How Do I Stop Feeling Shame About Being A Virgin?

Estimated reading time: 17 minutes

Dear Dr. NerdLove: I’m a 26 year old cis male virgin, and I’m autistic, and frankly that’s no fun. I’ve got way too much anxiety over especially how everyone (especially women) casually bad mouth virgins at best being over grown man children and at worst dangerous ticking time bombs. Keep in mind I live in the city where the virgin van attack took place (and he also had autism) not surprisingly women here have a pretty understandable fear and stigma of male virgins.

Even then confessing to others even a potential or sex partner is way too risky for me because the reaction is guaranteed to be negative one whether it’s mockery or disgust. Doesn’t help my hobbies just scream TURBO VIRGIN like video games and painting miniatures (Warhammer and Battletech) and hell when a friend who was a girl asked what was in the bag which contained Warhammer minis and I just responded “oh its my bag of shame” to try so sound more humble and self aware and she responded “why are you ashamed of that?” Which admittedly did paralyze me because I didn’t have an answer at the moment.

But the thing is I do have an answer and well it’s the fact that I’m enjoying a thing makes me feel like I’m perpetuating a negative stereotype of both autistic people and virgins. And that’s on top of me living with my parents and struggling to hold down a job.

You might say some women might not mind my virginity or even turned on by it is not really reassuring. Because former they’re as rare a two headed Albino bearded dragon and no woman with any ounce of self respect would ever sleep with an older virgin because they’re frankly awful in bed and she doesn’t want to educate him because its not her job. The latter it feels like I’m being fetishized, pitted and condensed too which isn’t really how I want my first time to go. Giving her a sense of superiority but degrading me.

So what do I do? I need the confidence to feel more comfortable with sex but I need to have sexual experience in order to earn that confidence. Do admit it? Do I hide it? How do I know for sure I’m not gonna be shamed or judged? How do I overcome this fear of confessing my shameful secret?

Sincerely

A Living Failure

Alright ALF, I’m going to give you the same advice I give so many people in your position. It’s going to be rough, it’s going to be difficult, and you’re not going to want to listen at first. You’re going to insist that no, this is different, this isn’t the problem, all the usual arguments. Trust me: I’ve heard them all, none of them are correct and all of it is just the part of your brain that doesn’t want to hear information that strikes at the definition of who you are as a person.

I want you to listen, as hard as it may be, because you want things to change. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t write in to me, asking for help. So as soon as you feel that first twinge of “nope, not what I need”, remind yourself that this is just your jerkbrain screwing with you and trying to keep you in place.

I want you to turn off your computer and your phone and spend a day outside of your place, just going around town, taking in the sights, enjoying fresh air, sunshine and people who are in the same physical space as you.

Then, the next day – THE VERY NEXT DAY – I want you to close your accounts on 4chan, Reddit, incels.meh and every other forum you’ve been stuck on, because you have a desperate case of “go outside and touch grass.”

Ok, I realize that sounds dismissive, or like I’m not taking you seriously. That’s not true. I’m taking you very seriously. And I am telling you that the reason you feel this way has far more to do with where you’re spending your time than it does with anything people have actually said. And I can tell you this with great certainty because I’ve been doing this gig for a long time, and I’ve been on the Internet for longer than you’ve been alive and I can spot -chan and incel language very, very easily.

The same self-denigrating language about being autistic, about being a virgin, about women hating virgins, about how nobody wants to have sex with older virgins because it’s guaranteed to be bad… none of that is new, all of that is older than you and – most importantly – none of it is true. People have been saying it over and over again to one another since the days of FIDONet, and it was bullshit then, just as it’s bullshit now. All of what you’ve said is just crabs-in-a-bucket catastrophizing, people reinforcing their own misery and belief that they’re stuck and trying to disincentivize others from actually improving, for fear that it’ll prove that their situation is actually the result of their own choices and not some genetic curse or sign of God’s hate.

The most obvious example would be “everyone hates virgins” and “talks openly about how awful virgins are”. OK cool, gonna need some sources that are a) actually in person, not online, b) actually said “all virgins are ticking timebombs” c) are older than high-school and d) weren’t just shitty people just bullying someone.

The place where you are going to find folks saying those things are… subreddits, chan forums and the like. Even if I am extremely generous and grant that the folks saying those things are actually who they say they are and are serious and not just shit-posting, then what you’re seeing is a self-selected group of people who are already primed to believe everything they read online, not a meaningful subsection of the population. You’re seeing people who’ve chosen to be part of a niche community engaging in a system that encourages being louder and more emphatic than the last person, creating an echo effect that serves to trick your brain into thinking that this position is more widely held than it really is.

The same goes for video sites like TikTok, where the algorithm prioritizes and privileges extreme content and incentivizes people to stake out even more extreme positions in order to get engagement. The things you see on TikTok or YouTube aren’t genuine measures of what the people believe, they’re measures of what make people react and thus goose the video’s position in people’s feeds.

Volume is not the same as popularity. Especially in a relatively closed ecosystem.

Much of what you’re believing right now is predicated on ignorance and outright misinformation. Let’s take the “my hobbies are too shameful” bit for example – the idea that liking video games,  Warhammer or Battletech or other miniature-based games are the social mark of Cain. This might come as a surprise to… well a whole lot of folks, really. Novelist, screenwriter (and Lieutenant of MegaForce) C. Robert Cargill, for example, is an avid Warhammer player, and has been happilly married for decades now. Other famous and semi-famous players include Henry Cavill, David Tennant, Brian May of Queen, Robin Williams and others.

Most of them, I might add, are also devoted gamers – several of them have custom built gaming PCs.

Then there’s the fact that video games have quite literally never been more popular. The idea that gaming is some secret shame that folks are looked down on for enjoying is so far out of date that I wonder if you’ve been locked in a bunker for the last twenty years. I mean, the show that everyone’s talking about right now is an adaptation of a popular PS3 exclusive.

(I might point out that we’re also in the middle of a tabletop gaming Renaissance, with more RPG systems than any before, live-play Twitch streams setting records, multiple animated series based off of other people’s D&D campaigns AND a movie being released in less than a month.)

You’re reacting, not to actual people, but to the people in your head that you (and others) invented to get mad at. You are, in a very literal sense, hurting your own feelings, for no real reason except to hurt them. You even say this yourself: “The fact that I’m enjoying a thing makes me feel like I’m perpetuating a negative stereotype of both autistic people and virgins.”

Those are your words, my dude, not the words of, say, a woman who was confused why you would feel ashamed about something you enjoy. In fact, as the reasonable and intelligent person you are, I would think that encountering a woman in the real world who doesn’t understand why you’d label something you enjoy as “your bag of shame” would be proof that maybe you’re dealing with beliefs that are both wildly out of date and weren’t even correct back then.

You’re also working from your own ideas about sex, sexuality or even what makes sex good. People who have had hundreds of partners aren’t automatically sex-gods; they’re just folks who’ve figured out how to get people in bed. I know people whose sexual history dwarfs mine… but can only sleep with someone once, because they’re a shitty, selfish lover.

On the other hand, sex with a virgin can be great; all that’s required is the right partner, a willingness to listen and to pay attention without letting one’s ego get in the way. And while you might – and I stress might – have a harder time finding a one-night stand, the likelier scenario of your first time would be in the context of a relationship… and in that situation, you’re going to be dealing with someone who knows your a virgin and doesn’t find it to be a turn-off or a hindrance. Assuming, of course, that you actually, y’know. Let go of your self-imposed shame and accept the possibility that you’re not the stereotype 4chan insists you are.

And ultimately, that’s the issue you’re facing: you’re letting other people dictate your identity to you. The things you list are only stereotypes in part because they’re self-imposed. Who you are as a person is a status that’s always in flux; you may always be autistic, but that hardly means you’re doomed to be a shut-in who can’t operate in society. It just means that you’re neurodivergent, and some things affect you differently than they would affect others. Your perceptions of the world are different and the way you relate to things may be different… but different isn’t the same as “bad”, nor is it the same as “repugnant” or “unfuckable”.

You’ve heard the same voices saying the same thing so loudly that it’s drowned out everyone else, and you’ve mistaken that for THE TRVTH, as handed down on carved tablets. But the actual truth is that being autistic is one detail in who you are, not the sum totality of it. Being a gamer doesn’t make you weird or unfuckable, it’s one of the most common pastimes on the planet. And being a virgin doesn’t mean anything other than “you haven’t had this particular experience yet”. It has nothing to do with your value as a person, your desirability or your capability of finding a loving and satisfying relationship.

The only person who cares this much about whether you’re a virgin or not is… you. And if you do, in your travels through the physical world, meet someone who’s shitty about your being a virgin? Well then all that’s happened is that you met a shitty person with shitty opinions. Shitty people exist everywhere. But they’re not the majority or even a plurality.

If you meet someone who actually says that they’d never sleep with a virgin because X, Y or Z? Well, great, you’ve met someone you would never want to have sex with in the first place, because why would you want to bang someone who was that judgmental or ignorant? That’s a them problem, not a you problem.

The only you problem here is your own self-image, the identity that you’ve allowed others to create for you. Cut those voices out of your life by not giving them access. Close your accounts so that you’re not tempted to go back. Let those communities go; they do you far more harm than good. And once you actually start dealing with people in person, in the real world, you’ll see how much of what you’re fearing are the results of other people’s beliefs, not reality.

Good luck.

Hello Doc,

So I am a guy who struggles with women, and I decided to try the advice commonly given to men, to stop trying to have romantic connections and instead, just focusing on platonic connections. Well, I’ve been genuinely trying to do that, but now I have a different problem, probably much deeper, in that I can’t make platonic connections.

I have been going out, putting myself out there. I now do some things that I genuinely enjoy, like social dancing (west coast swing, etc), sometimes people talk to me, but I don’t feel like I’m really making any genuine connections. I never see any time when it would be OK to just talk to someone. Everyone is doing some combination of either talking to someone else or other people, looking at their phones, doing the activity, or busy with something else, so I don’t see a way to talk.

I invite people to stuff outside of the dance, and I also get invited to stuff sometimes. Sometimes, afterwards, I invite people to go to the nearby cookie shop. However, we don’t do this that often, because it is pretty late at night for a lot of people. Sometimes, I invite people for Boba tea beforehand, and we do that sometimes. Sometimes, there are pretty open invitations to someone’s house that I get to go to. Another thing I organize almost every month is a westie bomb. That is, a thing in West coast swing in which you go to a place that plays music, such as a bar or club that’s not associated with WCS, and dance WCS there. I’ve done about three of those so far, some people come to them.

I still don’t feel really connected to anyone. Like, even if we do all of this, I still don’t feel close to anyone. I don’t feel like I know a lot about who they are, I still feel like an acquaintance to them, and vice versa.

When someone DOES talk to me, I feel like conversations go nowhere. They never really go past pleasantries, such as “How are you?” “I’m fine” or “I like your shirt” “thanks”. When I’m out on the field, so to speak, I don’t think of saying more than that. I also don’t want to be seen as the annoying guy of the group, the guy who overshares, the guy who gets too personal too fast, or in general the guy no one wants to be around, so I don’t really say something unless I’m sure it will be OK.

So how do I really connect with people?

Seeking A Friend For The Start Of A New World

Not going to lie, SFTSNW, I’m wondering if maybe the issue here is that you’re missing the forest for the trees? Because you just listed a whole bunch of things that you organize and invite people to, and folks come to them. That sounds to me like you’ve got a good start, at the very least.

That being said, there are a couple things that do leap out at me from your letter, a few areas that could stand some tweaking and improvement.

The first is that you’re missing some opportunities to socialize. You don’t mention, for example, where you’re encountering the people on their phones or talking to others. If you’re talking about people waiting for the bus, then yeah, someone with their headphones on isn’t really interested in talking to a stranger. But if you’re talking about people, especially folks you may at least know to nod at, standing around at those dances and talking? You can talk with them. It’s actually a lot easier to join those conversations than you fear, especially when you have at least a weak connection to people in the group.

Much of connecting with people in social situations – such as your dance nights – is about not being afraid to simply… talk. Simply listening is one way to contribute, and you’ll be more likely to find an opportunity to join in. In fact, listening and providing affirmation – laughing openly when they’re being funny, nodding and saying “yeah, that’s right, exactly,” and so on – not only contributes to the overall interaction, but it builds you up to a point where your contribution will be noticed and appreciated. You don’t want to talk over someone or interrupt them, but it takes very little to find opportunities to be part of the conversation.

Of course, doing so requires that you actually give people something to work with – either with your questions or with your answers. This is the second thing that I noticed: the examples you give of talking with people are conversational dead-ends. None of what you mention give any opportunities to expand, to veer off into other directions or to even share more information. In fact, the examples you give are precisely the sort of thing you want to avoid doing if you’re trying to connect with people.

Here’s where things are going wrong: you’re asking – or answering – questions that can be answered in two words or less. That is not how to nurture a connection with a new person; you and they just keep going down conversational blind alleys and getting stuck with nowhere to go.

The way to avoid this is to structure your questions – or your answers – in ways that encourage more information and more conversational possibilities. If you can answer a question in one or two words, it’s the wrong question. So instead of asking “how are you feeling”, you should ask “what’ve you been up to?” or “how’s your week been?” Even better, though, ask if they’ve done anything awesome or fun lately; not only are you more likely to get a more involved response, but you’re also more likely to get a positive one; people love talking about things they’ve enjoyed or cool things they’ve done. You can then use their answers as springboards to more questions that let you get to know them – oh cool, you took a class on juggling lit torches, that’s awesome, how’d you get into that, how do you keep from burning yourself?

The same applies with how you answer questions; if you’re answering with just one or two words, then you’re stopping that conversation in its tracks. Even if the question itself doesn’t naturally elicit a more detailed answer, you can answer it in a way that encourages conversation. If someone asks “how’re you”, instead of just saying “fine”, you can say “I’m doing amazing, I just found this Vietnamese place down the street from me that does amazing banh-mi,” or “well, work kinda sucked, but I’m counting down the days until I get my next tattoo and I’m jazzed about that.”

These provide hooks for people to latch onto, little hints of narrative and open-ended questions that naturally encourage people to ask more. Where is this sandwich place, what’s banh-mi, what tattoo are you getting and is it your first? It’s worth remembering that many people worry about running out of things to talk about too, or aren’t sure how to keep the conversation going themselves. Making it easier for them by providing those open loops and easy hooks helps them as much as it helps you and makes you that much more enjoyable to talk to.

Now, the fear of oversharing is understandable; everyone worries about that to one degree or another. But it’s actually fairly easy to avoid, especially when you’re making small talk. Most of the time, people will volunteer the level of conversation they’re willing to have through their actions – keeping things more or less on surface topics, not delving into things that are deeply personal. Talking about things that that level – weekend plans, your irritating boss, hobbies you’re enjoying, movies or TV shows or Twitch streams you’re watching – are all pretty safe. Dealing with the more personal stuff – the way your boss makes you feel small or bad at your job – are things that you would likely not share at a party, but might share with someone you’re closer to. The deeply personal stuff? Those are usually things that either you share with someone you know you’re tight with, or you might lead into by asking their permission first: asking “can I vent about X for a moment?”  for example.

But to get to the point where you would feel safe enough and close enough with folks to get to that level, you’ve got to let them in a bit, first. And you can’t do that with questions that can be answered with “fine” or “thanks”, nor by giving them one or two word responses. Avoid those binary questions – yes/no, hot/cold etc. – or questions with short answers. Give people places to go, conversational tangents to latch onto and you’ll find that the conversations not only go more smoothly, but encourage everyone to become closer.

Once you get a handle on those? Then mostly it’s a matter of time. We very rarely become instant friends with folks. Most friendships are built over time, in stages; we start as acquaintances, become friends, then close friends. The key is simply exposure, repetition and time spent together. The folks we become closest to tend to be the ones we spend the most time with. So you may not be instant friends… but if you’re seeing the same people regularly and having good conversations with them and having good times together? Then you’re well on your way to building solid, lasting friendships.

Good luck.