How Many Common Interests Do I Need to Connect with a Guy?

I live in the Pacific Northwest which naturally attracts a lot of outdoorsy and athletic men, often with beards. We call them lumbersexuals. I’m not outdoorsy, and have honestly never been camping or climbing or swimming in a lake or anything like that in my life. I am not opposed to it; it just has never happened. I grew up in the nice suburbs of various cities and my father was a workaholic and very frugal so we just never spent time as a family like that.

Since it was not part of my childhood, it’s not something I even know how to do. If my friends or a boyfriend would invite me to go, I would definitely go and I’m sure I would love it. Maybe because I’ve worked in fashion and beauty all my life, people have assumed a beautiful girl with high heels and a blowout wouldn’t want to go, but I would if someone offered to take me.

So how do I choose who to swipe right on or message online when the profiles of most of the men in my area are filled with skiing and mountain climbing pictures and a list of all the outdoorsy and athletic activities they like to do? I see great guys all the time who I am attracted to but their profile is a long list of things I have no idea how to do: hiking, camping, water skiing, “adventure,” backpacking, etc. It is very intimidating. If they listed things like enjoying art museums, documentaries, and live music, I wouldn’t hesitate to say hi. And the thing is that it rains 9 months out of the year here! So, they can’t actually be doing all those outdoor activities ALL the time. How else do they fill their time?

I know you’ve tackled common interests before in earlier columns and you mentioned we didn’t need to have every leisure activity in common with the people we date. I totally agree. But how many do you think would be a good number to have in common in a profile in order for me to swipe right or drop a note? Should we at least share 3 activities in common? If they ONLY list outdoor activities that I’m not an expert in, should I just move on?

Thanks,
Seeking Lumbersexuals

P.S. I’m very pretty, never married/no kids, 46 yrs old. I have used your tips to write a great profile where I list activities we would do together (“Making a restaurant list together- Sleeping in on Sundays and cuddling- Surprise you with concert tickets to your favorite band”). I now give off a “girlfriend” vibe in my profile and it has definitely helped attract some great men. Thank you for helping me more accurately represent who I am and what I’m looking for.

Vanessa

Thanks for the kind words, Vanessa. Glad Finding the One Online worked for you.

Once upon a time, I got an interview request from Seventeen Magazine.

The assignment was to interpret texts from men.

The writer emailed me 10 texts for which I could theoretically provide deeper meaning.

One said something like: “Going to the bathroom. BRB.”

That’s when I decided to decline the interview.

Sometimes there are questions that are so simple that they don’t require interpretation.

I believe you’ve stumbled onto one yourself, my dear Vanessa.

“So how do I choose who to swipe right on or message online when the profiles of most of the men in my area are filled with skiing and mountain climbing pictures and a list of all the outdoorsy and athletic activities they like to do?”

How about you just swipe right on cute guys and cross that snow bridge when you come to it?

Really. It’s not that complicated.

After all, you’re not obliged to talk with him, meet him, kiss him, sleep with him, or marry him.

How about you just swipe right on cute guys and cross that snow bridge when you come to it?

You’re literally JUST SWIPING RIGHT on him.

The stakes could not be much lower.

Instead of being intimidated by outdoorsy guys and eliminating yourself from contention out of your own insecurity, by saying yes to the ones you find attractive, you put the ball in his court.

Either he’ll judge you for not having a photo with a crampon and pick ax, or he’ll find you attractive and write to you nonetheless.

Remember, most guys don’t want or need you to be their clones; they just want you to appreciate them without trying to change him.

So don’t make him shave, don’t guilt him for his guys’ trip to Whistler, and don’t worry that you’re not a lumbersexual yourself. He certainly won’t.