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Hi Evan,
After a fantastic third date with a new guy I’m very interested in–dinner, live music, and coming back to my place where we talked until 2:45 am (did not have sex or even make out), he gave me a kiss and left without saying he’d call. Now I’m racking my brain to see if I did or said something wrong. It’s only been three days and I know I should calm down and be confident that he really likes me, as you suggest. I am continuing to make plans to meet other guys. But THIS guy is the one I’m interested in. How can I stay sane while waiting to see if he’s going to ask me out for this weekend?
Thanks a lot,
Roxanne
Roxanne,
By the time you read my reply, I predict that you will barely even remember this guy.
Wait, that’s not true. You’ll remember this guy. He won’t remember you.
This is one of the things that I know to be true about dating.
It’s a big ol’ revolving door — and it’s only our unrealistic set of expectations surrounding it that cause us to get hurt so frequently.
So let’s take a step back and observe. Forgive me if I leap to a few conclusions, since I don’t know anything about you personally.
This is one of the things that I know to be true about dating. It’s a big ol’ revolving door — and it’s only our unrealistic set of expectations surrounding it that cause us to get hurt so frequently.
Let’s say you met him online. How many men have you corresponded with on your dating site? 50? 100? 200? 1000?
How many of those men turned into first dates?
How many of those first dates turned into second dates?
How many of those second dates turned into boyfriends?
How many of those boyfriends lasted more than six months?
What we see when we take the 35,000 foot overview on your love life is that it’s really, really rare for a relationship to take off.
If you’re like everybody else, it’s a trial and error. Sometimes, you get lucky. Sometimes you don’t.
I went on over 300 dates before getting married. I got second dates with most of them, but some refused to see me a second time.
It’s really not that mysterious. Every man you like doesn’t like you sufficiently in return.
As for the women who I really connected with, I “committed” to probably ten women in that time. We were exclusive for 1 to 8 months. I dumped half. Half dumped me.
This is just called dating.
It’s really not that mysterious.
Every man you like doesn’t like you sufficiently in return.
You’re very attuned to that part.
What you don’t get nearly as upset about are the many men who are very interested in you that YOU’RE not excited by.
Should these men — who ultimately don’t stand a chance with you, no matter how pleasant your first date was — get UPSET? Should they rack their brains and obsess about what they did “wrong”? Should they keep calling you over and over to see if you’re interested simply because THEY’RE interested?
This is the blind spot of single people.
Women think it’s perfectly fair to ignore an email from a guy or refuse to return a phone call so he can take a hint.
Yet a man is a player or a liar or a jerk for not being sufficiently interested in you.
This ain’t that complicated.
If he’s interested in you, he’ll follow up in a couple of days, max.
If he’s not interested in you, he won’t.
Your level of interest in him is entirely irrelevant.
And the lesson to be learned is that, if this kind of thing happens over and over (and based on your emails, it does), it would seem to be prudent to not get too excited or emotionally attached to a guy until he’s called himself your boyfriend.
How do you do this in real life?
Well, I wrote an entire book about it. It’s called “Why He Disappeared” and if you struggle with the same issues that Ashley does, it’s probably time for you to pick up a copy.
And yes, there’s a money-back guarantee.
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