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I just started casually dating a really great guy, he is fun to be with and we have a lot in common. It seems like we have similar goals and values. Of course we have only been out a few times and talked on the phone. I like him and have chemistry 5-6, but I find myself pulling away with his so called sensual playfulness, it makes me uncomfortable. It feels like skirt chasing.
He can be very romantic by doing things like spontaneously dancing with me at the end of a movie (old school) always holds doors open, gently guides me through crowds, stuff like that. Then he runs on his sensual and YUCK!! Get me away!! He thinks pestering me about what type of underwear I am wearing is cute, it’s creepy. He thinks teasing me he is going to buy me a bra and panties is cute… again, creepy. I mean after we are in a committed relationship nice, but I don’t want to constantly hear about it 10-15 times every time we talk. He’s always joking he wants to spank me, but not in a cute way its awkward and we have only been on 4 dates… you get the idea. It feels really creepy as he sticks to it, like a dog with a bone. I try and play it off or ignore it and give him positive reinforcement when he does things I like, but the skirt chasing, objectivity, sex toy, is making me feel really uncomfortable. I tried to explain that it made me uncomfortable and tell him what I liked that he does, but he got his feelings hurt and shut down.
He said that since I once made the move and kissed him he felt like his comments worked for a bad girl like me. Really, I leaned over on the sofa and kissed him. That’s all we have done – nothing else, just some kissing. I may have let it go further, but this constant asking what type of underwear, etc., just feels icky, HUGE turn off. It’s just not sexy or sensual. I am not a prude, though it may seem like it here. I just feel like there are mixed messages and I am trying to read his actions to determine if I want to keep dating him. I have been treated like a sex object before and it’s a huge turn off. I am not sure how much of his behavior to trust and how to explain to him that it makes me feel cheap and unvalued when he does that.
How do I explain without hurting his feeling and get my point across? And how do I determine which is his real way of being? I am finding myself more and more guarded and he is getting more and more nervous around me. Most of the time it feels like I am with a man and then his so-called sensual side comes out and I am with a horny 12-year old boy, it’s just not attractive. Or should I just give up??
Katherine
I didn’t edit this question so you could paint the full picture, Katherine.
I also don’t think there’s that much of a dilemma here.
I’ll bet that this guy is, in fact, a decent human being. The problem is that it doesn’t matter if he’s a decent human being if he’s consistently creeping you out.
Seems to me like he’s a dorky, inexperienced guy whose knowledge of women largely comes from movies, porn and pick-up artist manuals. So while some men can effectively push the envelope with the underwear and spanking talk, others sound like — well, horny 12-year-old boys who are reading aloud from an old Penthouse Forum.
The problem is that it doesn’t matter if he’s a decent human being if he’s consistently creeping you out.
Thus…
It’s not your job to teach him.
It’s not your job to spare his feelings.
It’s not your job to determine his “real” way of being.
As you probably ascertained in the month since you sent me this email, it’s your job to break up with him as soon as possible, so that you can find another fun, great guy who doesn’t require remedial training in how to talk about sex.
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