How Do I Tell My Date That I’m Leaving Because The Sex Is Awful?

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes

I (m/26, gay, in a queer-friendly major metropolitan city) have literally just left my date’s apartment and I don’t know what to do.

Let me set the scene for you. Right before COVID, my boyfriend of five years dumped me and I spent the lockdown mostly alone aside from friends that I’d see while social distancing. After I got the vaccine early (hooray for being a smoker I guess) I tried to have a slut phase except a) I discovered casual sex leaves me feeling really weird and disgusted with myself and it sunk me into a deep depression and b) I got an easily treatable STI which made me more depressed since I took it as a confirmation from God that I shouldn’t be getting fucked by strangers.

Fast forward two years of intense therapy and realizing I may be demisexual, I finally decide to dip back into dating. I don’t know if you know much about gay dating, Doc but finding guys who were going to be cool with my not wanting to fuck immediately was hard. Like, enforced dry spell, getting ghosted when I say sex isn’t on the table, wondering why I’m doing this hard.

Well, I finally meet a guy, on the apps even. He’s GORGEOUS GEORGE, like my physical ideal, he’s sweet, he’s thoughtful and oh my God he was cool with giving me time to get comfortable and see if we have a connection. Everything seems like God is smiling back down on me after the mess I made of myself and we get to the point where we’re finally going to hook up.

And the sex was awful. Like, really, REALLY awful. Like not even “ok, we’re new to each other and figuring things out together,” not “well, it’s been a while so I’m a little out of practice”, not even “we’re both bottoms so one of us has to try to be vers”. It was “Praise Gay Jesus I was wearing a condom so I could pretend I came”.

Fine, whatever, momma didn’t raise any quitters, OFC I’m going to try again. Maybe it was just a bad night and we can do better the next time. But no, it’s legitimately awful, I couldn’t even pretend to be into it and I had to act like I couldn’t get hard because oops we had too much to drink let me give you a quick handie and we can cuddle and not speak of this again.

And then I woke up early and did my walk of shame. I snuck out like his parents were in the next room with the door open and I called an Uber a block away just in case he looked out the window.

Doc, I know I said I’m demi and I know I’m probably still carrying baggage from my slut phase but I NEED good sex if I’m going to date someone. I need to get dicked down like a champion by my theoretical boyfriend and this is not it and I don’t have it in me to try a third time just for it to still be bad.

The part that I hate is that I can’t even pretend like he’s a selfish pig face, he was so concerned for my pleasure and listened to me and wanted to know what kinds of things I liked and how I liked it and was so good about doing exactly what I asked for and it. WAS. HORRIBLE.

So now I feel awful because I made this guy wait and now I know I can’t actually date him because the sex shows improvement. It’s just BAD. I really like him but if I can’t fuck him I can’t do a relationship with him and I don’t know what to say. I honestly think I would ghost him just to avoid the awkwardness if I wasn’t 110% sure I’d be going to the special hell for it. I know I’m going to break his heart and he doesn’t deserve it.

What do I do, Doc? Give me the prescription, please!

Never Gonna Get It

Oof. That’s really unfortunate, NGGI. There’s nothing like the cold cruel irony of finally getting what you want, exactly how you asked for it and realizing that sometimes God’s cruelest joke is when we get what we ask for.

This is why irony, not gravity, is the strongest force in the universe.

So right off the bat, let me give you the credit you aren’t giving yourself. First and foremost: you hit a rough patch with some seriously inconvenient timing, you’ve done your best to get through it and you’re not letting having been thrown from the horse keep you from getting back in the saddle again. 

Er… as it were.

This is part of why I don’t think you should be down on yourself for your “slut phase”. Leaving aside that there’s nothing wrong with being a slut if that’s your thing, let’s be honest: after a year of being cooped up during one of the most tumultuous years possible – death! Plague! Isolation! The threat of the end of democracy! A watching a fucking insurrection happen live before our eyes! – it’s not really that surprising that lot of people went full feral after everyone started getting vaccinated and we could go outside again. I’m not kidding when I say on my first night out and about I literally saw people fucking in the streets.

One of the most common reactions to feeling so much death all around us is… well, to reject death in the most obvious way. Sex is, in its way, a reaffirmation of life. Beyond the procreative aspect of it, it’s a form of connection and intimacy, forming a bond with another person – even if it’s only for a night as we push death away.

(And let’s be real: a whole lot of people had a metric shitload of frustration to work out.)

I think it is more important to look at it this way: sometimes the path to wisdom is through the road of excess. You learned a lot about yourself, you made a couple of mistakes and drew a short straw (which, thankfully, wasn’t as bad as it could have been) and now you know more about yourself than you did before. You know what doesn’t work for you, what you need and you are actually willing to ask for it, which is pretty damn big. Especially in a dating culture where you were having a difficult time finding people who were on the same page as you, sexually.

By the same token: sexual compatibility is vitally important in a relationship. If you’re a very sexual person, and you clearly  are, you want someone who is at least mostly in alignment with your needs. If the sex doesn’t work, especially at the beginning, the relationship itself isn’t going to work. And in this case, the sex really doesn’t work. You get credit for giving it the ol’ college try and making sure that it wasn’t just one bad night… but it still isn’t working for you and there’s just no hope on the horizon that things will change. You are absolutely allowed to make sex a priority in your relationships, even if it takes you a while to get to the point where you’re ready to have it.

It really sucks that this didn’t work out and it’s a credit to you that you don’t want to hurt this guy’s feelings. But honestly, what’re your other options? Try to grin and bear it while lying back and thinking of Timothée Chalamet for the next 20 years rather than saying “it’s not working for me?”

As tempting as I’m sure it is to just ghost him, I honestly feel like you should do him the respect of telling him that it’s not working for you. You don’t have to say “look, your dick game was weak” or “the idea of fucking you again makes my skin want to crawl off my body”; all you have to say is “I like you, and I had a good time with you, and I wish things were different, but I don’t think we’re right for each other and I don’t see that changing. I wish you the best of luck”. Give him that much, so at least he knows that it’s over and that he didn’t do anything so horrible that you couldn’t stand to face him. Don’t drag it out, don’t make a scene and if you possibly can, do him the courtesy of at least telling him in person. If you can’t, that’s ok… just keep it short, quick and clean. Don’t make anything that sounds like a promise to try again later, don’t give him false hope that maybe things could change in the future. You want to close the door to this as firmly as possible. The clean break heals the fastest and you owe him that much at least.

He may want to know the dirty details. I would suggest sparing him if you possibly can. All you need to say is “I don’t think we’re right for each other,” which is the honest truth. It sounds like it wasn’t that he was an awful lover, but just that the two of you didn’t click in the ways you needed to. That’s the definition of a no harm, no foul situation. It sucks that things didn’t work out but that’s the game sometimes.

Then give yourself a break, too. You went into this in good faith, you tried your best to make things work out and the x-factor you needed with him wasn’t there. This won’t be the last guy you date; other guys are out there, who will understand that you take time to feel ready to bang (and that you’ll be firecrackin on the 4^th of July when you are). This was bad luck, that’s all.

You’ve picked yourself up before, so you know you can do it again. You found this guy, so you know others like him are out there. Give yourself a moment to take a breath and get back out there when you’re ready.

Good luck.

: Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I have heard of these women who get to be the friend. I am never the friend.I’d like to be the friend. What are some traits of the “friend?”

I am smaller at 100 pounds and height around 5ft.

Do I need to buy a game computer or a cool ping pong table or learn football and speak sports? Should I start with speaking sports and not being “meek and mild?”

I guess living with my parents does not help. Still I thought maybe I’d get invited to a game place or a dinner out or something.

I admit perhaps I am characteristically a soccer mom / cheerleader and maybe that is boring? I have tried to play video games but I find them boring but I participate.

I did try hiking and got myself into too big of a hike situation and I need to keep that to a minimum. But the men I meet want 20 mile hikers not a day hiker or 6 miles.

I feel like the men I meet are all too much for me and I don’t know how to find the guy who only walks maybe 6 miles or reads at home and is happy with that.

I went out and got golf clubs and tried a driving range by myself. But I did not get invited to golf.

I grew up skiing so I know how but no black diamonds for me.

Some days it’s like I wonder geesh I have to be like a man and a woman? They expect me to have an equally paying job and be great at games and then cook and clean? Or do they want to cook and clean these days?

I guess I have 1 man in mind who has a good paying job and a house but he is not interested in me so? It seemed perfect to me, I’d move in.

He golfs and skis and he kind of knows people I know (well that my father knows) and we both went to College and sort of studied the same and he lives close by. He watches tv and does not have a gaming thing. I thought actually that he might become “the friend” but he went for a kiss then did not want a relationship. So then not a friend?

But You Say She’s Just A Friend

As a general rule, BYSSJAF, when women talk about only being “the friend”, they’re complaining that guys aren’t interested in them romantically or sexually. There’s no “traits” of “the friend”, so much as “guys aren’t attracted to them sexually or romantically” which – in their case – is a bug, not a feature.

Now if I’m reading this correctly, it sounds to me like you’re having the platonic equivalent of someone on the dating scene who keeps meeting men she has nothing in common with. Which, to be fair, is a real problem; compatibility isn’t just for romance, it’s for friendship too. And, like the women who keep meeting guys they have nothing in common with, you have two choices: you can try to force yourself to be something you’re not, or you can try to meet the people who like the things you do. If you’re not someone who’s interested in sports or video games and don’t want to try to force yourself into that mold… well, then the answer is to focus on the things that you like.

And if you want to meet the people who are into the things you are… well, you gotta go where those people hang out. If you like skiing or golf or tennis, then you’re in luck; there’re lots of groups out there specifically to bring like-minded folks together. You can start by looking for interest groups in your area; Facebook may be a blasted hellscape, but that’s going to be one of the quickest and easiest ways to find people in your area who have similar interests. Doing a search for groups focused on making new friends and hitting the slopes is the first step. You can also check your local alt-weekly paper (assuming you still have one), investigate the bulletin boards at various coffeeshops and cafes or poke in the subreddit for your city and see what you find. A lot of finding your potential friend group is going to entail being a little proactive and seeking them out.

You might also try the apps; there are apps that are more platonically oriented, like BumbleBFF. MeetUp, likewise, is designed for folks like you.

Now a big part of it is making sure that you’re hanging with the right people and in the right places. Just because a group is dedicated to getting together to go skiing or playing golf doesn’t automatically mean it’s going to be what you’re looking for. You want to make sure that it’s a group that’s the right fit and has the right general attitude.

Take hiking, for example. Yeah, there’re lots of folks who are going to want to go on all-day excursions, not a nice 5 mile ramble… so part of what you want is to find the people who – like you – are in more of a rambling mindset. The same with skiing; you’re not an extreme skier and you’re not someone who wants to hit the black slopes, so look for people who are a little more restrained, a little more cautious and more inclined to a nice downhill glide instead of a steep field of moguls and hiking for the best untouched powder. You may even want to bankshot things a little and look for cross-country skiers or even folks who like to go snow-shoeing.

But when you’re putting yourself out there, you want to make sure that you’re asking for what you want and that you’re clear about what your limits are. Someone who is looking for a husband and kids and the white picket fence does best when she makes that clear up front. The same goes with finding friends; if you’re more about hitting some balls at the driving range and not 18 holes at the buttcrack of dawn, say so. The folks who are looking for someone like you can’t find you if you don’t make it clear that you’re out there.

The other thing is that if you’re going to be putting yourself in the places where like-minded folks will hang out, you’re going to have to make a point of taking some initiative. If you’re just silently hitting balls at the range, not many people are going to go out of their way to chat you up… and the ones who do are likely not looking for friends. You’re going to have to be willing to strike up conversations with people and make it clear that you’re looking for activity buddies, not a boyfriend.

Now the last thing I’ll say is that most friendships start from weak ties. The people you know enough to nod at or who you’ve met once or twice at the clubhouse or in line at the lifts are a good starting point. Friendships are built over time. Starting out with a “see you here next week?” is as good a start to building a friendship as any – and less likely to think you’re looking for more if you ask them on a friend-date.

Good luck.