How Do You Put Intimacy into an Intimate Relationship?

I followed your advice; dated a guy I normally wouldn’t have considered, let it slide when there wasn’t any chemistry, let him pick up the check, waited over a month to have sex, and stayed in the easy relationship where we never fight. Now I have a boyfriend, so I should be happy right?  

Unfortunately, my relationships with my coworkers are still more gratifying than the relationship with my boyfriend. At work we’re the same age, same station in life, and after sharing the same workspace for 14 years there has been a lot of over sharing on Margarita Wednesdays. I assumed the lack of intimacy with my BF traced its roots to the comparatively short time we’ve been together or because I was used to conversing with girlfriends. After all, you frequently point out that our girlfriends are not our boyfriends.

This summer, a new project had me in the archives for 2 hours every day. After 3 weeks the archivist followed me on Twitter and I followed him back. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and he still hasn’t followed me on Twitter. At the Museum’s Ice Cream Social, the archivist eagerly introduces me to his wife and kids. My BF declined to attend. The archivist and I can comfortably discuss many things; whether antiquities should be repatriated, what to do with confederate monuments, etc. Now, my relationship with the archivist is just as satisfying as my relationships with the girls upstairs.

I tried discussing my feelings with my BF, but he insists everything is great and pointed out that we don’t fight. (We also haven’t had sex since April & before that were down to once a month.) We have 15 min. phone conversations most nights. He usually texts once or twice in the morning, so he’s doing BF things. I just don’t understand how I was able to develop a relationship so quickly with someone at work, but have yet to develop any feelings of intimacy after 2 years of dating. How do you put intimacy into an intimate relationship?  

Bunny

Dear Bunny,

First, let’s start by decoupling “my advice” from your perception of my advice.

“I followed your advice; dated a guy I normally wouldn’t have considered, let it slide when there wasn’t any chemistry, let him pick up the check, waited over a month to have sex, and stayed in the easy relationship where we never fight. Now I have a boyfriend, so I should be happy right?”

Yes, I think it’s good to have a man court you — call, plan, pay, and earn the right to become your sexually exclusive boyfriend. And look — you got a boyfriend!

However, to be crystal clear, I have never ever EVER said to “let it slide if there wasn’t any chemistry.”

I said a good relationship often has a 7 in chemistry and a 10 in compatibility; just don’t hold out for a 10 in both.

Similarly, while I believe good relationships should be easy, that doesn’t mean one should be in an easy relationship that doesn’t make you happy — which is what your relationship sounds like to me.

The reason to exit your relationship swiftly is because it does not make you happy.

In other words, you seem to be caught in the logical weeds of what I teach in Love U.

Maybe it’s because you’ve just read intermittent blog posts instead of taking the course, but I’m sincerely sorry that you feel I’ve led you down the wrong path.

Please allow me to lead you back out.

You and your boyfriend are not a good fit. Period.

Not because he doesn’t follow you on Twitter. (My wife doesn’t follow me on Twitter.)

Not because he didn’t want to attend your ice cream social. (Not everyone is an extrovert.)

Not because he thinks your relationship is great. (It’s good to have a satisfied boyfriend.)

Not even because your sex life has dwindled. (Although it is problematic, it can theoretically be improved with mutual commitment.)

The reason to exit your relationship swiftly is because it does not make you happy.

Your boyfriend may be a good person, but he has shown no sign of communicating at a level that satisfies you. Instead of worrying about assigning blame to him (for being content with 15 minutes of connection per day) or me (for telling you to give different guys a shot), how about you listen to your heart and stop this charade after 2 years?

It’s not your job to “put intimacy” into an intimate relationship (although there are things that can be done with the right kind of guy); it’s your job to find a guy who organically does the things that your co-workers do. You shouldn’t have to settle for less.

And for the rest of our readers, if this topic — Intimacy, or the lack thereof —strikes a chord,  I’ve just released an hour-long masterclass Q&A on the subject.

In it, I answer my clients most pressing questions on the subject.

Jessica is more comfortable in her single life with her work and her dogs, and wonders why it’s so hard to stay vulnerable to potentially disappearing men.

Lynne, a widow, muses whether older men with lots of baggage are even capable of intimacy.

Jennifer struggles with men’s desire for quick physical intimacy before there’s emotional intimacy.

Katehad a boyfriend who claimed to want total transparency but freaked out whenever she told him the truth about her past.

I want to help you create the most intimate, authentic relationship on the planet and you can only do that if you have the capacity to accept him in full.

And if you’re in a relationship like Bunny, where technically you have a boyfriend, but you don’t get the joy and benefits of being in a relationship (emotionally and sexually), you HAVE to listen to this recorded FOCUS Coaching call on Intimacy.

Check it out and let me know what you think.