I am not a terribly social guy, meaning that I suffer a lot from approach anxiety. Moreover, I am not quite good at building connections, which is an issue on which I am working on with my therapist. With respect to dating, my sex life is non-existent (virgin) due to my shyness. I guess that if dating feels so hard in my native language, it will be 10 times harder in a new country, with no social circle and a whole different culture. I am well over 30s and I want to build a stable social and love life, which may be counterintuitive with moving abroad.

I know that if I accept the job offer and make the jump abroad, I will have to accept a long period of loneliness. That’s what almost everybody who has moved to another country tells me. What advice would you give to me and other expats, who struggle with building their life from scratch?

Best regards,

Almost Ready to Move

OK, ARM, let’s start with the assumption that you’re going to that the job – the money is just too good, etc. One thing you’re going to want to take into consideration is how long this is going to be. Is this going to be a semi-permanent to permanent position? Or is this something you’re intending to be a short term (for suitably variable definitions of “short term”) stay? Do you see this as being your new home, or a place you’re going to be kicking around for a few months to a few years?

There’re a few things you can do to prepare yourself before you leave so that you’ll be ready to hit the ground running. The first thing would be to see if there’s any way to be put in contact with the folks who are already there. Having a few conversations – via email, DMs or Zoom – with your future co-workers will mean that you’re not starting off cold at the new job in a new country. Your co-workers are likely to be your primary social connections while you’re getting settled in, so it’ll be good to make some connections now. It’s not going to be the same as having a ready-made social circle to slot into, but at the very least it’ll give you a head start of people that you can connect with.

Another thing to do is to use social media. Do some research and see if there are Facebook groups or subreddits for ex-pats in your new country or for new arrivals.  Not only will these give you an insider’s view of what to expect – as well as some ideas of how you might want to spend your time after work and on weekends – but this can also lead to at least having a few nodding acquaintances in-country by the time you get there. Not everyone is going to want to be your new friend or meet up in person, but having those names and people to reach out to can help keep the loneliness at bay as you’re getting used to the new living situation, the new culture and customs.

Once you’re officially moved in and at least a little adjusted to things, one option will be to find where the expats hang out, especially the ones from your country. Homesickness can hit hard, and in unexpected ways, even if you’re not getting hit with major culture shock. Just hearing your native language or a familiar accent can be a balm to your soul. You may also want to look for MeetUps or organizations specifically for folks like you – foreign workers, expats, students and other people who are new to the country. 

Now, if you’re not planning on staying for all that long, then expats may well be your major source for socialization. However, as tempting as it may be to stick to expat hangouts, pushing yourself and getting out to explore and really immerse yourself in the language and culture will go a long way towards acclimating yourself and widening your social options.

One option you may want is to start with taking some second-language classes to help you improve your fluency. This will put you in contact with a lot of people who are more or less in the same boat as you, which will give you some immediate points of commonality with them. That’ll make it easier to make friends – or at least friendly acquaintances – while also helping you bridge the language gap a little faster than you might under other circumstances.

However, I’d recommend pushing yourself out of your comfort zone (and the tourist areas) and getting to where the locals hang out. As a general rule, immersion is one of the best ways to speed up learning and mastering the language and adjusting to your new city. Think of it as a challenge, not just of your capacity to learn a new language but to get out of your shell and to force yourself to meet people… even if the language barrier may be intimidating.  

This is actually going to be important for you, especially as you try to build a new group of friends, but also potential relationships. A lot of folks have romantic ideas of moving to a new place and reinventing themselves. The problem is that they forget that moving doesn’t mean that they’re leaving themselves behind; they’re still bringing their hang-ups, insecurities, sticking points and habits with them. Even when you’ve moved some place new and you have a clean slate, you’re still you, with everything that means.

Fortunately, “you” are a fluid concept; you can adjust and change if you’re willing to put in the deliberate effort. And in this case, you’re going to have some pretty hefty motivation; you’ll be in a new country, without your pre-existing social circle to coast on. This means that you’re going to have to put in a lot of deliberate effort to build a new social life. Part of it is going to be working on making stronger or deeper connections with folks. One of the best ways of doing this is simply to start with weak connections and build from there. The keys to building and maintaining friendships are propinquity, repetition and regularity. You’re more likely to form relationships with the people you’re around the most often, and the way you strengthen the connections is through seeing them often and regularly.

Having hang-out spots where you are a regular will be helpful; it means that you’ll be seeing a lot of the same people over and over again, which increases the opportunities for connecting with them and making friends. Hosting events or regular get-togethers also makes a difference. If you, for example, host a regular gaming night or dinner parties or movie nights, you’re going to have not just more opportunities to hang out with people but making sure you see them on the regular. The benefit of regularly scheduled events (weekly, bi-weekly, monthly at a stretch) means that it’s easier to carve out the time for it. When someone knows that you hold a poker night every other Thursday, they know that if they can’t make it this time, there’s always the next one. When things are more sporadic or random, it’s much harder to factor that into your plans.  

You’re also going to have to be deliberate and mindful if you want to date. Right now, you may struggle with it, but it’s still relatively easy to take it casually – you are surrounded by people who share your culture and language. When you’re in another country, you aren’t going to be able to coast along and hope that you’ll bump into someone. It’s also much easier to decide to not pursue things, using minor issues to give you the excuse to say “nah, I’m going to pass on this.”

While you’re in another country, you’re going to have to be an active participant in your own love life, which means not letting little worries or anxieties give you excuses to not even make the attempt. You’re going to have to be engaged in looking for people you might be interested in. This means finding places that’re conducive to meeting folks, and deliberately checking for interest, commonalities and compatibility. You’re going to need to be purposeful in trying to communicate your interest and in asking them out. This is going to be especially vital for you; since you’ll be speaking in a language that’s not your mother tongue, you’re going to need to be willing to put yourself out there in a way you may not be used to.

Now this will be intimidating. But you’re also going to have an advantage: as a foreigner, you’re going to be something of a novelty. While it’s not as though nobody will have ever met someone from your home country before, you will be different from the norms, and that’s going to spur some interest. Novelty is incredibly appealing, and it can help make you stand out from the crowd… if you’re willing to put yourself out there.

Something else to consider: since you’re going to be in a new country, it may well be worth your time to be willing to use this as permission to stretch the boundaries of who “you” are and to behave in ways that you may not necessarily think of as being “you”. As I said: “you” are a fluid concept and that means you can adjust what it means to be you. So this could be your chance to give yourself permission to be braver about meeting people, to start exploring and practicing the sides of yourself you wish were more developed, or even taking on new aspects that you never had before – that sense of “Oh, I’m not the kind of person who…” Well, now’s your chance to start being that kind of person. Just remember that there’s a difference between being inexperienced and not being “able” to do something.

When you see someone doing something skillfully, you’re not looking at a binary of talent; you’re looking at someone who simply has more experience than you in that area. Someone who is good at meeting and dating women wasn’t born able to do so; they learned how and got good through actually exercising those skills. You can get there too; you just have to put in the deliberate practice. And being in a foreign country, without a social safety net (er… as it were), means that if you want things to be different, you’re not going to have a choice but to try.  

The last thing I’ll suggest: if you are going to take this job, you want to shift your mindset. Right now, you’re looking at this in terms of “ok this is probably going to suck, how do I make it suck less?” You want to be looking at this like an adventure. See it less as “this is going to be hard and it’s going to be rough” and more of “this is going to be a challenge and I’m ready to face it.”

As with many things in life, you how you choose to see the world will change everything. You can see it as “I’m struggling to keep my head under water and I’m going to sink any minute now” or “I’m working hard at this, and I’ll figure it all out any minute now.”

The choice is ultimately yours.

Hello Dr. NerdLove,

Mid-twenties guy with recently diagnosed ADHD and social anxiety disorder here, if any of that is relevant with my issue.

Not a dating question per se but it feels adjacent. I started a new job in the last 6 months and things are going pretty well with my coworkers- I’m even invited out on the occasional social event in the evenings. Sounds great, except most of the time the venue is a cramped bar with music so loud you can hardly hear the person right next to you.

Despite quite a bit of trying, I feel like these types of venues, along with clubs and other dancing/music social spaces are poison to me. I always feel very out of place and like the very way I’m standing/sitting/moving through the space is wrong. Most of the time I’ll usually float around a group of coworkers and try to converse, but it gets very frustrating very quick for me to try and keep up with the conversation, like the overbearing sound coalesces like gunk in my head and clogs up my ability to communicate. (Seriously, why would you build a social space and then make the soundscape completely unfit for talking to people? I genuinely don’t understand.) At the most recent outing I was having such a bad time I left after just half an hour or so due to this. As for dancing or vibing, I’ve never been able to “let go” and shake off that omnipresent awareness of my body like most others seem to do despite trying.

Am I missing something here? Is there some component to the experience I’m doing wrong or not seeing in order to get the intended experience? I genuinely want to be able to function and have fun with everyone else in these venues, but I can’t tell if I need some major behavior/mindset shift or if I can safely say these places are just not for me.

I also worry some because it feels like basically everyone I meet here is a fan of these venues and, well, it seems like the best place to meet people around my age I might be able to connect with and ask out eventually.

Stranger in A Strange Club

Yes, there’re definitely a couple things that you’re missing – but it’s not nearly as dire or imposing as you may think. Most of what you’re missing is simple familiarity and experience. As I’ve said before: when you see folks who seem to have a level of comfort you don’t and who make everything look easy, what you’re seeing is the end result of experience.

If we take the club or bar as an example, then what you’re seeing with your friends is simply familiarity; they’re used to going to these venues and spaces and they feel comfortable in them because of that familiarity. They have experience with it, having spent time there. I promise you: all of them were new to clubs and rowdy bars and pretty much all of them had a learning and adjustment period as they figured out how to operate in them. They just seem at ease because you never saw the parts where they were awkward messes trying to figure out how to navigate the dance floor and how to speak loudly enough to be heard without straining their vocal chords.

(Incidentally, as someone who did a lot of time in noisy clubs and bars: focus on speaking from your diaphragm, not your throat. Acting classes and speech classes can be very helpful here).

The same comes from being able to just “let go” and let themselves move – it’s a skill that’s cultivated through experience and practice. Now, there’re folks who had an easier time learning this and putting in the time to gain that experience, but this was often because they had circumstances that supported their learning these skills. It’s much easier to learn how to groove with the music if, say, you have parents who taught you as a child that it’s fun to boogie or who encouraged (or didn’t discourage) you to let go and loosen up.

As for the noise: one thing you may want to look into are getting some earplugs. These days, there are a number of companies that make earplugs specifically for people with sensory issues – whether that’s misophonia, tinnitus, ADHD, autism or other forms of neurodivergence – as much as for protecting your hearing. Brands like Loop, Calmer or Earjob all have products that are sound reducing, rather than sound blocking, and they’re created with making it possible to function in loud, noisy and chaotic environments.

So it’s entirely possible for you – if you choose to – to learn how to be more comfortable in those spaces, how to relax and lean into the vibes. Taking classes in movement or dancing can go a long way. You might also try meditation or mindfulness, so that you can learn how to let go and focus on the now and just being, instead of letting the vortex of your thoughts leave you lost in your own head.

But notice that I said if you choose to do so. That’s a pretty big “if” and it’s certainly not required. There are places to hang out where you can meet people your age that aren’t as loud or boisterous – you’re hardly the only person who doesn’t like raucous environments, after all. You may want to do some research and find out what else there is in your town and see where the folks most like you are likely to hang out.

But the other thing I think you may not be considering is that you could speak up, too. Your coworkers clearly like you and enjoy your company if they’re making a point of including you and inviting you along. I doubt very much that your new friends and co-workers realize you’re having a bad time at these places. While I understand the anxiety and worry that this is conditional and that making too much of a fuss “will” ruin it all, you really can suggest another venue, or mention that these spaces hit your anxiety button extra hard.

(And frankly, if the result is just they stop inviting you to things instead of making an effort to find a place where you can come too? Then what you’ve really lost are fair-weather friends… not that much of a loss at all.)

As much as your co-workers like those spaces, you can say “hey, I want to hang out with you all, but could we find a place that’s a little calmer or less chaotic? I get really overwhelmed at $CLUB” I can promise you that there are lounges and social spaces (including having alcohol or music, if that’s what they’re looking for) that are a little more chill and more oriented towards hanging out and talking rather than dancing and partying.

And here’s the thing: your speaking up and saying “could we try X place instead” or asking about maybe a quieter and calmer joint doesn’t mean that you’re telling them not to ever go to the more energetic venues ever again. It certainly doesn’t mean that you’re demanding that they only go places that you like. You’re just asking for a little consideration and offering a wider array of options. There may be nights when they want to hang out at a place that’s a little higher-energy than you’re into and you can peace out, knowing that there’ll be times when they might go someplace a little more chill.

And if – again, I stress the “if”; you’re certainly not obligated to do this – you decide you want to put in the time to gain the experience and familiarity they already have in those spaces? Well, now you have some options for making it a less taxing experience… which would make it easier and more possible for you to learn to enjoy them.

Good luck.