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Have you ever dated a man who fulfilled every quality on your mental checklist?
* He’s tall.
* He’s cute.
* He’s intelligent.
* He’s successful.
* He’s funny.
* He’s kind.
The feeling you get when you’re around this guy is amazing; you might even call it love.
In fact, let’s call it love.
Yes, let’s say that you are completely in love with this amazing man. To you, he is virtually flawless. And who am I to argue?
There’s only one nagging issue:
This man doesn’t love you back.
Time to let go of that man who has a hold on you, even though he doesn’t make any effort to make you feel special. Until you do, you’re emotionally hung up, and preventing yourself from finding true love — the kind where a man actually GIVES to you.
There’s no reason to wait for something that’s not happening.
The man who doesn’t love you the way you love him is WORTHLESS.
Don’t feel alone. Your condition is universal. Thousands of songs have been written about unrequited love, and they all have the same unhappy ending.
I’m just asking you to think about YOUR unrequited love.
Maybe he’s a co-worker whom you’ve had a crush on for the longest time.
Maybe he’s a friend who you’ve secretly been falling for.
Maybe he’s even your boyfriend — the man who’s been with you for 6 months.
Doesn’t matter.
The man who doesn’t love you the way you love him is WORTHLESS.
You KNOW you’re not getting as much love as you’re giving, but you put up with it anyway.
Why?
Because, to you, it beats the alternative: breaking up with him, feeling sad, and going back to the dating pool once again.
So even though you’re with a man who is essentially using you, you’re okay with it. Or you blind yourself to it, and pretend it’s not happening.
Oh, it’s happening.
Every day you spend with a man who doesn’t love you as you love him, you’re playing it safe, you’re playing it scared, and you’re wasting your precious time.
Somehow, you would rather give your love to a man who has no intentions of marrying you …than to free yourself up to search for the man who WILL one day marry you.
Doesn’t that sound just a bit “off” to you?
Sorry, but life is too short to spend getting the short end of the relationship stick.
It’s like a guy pining for that same woman who thinks of him as “just a friend” — spending years getting close to her, in hopes that one day, she changes her mind about him. If that man were your best friend, you’d tell him to move on to a woman who appreciated why he was amazing, instead of steadfastly waiting for her to recognize that he’s been the man of her dreams all along.
I love John Hughes and Judd Apatow movies, but that sweet, nerdy guy usually DOESN’T get the class princess, and should probably find the sweet, nerdy girl who thinks he’s amazing, wouldn’t you agree?
And that’s the unfortunate part about dating — it often creates a power dynamic that is unhealthy. You undoubtedly recognize it.
You like the man who is more unavailable. You respect him more. He’s more challenging. And yet you never know where you stand with him.
When you find the guy who instantly communicates to you that you’re the woman of his dreams, it’s way too easy. He bores you. He’s not challenging enough.
It works the same way for men. The woman who declares her love on date 1 will scare the hell out of him. The woman who makes him work for it a little bit will be the one who wins his heart.
As a result, you have this push-pull dynamic in dating where you’re supposed to be available, but not too available. Flirty but not too easy. Authentic but not saying everything on your mind. Relationship-oriented but not pushing for commitment too soon.
No wonder dating is so difficult!
You’ve probably heard that old adage that tells women to find a man who loves you more than you love him.
The idea behind this is not to create an unequal relationship where he praises the ground you walk on and you have absolutely no respect for him.
No, the idea behind “find a man who loves you more” is really about ensuring that he’s truly devoted to you.
And, if you’re like many of my amazing women clients, you always end up with really impressive men…who don’t make a really impressive effort to be devoted.
Sorry, but life is too short to spend getting the short end of the relationship stick.
My client, Melissa, is a thirtysomething doctor in South Florida. She came to me two months ago, burned out on dating, frustrated by Match.com, confused about what role she played in all of the frustrating results she was getting.
She kept ending up with attractive, fit, charismatic men who didn’t make her feel attractive, didn’t make her feel safe, didn’t make her feel loved.
Two months into coaching, she’s got a new boyfriend. They met on Match and have been together for about a month. He’s already cooked her dinner, brought her chicken soup when she got the flu, and stuck by her when her father had to go to the hospital.
Yet THAT’s the man that you very often lose respect for: the guy who treats you well, the guy who is emotionally available, the guy who earnestly tries to win you over.
He’s devoted, in every sense of the word.
It’s clear, from his actions, that he feels like HE’s the lucky one — and he’s doing everything in his power to prove to her that he’s worthy.
THAT’s the man you want in your life.
Yet THAT’s the man that you very often lose respect for: the guy who treats you well, the guy who is emotionally available, the guy who earnestly tries to win you over.
It’s not nearly as exciting as the man who keeps you on your toes because you never know where you stand. His very UNavailability is part of what makes him so attractive.
But boy, is it unfulfilling to invest so much time in a man who doesn’t give you the security you deserve.
The moral of the story is NOT to find some wishy-washy guy who puts you on a pedestal. Believe me, I appreciate it if you’re uncomfortable finding a man who loves you more.
Feel free to take off the last word if you want.
Just promise me you’ll “find a man who loves you”…not just a man whom you love.
It’s possible — but it takes an effort to do things differently. You’re not alone.
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