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Dear Dr. NerdLove:
My girlfriend lives in Russia and I live in Bangladesh. She always tells me that she want to help people in need. Recently her English teacher and she were studying about school bullies and then her teacher talked about a boy in her school who faced bullying, and nobody talked with him .. hearing this, my girlfriend said she wanted to make friends and help him mentally by going walking, cafe and talking.
But I can’t accept it mentally I seen in Instagram reel and many other platform and words from person similar with Andrew Tate and he himself. They said that a woman having a male friend will lead relationship to danger, and obviously in long distance relationship where girl can cheat and do anything but they’ll hide it. I said so to her and by explaining my feelings and that that I’ll feel so much bad both mentally and physically. But now she says that she can’t she can’t accept it, because she wants to help people and without helping people, she wanna die!
But I feel bad even if she just goes to the cafe and talk, as the boy didn’t had any friends, because his cravings of sexual would be high and he can kiss her or do anything with her. But when I say these to her she says that : she never will cheat, leave, or ignore me for a friend but somehow I can’t trust it because she lives so far away. Although she’s always truthful with me and I know it by myself I also take replying of other messages by keeping my message for some moment, she also can do with him and she might fall in love with him and leave me. Plus she’s so kind that when someone cries she wants to help then so much, and I think because of her over kindness behavior, people could take advantage! What should I do now??
Long Distance Dilemma
This one’s easy. What you do is very simple: stop paying attention to literally anything Andrew Tate says. Seriously.
There is exactly two things that you need to know about Tate and his “advice”.
First: Tate is a violent misogynist and accused sex-trafficker, whose entire ‘game’ is based around targeting vulnerable women, using emotional abuse and fear to keep them “in line” and manipulating them into sex work. This isn’t speculation or reading between the lines; these are things he’s specifically said in the courses that people pay for.
Second: Tate is a liar. Again, he talks proudly about lying to the cops, to people, to the government and advocates using lies and manipulation to get what you want, economically, socially and sexually. He lies to the people who “work” for him, he lies to the people in order to perpetuate his image and he unquestionably lies to his fans and followers.
Quite frankly, I wouldn’t trust his opinion on cheese, never mind relationships. If I saw a video where he talked about the sun rising in the east and setting in the west, I’d have to double check for myself first.
Now, leaving Tate aside – as all people should – the issue here is very simple: you can’t “control” people, nor should you try. You can’t dictate who your girlfriend is friends with – especially when she lives thousands of miles away – and attempting to do so is an incredibly shitty thing to do. Trying to control who your girlfriend does or doesn’t talk to is the sort of things abusers do, in order to keep their victims away from people who would try to help them and might pose a threat to the abuser’s control.
The idea that men and women being friends leads to cheating or whatever is rank nonsense. Believing in this sort of thing is ultimately about a) believing the worst about men and b) believing that women are somehow incapable of not fucking someone else if the opportunity presents itself. It’s a belief that says more about the person who thinks this – that they’re untrusting at best and dealing with absurdly toxic ideas about male and female relationships and sexuality at worst.
But most importantly, it really comes down to a very simple question: do you trust your girlfriend or not? You say that she’s never lied to you, that you and she are always in communication. Do you honestly think that your girlfriend – someone who’s clearly very compassionate and caring – is going to either be taken advantage of by somebody’s sob story, or is going to go from trying to help a bullied kid to cheating on you with him? Especially when you weigh the likelihood of that against what you know about her already?
Here’s the thing: I can understand that you have anxieties and that the stress of a very long-distance relationship can make things difficult. But if this is something you’re sincerely worried about, I think it says more about something going on with you than the impossibility for men and women to be friends. I think it’s worth asking what’s really bothering you, here. Is there some nagging feeling that something’s wrong with the relationship? Or is it that this is more about how you feel about yourself?
This isn’t an idle question; a lot of times, guys who have serious fears or anxieties surrounding their partners cheating or leaving have issues about their own feelings of self-worth – that they’re not “good enough” or don’t feel confident in their relationship with their partner, and often try to handle those unpleasant feelings by trying to control things to ensure that this worst-case scenario doesn’t happen. Ironically enough, this sort of behavior tends to be precisely what pushes their partners away; nobody likes being called a liar constantly, especially when they’re being accused of lying when they say “I love you” or “I’m not leaving”, “I’m not interested in anyone else” or that “You’re the only person I want”.
If the only reason you have to be mistrustful are your own worries and the bullshit from conmen and liars like Tate, then it’s important to look inside yourself and ask what’s actually bothering you.
Are you worried about your connection with her, or about the depth and sincerity of how she feels about you? Are you worried that you aren’t “enough” for her and that someone else is going to “steal” her away? Why are you more willing to believe a stranger – someone who doesn’t know her or you – over your girlfriend telling you that everything’s ok? Especially when you already know that she likes helping people in bad situations… such as this student her teacher knows?
If you don’t trust your girlfriend, or the stress of being thousands of miles apart is just too much for you, then it’s better for you to just end the relationship. It won’t make you or her happy, and the conflict will just make you both miserable and destroy the relationship anyway.
If you do trust her – to be honest with you, to tell you the truth and to not violate her commitment to you – then you need to focus on why you are feeling the way you do. The more you can zero in on what’s actually bothering you, the more you can work on fixing it, so that these anxieties and baseless worries don’t end up causing the very outcome you’re worried about.
Good luck.
Good Morning Doc,
I have read your column for years, loved the podcast (could listen as I was doing kitchen stuff) and wish questioners would ‘read back’ a few columns. I even print some of your stuff out, to ‘re-read” Yeah, I consider myself a ‘nerd’ in some ways, but, not fully. I don’t play computer/phone games at all, and am ,what I consider to be, an “extroverted introvert” or vice versa. I am 66 (yes), get out, hike, bike, kayak, all with friends, and have several circles of friends. Hell, I can even cook a meal or 2 and eat salad and veggies. I am a high school science teacher in a small, rural town in Deep Southeast IL, the opposite end of the state from Chicago. You can imagine the signs that are still ‘up’, and the churchism/conservatism of the area. I like to say “I may not live at the end of the earth, but, give me 45 minutes & I can get you much closer”, and out of cell coverage I am also well-educated with 2 degrees at 2 different times of my life. I Can be “an independent cuss”, but Work Not to be an ass or even curmudgeon.
My question to you is this: How the ‘heck” do I word my dating profile that I am still highly interested in sex? That I am sex positive, interested in still exploring & learning, without seeming to be an idiot/ass/complete horn dog?? specially when I ‘go back” to OKCupid, and maybe another site or 2. I am currently on Feeld. I have a wide search range (150+ miles), but it is geared toward people who are about half my age. I am Not a PUA, much less a “Bull” or “Dom”. Aaaand, it has a Lot of Bots & Fakes…’phishers”…they have pics that are professionally taken….and Many seem to have jobs such as “accounting analyst” or something vague. One, I had to ask 3 times “where” she lived… and she still has not answered it. (hmmm, hehe..”here’s your sign”).
On the ‘regular” sites, (Match, POF, etc) many women close to my age are a) “my grandkids/church” is my life b) couldn’t walk ‘hard’ a quarter of a mile w/o getting winded. Yes, I know I have to expand my search range. No, I do Not expect to jump into bed on the first, or even second date.
I still have a Lot to learn. I have to ‘push’ myself to try harder and to try different things. I know that if I don’t do some ‘things” different, I will be in the same situation that I have been in for the past several years. And I am tired of that.
Thanks Doc, keep up the good work.
Looking In All The Wrong Places
I’m curious LAWP: is the issue here that you’re meeting people who aren’t interested in a sexual relationship or who don’t prioritize a sexual connection? Are you worried about – or are currently meeting – people who don’t think you are a terribly sexual person? Or are you hoping to meet folks who are more likely to be interested in a very sexual relationship? Are you meeting the wrong people, or not meeting anyone?
It sounds like part of the problem is that you’ve chosen the wrong apps. Different apps have different target markets and cater to different audiences. Feeld, for example, is aimed primarily at folks who don’t prioritize monogamy – most of the people who sign up for Feeld tend to be ethically non-monogamous and are looking for others who want that sort of relationship. Despite not going in for traditional definitions of monogamy, it’s not purely for folks looking for sex, which may mean that the people you’re most interested in aren’t going to be on there.
Similarly, if you’re looking at apps where people are looking for doms, subs or bulls… those are folks with specific kinks and fetishes (BDSM and cuckoldry, specifically), which doesn’t sound like what you want. That’s just a pure mismatch between what you want and what other people are looking for. It’s worth remembering that just because someone’s kinky or into non-normative sex like BDSM, hotwifing, cuckolding etc., that doesn’t mean they’re more sexed-up than the average bear (except on Scruff, anyway). A lot of folks look at FetLife and other apps and think it’s going to be a sex ATM full of freaky people who aren’t going to be as picky or more open to banging randos – and they tend to go away very disappointed.
If what you’re looking for is someone age appropriate but also is very interested in a sexual – but socially conventional – relationship… well, you’re much more likely to find that on OKCupid, Tinder or Hinge than on Feeld or #Open. Part of what’s going to make a difference is being clear about what you want and choosing the apps where you’re likely to find those people.
This includes the kind of relationship you want. Are you looking for a committed, long-term relationship where a sexual connection will be important? Something more casual? Are you looking for people younger than you? Your age? Are you hoping to start a family? The better you can answer these questions, the easier it is to fine tune your profile so that the people who are looking for what you’re offering can find you.
One thing that helps is to be clear about what you want. If you’re a very sexual person or sex is an important part of your relationships, mentioning that you value chemistry or that a physical connection is important to you can be useful. It’s also good to talk about what you want – “I’m looking for a person who’s into X, Y and Z” or “I’m looking for a $RELATIONSHIP_TYPE and want someone who’s looking for that too”.
Beyond that, some of what you’re running into is simply a matter of demographics. If you’re living in a very rural, socially conservative area, the odds that you’re going to be meeting more people who are likely to be conservative is high, regardless of which app you’re using. At the same time, if you’re looking up to 150 miles away… well, you’re basically setting yourself up for sketchier profiles.
And while there are some indicators as to whether a person is a bot or a scammer, a lot is going to be about whether someone seems ‘too good to be true’ or is radically outside your requirements. If you’re getting 20-somethings messaging or matching with you who have blank or mostly empty profiles or whose profiles are very generic with either very polished pics or overtly sexual ones, the odds are good that those aren’t real. But people can and do take professional or just high-quality pics for their accounts. You can get incredibly good pictures – ones that look professional – simply by using portrait mode on a smartphone camera these days. A good picture for someone who’s fairly age appropriate and isn’t necessarily model-levels of hot is likely just someone who put extra care into their profile. If you’re suspicious, reverse-image searches are your friend.
However, something to keep in mind is that profiles don’t offer a complete view of someone. As I’m often saying: a dating app is a poor way to judge compatibility, and what looks good on paper doesn’t automatically work when you meet them in person. A lot of times, we pass on people we might otherwise be a good match with simply because we get tunnel vision based on our profile preferences. If someone is interesting or attractive to you, but isn’t a perfect match on paper, it may still be worth a brief meet-up in person to see if there’s more there than you suspect. After all, still waters run deep… some of those “my grandkids are my life” folks may surprise you. Especially someone whose kids have married and moved on and they’re old enough to have more confidence in what they want…
Good luck.
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